He ended it and I feel lost

[LostLonelyGirl]

I have a male friend who I have known since I was 15. He has always tried to get me to be with him. We lost touch for years and reconnected on Facebook 6 years ago. Even with me being married he told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. Even after he got with his now wife he still flirted with me often. I always kept my responses platonic but periodically I fought feelings for him and fantasized what it would be like to give in to him. ... well two months ago him and his wife came down and hung or with us and after that night our texts became more frequent than they had been. I got flirtier than I ever had dared to. Then I clearly stated that I had a sexual interest in him. From there on the texting quickly escalated into constant dirty texts and pictures. I gradually let him talk me into more and more. It started off just sexual but then he started telling me how in love with me he was and then we both started talking what-ifs.... what if we could be together? Would you have another kid for me?(I have two, he has none-him and wife having troubles conceiving) I knew deep down he wouldn't leave her, and deep down I'm not sure I'd want him to. His family would never accept me. I have him sexy pictures, skyped, dirty talked LITERALLY any time he asked. Then he quit texting me all the time or staying up to text me. Told me it wasn't practical(which is true but didn't seem to bother him before). Then I always had to text him first. Always felt like I was bothering him. Anytime I asked why things seemed less intense he'd get frustrated and say I was pushing him away. We have met up twice, never had sex but did other things. .. we had been talking about how we were going to when he got back(he is out of state for six weeks with his wife for work). We skyped for the last time a couple weeks ago. It was very sexual. ..his wife was gone for the weekend. The following two days I barely heard from him. The third day I saw him several times on Facebook and couldn't take it. I asked why he never wanted to talk to me anymore. No little messages through the day. .. he said I was really pissing him off. He said he's not the type to talk to people much. ...but that's not how he acted in the beginning? ?? Then told me how he had realized how in love with his wife he was while she was gone and broke things off. I was devastated and angry, got drunk and said all kinds of things. I have since realized that our "love" was more than likely extreme unfatuation. But I feel like there is a huge whole in my life. We are still friends and I'm trying to not show him how hurt I am. Pretty much 80% of our "relationship" at LEAST was sexual. But I haven't felt passion in years. The thought of never getting to be intimate with him again kills me. I know it wasn't love because I find myself thinking I would take FWB even. I am an insecure and jealous person. Being in a LDR was eating me up, especially when he starting seeming so distant. Now I keep beating myself up wishing I hadn't pushed him away. Anytime I asked him why things seemed different he said it was because I was pushing him away. ... but it just felt like empty words anymore. .. I miss him and what we had so much. Even though the last couple weeks of it I was always crying. If he loved me so much, and went after me for years, why dI'd only last two months. .. I feel like even though I did anything he asked, I just still wasn't good enough. I don't know how to stop being depressed and crying and hoping he'll come back

[ChickiePops]

You didn't push him away. It sounds like he felt like you were getting too attached whereas he was just looking for some fun on the side and thought you were an easy mark.

 

You barely mention your husband here..what about him?

[LostLonelyGirl]

I've only been with him. We've been together since I was fifteen. I'm not in love with him anymore or even slightly sexually interested in him. Actually any sexual advance from him makes me tense and angry. So that combined with my low self esteem. ... I caved and the OM made me feel like I was his whole world. Made me feel like the most attractive woman ever... thing is I'm not attracted to him physically. But knowing how much he wanted me and the way he would stop kissing me and just hold my face in his hands and stare into my eyes like he was amazed by me. ... I fell for it all. I gave him anything he asked for. Honestly I think towards the end he was stringing me along til he could get back in the area and have sex with me. Sick part is I find myself wishing he would've stuck with it. ... some days I feel like I'm better off and then I hear a song on the radio and fall into a deep depression. I cry at least every three days

[BuddyX]

Once you had kids, the lovey dovey feeling for the OM has to be suppressed. I encourage you to go NC. Focus on your family.

