23 years of my life wasted?

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Hi, my husband and I started dating in March of 1993, we were engaged a year later and married at the end of 1995. We had a wonderful marriage, we were blessed with 2 children after being told I would never be able to conceive. After the birth of our first child, he asked me to be a SAHM. I did so because it felt like it was in the best interest of our family. In between the 2 kids, he lost his job so I took a temporary job waiting tables. ...which I hate, but again, did for the sake of the family. When he had his footing in the job he still has he told me to quit waiting tables and go back to being a mom. A year later we were blessed with our daughter after a high risk pregnancy which included a cancer scare. In 2009 I took a sales job I could do from home. My background was in business, sales, and accounting. This was the best thing for me as pretty much all my old skills were obsolete. He was always worried about me making too much and pushing us into a higher tax bracket, so I ran the business his way. Honestly, it never bothered me. We had fun, we laughed, we talked, we did things together, we found ways to spoil one another, had a great sex life. People always told us we were their relationship goal.

 

Then one night a year ago that all changed. I still don't get it. He has mood swings. He will push about getting a dissolution or divorce, sometimes for days, THEN, when he KNOWS I am getting angry and upset, he turns all playful and gets teasy (not certain that is a word) and then doesn't bring it up for a few weeks. He moved out a few months ago, then back in for a few weeks, then back out almost a month ago.

 

His story on why he wants to end it changes all the time. He will tell me that I am a beautiful and sexy woman and any man would be lucky to have me, and tell me what a great mother I am, but then tell me I am not worth his time and effort. When we talk and he knows that I am sad or down about something he will try to make me laugh. I don't get any of this. I just feel sad, lost, broken, lonely, and confused as to how we got here. I mean the same day he dropped the bomb he had been sending lovey dovey texts and calling me to see what I wanted to do that night.

 

Oh, before I forget, I did rejoin the workforce, but the pay sucks. Lol

[The_Dork_Lard]

What's an SAHM?

[RecentChange]

Sounds like there must be a lot more to this story.

 

Any disagreements, arguments? Signs of depression or other mental health issues? Any signs of an affair?

 

Things rarely go from "everything perfect" to "i want a divorce" overnight.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

SAHM=Stay at home mom.

 

He has adamantly and blatantly refused counseling. Which is direct contrast to his lifelong belief system. He always swore to our kids and me that walking away was not an option. He said he knew he was blessed to have a wife that gave up her dreams to be with him. I should explain that when we first got engaged I had a chance to move to NYC and work with a talent agency so I could act and model. He hated NYC and asked if I could be happy being his wife and doing my business thing. In retrospect, perhaps I gave too much. But, we did have a great marriage until his personality change.

 

One of the craziest things about this, if I do the no contact thing, for instance, we call him every morning before the kids get on the school bus, just as we always have, but now, there are days I simply won't talk to him, he will find some odd random reason to call or text me.

 

I spoke with a lawyer and he told me that it really seems as if my husband doesn't even really know what he wants despite him saying otherwise.

[oldshirt]

 

Then one night a year ago that all changed. I still don't get it. He has mood swings.

 

 

 

What happened a year and one day ago?

 

 

Did this all suddenly change a year ago? Was he normal and behavior and moods level and consistent for 22 years and then truly changed on a dime a year ago?

 

 

If so, what happened a year and one day ago? Was there some kind of major event? did he experience some kind of trauma or some kind of injury or illness? Did he start some kind of medication? Was there a death or traumatic incident in the family?

 

 

Did he meet another woman?

 

 

Has this change in behavior and moods been evaluated by a professional?

[oldshirt]

 

. He has mood swings. He will push about getting a dissolution or divorce, sometimes for days, THEN, when he KNOWS I am getting angry and upset, he turns all playful and gets teasy (not certain that is a word) and then doesn't bring it up for a few weeks. He moved out a few months ago, then back in for a few weeks, then back out almost a month ago.

 

His story on why he wants to end it changes all the time. He will tell me that I am a beautiful and sexy woman and any man would be lucky to have me, and tell me what a great mother I am, but then tell me I am not worth his time and effort.

 

 

 

This is emotional/psychological abuse. Stop tolerating it. Smack that down and do not tolerate it or put up with it any more. Draw a line in the sand and blow up anything that crosses it.

 

 

If he no longer loves you, believes he is better off without you and no longer wishes to have a home and family life with you, that is his prerogative and he has the right to divorce you and move on.

 

 

He does not however have the right to inflict chaos and mental distress upon you with this schizophrenic behavior that changes 180 degrees on a dime.

