He ended it and I feel lost

[ladydesigner]

I am usually at home with my little boy and got to work for a few hours at night. Once a week I usually work a full day shift. Even when I'm busy he's still on my mind. I hate it. I get so mad at myself for not being able to keep him out of my thoughts. If I could just quit feeling like I ruined the one thing that made me feel so happy. ....if I could ONLY hate him and not miss him too part of me thinks I would be fine with just getting the physical part if that's all he wanted. ..but part of me argues against that. All I wanted was a little hey I'm thinking of you text in the middle of the day on his break. If he couldnt even be bothered to do that. ...I don't get it. I'm a nice person. I try to treat people how I would want to be treated. Having this affair is not like me. I typically don't lie to people. I just was so tired of making everyone happy and being miserable. I wanted to feel something. He made me feel like I was his whole world then just phased me out. Then wondered why I kept asking what was going on. Is it wrong of me to wonder why he would go from texting me nonstop all day to nothing all day until he goes to bed? He always said I was pushing him away. By wanting to feel loved by him the way he did in the beginning? I felt so crazy sitting around waiting for him to text me, feeling like I was bothering him if I texted him first.... but feeling like if I asked why he was acting so different he was gonna get mad at me....

 

I hate when they say this! I am a fMOW and current BS. My WH uses this terminology whenever he doesn't want to be accountable. I think most MM are this way. The A is on their terms beacuse it suits them. It's not right.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I hate when they say this! I am a fMOW and current BS. My WH uses this terminology whenever he doesn't want to be accountable. I think most MM are this way. The A is on their terms beacuse it suits them. It's not right.

 

What do BS & WH mean?

[stilltrying16]

I am usually at home with my little boy and got to work for a few hours at night. Once a week I usually work a full day shift. Even when I'm busy he's still on my mind. I hate it. I get so mad at myself for not being able to keep him out of my thoughts.

 

I hear you. I'm a big believer in taking responsibility. But not beating yourself up. I think if anything, beating yourself up robs us of so much energy that there's very little left to take responsibility.

 

Don't be mad at yourself that you can't stop those thoughts! Very few of us can keep out obsessive thoughts. It's one of the hardest things to do. There are strategies on how to stop obsessive thinking and they absolutely work over time. People figure it out by going to counseling or if that's not possible, then simply by teaching themselves. Even googling helps- just google "how to overcome obsessive thinking." Be patient and try the things they recommend. It's trial and error. Don't be angry with yourself if it doesn't work right away.

 

A simple change of scenery can help when the thoughts hit. Exercise helps, but something you like doing. You get the endorphin rush. Put your little one in a stroller and go for a walk in the sun when you can. If you're at work,switch attention. There are ways to do it. Deep breaths help. So does focusing completely on something before your eyes. Notice every little thing about it. If this sounds dumb there are other tricks. Practice practice practice. You will get there.

 

If he couldnt even be bothered to do that. ...I don't get it. I'm a nice person.

Exactly. You don't get it...and that is because you are a nice person. He is a playaaaah. He knows how to find people with vulnerabilities and when he does, he pounces. You work your butt off, you don't have adult interaction much of the day, and you are longing for love and appreciation. You deserve to get it and you will. But not through him. He is a user, a taker, not a giver. He's playing cat and mouse with you. Your job is to strengthen yourself against him- not to figure him out.

I try to treat people how I would want to be treated. Having this affair is not like me. I typically don't lie to people. I just was so tired of making everyone happy and being miserable.

You're having to deal with so much. I am sorry. You are a decent person. While that makes you vulnerable to people like him - because you can't mistreat others the way he is mistreating you- it also means at some point you will be sickened at how creepy this man is. And that will make you detach. For now, go NC with him as much as you can.

 

I wanted to feel something.

All the reading I've done about affairs, this is the theme that keeps coming up: I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel alive. Yes. We all want that. But we have to make our emotional health a priority and eventually we will find it within ourself. It will not come from another person.

Is it wrong of me to wonder why he would go from texting me nonstop all day to nothing all day until he goes to bed?

...

I felt so crazy sitting around waiting for him to text me, feeling like I was bothering him if I texted him first.... but feeling like if I asked why he was acting so different he was gonna get mad at me....

It's not wrong to wonder but I wanted to ask why you aren't able to accept the answers that have ben offered on this thread: he is a user. He is playing you. He is following the cheater's script. Read other threads- this is exactly what other cheaters do. It's like a textbook they follow. So I'm not berating you- I want to understand. Why is that question still on your mind?

 

As for the rest, I completely agree that he is a Class A manipulator. He could go on a lecture tour on how to manipulate people. He gives you nothing and yet he's got you walking on eggshells. That is how abusers operate. Seriously.

