Just Lost my "Commitment Phobe"

[PursuitofPeace]

Yes, I am certainly anxiously attached and really want to learn how to adjust my reactions for the future. These anxious attachment qualities describe how I felt in our relationship:

 

"The anxious style has a “spidey sense” for very small shifts in the relationship. In fact, science has shown us that they pick up on changes in emotions and facial cues faster than any other attachment style. While this style is very perceptive, they also have a tendency to jump to conclusions or catastrophize situations if they do not have their spidey sense under control."

 

REALLY not good after I was cheated on and broken up with before.

 

When the attachment system is activated, the anxious attachment style is consumed with thoughts that attempt to reestablish closeness with their partner, which include:

 

- Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.

- Remembering only their good qualities.

- Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and over estimating theirs.

- An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them

- Believing this is your only chance for love, as in “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances i’ll find another person like him/her? “ or “It takes years to meet someone new; i’ll end up alone.”

- Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great person—for someone else.” “He can change.” “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”

 

 

The more I read, the more I just wish we (as in, me and my ex) could talk about this. I was never able to articulate the feelings/thoughts in the list above, or why I had them... or understand why he could just let things go unaddressed for so long when it literally CONSUMED me not to talk about an issue that I sensed. I guess in the long run, though, it wouldn't make a difference unless both of us were willing to put in the hard work, and he would never commit to working together like that without a back up exit plan.

[Itspointless]

The more I read, the more I just wish we (as in, me and my ex) could talk about this. I was never able to articulate the feelings/thoughts in the list above, or why I had them... or understand why he could just let things go unaddressed for so long when it literally CONSUMED me not to talk about an issue that I sensed.

You want to explain to be really seen. He does not because that means the more intimacy. It is the paradox here that we cannot solve.

[shap]

I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you.

[katiegrl]

I personally don't believe in such a thing as 'commitment phobia'. It's a label thrown around by people who's egos have been hurt by being left from someone they love. If you meet the right person, that phrase goes out the window and you're dedicated to that person for life, come hell or high water. If they leave you, it's not because of 'commitment phobia', it's because they weren't that into you.

 

Oh if it were only that simple shap....

 

Reality is people suffer from all sorts of anxiety disorders, commitment/intimacy just being one of them..

 

It is very real to many people who struggle with this type of fear.

 

Try reading up on it, there are many many books on the subject, some of them best sellers.

 

It's pretty interesting.

 

That said, you are entitled to your opinion though.

[KatZee]

Nope. Guys like this never come back around. Wait, let me clarify: They might, and often DO, but it's never for the right reason.

 

My ex behaved this way to a T. This was my life story 4 years ago. We had the "fairytale" relationship for a year, and that's when it all started to change. He was pulling away, stonewalling me, refusing to work through problems, being critical of me, super nasty at times, rude to me, my family.

 

He would talk about marriage and how we'd "eventually be engaged" and how one day I'd have his last name, and how he thought about it. But when I wanted to discuss engagement, or the future, he'd pull back 100%, refuse to talk about it, say I was being "pushy" or "nagging" or "pressuring." One day I actually confronted him and asked him why it was OK for him to talk about it when he wanted to, but when I did it was a problem? He actually laughed and admitted he knew he was doing it.

 

He started pulling away more and we had a few short unofficial "breaks" I guess, where he'd go off and I wouldn't hear from him for days. I suggested taking space from him and when I was the one to pull back he'd freak out and be like "no no no! never mind we'll work through this I want to be with you." But he had no problem initiating days away from me. One of these breaks I hadn't heard from him in about 3-4 days, and he calls me. I was at work and he tells: "I'm going to be honest, we haven't talked and I'm not even devastated." Who even SAYS that to someone they claim to love?! :lmao: For some reason we continued on, not really sure why.

 

 

He would always pull crap like this, pull back and then come back. Claiming he loved me and wanted to work it out. He didn't come back because he loved me. He came back because he was too scared to be alone, he was insecure, we were familiar and comfortable, and it was easier than facing his demons.

 

Toward the very end he was saying this how I was his best friend, he loved me, but he wasn't ready for marriage, and wasn't sure WHEN he'd be ready, if at all. He said he needed to work on himself, do things with his life, find out who he was as a person, and that what if he wasn't ready until 35? Would I be fine waiting?