 

 

Give him two options .

 

 

Option A is to remain in the home, devote 100% time, energy and effort to working on whatever issues are occurring and full faith effort into reconciling the marriage even if that involves psychological/medical evaluation and marital counseling.

 

 

Option B is actually follow through with the divorce. Yes, I know that is not what your first choice is, but this pendulum swinging 180 degrees by the day is psychological torture and will turn you into a broken, crazy woman and it amounts to nothing more than abuse and there is no reason for it to be tolerated.

 

 

If he wants a divorce then send him down to the courthouse to do the paperwork to get one. If he keeps swinging wildly both ways, then you go down to the courthouse and get one. It may be the only way to end the abuse.

 

 

Your are going to have to pull up your big-girl pants here and draw a line in the sand and give him the choice of all-in or all-out but the abuse and chaos has to stop. This nutty behavior is going to make you a crazy woman and it is harmful and destabilizing to the children.

 

 

The children can live without harm in an intact family unit that is giving full-faith effort to reconciling and working on whatever issues are at hand.

 

 

An children can live without harm with two sane, sober, loving, supportive and involved parents that happen to be divorced and living in two separate homes that are cooperative and amicably divorced.

 

 

But they will be scarred and damaged by this schizophrenic chaos that swings 180 degrees day by day. Shut that $h!^ down immediately, even if that means that you toss him to curb and file the divorce yourself.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

We had a lot of sadness in a few years time. We lost a sister in law whom we were close with to cancer, a couple of years later we lost a friend, one of my best friends to cancer, at that same time I was being tested for thyroid and breast cancer, it came back that I have a thyroid disease, and no cancer, a year later his mother had uterine cancer, but she is now okay, just after that his father had a health issue which required surgery, and then he himself had a cancer scare. The day he got his results he called me to tell me he had them but would tell me when he got home. I was in agony until he arrived home. I met him at the door and he told me it was a false alarm, he was fine. I hugged him and kissed him and asked why he scared me like that. He replied, "I wanted to see your reaction. " It was 2 weeks later that he said he thought he wanted a divorce. He told me he loved me, but he was a miserable person and felt like he was destroying my life and the kids lives. I cried and told him that if he left, that would destroy us. We hugged and kissed and agreed we did not need to decide anything at that moment. For the next week we still kissed and sent our daily "I love you" texts. Then, he decided it was done.

 

About every 4-8 weeks his story changes on why he wants out. I can't help but feel that he is going through a major midlife crisis.

 

I asked him if he had a girlfriend, his response was, "I wish I did, then this would all be so much easier. "

 

Nothing makes sense.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Sounds like there must be a lot more to this story.

 

Any disagreements, arguments? Signs of depression or other mental health issues? Any signs of an affair?

 

Things rarely go from "everything perfect" to "i want a divorce" overnight.

 

I truly believe after a lot of research that he going through a major midlife crisis. He had been angsty and depressed due to work. He had mood swings, and we discussed it. He has a high stress job and it was admitted to him that he was not paid what he was worth, but they never fixed it, claiming the salary freeze. I asked if I was his problem. He swore he adored me and felt that the kids and I were all he had done right in life.

 

He used to tell me he was scared I would leave him for someone better. I would tell him, that was not an option. We took our vows and I meant every word. He would say good, he meant them too. I am at a loss.

 

 

Btw, the kids are 12 and 16.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Sad butterfly Ohio

[oldshirt]

and then he himself had a cancer scare. The day he got his results he called me to tell me he had them but would tell me when he got home. I was in agony until he arrived home. I met him at the door and he told me it was a false alarm, he was fine. I hugged him and kissed him and asked why he scared me like that. He replied, "I wanted to see your reaction. "

 

That was cruel and unusual.

 

 

This is abusive behavior.

[oldshirt]

OK, lets get some things straight here. Yes you have been through some trying times and it would stand to reason that there may be some anxiety, some insecurity/uncertainty, maybe some depression and possibly even some form of PTSD taking place here.

 

 

But none of that justifies cruel and abusive behavior. He may be getting stressed and anxiety with life's uncertainties, but that in no way justifies or excuses making your life and kid's lives chaotic and miserable.

 

 

Whether he's turning into a fruit loop or whether he is sincerely no longer in love with you and no longer wishes to be married to you, you deserve to have a life of peace and sanity and free of what he is putting you through.

 

 

My advice remains the same. Give him the option of all-in, or all-out.

 

 

He either remains in the home, checks himself into shrink and works on his issues and addresses the marital issues with full-faith effort.