 

Please keep reading and posting, LostLonelyGirl. It's helped so many people.

Edited April 22, 2016 by stilltrying16

[stilltrying16]

What do BS & WH mean?

 

BS: Betrayed spouse

WH: Wayward Husband or Wandering Husband.

[LostLonelyGirl]

It's not wrong to wonder but I wanted to ask why you aren't able to accept the answers that have ben offered on this thread: he is a user. He is playing you. He is following the cheater's script. Read other threads- this is exactly what other cheaters do. It's like a textbook they follow. So I'm not berating you- I want to understand. Why is that question still on your mind?

 

 

 

Because it's my personality to always think it must've been my fault. I have a needy personality. I feel deep down with every inch of my being that I always ruin everything. I think, "well he was still messaging me at night..." "He really doesn't have much time on his breaks to talk. .." "his wife was around more often. .." then I start on with the "if I'd done this different...." or "if I had backed off a little and gave him space. ...." and then I kick myself more. I constantly go back and forth between hating him and thinking hes a user and missing him and thinking I'm just blaming him more than he deserves. I didn't fall out of the excitement of it all, but he obviously did. And then I wonder was I really so irritating that he would give up all the ways I was willing to satisfy his desires, or did he not find me that sexy anymore after only two months? Sorry. ...I just overthink everything and I'm so sad

[LostLonelyGirl]

I'm glad I found this forum because I was sitting around going crazy and crying all the time. It's good to hear other people describe the same things I was enduring. But also if I admit to myself that he was lying and only using me to get off, then I have to admit to myself that I never meant anything to him. .. he sounded so incredibly sincere in the beginning about his love for me. But towards the end of the two months he felt like a friend pretending to love me

[LostLonelyGirl]

I don't want to have to admit I wasnt special....just a sex toy

[stilltrying16]

Oh honey. You are very special. You are special to your little boy, and you are/will be special to so many others down the line! Why do you have to feel special to this man? Do you seriously think anyone is ever going to be special to him? I'm sure he thinks of himself as very very special- I doubt he's capable of seeing anyone else that way!

 

And what is so special about him for heaven's sake?

 

You're *not* a sex toy. From his perspective I would think every woman is a potential sex toy. But why should you care about what this user thinks of you? He can't define you! He doesn't give a rat's ass about others. He doesn't get to set your worth. You do.

 

He has already hurt you so much and he is going to keep on hurting you if you don't break out from under his spell. Don't give him any more power, please. It *is* your power to give.

 

You have something already to build on. You are not seeing him through rose colored glasses. You can build on this feeling and eventually detach.

 

Do you think it's a good goal- to stop giving him any more power? Can you come up with a specific practical plan that'll help you with that goal. There is great advice out there and it does work. You'll see it all over this forum. But you have to be willing to begin. So are you?

[LostLonelyGirl]

Oh honey. You are very special. You are special to your little boy, and you are/will be special to so many others down the line! Why do you have to feel special to this man? Do you seriously think anyone is ever going to be special to him? I'm sure he thinks of himself as very very special- I doubt he's capable of seeing anyone else that way!

 

And what is so special about him for heaven's sake?

 

You're *not* a sex toy. From his perspective I would think every woman is a potential sex toy. But why should you care about what this user thinks of you? He can't define you! He doesn't give a rat's ass about others. He doesn't get to set your worth. You do.

 

He has already hurt you so much and he is going to keep on hurting you if you don't break out from under his spell. Don't give him any more power, please. It *is* your power to give.

 

You have something already to build on. You are not seeing him through rose colored glasses. You can build on this feeling and eventually detach.

 

Do you think it's a good goal- to stop giving him any more power? Can you come up with a specific practical plan that'll help you with that goal. There is great advice out there and it does work. You'll see it all over this forum. But you have to be willing to begin. So are you?

 

I want to be. .. I realized before he ended things that I was miserable. That I could never be with him because I would never trust him. I had a hard time trusting him the whole time because he lied so easily to her. It's just hard to let go of the words he said to me for the last six years that he's wanted a chance with me. I am not cocky.... I think there are so many more beautiful women than me. ... but I will go ahead and say it: I am out of his league. So is his wife for that matter. I feel awful for her. She's a really good girl. He bragged about her not being jealous at All. But she really should be. He probably loves that he can get away with things so easily. I hated knowing what I was doing behind her back. But my selfish need for his attention kept me going. I hope someday he gets caught and she has the strength to leave him because she never did anything to deserve to be treated that way. I won't tell her because that's just wrong in my eyes, but I'm sure I won't be the last. I kinda wonder if he had found someone new and that's why he ditched me. Gotta keep it exciting... I don't know how to ever trust anyone again. I hope like hell I can get over him soon. He doesn't deserve my pain over him. Someone who truly loved me would try to make me feel confident in their love, not make me feel bad for voicing my insecurities

[stilltrying16]

I'm not surprised to hear that both you and his wife are out of his league. And he still keeps lying and manipulating you both. How do these men get so arrogant!

