23 years of my life wasted?

[ShatteredLady]

Oh my goodness!! I'm so sorry but it's also kind of comforting to know that someone else in the world has lived this!

 

I met my H straight after my 21st birthday. We moved in together almost immediately. Everyone always says that he's the nicest man they've ever met! He's incredibly kind & thoughtful. He's the guy who will help a distant aquantance move apartments!! Our relationship was great. He called it "Our magical life".

 

We married about 6 years later. A woman at work asked me why I was getting married & I remember saying, "..because he's my very best friend & I fancy him like crazy!". That's completely true. I remember also thinking, I could never leave him! He feels like family. He's my person!

 

We were pretty close to perfect. Friends & family would say how they envied us. We were so happy but he always suffered from depression. I thought it was mostly related to his work. I was much more successful than him. He hated his job, he wasn't respected & it was so below him.

 

His depression was always the self deprecating kind. He thought I was 'out of his league' & would leave him. I've always been very popular with men but totally loyal. He'd only had one 'real' girlfriend (she lived with her partner so even that was an affair really) he didn't have much sexual experience (they had only had sex a couple of times). His best friend was a real ladies man. He was always jealous until he had me!! His friends fancied me but I was loyal & loving, completely devoted to him.

 

Anyway, he had the opportunity to move to the USA for work. I gave-up everything & persuaded him to take it. The idea being, we were perfect except for his work depression. I could be happy anywhere with him. We moved. I supported him going back to school (he hated his new job!). I was incredibly isolated. He worked long hours, went to school, studied but it was all for a purpose so I made the most of it.

 

One day, out of the blue, he asked "Are you happy?". I was so shocked!! Within a matter of weeks he was spending spare time in the gym. Completely changed! My gentle, hippy, geek, kind H started calling himself "A GOLDEN GOD", showing off his 6 pack & being increasingly cruel to me. It became very real abuse. I had nowhere to run!

 

It reached the point that a complete stranger watched us in a shop for 5 minutes, caught me alone & handed me a women's rescue shelter card with "I know" written on the back!

 

Just like you he was constantly threatening to leave, wouldn't try therapy, wouldn't explain. I continued trying desperately. I thought he was having a mental breakdown! He asked me to organize & throw a birthday party for a work colleague. She had recently been dumped by her boyfriend. Of course I did! She befriended me, 'accidentally' spilt a glass of wine on our wedding album that she had asked to see!

 

I found photographs of them cuddling, that night, in our house, in his bag a few days later!! Yep! AFFAIR!! Turns out he was too 'nice' to say no & his low self esteem made him feel like THE MAN to have her attention. His best friend was going through a divorce & sleeping around. (I'm making excuses!!)

 

When you wrote.....

 

He replied, "I wanted to see your reaction. " It was 2 weeks later that he said he thought he wanted a divorce. He told me he loved me, but he was a miserable person and felt like he was destroying my life and the kids lives. I cried and told him that if he left, that would destroy us."

 

It was so very familiar!

 

We got over that affair. When he realized he was loosing me she seemed less of an ego boost, whatever. Life happened. His mother died. We rug swept. He went back to normal. We went back to our magical life.

 

Then I nearly died & had emergency surgery. He lost his job. Ugh! So much happened. So much stress. She sent a "Hey!" Message & a couple of emails later he was asking her to open a secret account so they could communicate. It all started again after 12 YEARS!!

 

His plan was to live in the middle of nowhere. Occasionally seeing the OW for sex & company. Never seeing me or OUR CHILDREN! Yep! Same as your H. "He's a horrible person destroying me & the kids! Not safe to be around people blah blah blah"

 

I was completely blindsided when I found the receipt for Mothers Day flowers. Buy 2 get the budget one of lesser value (mine) half price! Hers were the huge bouquet to "The best mother in the whole world. All my love". Mine were "love from him & our kids" ugh!! Heart breaking. I can't start to explain the pain.

 

If you want look at my posts back at the start. I truly believed there wasn't another woman. He was so adamant that it was all my fault. He would never tell me what I'd done wrong other than being sick & not making him feel "Special" anymore. I believed I was on trial. If I did the right thing I could save my family but I didn't know what "the right thing" was.

 

It drove, it drives me insane. I've lost so much of myself. I'm broken, I'm destroyed. I have no self esteem.

