He ended it and I feel lost

[LostLonelyGirl]

I pretty much agree with what Lois says. Call a spade a spade.

 

 

 

 

In general when I read peoples' posts I try to take them at face value, but for yours I think it's more prudent to take with a grain of salt. You use a lot of language that puts you in a victim role, which I thought was kind of striking in your initial post.

 

"He has always tried to get with me..."

"I gradually let him talk me into more and more...."

" he started telling me how in love with me he was and then we both started talking what-ifs..."

 

I can understand the MM being the one who pursued, but I believe there is usually some sort of mutual escalations of flirtation that leads to him being more aggressive. Basically, you were open (as you stated) and willing.

 

The reason you stated for not wanting to leave is a hypothetical. If you don't like your husband, and you are choosing to stay in the marriage for whatever reasons (be it financial or because you want to maintain control over how the children are parented) then why are you complaining about being unhappy? You are the one allowing yourself to stay in that situation.

 

I'm not trying to be a victim. I'm very aware i was equally to blame. But I am so confused because he was always pushing me to tell him I loved him. For a while I always just said I didn't know how I felt but eventually decided I was (which now I don't believe was accurate ). He then told me being told I love you turned him on more than anything. So was that why he pushed me to say it?? Just cause it got him going? And how is me saying he went after me for years "playing the victim"? I was just trying to explain why I decided to have the affair. Because of his adoration for me for so long. I didn't know telling a backstory made me seem so bad :/

[LostLonelyGirl]

You can't save your husband from alcoholism if he's an alcoholic, just like the OM can't save you from depression.

 

Seriously..it really does sound like you are very very severely depressed and in need of a lot of help. It sounds like the OM is just the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Will you at least consider consulting a therapist?

 

I was going to one for a long time but I don't have the money to right now and it's hard to find the time. I tried to go a couple times recently but both times didn't work out

[privategal]

Sometimes you will get some harsh posts and read words that really hurt.

It is because you are hurt, vulnerable and down. Try not to take it personal, most here mean well and you can learn alot, and just let go of comments that arent productive to you.

[LostLonelyGirl]

So it sounds like a GIFT he is gone.

LikeI said, it was the CHASE, The THRILL.

In the words of BB King the thrill is gone.

Accept that.

The thrill should be gone for you too.

A man who knows your hurting is now telling you things he knows would hurt?

Ummm....Id rather die then accept one more call from him.

Your in need of seeing clearly and I know you can. Your gonna need to block your phone and start NC.

Therapy, anti-depressants, divorce...those are all your choice and you will begin to deal with them hopefully.

For now...put out the immediate fire...this man can no longer have access to you...he has no relevance and nothing good is coming out of his big mouth. Let him sleep with the whole freaking town if he wanted to...never ever speak to him again. Thats a start. Time for you now.

 

He was telling me those things while we were together. Along with things about a girl he knew I was worried he wanted. .. now the only communication has been friendly banter like before any of this started. And I've had to initiate every time. After talking to you all I feel more and more like I shouldn't have to feel bad that I wanted the attention he gave me in the beginning. .also he was so quick to produce this app of his when I said I couldn't keep pics of him because my phone didn't have an option to hide them. At the time I thought, so who else have you used that for. ... there were so many red flags but I ignored them all to hold on to the good feelings he gave me. I want to delete him from my life but I'm just not ready. .honestly i would love the chance to watch him come crawling back and tell him no. After giving him everything he wanted for him to leave me like I'm nothing. ... maybe it's petty but I want the upper hand. He is a user scumbag. I don't like that he gets to think I'm just waiting around for him. But maybe I will get over it and be able to delete him without any closure. I'm still fighting feelings for him which is so ridiculous at this point. I feel so pathetic and can't believe I allowed myself to act the way I did just to please him. I'm so disgusted with myself

[privategal]

He was telling me those things while we were together. Along with things about a girl he knew I was worried he wanted. .. now the only communication has been friendly banter like before any of this started. And I've had to initiate every time. After talking to you all I feel more and more like I shouldn't have to feel bad that I wanted the attention he gave me in the beginning. .also he was so quick to produce this app of his when I said I couldn't keep pics of him because my phone didn't have an option to hide them. At the time I thought, so who else have you used that for. ... there were so many red flags but I ignored them all to hold on to the good feelings he gave me. I want to delete him from my life but I'm just not ready. .honestly i would love the chance to watch him come crawling back and tell him no. After giving him everything he wanted for him to leave me like I'm nothing. ... maybe it's petty but I want the upper hand. He is a user scumbag. I don't like that he gets to think I'm just waiting around for him. But maybe I will get over it and be able to delete him without any closure. I'm still fighting feelings for him which is so ridiculous at this point. I feel so pathetic and can't believe I allowed myself to act the way I did just to please him. I'm so disgusted with myself

You get the upper hand when you block him without words, drama, explanations, nothing. Silence says more than words could ever say.