[Ophelia25]

I have more empathy than advice, but know that there are people feeling what you are, with OM who have done almost precisely the same thing for much, much longer.

 

I met mine when I was 15. Same day as my husband, actually. The OM was my first love. My husband was our mutual friend the three years we dated. Long boring story but...my relationship with the OM has always been passionate, sexual, intense, maddening. And when we reunited after 10 years of near silence, it was more explosive than ever. And it wasn't just sexual (we have not done "the deed," but have done mostly everything else), he wanted me and loved me and told me such wonderful beautiful thing about us being together and meant for each other and so on and so on. And it took him years to change his tune, his explanation being that our timing was off. And yet, he still wants to flirt and sext and I do it because it all I can get from him and I don't know how to let go or move forward. I also know that sex would get things moving. It would end things between us or force him to run to me because his wife would not keep him. Either would be an ending, but I don't feel like full on adultery could possibly be a solution.

 

Anyway, many of the things you said here are true for me. And I, too, feel like FWB would be better than nothing. But your feelings for him run deeper than his for you. And even if his feelings are deeper, he's not prepared to deal with them. It sucks. And it's going hurt. And even if he comes back, it's still going to hurt, and people on this board will try to help while also blaming you for being a weak selfish skank. Just know that you aren't the only one, and getting things out on here is probably more beneficial than pleading with him. Even though I'm still far from out, I have stopped asking him for anything or begging him for attention or hoping for love. Yes, I'm still getting occasional highs of sexual attention followed by his guilt and distance afterwards, until the next time. And I hate it. But I hate his silence more.

 

Keep posting and take from here what will help you get better.

[ChickiePops]

So why don't you divorce your husband if you hate him so much?

 

Honestly it really just sounds like this guy was using you as his own personal porn star. You got too attached and he was afraid you'd tell his wife so he got rid of you before he actually slept with you so he can claim innocence if his wife does find out.

 

Block and let go. And divorce your husband so you can both find people who love you.

[whichwayisup]

I've only been with him. We've been together since I was fifteen. I'm not in love with him anymore or even slightly sexually interested in him. Actually any sexual advance from him makes me tense and angry. So that combined with my low self esteem. ... I caved and the OM made me feel like I was his whole world. Made me feel like the most attractive woman ever... thing is I'm not attracted to him physically. But knowing how much he wanted me and the way he would stop kissing me and just hold my face in his hands and stare into my eyes like he was amazed by me. ... I fell for it all. I gave him anything he asked for. Honestly I think towards the end he was stringing me along til he could get back in the area and have sex with me. Sick part is I find myself wishing he would've stuck with it. ... some days I feel like I'm better off and then I hear a song on the radio and fall into a deep depression. I cry at least every three days

 

Get a divorce. This is no way to live, you'd be better off alone and having shared custody of your kids than stay in a sexless and loveless marriage. It's obvious it's over, you don't love your H so set him free so he can find love with someone else.

 

As for your MM, he was never interested in anything serious, only a fling on the side. Believe what he's told you about his marriage too.

 

End it completely, no friendship, no contact for good. He is poison to you.

 

Do counseling and build yourself up again, so you can live a happy and healthy life, learn to be independent and self sufficient and show your kids you can be the best mom and put them first.

[LostLonelyGirl]

So why don't you divorce your husband if you hate him so much?

 

Honestly it really just sounds like this guy was using you as his own personal porn star. You got too attached and he was afraid you'd tell his wife so he got rid of you before he actually slept with you so he can claim innocence if his wife does find out.

 

Block and let go. And divorce your husband so you can both find people who love you.

 

I don't think he thought I'd tell her because he knows I'm scared of my husband finding out because he has a bad temper. Plus there's no way he can claim innocence because I've saved sweet messages from him and he knows that. I think he wanted me available on his schedule and my neediness tipped the scale to where he didn't feel like it was worth the trouble anymore. It's just so hard because he was my friend for such a long time.

