It hurts, but it's okay

[Grapesofwrath]

Yesterday and today, the painful feelings started to creep in. I found myself feeling frequently lonely and despairing of ever having a real partner in my life.

 

It occurred to me that it is precisely this feeling that kept me going in the A. The A was something to soften the pain of being on my own. Divorced. Raising two kids in a big city, without family nearby, struggling to find a man of my own. It provided some small modicum of affection, intimacy, and connection. (In the beginning, it gave me more than a small modicum. It gave me 2-3 nights a week of closeness, relationship, and companionship. I hated the weekends of silence, but during the week it felt almost real.) It gave me someone who checked on me. Someone to tell me I am beautiful. Someone to tell me I am loved. Someone to talk to about my workday, family, struggles. Now, I have none of that.

 

Ending the A means that now I am facing those things without the buffer. Of course, the irony of the A is that it was precisely the thing that prevented me from finding a partner for myself, but it took me a while to accept that.

 

I am 49 years old. A successful professional, self-supporting, raising two fantastic children. I have many friends, interests, and sources of joy. I am still beautiful and am in excellent health. Maybe I will never have a partner for myself. Maybe I will never be in love again. I have to get comfortable with that possibility. It's okay. Because, for me, nothing is better than being in an A. Literally. Having nothing is better.

[jen1447]

Affairs are relationships too, even tho most ppl on the outside looking in don't want to allow for that and accept that the ppl in them have human emotions like loss and sadness when they 'fail' or end. So bscly you've ended a - rather long - relationship and you're suffering the fallout that everyone in failed relationships suffers, just without the social acceptance. Separation anxiety really sucks, but it'll get better and most likely your attitude will adjust to be less fatalistic.

 

In other words it's normal to hurt, even for this.

[BuddyX]

You're last paragraph is on point. You don't need a man to complete you. You have you, your kids, and your job (in that order).

 

The right Guys will line themselves up if: you take care of yourself.

[Poppy47]

Hi Grapes.

 

That is how my A began. I had been in a long marriage and my husband passed away after a 7 year illness.

 

I had lost contact with the real world because I was caring for my husband.

 

I was a life crisis and there was no support anywhere for me.

 

Your situation sounds familiar to me. The A was a comfort when there was none to be found anywhere else. I had no other family at all.

 

A man is not a necessity to me. My freedom is precious.. Maybe you will come to view being alone as a treasure one day. " Having a one's own man" is not the key to peace and fulfillment.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

[jenkins95]

Massive hug ((((((((Grapes))))))))

 

It's clear you have suffered a lot of pain and frustration your life and I really hope you get some breaks soon - you deserve it! Your sentiments in your final paragraph are spot on - anything is better than an affair. Maybe you'll meet someone special, maybe you won't, but no more affairs - you are worth more than someone else's crumbs. Huge credit to you for that!

 

At 49, you're still young by modern standards! In your posts you come across as a lovely, beautiful caring person with so much to give. There is absolutely no reason at all why you shouldn't meet someone special and enjoy half a century together! No reason at all! And if you don't, you can still find happiness in other ways.

 

One conclusion that we are all finding is that it is a very rare thing for true, honest, lasting happiness to come out of an affair. Even when it does happen, it almost never comes without the cost of causing great pain to others.

 

Keep posting Grapes, we are here for you just as you are here for us!

 

J

Edited April 20, 2016 by jenkins95

[privategal]

I know this doesn't help much when you really want love and marriage, but many people who are married want to be single or are not happy.

I want to send a hug and tell you not to give up. You've come so far!!

[lilacwine]

Yesterday and today, the painful feelings started to creep in. I found myself feeling frequently lonely and despairing of ever having a real partner in my life.

 

It occurred to me that it is precisely this feeling that kept me going in the A. The A was something to soften the pain of being on my own. Divorced. Raising two kids in a big city, without family nearby, struggling to find a man of my own. It provided some small modicum of affection, intimacy, and connection. (In the beginning, it gave me more than a small modicum. It gave me 2-3 nights a week of closeness, relationship, and companionship. I hated the weekends of silence, but during the week it felt almost real.) It gave me someone who checked on me. Someone to tell me I am beautiful. Someone to tell me I am loved. Someone to talk to about my workday, family, struggles. Now, I have none of that.