 

You do have a clear sense of how damaging he will be to you & it's great you are not ignoring the way he treats his wife. He seems to have a lot of practice playing people. Please don't get entangled with him any further. Do the 180& ice him out. Stay strong with no contact whatsoever. That's how your healing will begin.

 

Have you been reading around the forum? Did other threads give you any ideas about what to do next? You've got a lot of good advice on this thread. Please read it carefully - it will help.

 

About telling his wife: I just want to give you a different perspective. If it'll be too upsetting for you to tell her now, then don't do it; you have plenty of stress already. But please, later if you feel strong, consider it again. He's running around like this, a serial cheater, and among other concerns it's a question what he could pick up and pass on to her!

 

As a former betrayed girlfriend, I was so glad when I was told. It was a mutual friend (we were all in the same circle of friends: XBF, OW, and me) who told me, knowing very well how upset I would be but willing to do it because she knew it was right and she cared about me. And only then did I finally understood why our so-called other friends had been acting strange around me. And I also then got why my XBF was so pissy with me for months on end...while the affair was at its height! During that time I kept worrying about why he was so cold, and I was trying to fix everything I could when all the time it was him! Thank god for my friend.

 

It will get better. Keep reminding yourself who he is and what he is capable of. The one favor he has done to you is to end it. Stay strong!

[LostLonelyGirl]

I wish I'd never given in. ...I'm in so much more pain now than before. And I feel so worthless. I just hate him so much right now. I was only interested in the sexual nature of it and he PUSHED me to love him, to want more. It's so messed up! I could've been fine with a fling! What the heck is it with men being able to just dump you like you're garbage??? And yes I've read other threads on here. Wish I could've foreseen the pain heading my way. I'm overly tired and I think it's making me overly emotional.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey. I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this. I hate that he has the power to make a perfectly lovely lady like you feel like this. It's so wrong!

 

Can I ask you why you say this....

 

"I hope someday he gets caught and she has the strength to leave him because she never did anything to deserve to be treated that way. I won't tell her because that's just wrong in my eyes, but I'm sure I won't be the last."

 

...Why do you think that it's so wrong to tell her when you know that her knowing so right?

 

I'm not judging, I'm just interested in your reasoning.

[LostLonelyGirl]

Hey. I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this. I hate that he has the power to make a perfectly lovely lady like you feel like this. It's so wrong!

 

Can I ask you why you say this....

 

"I hope someday he gets caught and she has the strength to leave him because she never did anything to deserve to be treated that way. I won't tell her because that's just wrong in my eyes, but I'm sure I won't be the last."

 

...Why do you think that it's so wrong to tell her when you know that her knowing so right?

 

I'm not judging, I'm just interested in your reasoning.

 

 

Because I'm the one who made him cheat.... it's like telling someone to kill someone and then going to the police and telling them.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I'm hurting so insanely bad today. I want to contact him so bad. Ask him why he is perfectly fine with hurting me and doesn't even care if I'm okay. I keep fighting with my husband and some of it he doesn't even deserve, it's just backlash from how I'm feeling inside. I can't stop crying and thinking I ruined my happiness. I miss him so much and it's killing me daily. I don't know how someone can just go from saying they want you forever to saying they just wanna be friends. Telling you you're their best friend but know you're hurting and don't seem to care. I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't want to care about him. I gave him so much of myself and he just left me like it was no big deal. Then I have my husband who sticks by me through anything and I have absolutely no feelings for him. I wish I could just feel towards my husband the way I feel towards my xMM. I feel like I would give anything to know he still thinks about me and misses what we had. I don't want to hurt like this anymore

[Ophelia25]

I'm hurting so insanely bad today. I want to contact him so bad. Ask him why he is perfectly fine with hurting me and doesn't even care if I'm okay. I keep fighting with my husband and some of it he doesn't even deserve, it's just backlash from how I'm feeling inside. I can't stop crying and thinking I ruined my happiness. I miss him so much and it's killing me daily. I don't know how someone can just go from saying they want you forever to saying they just wanna be friends. Telling you you're their best friend but know you're hurting and don't seem to care. I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't want to care about him. I gave him so much of myself and he just left me like it was no big deal. Then I have my husband who sticks by me through anything and I have absolutely no feelings for him. I wish I could just feel towards my husband the way I feel towards my xMM. I feel like I would give anything to know he still thinks about me and misses what we had. I don't want to hurt like this anymore