 

What your H is doing IS ABUSE. it can get a lot worse, I know! But what's happening now will mentally cripple you. It's so impossibly hard when you've spent a life (26 years for me) with the love of your life. You believe that you know him. You're confused by his behavior.

 

Obviously I don't know what's really going on with your H. I truly don't know how or why my H can do this to me. All I've learnt is that the guilt of breaking his moral code, having an A, brought out a side of my H that no-one knew ever existed. It got A LOT WORSE!! I don't know if, in the end he was torturing me to make me leave...or maybe he was abusing me just because he could & it made him feel powerful. I don't know.

 

We're supposed to be reconciling. To him it's all over now & everything should be back to normal. I cry everyday. I'm a shadow of the woman I was. The resentment is starting to build. I've never felt resentment before & it's frightening me. I don't want my children in a broken home. I'm a SAHM. It's terrifying! I've given everything & I couldn't support myself & my kids now...from having a fantastic career that's now outdated. Ugh!!!

 

I don't know if your H has another woman. I believe I was punished & tortured because I stood between them AND he had to rewrite history, kicking me in the gutter to explain his behavior. If I'm a good person & wife he must be a monster to treat me like he has!! I'm guessing! Something has to explain the insanity of it all.

 

Abuse kills a little piece of you everyday. I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I do know it was almost a relief when I found evidence of their affair. Things started to make sense. If I were you I'd start investigating. My H is a 'super geek' but I've found receipts (companies start sending offers...are you getting emails from flower/gift companies you haven't bought from?) emails, messages through Linked-In etc. I'd start snooping.

 

I'm so sorry.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry! That was soooooo long!! 26 years of my life!

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Sorry! That was soooooo long!! 26 years of my life!

 

It's okay. Lol I really do get it. He "gas lights " me. I know that. Even a few of his friends think that he is being an idiot.

 

Tonight, there was a long email session between us. He asked why I have not had time in a month to go over his stupid checklist for the dissolution. I explained I had to wait for the attorney I was working with to be available at the same time I was and I had been sick as are the kids and I can't afford to just call off. I had bills I was falling behind on. He replied he would help but he is overdrawn. Yeah, so explain to me how you can afford to file for divorce then big boy. Smh

 

I am getting angry right now. I want to know what one stupid piece of paper is going to change. His guilt?

[BuddyX]

Let me lay it out for you. Actually this goes out to all women. Before you're ready to take the marriage plunge or are debating on divorcing ask yourself if the 5 A's apply to him

 

Account- Can he Provide?

Affair- Did he cheat?

Abuse- Physical or emotional?

Appearance- Did he let himself go?

Apartment- Are you living like roommates?

 

You can work on one A. Two? Only if both parties are committed.

To the OP. It's not looking good. He sounds like a total DBag.

[66Charger]

Right now he is saying and doing anything he wishes, because he controls all. The moment you look in the mirror and realise you can handle your business, is the day their nightmare begins. Loss of control. This guy has no idea whats going to hit him soon. The OP doesnt appear to be the long term whining type.

 

Ok then, So, prepare to do it yourself. From this second on, let him know you wont fall down. If someone treats you as disposable, make sure they pay the price.

 

Change your name. Lose your Sad.

 

Picture yourself, flitting away from a dead rose seeking warmth and sunshine

 

Lets see you do it.

 

Butterfly.

 

From Ohio..

Edited April 22, 2016 by 66Charger

[tamcat]

Butterfly, I am hardly one to give advice about how to save a marriage, but please spend a minute reading my view. I have bipolar. My wife is absolutely awesome - she has her faults, but she loves me unconditionally. But unfortunately I have a tendency to emotionally detach. Over the past two years, we have yo-yoed from trying again, to divorce so many times, it is insane. The reason I kept going back, and promising to try again? Guilt. Although I knew that I was no longer there, I could not stand seeing her hurt, or the thought of having to be away from our son half the time, etc... name it. Very fortunately for us, I am medicated (after ending up in a psychiatric hospital), and we have an unbelievable open channel of communication. And she is a wonderful woman. We are best friends, and both agree that we have never had anyone in either our lives understanding us, or caring for each other. Whether there is another woman or not, really is irrelevant, unless you plan to use infidelity as a weapon in the divorce proceedings. Nothing you can do will change anything, if there is. There are two things that really should be your priority - Looking after yourself and your well-being, and putting your children first. My wife and I are currently half-way through our divorce, and very fortunately to have an absolutely amicable experience. Put it down to mutual respect and wanting the best for the other. But above all, there is no reason to make things crap for the kids, and it is important for your state of mind to be able to say that you have done what you could from your side to put the kids first. But DON'T forget to look after yourself. Wishing you peace and love. And like Jerry Springer says.... "Take care of yourself... and others!"