 

 

Or he packs his bags, finds his own place, divorces and pays his fair share of child support and you get your fair share of the marital assets and spousal support if it is due to you etc etc and you are allowed to move on with your own life in peace.

 

 

This wild mood swing and running hot and cold is bullcrap and should no longer be tolerated. Stop putting up with it and give him the option to stay or leave, but either choice is 100%. All-in or all-out. If he won't decide, then you decide for him and since you can't make him stay and put his full effort in to reconciliation, then that means you file for divorce and you toss him out.

 

 

Either way, end the abuse. End the chaos. End the uncertainty. End the torture. If it takes ending the marriage to do that, so be it. Noone should have to live like this.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

That was cruel and unusual.

 

 

This is abusive behavior.

 

Which is not how he usually is/was. Most people would say he is one of the nicest guys on the face of the planet. It is as if something in him broke.

 

As for money and where he spends it, I have no clue. He opened a second checking account which is not linked to our joint account. I do know that he is overdrawn on both accounts as the bank statements come here, and those only come when we are overdrawn.

 

I am currently looking into grants for returning to school for phlebotomy or something else in the medical field.

[BlueIris]

Check all of the accounts and make sure that no money has been moved in the past 2 years or so. If he's thinking about divorce, he might be moving money. But even if he isn't, since he's become more erratic, I'd take care to watch the money/assets carefully.

[oldshirt]

Regardless of what is going on with him, you need to get an attorney immediately and start circling your wagons and protecting yourself.

 

 

Whether he is falling out of love with you, having an affair, or just going plain nuts, he is dangerous right now and there is no telling what he will do.

 

 

Take this very seriously. He may decide his true calling is to empty out all the accounts and investments and retirement accounts and buy a monkey and live on the beach in Jamaica as an organ grinder. He may have some other woman and decide to furnish a love next in the Virgin Islands or something.

 

 

He may decide the children will be better off living on some hilltop in Costa Rica and try to pack them up and head them out in the middle of the night.

 

 

 

 

whatever the cause, he is clearly unstable and unpredictable and you can't take any chances with your financial survival or your children's roof over their head.

 

 

Consider his threats of divorce as credible and act accordingly. Whether he is seriously considering divorcing and taking off or whether he has just simply gone nuts, he is clearly not to be trusted with your future. you must take responsibility.

 

 

get an attorney. Protect your assets, property and relationship with the children. Be prepared for anything.

 

 

Heed this advice seriously. I have seen a lot worse things happen to personal friends of mine who's spouses were not acting near as nutty as yours before they made their move.

[mightycpa]

He was always worried about me making too much and pushing us into a higher tax bracket, so I ran the business his way.

Being a mightycpa, this caught my eye. No offense, but your husband is a dolt. Therefore, I would expect him to act accordingly, which, apparently, he has.

[ashley1992]

so sorry to hear about your story and wat ur going through. from my experiance my father was behaving very similar to ur husband.. and unfortunately my mother found out he was cheating on her with another women. my father ended up leaving on my little sisters birthday! she was turning 2 or 3 i believe. my mother said she had a feeling.. because no one out of the blue just changes.. and yes we found out he had feelings for someone else.. i believe he married her and they had 2 kids.. he never looked back or came back into our lives.. i can only help and adivce you through my own experiance.. plz take care x

[BuddyX]

He's either bi-polar or cheating. My money's on the latter.

Why do you allow him to walk out and back in?

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Thank you for all the responses.

 

 

I have no doubt he is having at least an emotional affair, and I am certain I know with whom. She is a pro at wrecking relationships, she has been at it since high school. I have spoken with several people who have sited her as a contributing factor in the demise of their relationships, some of them have reconciled, some have not. I am NOT saying he is blameless, he knows how she is and complained about what an ugly bitter woman she was for ages. What I don't get is, she really is unattractive, she doesn't have a nice body or good personality, she is a drunk and knows what to say. Ugh

 

As far as drugs or drinking go, no. Drugs are a big no no for us. He drinks, but usually only socially, he has done it more so since this all began. He told me a few months ago it helped when he was depressed or feeling suicidal, which he admitted to me he has thought about a few times since this began.

 

He has yet to have the kids overnight. He moved out for about 3 months, moved back in for a few weeks (slept on the couch ) and then out again almost a month ago. He doesn't spend much time with the kids. Usually about 30 minutes, if they are lucky a couple of times a week, and he usually texts them good night. That text is sometimes the only conversation they have with him minus the morning call.