 

Don't. It won't go well. Even if he gives you a wonderful explanation, which is unlikely, it won't help anything. I contacted mine yesterday. Just sent a "wave," felt like an idiot. He responded with a "sorry, crazy day" and a few other texts about all the things he had to do. He did ask how I was, but I didn't respond. He doesn't really want to know, or he'd have thought about it on his own. I've found that anytime I initiate contact I somehow ending up feeling like an ass, because he's busy or grouchy or whatever. I'm stopping that.

[LostLonelyGirl]

He doesn't really want to know, or he'd have thought about it on his own.

 

That's one thing that always stops me. I think, if he wanted to hear from me, he would reach out. Obviously he doesn't. .

[stilltrying16]

Hope you're doing ok, LLG! And that you are feeling rested. What does the day ahead look like for you? Sending you hugs.

[jenkins95]

Just want to send you some hugs ((((LLG))))

 

It hurts so badly now, but it will get better. With time your neural pathways and hormonal balance will reset themselves and the spell he has over you will be gone - it may take months or even a year or more - but it will happen eventually.

 

I am a MM myself. I am not defending him (or me) one little bit, but I will tell you that he is likely suffering more than you think. MM may give the impression that they just walk away and move on immediately, but they don't - I don't anyway. We can run (and we often do) when the going gets tough and we don't know what to do, but we can't hide from what's in our head. Months after my affair ended I am plagued with thoughts about what I have done to my wife, my xOW and myself. I feel like a shadow of the person that I was and I often break down in tears. I still care very much for my OW and I want her to be happy - I will never, ever forget her. I don't dare reach out to her, it would be so unfair to everyone and it hurts me to think that her opinion of me may be similar to yours of your MM. I only hope that everyone recovers in time - and we will.

 

I don't excuse his behaviour and maybe he is a POS. Maybe I am too. But I would be amazed if he has just moved on, forgotten you and sleeps through the night with a clear head - he would need to be a psychopath to pull that off. Men aren't as emotionally mature as women and we sometimes just implode and run off when our world is falling down around us. That doesn't mean we don't feel pain or just move on quickly. I do feel better generally that I did three months ago, but I still have bad days and am going through a few right now.

 

LLG, I'm not sure if this makes you feel any better, just trying to give you some insight from the mind of an MM. We are here for you. Keep posting to us. You can get through this - thousands of people here have.

 

I'm thinking of you. J

Edited April 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[Ophelia25]

Just want to send you some hugs ((((LLG))))

 

It hurts so badly now, but it will get better. With time your neural pathways and hormonal balance will reset themselves and the spell he has over you will be gone - it may take months or even a year or more - but it will happen eventually.

 

I am a MM myself. I am not defending him (or me) one little bit, but I will tell you that he is likely suffering more than you think. MM may give the impression that they just walk away and move on immediately, but they don't - I don't anyway. We can run (and we often do) when the going gets tough and we don't know what to do, but we can't hide from what's in our head. Months after my affair ended I am plagued with thoughts about what I have done to my wife, my xOW and myself. I feel like a shadow of the person that I was and I often break down in tears. I still care very much for my OW and I want her to be happy - I will never, ever forget her. I don't dare reach out to her, it would be so unfair to everyone and it hurts me to think that her opinion of me may be similar to yours of your MM. I only hope that everyone recovers in time - and we will.

 

I don't excuse his behaviour and maybe he is a POS. Maybe I am too. But I would be amazed if he has just moved on, forgotten you and sleeps through the night with a clear head - he would need to be a psychopath to pull that off. Men aren't as emotionally mature as women and we sometimes just implode and run off when our world is falling down around us. That doesn't mean we don't feel pain or just move on quickly. I do feel better generally that I did three months ago, but I still have bad days and am going through a few right now.

 

LLG, I'm not sure if this makes you feel any better, just trying to give you some insight from the mind of an MM. We are here for you. Keep posting to us. You can get through this - thousands of people here have.

 

I'm thinking of you. J

 

This makes ME feel better. While I have found much empathy and encouragement on this site, there is also so much bitterness, and for good reason, generally. But, I think my MM has tried to be a decent person and he really does love me, despite all the ****ty things he has done and keeps doing. And I see him struggling so hard with how he feels about me knowing that I'm not the right person to have those feelings for. He is still a dick, totally, for a million reasons.