[Arieswoman]

Sad,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I am also sorry to tell you that IMO your husband is having an affair.

 

I can remember my H behaving really oddly (and nastily) when he was cheating on me. I thought that he was stressed at work and was having some kind of a breakdown.

 

Please listen to the good advice here.

 

You need to get all your ducks in a row.

 

See a solicitor/attorney and obtain advice as your options.

 

Start getting copies made of all bank statements and other financial/legal documents. Give them to a trusted friend for safe-keeping. The same goes for any items you owned before the marriage, rings, jewellery etc.

 

Open a new bank a/c in your own name and start putting money into it.

 

You can do this.

 

Good luck x

[tamcat]

PS. It is easy for some to say that "he is crazy, run to the hills and take your children with you." I am incredibly glad that my wife recognised bipolar as a medical condition, not much different to epilepsy, diabetes or cancer, and has never once tried to use it as a weapon. Unless your husband is willing to undergo treatment, or course.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Again, thank you for the advice and words of wisdom.

 

I am working on myself. I have definitely decided to go back to school. It's only going to take a few months to complete, and I am going to let him know that only when I am done will I sign anything. Right now, I need the insurance. He keeps firing back about cobra that I can be put on until I can afford it myself, my friend that works for the state (as does he) and actually deals with all of this told me how much it will actually cost him and he is griping about money now. Anyway, I am going to tell him it has nothing to do with wanting to stay married, I deserve better and so do the kids, right now it is a matter of protecting myself and the kids until I have my degree.

 

As far as him coming and going as he pleases, since he moved out, he is mostly here when I am not. I have 2 thoughts there, one is coward, scared to face me, the other is fear.

 

I do think right now he is being a dbag, not that it is his usual character. I do see traces of the real him from time to time, I also have done a lot of reading and research on the whole midlife crisis thing. I know he has crap he has to work through, but, I don't think he should handle it the way he is now. I have been incredibly patient. I am now getting angry. I am not saying that I am perfect, but, I do think I deserve more than this. Hell, a lot of his guy friends have said he is being dumb. The kicker, he will stop speaking to people who tell him to think about what he is doing. I guess sometimes the truth hurts.

[Lois_Griffin]

It's okay. Lol I really do get it. He "gas lights " me. I know that. Even a few of his friends think that he is being an idiot.

 

Tonight, there was a long email session between us. He asked why I have not had time in a month to go over his stupid checklist for the dissolution. I explained I had to wait for the attorney I was working with to be available at the same time I was and I had been sick as are the kids and I can't afford to just call off. I had bills I was falling behind on. He replied he would help but he is overdrawn. Yeah, so explain to me how you can afford to file for divorce then big boy. Smh

 

I am getting angry right now. I want to know what one stupid piece of paper is going to change. His guilt?

Why do you continue to cater to this a*sshole?

 

All he's done is abuse you, disrespect you, devalue you, diminish you, and degrade you.

 

"Midlife crisis" or not, that doesn't give this irresponsible cretin a license to leave his family financially in a lurch while he's off acting like a damned hormonal teenager.

 

It's just beyond me why women will allow men to degrade and disrespect them to this level and STILL cry into their soup every night wishing he'd come back to them.

 

Even your teenager daughter can see what you don't.

[sandylee1]

Stop letting him come and go like that... it's not right and it's simply abusive.

 

His behaviour on the cancer scare was also abusive. ... I mean who does that? He should have told you instantly on the phone. I'd have been furious.

 

He doesn't have to go to counselling...but he could read some self help books IF he wants to remain married.

 

Give him a time period to sort himself out... then tell him you'll need to take decisive action if he's still on the fence after 3/6 months. You don't have to say what that action is to him and if he asks..just stick with 'you'll need to decide how to proceed with the future... based on his inability to commit to the marriage '

 

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.... but you cannot allow him to dictate the terms of your relationship. He did that by insisting you be a SAHM (probably out of insecurity)... but you need to be stronger.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Had a whole thing typed and submitted, but, decided to rise above.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Sad butterfly Ohio