 

The thing about me trying NC with him, and not responding, he will then call or text the kids and ask where I am and then complain that I am ignoring him. I feel like it's a no win situation.

 

I am also trying to figure out why he got an apartment that is just a studio, so no place for the kids, and does not allow pets. I rather feel almost as bad for the dog as I do the kids.

 

Our daughter told me the other night that she doesn't like how he treats me and it seems hypocritical that he always told them to respect me, yet he rarely shows me any respect anymore.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Check all of the accounts and make sure that no money has been moved in the past 2 years or so. If he's thinking about divorce, he might be moving money. But even if he isn't, since he's become more erratic, I'd take care to watch the money/assets carefully.

 

I already did that. Nothing was changed until a couple months after bomb drop.

 

I may have launched a war today. I am not sure if I care. I am standing up for myself more often. Not sure he knows what to do with it.

[partlysnitty]

I don't have any good advice, but I understand your pain a little. After 10 years my boyfriend just stopped talking to me mid-conversation. And it's a bit hard to chalk it up to just a OW or breakup when someone who has been great for so long just vanishes.

 

It's really hard and really confusing.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

I don't have any good advice, but I understand your pain a little. After 10 years my boyfriend just stopped talking to me mid-conversation. And it's a bit hard to chalk it up to just a OW or breakup when someone who has been great for so long just vanishes.

 

It's really hard and really confusing.

 

 

Yes it is. And every single time I start to gain confidence he finds another way to break my heart all over again.

 

Sorry you have to go through this.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh my goodness!! I'm so sorry but it's also kind of comforting to know that someone else in the world has lived this!

 

I met my H straight after my 21st birthday. We moved in together almost immediately. Everyone always says that he's the nicest man they've ever met! He's incredibly kind & thoughtful. He's the guy who will help a distant aquantance move apartments!! Our relationship was great. He called it "Our magical life".

 

We married about 6 years later. A woman at work asked me why I was getting married & I remember saying, "..because he's my very best friend & I fancy him like crazy!". That's completely true. I remember also thinking, I could never leave him! He feels like family. He's my person!

 

We were pretty close to perfect. Friends & family would say how they envied us. We were so happy but he always suffered from depression. I thought it was mostly related to his work. I was much more successful than him. He hated his job, he wasn't respected & it was so below him.

 

His depression was always the self deprecating kind. He thought I was 'out of his league' & would leave him. I've always been very popular with men but totally loyal. He'd only had one 'real' girlfriend (she lived with her partner so even that was an affair really) he didn't have much sexual experience (they had only had sex a couple of times). His best friend was a real ladies man. He was always jealous until he had me!! His friends fancied me but I was loyal & loving, completely devoted to him.

 

Anyway, he had the opportunity to move to the USA for work. I gave-up everything & persuaded him to take it. The idea being, we were perfect except for his work depression. I could be happy anywhere with him. We moved. I supported him going back to school (he hated his new job!). I was incredibly isolated. He worked long hours, went to school, studied but it was all for a purpose so I made the most of it.

 

One day, out of the blue, he asked "Are you happy?". I was so shocked!! Within a matter of weeks he was spending spare time in the gym. Completely changed! My gentle, hippy, geek, kind H started calling himself "A GOLDEN GOD", showing off his 6 pack & being increasingly cruel to me. It became very real abuse. I had nowhere to run!

 

It reached the point that a complete stranger watched us in a shop for 5 minutes, caught me alone & handed me a women's rescue shelter card with "I know" written on the back!

 

Just like you he was constantly threatening to leave, wouldn't try therapy, wouldn't explain. I continued trying desperately. I thought he was having a mental breakdown! He asked me to organize & throw a birthday party for a work colleague. She had recently been dumped by her boyfriend. Of course I did! She befriended me, 'accidentally' spilt a glass of wine on our wedding album that she had asked to see!

 

I found photographs of them cuddling, that night, in our house, in his bag a few days later!! Yep! AFFAIR!! Turns out he was too 'nice' to say no & his low self esteem made him feel like THE MAN to have her attention. His best friend was going through a divorce & sleeping around. (I'm making excuses!!)

 

When you wrote.....

 

He replied, "I wanted to see your reaction. " It was 2 weeks later that he said he thought he wanted a divorce. He told me he loved me, but he was a miserable person and felt like he was destroying my life and the kids lives. I cried and told him that if he left, that would destroy us."

 

It was so very familiar!

 

We got over that affair. When he realized he was loosing me she seemed less of an ego boost, whatever. Life happened. His mother died. We rug swept. He went back to normal. We went back to our magical life.