[ChickiePops]

I don't think he thought I'd tell her because he knows I'm scared of my husband finding out because he has a bad temper. Plus there's no way he can claim innocence because I've saved sweet messages from him and he knows that. I think he wanted me available on his schedule and my neediness tipped the scale to where he didn't feel like it was worth the trouble anymore. It's just so hard because he was my friend for such a long time.

 

Ok..I'll try again. Why won't you divorce your husband?

 

Also this guy sounds like a serial cheater. He knew you were vulnerable and he groomed you for an affair and then you got attached so he bailed. He's probably doing the same thing to multiple other women right now. You were an ego stroke and a masturbatory tool..he was never your friend.

 

Divorce your husband and find a single guy.

[LostLonelyGirl]

Ok..I'll try again. Why won't you divorce your husband?

 

Also this guy sounds like a serial cheater. He knew you were vulnerable and he groomed you for an affair and then you got attached so he bailed. He's probably doing the same thing to multiple other women right now. You were an ego stroke and a masturbatory tool..he was never your friend.

 

Divorce your husband and find a single guy.

 

We have two young children and I don't want to rip their life apart. And I hate change. I have massive anxiety problems. Anytime we come close to splitting I back out. ... I have never cheated on him in 15 years. I just wanted to feel happy again. To feel passion again. I'm so sad and overwhelmed all the time.... the OM has always built me up so high. He made feel feel so happy just to make me feel worse than I did before. I simultaneously hate him and want him back. ... I feel like an emotional trainwreck

[LostLonelyGirl]

And he told me that he was involved with inappropriate texting with his wife's friend before and she found out resulting in him begging her to not leave him. I knew that was a bad sign but I ignored it thinking I was different because he'd wanted me for so long. ..

[privategal]

I have a male friend who I have known since I was 15. He has always tried to get me to be with him. We lost touch for years and reconnected on Facebook 6 years ago. Even with me being married he told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. Even after he got with his now wife he still flirted with me often. I always kept my responses platonic but periodically I fought feelings for him and fantasized what it would be like to give in to him. ... well two months ago him and his wife came down and hung or with us and after that night our texts became more frequent than they had been. I got flirtier than I ever had dared to. Then I clearly stated that I had a sexual interest in him. From there on the texting quickly escalated into constant dirty texts and pictures. I gradually let him talk me into more and more. It started off just sexual but then he started telling me how in love with me he was and then we both started talking what-ifs.... what if we could be together? Would you have another kid for me?(I have two, he has none-him and wife having troubles conceiving) I knew deep down he wouldn't leave her, and deep down I'm not sure I'd want him to. His family would never accept me. I have him sexy pictures, skyped, dirty talked LITERALLY any time he asked. Then he quit texting me all the time or staying up to text me. Told me it wasn't practical(which is true but didn't seem to bother him before). Then I always had to text him first. Always felt like I was bothering him. Anytime I asked why things seemed less intense he'd get frustrated and say I was pushing him away. We have met up twice, never had sex but did other things. .. we had been talking about how we were going to when he got back(he is out of state for six weeks with his wife for work). We skyped for the last time a couple weeks ago. It was very sexual. ..his wife was gone for the weekend. The following two days I barely heard from him. The third day I saw him several times on Facebook and couldn't take it. I asked why he never wanted to talk to me anymore. No little messages through the day. .. he said I was really pissing him off. He said he's not the type to talk to people much. ...but that's not how he acted in the beginning? ?? Then told me how he had realized how in love with his wife he was while she was gone and broke things off. I was devastated and angry, got drunk and said all kinds of things. I have since realized that our "love" was more than likely extreme unfatuation. But I feel like there is a huge whole in my life. We are still friends and I'm trying to not show him how hurt I am. Pretty much 80% of our "relationship" at LEAST was sexual. But I haven't felt passion in years. The thought of never getting to be intimate with him again kills me. I know it wasn't love because I find myself thinking I would take FWB even. I am an insecure and jealous person. Being in a LDR was eating me up, especially when he starting seeming so distant. Now I keep beating myself up wishing I hadn't pushed him away. Anytime I asked him why things seemed different he said it was because I was pushing him away. ... but it just felt like empty words anymore. .. I miss him and what we had so much. Even though the last couple weeks of it I was always crying. If he loved me so much, and went after me for years, why dI'd only last two months. .. I feel like even though I did anything he asked, I just still wasn't good enough. I don't know how to stop being depressed and crying and hoping he'll come back

The cycle will repeat and repeat and repeat over and over and over.