 

But I don't think that he just tosses me aside and goes happily to bed, free from any worries or regrets about his actions and what he has done to me and to his family. He isn't guilty enough to stop doing it yet, but I think he cares about me and just finds it easier to run most of the time rather than deal with the mess we've made. I want to hit it head on and try to work through it. He wants to ignore it and hope it will work itself out. I guess if you do that long enough, it will. I'm just excessively slow at getting the picture.

[LostLonelyGirl]

Just want to send you some hugs ((((LLG))))

 

It hurts so badly now, but it will get better. With time your neural pathways and hormonal balance will reset themselves and the spell he has over you will be gone - it may take months or even a year or more - but it will happen eventually.

 

I am a MM myself. I am not defending him (or me) one little bit, but I will tell you that he is likely suffering more than you think. MM may give the impression that they just walk away and move on immediately, but they don't - I don't anyway. We can run (and we often do) when the going gets tough and we don't know what to do, but we can't hide from what's in our head. Months after my affair ended I am plagued with thoughts about what I have done to my wife, my xOW and myself. I feel like a shadow of the person that I was and I often break down in tears. I still care very much for my OW and I want her to be happy - I will never, ever forget her. I don't dare reach out to her, it would be so unfair to everyone and it hurts me to think that her opinion of me may be similar to yours of your MM. I only hope that everyone recovers in time - and we will.

 

I don't excuse his behaviour and maybe he is a POS. Maybe I am too. But I would be amazed if he has just moved on, forgotten you and sleeps through the night with a clear head - he would need to be a psychopath to pull that off. Men aren't as emotionally mature as women and we sometimes just implode and run off when our world is falling down around us. That doesn't mean we don't feel pain or just move on quickly. I do feel better generally that I did three months ago, but I still have bad days and am going through a few right now.

 

LLG, I'm not sure if this makes you feel any better, just trying to give you some insight from the mind of an MM. We are here for you. Keep posting to us. You can get through this - thousands of people here have.

 

I'm thinking of you. J

 

I appreciate your viewpoint. I like to think that he misses me, that he thinks about the good moments we had. .. I tried so hard to not question him about his feelings, but things just didn't feel the same anymore. From lots of things he's said, I think he's very selfish. He had a girl at one point giving him sexual favors but then brought her along to come visit me and she knew he liked me. Then he married her good friend... he said when he ended things that he loved me but he loved his wife and wanted to start a family with her. .. id believed it if he didn't use that as the reason in the middle of us arguing. Anytime I ever said anything about something that bothered me the answer was either a)you're pushing me away b) I don't do well with jealousy or c) stop trying to force things, just let things play out the way they're gonna. And it wasn't like I was trying to make him choose me. In fact I told him I wouldn't ever ask him to do that(which I probably would've EVENTUALLY). I am pretty sure I was just there for his sexual needs. He told me lots of wonderful things in the beginning but if they were true, I never would've doubted his feelings. Everything about the way he talked to me changed. His tone, his responses, his nicknames for me. ... I would love to believe he actually cared, but he said I was supposedly his best friend yet I've heard nothing for almost a week. I gave him anything he wanted sexually but having an actual relationship was apparently too much of an inconvenience for him. He went from texting me all day every day to "I'm not a person who likes to say much". Oh okay, np....I'll just sit here until u decide to talk to me then. ... I feel like every other naive woman who thought she was different

[LostLonelyGirl]

He always said things that I think would make any woman jealous and then if I was bothered by it he got irritated with me. .. like the girl he was being innapropriate with(his wife's friend). She was staying at their house and he was like, "she just came and got in bed with me, wtf??" Or he told me he was out getting a drink alone with her. Or the time he made some comment about how he'd seen her boobs before. ... it's like he enjoyed rubbing it in my face but I wasn't allowed to be bothered by it. .. and SUPPOSEDLY he couldnt stand her anymore. .. so you go get a drink with her? ? Or the late night chat with the "flirty friend". He always talked about how he only wanted me but then said **** like that...I feel like he was screwing with my head

[LostLonelyGirl]

Hope you're doing ok, LLG! And that you are feeling rested. What does the day ahead look like for you? Sending you hugs.

 

Thank you for caring. I stayed up too late and had a busy day at work. .. I could use a nap lol

[stilltrying16]

Sounds like you've earned it! I wish I could say the same.

 

Take care, honey.

[ChickiePops]

Because I'm the one who made him cheat.... it's like telling someone to kill someone and then going to the police and telling them.

 

You can't make someone cheat...

[LostLonelyGirl]

Uuuugh, why do I care! !!! Why am I so mad that he's got no problem that I haven't contacted him in a week? ?? I am majorly struggling to not contact him today and it's stressing me out....