 

One day I was at work and he sent me a text message: "Hey we need to talk. This is it. It's over."

 

Nearly three years together and that's how he decided to do it. :lmao: (I come to find out the reason that he was able to pull the plug finally, was because he found someone to replace me. He was one of those guys unable to be single. Tree swingers, going from one, to the next, to the next.)

 

I was furious. He spent three years leading me on, knowing full well I wasn't the person he wanted to marry. There's no such thing as a "commitment phobe." When you meet the person you can't live without, there is no hesitation, or waiting, or hemming or hawing about how they're "not sure." They ARE sure, the fact is, they just don't want you.

 

For all the BS my ex spewed about not knowing who he was, what he wanted, that he wasn't ready for marriage, we broke up and he met his now wife literally months after. Moved in with her after mere months together, proposed after under a year, now married. He JUST turned 30.

 

So much for not being ready until 35. So much for wanting to "figure himself out by being single and doing new things." He's got the same old group of friends, same job, same interests, hasn't changed AT ALL. He's the same old piece of garbage.

 

I was angry for a very long time. Very angry. You probably will be too. But as time goes on you're going to start looking back with clearer vision. You're going to start noticing things about the relationship that weren't right. You're going to start noticing red flags you blatantly ignored, you're going to start realizing how many excuses you've made, how much of yourself you've compromised, and just how much more you care for him than he ever cared for you.

 

I look back, and honestly, we dated three years, and the relationship should have been over 3 months in. THREE MONTHS IN. That's when the red flags started popping up, but love blinds all, right? You're going to learn a lot from this experience.

[katiegrl]

KatZee... I am sorry you experienced that.

 

I agree with you that your ex was not a commitment phobe... who fears intimacy/commitment.

 

He was just a selfish jerk.

 

Good riddance.

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[KatZee]

KatZee... I am sorry you experienced that.

 

I agree with you that your ex was not a commitment phobe... who fears intimacy/commitment.

 

He was just a selfish jerk.

 

Good riddance.

 

Honestly, its not even the tip of the iceberg of what he out me through. Banging his ex behind my back, emotional abuse, his selfish narcissistic sociopath behavior and complete lack of empathy, but that would need its entire separate thread. :lmao: But good riddance is right. BETTER HER THAN ME!

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PursuitofPeace]

Just wanted to post a quick update/reflection... more for the sake of anyone else on here who is freshly "dumped". Phew.

 

So it's been a month since we broke up for the 4th and last time... Only a month. And I can't TELL YOU how much better I feel from the day I posted this thread a few weeks ago. I know my situation may be very different from other people out there, but since I posted, I've got my appetite back, been working out every other day or so, have planned a social activity/happy hour/work obligation for every single day since i've been single, etc.

 

I've listened to the whole "He's Scared, She's Scared" Audiobook, I've journaled every day about how I'm doing. I've been on two bumble dates (one of which went really well, actually, and I've already been asked for a second date!) And most importantly, I HAVE NOT texted him or talked to him in 3 weeks. I am feeling so much better, so much more whole than I did just 2 weeks ago. I attended a friend's wedding last weekend and had so much more fun as a single woman than I did when I was with my sad-ass unhappy ex-partner as my date. I know i'm sort of "forcing" myself to move on, but time and deliberate effort to focus on me is WORKING.

 

I am scared of dating again, scared of getting hurt again, scared not finding anyone else who I love and who will commit to me back. And I get really sad thinking about the happy moments early on, our friendship and our decision to start our own home together, etc... but then I remember about infidelity, frustration, him being checked out and feeling him distant half the time... and all I can do about it is focus on accepting that my ex wasn't the right guy for me (either ever, or at least not at the time), understanding what role I may have played in our dynamic, and trying my absolute best to be open to love again and to learn from my last heartache.

 

Anyway. That's my 2 cents. Thanks for your support on here, everyone.

Edited May 5, 2016 by PursuitofPeace

[Itspointless]

I am scared of dating again, scared of getting hurt again, scared not finding anyone else who I love and who will commit to me back. [...] and trying my absolute best to be open to love again and to learn from my last heartache.

Why not focus just on you for a while. No dating, just you?