You will be even more disgusted with yourself if you keep feeling desperate and keep your text, phone number, fb, email unblocked for when this loser crawls back for more ego strokes and using. The app, the other girls, the jealousy, the way you have been treated...no, no, no, no, N-O!

The drama stops here.

You ALREADY have the power.

IMAGINE his big ego when he texts, emails and hes blocked...ignored...stonewalled.

He will be SHOCKED when you dont chade him and write him...he will be doublelly shocked when he writes and finds you gone, silent, not waiting, not EVER writing back. Thats power honey!

Moving on with your life is POWER!!

 

If you took your last post and read it like someone else wrote it about a guy they dated...you would say Ewe...get rid of that guy.

You can struggle with lingering feelings fine, but still ice and block and begin to heal. Some a-hole doesnt deserve your tears and care. You only get one life.

Id work on getting mentally and o

Physically fit and not make your whole existence and happiness about one guy...especially THIS guy!!

Pull yourself together. Read your own description of him. Every day.

Im gonna tell you straight, no one here is going to be able to empathize with you for long cause he is that much of a jerk that its hard to support you giving him your thoughts when you are ABOVE HIM.

[2016forme]

I don't think he thought I'd tell her because he knows I'm scared of my husband finding out because he has a bad temper. Plus there's no way he can claim innocence because I've saved sweet messages from him and he knows that. I think he wanted me available on his schedule and my neediness tipped the scale to where he didn't feel like it was worth the trouble anymore. It's just so hard because he was my friend for such a long time.

 

After reading your story, I thought it was amazing how you two started out as really good friends. But as life changed for the both of you, you went your separate ways.Both of you got married to different people. It seems like this friend of yours was highly flirtatious in the heat of the moment. But for some reason, he pulled back to avoid desperation and fear.I really think that even though you had parted separate ways, you have to live your life and he has to live his.

 

I know it may sound tough, but please don't occupy your precious time thinking about the yesterday years and the way things used to be. You should really think about yourself, your husband and your children. You made a vow with your husband. Stick to it. Focus on your children. Forget about the former friend and move on with your life. This won't happen overnight, but you have to give yourself time to heal and let go. It's good that you didn't act upon your fantasy and engage in illicit sex with this guy cause he's married to someone else.

 

Although I would never advocate for divorce (and anyone who says you are not divorcing because you have kids needs a second time to think this over) can I ask why do you hate your husband? I hope that everything works out for you.

[LostLonelyGirl]

Thank you. ...I will try to make myself do it soon. If he hadn't been a friend before all this, I would've done it already. ...it makes it feel so complicated. But truly I don't think he was ever a friend. Just a horny man.

[LostLonelyGirl]

After reading your story, I thought it was amazing how you two started out as really good friends. But as life changed for the both of you, you went your separate ways.Both of you got married to different people. It seems like this friend of yours was highly flirtatious in the heat of the moment. But for some reason, he pulled back to avoid desperation and fear.I really think that even though you had parted separate ways, you have to live your life and he has to live his.

 

I know it may sound tough, but please don't occupy your precious time thinking about the yesterday years and the way things used to be. You should really think about yourself, your husband and your children. You made a vow with your husband. Stick to it. Focus on your children. Forget about the former friend and move on with your life. This won't happen overnight, but you have to give yourself time to heal and let go. It's good that you didn't act upon your fantasy and engage in illicit sex with this guy cause he's married to someone else.

 

Although I would never advocate for divorce (and anyone who says you are not divorcing because you have kids needs a second time to think this over) can I ask why do you hate your husband? I hope that everything works out for you.

 

He did things while drinking for several years that made me disgusted and at times fearful. Even though that doesn't happen as often anymore, I feel like he killed off any romantic feelings I had by the things he said and did. I feel like he's my roommate. But I don't feel strong enough to end it and start over.