 

Then I nearly died & had emergency surgery. He lost his job. Ugh! So much happened. So much stress. She sent a "Hey!" Message & a couple of emails later he was asking her to open a secret account so they could communicate. It all started again after 12 YEARS!!

 

His plan was to live in the middle of nowhere. Occasionally seeing the OW for sex & company. Never seeing me or OUR CHILDREN! Yep! Same as your H. "He's a horrible person destroying me & the kids! Not safe to be around people blah blah blah"

 

I was completely blindsided when I found the receipt for Mothers Day flowers. Buy 2 get the budget one of lesser value (mine) half price! Hers were the huge bouquet to "The best mother in the whole world. All my love". Mine were "love from him & our kids" ugh!! Heart breaking. I can't start to explain the pain.

 

If you want look at my posts back at the start. I truly believed there wasn't another woman. He was so adamant that it was all my fault. He would never tell me what I'd done wrong other than being sick & not making him feel "Special" anymore. I believed I was on trial. If I did the right thing I could save my family but I didn't know what "the right thing" was.

 

It drove, it drives me insane. I've lost so much of myself. I'm broken, I'm destroyed. I have no self esteem.

 

What your H is doing IS ABUSE. it can get a lot worse, I know! But what's happening now will mentally cripple you. It's so impossibly hard when you've spent a life (26 years for me) with the love of your life. You believe that you know him. You're confused by his behavior.

 

Obviously I don't know what's really going on with your H. I truly don't know how or why my H can do this to me. All I've learnt is that the guilt of breaking his moral code, having an A, brought out a side of my H that no-one knew ever existed. It got A LOT WORSE!! I don't know if, in the end he was torturing me to make me leave...or maybe he was abusing me just because he could & it made him feel powerful. I don't know.

 

We're supposed to be reconciling. To him it's all over now & everything should be back to normal. I cry everyday. I'm a shadow of the woman I was. The resentment is starting to build. I've never felt resentment before & it's frightening me. I don't want my children in a broken home. I'm a SAHM. It's terrifying! I've given everything & I couldn't support myself & my kids now...from having a fantastic career that's now outdated. Ugh!!!

 

I don't know if your H has another woman. I believe I was punished & tortured because I stood between them AND he had to rewrite history, kicking me in the gutter to explain his behavior. If I'm a good person & wife he must be a monster to treat me like he has!! I'm guessing! Something has to explain the insanity of it all.

 

Abuse kills a little piece of you everyday. I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I do know it was almost a relief when I found evidence of their affair. Things started to make sense. If I were you I'd start investigating. My H is a 'super geek' but I've found receipts (companies start sending offers...are you getting emails from flower/gift companies you haven't bought from?) emails, messages through Linked-In etc. I'd start snooping.

 

I'm so sorry.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry! That was soooooo long!! 26 years of my life!

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Sorry! That was soooooo long!! 26 years of my life!

 

It's okay. Lol I really do get it. He "gas lights " me. I know that. Even a few of his friends think that he is being an idiot.

 

Tonight, there was a long email session between us. He asked why I have not had time in a month to go over his stupid checklist for the dissolution. I explained I had to wait for the attorney I was working with to be available at the same time I was and I had been sick as are the kids and I can't afford to just call off. I had bills I was falling behind on. He replied he would help but he is overdrawn. Yeah, so explain to me how you can afford to file for divorce then big boy. Smh

 

I am getting angry right now. I want to know what one stupid piece of paper is going to change. His guilt?

[BuddyX]

Let me lay it out for you. Actually this goes out to all women. Before you're ready to take the marriage plunge or are debating on divorcing ask yourself if the 5 A's apply to him

 

Account- Can he Provide?

Affair- Did he cheat?

Abuse- Physical or emotional?

Appearance- Did he let himself go?

Apartment- Are you living like roommates?

 

You can work on one A. Two? Only if both parties are committed.

To the OP. It's not looking good. He sounds like a total DBag.

[66Charger]

Right now he is saying and doing anything he wishes, because he controls all. The moment you look in the mirror and realise you can handle your business, is the day their nightmare begins. Loss of control. This guy has no idea whats going to hit him soon. The OP doesnt appear to be the long term whining type.

 

Ok then, So, prepare to do it yourself. From this second on, let him know you wont fall down. If someone treats you as disposable, make sure they pay the price.

 

Change your name. Lose your Sad.

 

Picture yourself, flitting away from a dead rose seeking warmth and sunshine

 

Lets see you do it.

 

Butterfly.

 

From Ohio..

Edited April 22, 2016 by 66Charger