He will come back during a lackluster time in his marriage...round two...the guilt will set in and he will cool off and stop it all..then...you guessed it...

This is a situation where it was unexpressed "passion" so the fantasy and chase and what ifs were fun...

Now...sorry if this is hurtful...the fantasy and fun and chase are over.

It wasnt special nor precious, it was sex and ego...

He conquered you...now, it 'might' pick back up on his terms which is why your dangling loosely by the "friendship" string and at best will get breadcrumbs...but...if hes lonely, shes not making him feel like the man...then TAG your it! For a moment.

Once he saw your needs and felt more obligated then excited to hear from you, he can go back to his autopilot love, marriage is a wonderful beautiful thing but the love is more passive, you can be lazy in it and not work for it.

These guys certainly arent gonna work for the mow/ow's love and tolerate her moods, questions, needs.

They are only going to be around when its fun, light, easy.

Hes dialing down your expectations, showing you, if you question me, expect my attention...then your annoying.

You go by his rules, his needs..not yours.

He may or may not love his wife but I expect they had a nice weekend, a soft date, intimate times, an upswing in their marriage and he thought...the A is becoming a chore...my wife loves me, I live her....might as well keep it easy for me (him).

Just....no. You gotta let this be it, let it be the end if your able.

You dont sound ready but Id caution you round 2, 3, 4, 10, 20...when they end...each ending wrecks and humiliated you more. You will never stop trying to be good enough either.

Your self esteem is already lowered and your addicted and would do anything now...this ones on you girl he has ALL the cards and your sitting at the table alone waiting for him to make you a deal.

What is he God?

Guarenteed he isnt crying right now. Pulm yourself up by your boot straps and get ready to take your own power back and ice him out.

[ChickiePops]

We have two young children and I don't want to rip their life apart. And I hate change. I have massive anxiety problems. Anytime we come close to splitting I back out. ... I have never cheated on him in 15 years. I just wanted to feel happy again. To feel passion again. I'm so sad and overwhelmed all the time.... the OM has always built me up so high. He made feel feel so happy just to make me feel worse than I did before. I simultaneously hate him and want him back. ... I feel like an emotional trainwreck

 

Do you think exposing them to a bad marriage is better than leaving one? Is cheating better? People divorce all the time. Kids survive. It's better than exposing them to unhappy or cheating parents?

 

You sound severely depressed. The OM is not the answer..therapy would be much more helpful.

[Frank13]

I am thinking his ego made him chase you. He was trying to win you over and once he did it validated his ego so he lost interest.

[Lois_Griffin]

He basically got the thrills he wanted, then when the excitement of it wore off, he did the slow fade.

 

You made it incredibly easy for him. But after a while, the risk just wasn't worth the reward for him anymore.

 

You're choosing to stay in a bad marriage I'm assuming because you're financially dependent on your husband, so you use your kids as an excuse to stay right where you are. Shame.

[LostLonelyGirl]

@privategal It's so hard to believe that someone would go to such lengths for YEARS trying to be with me just to drop me so quickly. It's demented. And he would say things like "oh I stayed up late alone talking with my wife's female cousin, you know the one I told you I have a flirtatious friendship with?" But if I said it bothered me it quickly became, "I have a really hard time dealing with jealousy. ..." bUT he would say things that felt like he was TRYING to make me jealous...??? I feel like I never really knew him at all. ....