[2016forme]

You're choosing to stay in a bad marriage I'm assuming because you're financially dependent on your husband, so you use your kids as an excuse to stay right where you are. Shame.

 

I don't like people making assumptions about me. There are multiple reasons why I haven't left. One of which being my fear of his alcoholism regaining control over his life if I leave and then being required to leave my kids off with someone I don't trust to properly parent

 

It is hard to have a family member who is an alcoholic. You can only do what is best for you while protecting your children. This may not be an easy process, but if your husband doesn't want to lose you and the kids, he should get intervention and refrain from alcohol. Anytime that someone turns to alcohol to escape their personal problems, not realizing that the problems are still there, that is alcoholism. I know from experience. I wish you the best of luck in repairing your marriage and doing what is right for your children. Also good luck in moving beyond your former friend. Learning to forgive yourself first is what counts.

[2016forme]

He did things while drinking for several years that made me disgusted and at times fearful. Even though that doesn't happen as often anymore, I feel like he killed off any romantic feelings I had by the things he said and did. I feel like he's my roommate. But I don't feel strong enough to end it and start over.

 

In a sense, I don't blame you for not leaving your marriage and starting over.I know it is not that easy especially now that you have children.

 

You are going to need time to heal and recuperate from the former friend and your husband's alcoholism. I'm so sorry that you are going through this tough transition in your life.

 

Is there a way that you, your husband and children can get counseling for the sake of saving your marriage and your family?

[solonely9]

He was preying upon you. He knew you were an easy target, because you've been with your husband only, you have no experience, and you suffer from low self-esteem. For him, you were just a sexual object, an outlet for his dirtiest fantasies. As long as he was getting what he needed from you, he was okay, but when you became attached, he lost interest, because you ruined this pornographic image he had of you with "feelings."

 

 

He is a narcissist and a pervert. Stay away from him. If he was a decent guy who really liked you, the things he made you do for him wouldn't have even crossed his mind.

 

 

Please, believe me, there is nothing more there than an unhealthy sexual interest. Who knows what he might have asked you to do? I don't even want to think about it, but, I am sure you will have ended up feeling used and hating yourself. There are people who can deal with being in such "relationships," but, for me, they are stone-cold psychopaths. You, on the other hand, seem like a normal, sensitive person, whose weaknesses he used to drag you into his dark world. Be glad it is over, because it would have destroyed you.

[2016forme]

Thank you. ...I will try to make myself do it soon. If he hadn't been a friend before all this, I would've done it already. ...it makes it feel so complicated. But truly I don't think he was ever a friend. Just a horny man.

 

I can completely agree with your statement. It is totally different when someone has impulses as compared to acting upon them. When someone acts on their actions, they are acting upon how they feel and the sensation it brings. But the reality ( and possible disappointment that it brings) is a whole different story.

[privategal]

I was that friend for 15 years. I was platonic, good to him, loyal...when out of the blue the love professions came out, I thought they were innocent realizations on his part that he had discovered all these years later after we married other people that I was the one who got away and he really cared and loved me.

We didnt have sex nor pursue leaving our spouses, we simply dove into all the romance and fantasies we never uncovered when we had the chance.

He too pulled me into dark bdsm, kink, it was getting deep, it was exciting too and I did unrecignizable things as I mistaked it for "love" and was somehow honored that he could open up to me and tell me the true fantasies and secret desires he couldnt even share with his wife.

I was the nice girl, the good loyal girl. I never knew it was just using, lust, and fantasy.

I and my friendship were thrown away and he went cold turkey abandoning even platonic simple friendship and back to his wife and kids as though none of it happened or existed at all.

I think you escaped what could have become way worse.

Block all paths to him, its toxic and my ending shattered me, left me abandoned and wrecked my self esteem and spun me to depression and spiraling without dignity.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I was that friend for 15 years. I was platonic, good to him, loyal...when out of the blue the love professions came out, I thought they were innocent realizations on his part that he had discovered all these years later after we married other people that I was the one who got away and he really cared and loved me.

We didnt have sex nor pursue leaving our spouses, we simply dove into all the romance and fantasies we never uncovered when we had the chance.

He too pulled me into dark bdsm, kink, it was getting deep, it was exciting too and I did unrecignizable things as I mistaked it for "love" and was somehow honored that he could open up to me and tell me the true fantasies and secret desires he couldnt even share with his wife.

I was the nice girl, the good loyal girl. I never knew it was just using, lust, and fantasy.

