Ocean Rain Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Hello all. New poster, and I'll try to keep this short. About ten years ago, I had a male friend, and after awhile, the relationship turned into more. While we were together, he kept saying how I was the best relationship he'd ever had, and I actually found myself thinking I could see spending my life with this guy. It didn't last, though. He dumped me, telling me he hadn't gotten over his last girlfriend and was still in love with her. I wish I could say I behaved with class and dignity, but I'd be lying--I was far too hurt for that. It was pretty ugly. We went our separate ways (and I was devastated for months.) He moved away, and while I didn't forget him, the hurt did eventually go away. We did still have friends in common, though, so with social media, it was inevitable we occasionally caught mention of the other. About six months ago, to my surprise, he sent me an apology via Facebook messenger, basically saying sorry, he always thought I was a wonderful person, and he hoped I was doing well. I hadn't answered at the time, because 1.) I was surprised, 2.) I wasn't sure if I wanted to or if there was a point to doing so, and 3.) I had a major change going on in my life that was sucking up my time, energy, and attention, so an ex-bf's apology wasn't high on my list. About a week ago, I'd been going through messages, saw his, and decided it wouldn't kill me to accept his apology, give my own (I didn't behave well in the breakup), and wish him well also. I figured he wouldn't respond to that, after all, I'd left his message sitting for months, and I didn't really give much to respond to. To my surprise, he answered almost immediately, telling me he was happy to hear from me, he'd thought of me over the years, complimenting me on how cute I still am, and pretty much caught me up on everything going on in his life. He asked if we could be friends again, I figured okay (after all, he doesn't live here anymore) and we friended on Facebook. He's been fairly chatty since then, mostly about his plans....which involve moving back here. Which has me wondering if there's something more to him reaching out after all these years. At one point, he asked why it had taken me so long to answer. I told him I'd been surprised and also had something urgent going on at the time, so I hadn't really been in a place to respond. I don't think he quite believes that, but that's not my problem, to be honest. I have to admit it's fun chatting with him--he always was a good conversationalist and fun to talk with, and it's easy to get drawn into a chat. Then I find myself feeling a bit leery about opening up too much, so I pull back at times. But he does keep reaching out and responding to a lot of things I post (to the point where some of my newer friends are asking if this is a new guy in my life, and the older friends having been asking me if we're getting back together.) Since I imagine I'll get asked, I don't know if I'd want to get back together. He was a lot of fun, and we were in sync in a lot of ways (and it seems over the years, we're still of like mind regarding a lot of things), and part of me has missed him. Another part of me just doesn't want to let him that close again. But I have to admit I'm wondering if he's 'testing the waters' on that idea. Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyself01 Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Be his friend. Nothing more or less. Don't jump straight to thinking of getting back together unless he brings it up. Maybe its just exactly what he said, he still wants to be friends. Don't think too much into it unless he brings it up, afterall, he's the one dumped you. You don't want to come off as desperate, then he'll just use it to his advantage. Stay cool. Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I would keep it light and have ZERO expectations. Don't rush to respond; have some mystery about you. If he is in fact moving back to the area, you don't want him to use you as his easy/available lay until he's settled and then dump you again because he doesn't want to get into any serious yet. I've seen it happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I think that IF you are going to talk like old friends, which seems to be what you're doing now, then before it goes much further you need to open up a conversation about the demise of your relationship. Contrary to what many think, you don't put that kind of stuff behind you by pretending together that it never happened, but rather ONLY by talking about it--why each of you behaved the way you did, how things made you feel, any other lingering questions each of you has, and equally importantly, WHY he is reaching out to you now. And on that last one, you cut him off when he starts with, "Well, I got to thinking about us, and blah blah..." by saying, "No. I mean the REAL reason. Why did you reach out to me? Why now and what are you looking for?" Don't back down, and don't ignore the need to have this conversation. If you don't, then yes, he could be "fishing" as he's moving back to your area, but it won't result in the kind of relationship it sounds like you'd be looking for. Or, if that's not what is going on, then if you don't address the past you guys will banter around for a while, and inevitably it will peter out. If you care at all about any kind of friendship or more with him going forward, you need to go "backward" to the past, together, and with honesty. If he's not capable of that at this point, then he's not worthy of being in your life in the now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ocean Rain Posted May 16, 2016 Author Share Posted May 16, 2016 Just a small update: We still chat, but I found a lot of times I'm kind of, "Meh" in my responses. On one occasion, I was in a chatty mood, and he signed off with, "Goodnight, Sexy." And I just read that, mentally shook my head, and thought, "Yep, gave yourself away." I didn't respond to that, I just let it drop. Is it weird that I find myself thinking 10% of the time that it could be interesting to see what happens, and 90% of the time feeling....well, *bored* with the whole thing? I tried imaging us getting together for coffee or something (he dropped a few hints about such a thing when he moves back), and I just couldn't conjure up any 'romantic fantasies' about it. (In fact, all I can imagine is awkwardness.) This ever happen to anybody else? Link to post Share on other sites
AT15 Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 In met up with an ex, and it was awkward after so many years. We still communicate every so often, but I'm totally not into to him at all. 16 years ago, his attention would give made my day.? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 Ah, the imaginary what if. I suspect that time has passed. Link to post Share on other sites
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