[LostLonelyGirl]

You're choosing to stay in a bad marriage I'm assuming because you're financially dependent on your husband, so you use your kids as an excuse to stay right where you are. Shame.

 

I don't like people making assumptions about me. There are multiple reasons why I haven't left. One of which being my fear of his alcoholism regaining control over his life if I leave and then being required to leave my kids off with someone I don't trust to properly parent

[sandylee1]

Why don't you try marriage counselling with your husband?

 

You don't want a divorce..but rejecting him and being angry when he touches you will drive him away and into the arms of a welcoming woman.

 

Then because he doesn't get affection from you he could fall in love and leave you anyway.

 

You married him of your own free will I presume? What has changed about him that you can't stand anymore?

 

Cheating is not the answer to your problems.

[elaine567]

Having an OW and a wife, is a huge ego boost, he is "da man".

Vulnerable married women are heaven sent, they lap up the attention and are "safe", they are not sleeping around like a single women might be and they are so scared for their own marriage they are unlikely to spill the beans.

 

Here he loved the chase, but when he caught you, he lost interest and when you started being troublesome, he dumped you.

 

Figure out what YOU want out of life here.

Stuck in a loveless marriage is no fun, cavorting with MM ends up as no fun either.

Take this as an opportunity to sort your life out.

[Ms. Faust]

He basically got the thrills he wanted, then when the excitement of it wore off, he did the slow fade.

 

You made it incredibly easy for him. But after a while, the risk just wasn't worth the reward for him anymore.

 

You're choosing to stay in a bad marriage I'm assuming because you're financially dependent on your husband, so you use your kids as an excuse to stay right where you are. Shame.

 

I pretty much agree with what Lois says. Call a spade a spade.

 

 

I don't like people making assumptions about me. There are multiple reasons why I haven't left. One of which being my fear of his alcoholism regaining control over his life if I leave and then being required to leave my kids off with someone I don't trust to properly parent

 

 

In general when I read peoples' posts I try to take them at face value, but for yours I think it's more prudent to take with a grain of salt. You use a lot of language that puts you in a victim role, which I thought was kind of striking in your initial post.

 

"He has always tried to get with me..."

"I gradually let him talk me into more and more...."

" he started telling me how in love with me he was and then we both started talking what-ifs..."

 

I can understand the MM being the one who pursued, but I believe there is usually some sort of mutual escalations of flirtation that leads to him being more aggressive. Basically, you were open (as you stated) and willing.

 

The reason you stated for not wanting to leave is a hypothetical. If you don't like your husband, and you are choosing to stay in the marriage for whatever reasons (be it financial or because you want to maintain control over how the children are parented) then why are you complaining about being unhappy? You are the one allowing yourself to stay in that situation.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[ChickiePops]

You can't save your husband from alcoholism if he's an alcoholic, just like the OM can't save you from depression.

 

Seriously..it really does sound like you are very very severely depressed and in need of a lot of help. It sounds like the OM is just the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Will you at least consider consulting a therapist?

[privategal]

@privategal It's so hard to believe that someone would go to such lengths for YEARS trying to be with me just to drop me so quickly. It's demented. And he would say things like "oh I stayed up late alone talking with my wife's female cousin, you know the one I told you I have a flirtatious friendship with?" But if I said it bothered me it quickly became, "I have a really hard time dealing with jealousy. ..." bUT he would say things that felt like he was TRYING to make me jealous...??? I feel like I never really knew him at all. ....

 

So it sounds like a GIFT he is gone.

LikeI said, it was the CHASE, The THRILL.

In the words of BB King the thrill is gone.

Accept that.

The thrill should be gone for you too.

A man who knows your hurting is now telling you things he knows would hurt?

Ummm....Id rather die then accept one more call from him.

Your in need of seeing clearly and I know you can. Your gonna need to block your phone and start NC.

Therapy, anti-depressants, divorce...those are all your choice and you will begin to deal with them hopefully.