I and my friendship were thrown away and he went cold turkey abandoning even platonic simple friendship and back to his wife and kids as though none of it happened or existed at all.

I think you escaped what could have become way worse.

Block all paths to him, its toxic and my ending shattered me, left me abandoned and wrecked my self esteem and spun me to depression and spiraling without dignity.

 

Sounds so much like my situation ....I'm sorry you went through it too. His ending things makes me feel like it was me. Like I couldn't live up to who he imagined I was. Like I was just too irritating and bothersome. I feel that way all the time. .like if I let someone see the real me, flaws aND all, that they always decide I'm too much to deal with. I have a huge heart and I trust people with it too easily, expecting the same respect I would give them. Its so hard because I told him things I've never told anyone. I felt I could trust him. I told him to delete any pix of me when he ended it. He said he would but I don't know that I trust that he did and that greatly bothers me. I know it was my own fault. ...but I just thought I could trust him. I feel like I've been so massively betrayed by someone who claimed I was his best friend.

Edited April 21, 2016 by LostLonelyGirl

[Ophelia25]

Sounds so much like my situation ....I'm sorry you went through it too. His ending things makes me feel like it was me. Like I couldn't live up to who he imagined I was. Like I was just too irritating and bothersome. I feel that way all the time. .like if I let someone see the real me, flaws aND all, that they always decide I'm too much to deal with. I have a huge heart and I trust people with it too easily, expecting the same respect I would give them. Its so hard because I told him things I've never told anyone. I felt I could trust him. I told him to delete any pix of me when he ended it. He said he would but I don't know that I trust that he did and that greatly bothers me. I know it was my own fault. ...but I just thought I could trust him. I feel like I've been so massively betrayed by someone who claimed I was his best friend.

 

Mine, too. Y'all are killin' me.

[LostLonelyGirl]

This morning I felt like I don't care about him, it's best that he's gone. ...now suddenly I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears. I keep thinking if I'd just adjusted better to less attention from him. If I'd not sent him pictures all the time, maybe the mystery and thrill would still be there. Maybe he's not as bad as I made it sound and it was really all my fault. I want to just not care about him at all or wonder if he thinks about me or misses me at all. ...I hate that I've done this to myself

[solonely9]

This morning I felt like I don't care about him, it's best that he's gone. ...now suddenly I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears. I keep thinking if I'd just adjusted better to less attention from him. If I'd not sent him pictures all the time, maybe the mystery and thrill would still be there. Maybe he's not as bad as I made it sound and it was really all my fault. I want to just not care about him at all or wonder if he thinks about me or misses me at all. ...I hate that I've done this to myself

 

 

Your way of thinking is so wrong and unhealthy, LostLonelyGirl. He IS that bad. You don't adjust to toxic people. You get rid of them. As I said, he preyed upon you. He knew your weaknesses and took advantage of your low self-esteem. There is nothing more to it. It is not like he is that decent guy who was genuinely interested in you and you disappointed him in some way.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I haven't contacted him since Monday night... woke up this morning feeling angry and irritated.

[loveisanaction]

The reason why some of us fail at NC is because in the beginning it is excruciatingly painful, we don't want to feel the pain anymore so we break it.

 

But pain is like exercising, the first couple of months are grueling, your body is sore, you're exhausted all the time so you want to give up. But if you keep on exercising, it becomes easier and easier, after a while, working out becomes a breeze.

 

 

Don't give up.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I think about him all day.... I play out what I could've done to make him stay. I think about what I would say if he wanted me back. I don't want to think about him. I don't even understand why I want him. I'm not physically attracted to him. We get along good but our interests couldn't be more different. But when we were actually together, the passion was intense. I guess maybe that's what I really miss. ...the possibility of getting to experience that again.

[ladydesigner]

I think about him all day.... I play out what I could've done to make him stay. I think about what I would say if he wanted me back. I don't want to think about him. I don't even understand why I want him. I'm not physically attracted to him. We get along good but our interests couldn't be more different. But when we were actually together, the passion was intense. I guess maybe that's what I really miss. ...the possibility of getting to experience that again.

 

When I put my fMOW hat on, this is exactly how I had felt about my XOM at one time. We couldn't have been more different and when I really thought about what a future would have looked like with him I couldn't and didn't want it. His life was nothing like my life. I am now 7 years of NC and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I never think about him now, like not an inkling, and here I was at that time ready to blow my whole life up for an addiction.

 

That is what your MM is an addiction. You crave the way he makes you feel. Try and find that within yourself and with someone who appreciates you.

 

(((LostLonelyGirl)))

[LostLonelyGirl]

I was that friend for 15 years. I was platonic, good to him, loyal...when out of the blue the love professions came out, I thought they were innocent realizations on his part that he had discovered all these years later after we married other people that I was the one who got away and he really cared and loved me.

We didnt have sex nor pursue leaving our spouses, we simply dove into all the romance and fantasies we never uncovered when we had the chance.

He too pulled me into dark bdsm, kink, it was getting deep, it was exciting too and I did unrecignizable things as I mistaked it for "love" and was somehow honored that he could open up to me and tell me the true fantasies and secret desires he couldnt even share with his wife.

I was the nice girl, the good loyal girl. I never knew it was just using, lust, and fantasy.

I and my friendship were thrown away and he went cold turkey abandoning even platonic simple friendship and back to his wife and kids as though none of it happened or existed at all.

I think you escaped what could have become way worse.

Block all paths to him, its toxic and my ending shattered me, left me abandoned and wrecked my self esteem and spun me to depression and spiraling without dignity.

 

How long was your relationship?

[LostLonelyGirl]

I don't want to annoy people on here venting about my situation, but if I don't have anyone to talk to or help me, I know he will suck me right back in if he comes back. I keep wondering if I'm gonna hear from him once he's back in the state and has an actual opportunity to be physical with me. He seemed like he got more distant between our first two meetings also. But that was two weeks and this had been almost a month and was gonna be another month possibly. ... I don't think he wanted to deal with my wanting his time. Like, it was easier for him to act that way knowing he would get to touch me soon I'm thinking. ...

[stilltrying16]

I don't want to annoy people on here venting about my situation, but if I don't have anyone to talk to or help me, I know he will suck me right back in if he comes back. I keep wondering if I'm gonna hear from him once he's back in the state and has an actual opportunity to be physical with me. He seemed like he got more distant between our first two meetings also. But that was two weeks and this had been almost a month and was gonna be another month possibly. ... I don't think he wanted to deal with my wanting his time. Like, it was easier for him to act that way knowing he would get to touch me soon I'm thinking. ...

 

Of course you aren't annoying anyone by posting....please keep venting when you need it! I haven't been here too long myself but I think that at certain times of day and closer to the weekend fewer people are reading.

 

(((((LostLonelyGirl))))) hang in there, honey! He will not suck you back. You will still keep going in the right direction. Sometimes it'll seem like two steps forward three steps back, but so what...just keep faith through those moments and keep on going. You will get out this!

 

I'm going to go back and re-read your whole thread, because I'm forgetting some details, but I wanted to send you a hug before I did that. Also wanted to ask, have you been reading around the site? If you haven't, I strongly recommend that you start... in some of the recent threads it's amazing how much perspective and strength other posters in similar situations give each other.

 

Also, how you spend your typical day? Are you surrounded by people, or are you on your own much of the day? How did you keep busy before he entered your life? What are some things that you really liked doing before you met him? Do you feel you have strong self-esteem or not?

 

Knowing these things helps me get a better sense of how I could support you. You are locked in a circle of thinking- there are ways to get out and start reclaiming your power.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I am usually at home with my little boy and got to work for a few hours at night. Once a week I usually work a full day shift. Even when I'm busy he's still on my mind. I hate it. I get so mad at myself for not being able to keep him out of my thoughts. If I could just quit feeling like I ruined the one thing that made me feel so happy. ....if I could ONLY hate him and not miss him too part of me thinks I would be fine with just getting the physical part if that's all he wanted. ..but part of me argues against that. All I wanted was a little hey I'm thinking of you text in the middle of the day on his break. If he couldnt even be bothered to do that. ...I don't get it. I'm a nice person. I try to treat people how I would want to be treated. Having this affair is not like me. I typically don't lie to people. I just was so tired of making everyone happy and being miserable. I wanted to feel something. He made me feel like I was his whole world then just phased me out. Then wondered why I kept asking what was going on. Is it wrong of me to wonder why he would go from texting me nonstop all day to nothing all day until he goes to bed? He always said I was pushing him away. By wanting to feel loved by him the way he did in the beginning? I felt so crazy sitting around waiting for him to text me, feeling like I was bothering him if I texted him first.... but feeling like if I asked why he was acting so different he was gonna get mad at me....