For now...put out the immediate fire...this man can no longer have access to you...he has no relevance and nothing good is coming out of his big mouth. Let him sleep with the whole freaking town if he wanted to...never ever speak to him again. Thats a start. Time for you now.

[whichwayisup]

@privategal It's so hard to believe that someone would go to such lengths for YEARS trying to be with me just to drop me so quickly. It's demented. And he would say things like "oh I stayed up late alone talking with my wife's female cousin, you know the one I told you I have a flirtatious friendship with?" But if I said it bothered me it quickly became, "I have a really hard time dealing with jealousy. ..." bUT he would say things that felt like he was TRYING to make me jealous...??? I feel like I never really knew him at all. ....

 

Probably because he was never the person you thought he was. He showed you what he wanted you to see.

[whichwayisup]

I don't like people making assumptions about me. There are multiple reasons why I haven't left. One of which being my fear of his alcoholism regaining control over his life if I leave and then being required to leave my kids off with someone I don't trust to properly parent

 

So you don't let him have any time of custody until he can prove he's clean and sober. How old are your kids? Young or preteen?

 

His drinking is NOT your responsibility nor your fault. He's a grown man, not a child.

[Ophelia25]

I pretty much agree with what Lois says. Call a spade a spade.

 

 

 

 

In general when I read peoples' posts I try to take them at face value, but for yours I think it's more prudent to take with a grain of salt. You use a lot of language that puts you in a victim role, which I thought was kind of striking in your initial post.

 

"He has always tried to get with me..."

"I gradually let him talk me into more and more...."

" he started telling me how in love with me he was and then we both started talking what-ifs..."

 

I can understand the MM being the one who pursued, but I believe there is usually some sort of mutual escalations of flirtation that leads to him being more aggressive. Basically, you were open (as you stated) and willing.

 

The reason you stated for not wanting to leave is a hypothetical. If you don't like your husband, and you are choosing to stay in the marriage for whatever reasons (be it financial or because you want to maintain control over how the children are parented) then why are you complaining about being unhappy? You are the one allowing yourself to stay in that situation.

 

I think maybe we feel more like "the victim" when the OM controls the relationship. Not that it's accurate, because we have the ability to say no. We just...don't. Because the attention feels so wonderful, because we are lonely, because we are messed up in the head, whatever. But yes, it certainly escalates - and quickly. And we are as much to blame, really, for letting it. But, we (by "we" I'm meaning OP and myself, being in similar situation, I could be way off) also concede based on feelings that we don't think are going to just disappear on either end. Of course, we don't really think about where things are going, either. (Ha, I'm a constant worrier, so actually found it kind of a relief to "live in the now" for a bit.)

 

I don't like blaming OP for making herself unhappy staying in marriage. Maybe it's a better place to be. Maybe the H is a decent man who loves his kids and provides for her, and she decided, or is considering, that leaving for her own happiness isn't enough. That's kind of what I decided. I'm not miserable in my marriage. I'm not deliriously happy, but I'm married to a pretty good guy who knows me well and understands me, some of the time. I'm not sure I'd be happier without him and on my own, though I do think the OM and I could be happier with each other, if we really worked through all the crap. I just try to keep thinking about the greater good. The OM can bury his feelings for me and plug on being a pretty decent father and at least a somewhat functional husband. His wife gets a father for her children and to keep up the pretense of the lovely family dream for her friends and loved ones, his kids get to see their parents at least pretending to be a happy family (and I think they likely are the majority of the time) and he gets to keep his white picket fence and doting parents and circle of friends. Why would he even think about giving that up for the misery that I would bring? It would be years of grueling pain for so many people. And, my husband really likes me - seems cruel to hurt him so much just because I MIGHT eventually be happier with this OM. Yes, maybe OP and her H would have a chance at being happier without each other, but now that she's established the OM is a sex only kind of guy, she'd be leaving H maybe to be alone. Scary idea. Maybe too scary.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Ophelia25