 

Ending the A means that now I am facing those things without the buffer. Of course, the irony of the A is that it was precisely the thing that prevented me from finding a partner for myself, but it took me a while to accept that.

 

I am 49 years old. A successful professional, self-supporting, raising two fantastic children. I have many friends, interests, and sources of joy. I am still beautiful and am in excellent health. Maybe I will never have a partner for myself. Maybe I will never be in love again. I have to get comfortable with that possibility. It's okay. Because, for me, nothing is better than being in an A. Literally. Having nothing is better.

 

Thank you for sharing this. HAVING NOTHING IS BETTER. So true. I need to hear this. I need to tell myself that one sentence everytime I feel down or stricken by loneliness or the prospect of being single for life. Loneliness is far better than having half or one third of a relationship with a lying, cheating, self-centered man.

[Ms. Faust]

This post is very lovely. Women especially need to find strength and resolve in not needing companionship. Ironically enough, in my own situation I had gotten to a very happy, almost healthy, SINGLE time in my life when I found my husband.

 

It made me realize how I really can survive and thrive without a man.

[ladydesigner]

" Having a one's own man" is not the key to peace and fulfillment.

 

Beautifully said! I loooove this!

[MrsBilliethekid]

Hugs Grapes, it will get better xxxxxxxxxx

[LovingDelilah]

It will be better as time passes You were brave to get out of this situation. Hugs to you.

[privategal]

Every girl here reads your story and wants to BE you!

You are amazing.

You are enough. Xo

[Grapesofwrath]

Every girl here reads your story and wants to BE you!

You are amazing.

You are enough. Xo

 

Thank you, Privategal, and everyone else for your supportive responses.

 

I definitely agree that a woman does not *need* a man to be fulfilled. I don't need one, but I'd like to have one! Not to complete me, because I am complete already. But to add to my life.

 

I was married. I liked being married, but my ex-husband was not the right partner for me. My marriage was a cold, joyless, empty place. I supported the family, in all ways including financial, while my ex-husband pursued his personal dreams at our expense. He was largely absent and spent little time with our children. At first I supported him wholeheartedly in going after his goals and wanted to see him happy. But after 6 years of watching us lose all our security and our home, I drew the line and he didn't like that.

We lost our home and he drove us into bankruptcy. He's a good father now, though, and I'm very grateful for that.

 

I very much enjoy being able to now live my life on my own terms. I make and control my own money. I run my own household based on my priorities, values, and choices. I do not have to apologize for having opinions or for being *me*. (One thing I always liked about xMM was that he loved my big personality and would encourage me to show it.) I do not rely on anyone for anything, and that is a liberating feeling. It can also be a lonely feeling, though, and that is the part I hope to address.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Even though I have never been married and have no kids (or maybe because of it) I feel this same way:

 

I found myself feeling frequently lonely and despairing of ever having a real partner in my life.

 

It occurred to me that it is precisely this feeling that kept me going in the A. The A was something to soften the pain of being on my own. It provided some small modicum of affection, intimacy, and connection. (In the beginning, it gave me more than a small modicum. It gave me 2-3 nights a week of closeness, relationship, and companionship. I hated the weekends of silence, but during the week it felt almost real.) It gave me someone who checked on me. Someone to tell me I am beautiful. Someone to tell me I am loved. Someone to talk to about my workday, family, struggles. Now, I have none of that.

 

It had been so long since I had that with someone before my AP that it was like I was starving for it. Like I was starving and didn't know how hungry I was until this food was sitting in front of me and he was telling me to eat eat eat and bringing me more. That's been the hardest for me- losing that and thinking that I'll never find it again. I'm 39 (40 in 3 weeks) and it's pretty bleak about finding someone imo. That's one of the reasons I know I was happy with the crumbs I was given.

 

Just the other night I was having a good old cry with a friend and I said that I was no one's priority in the whole world. That hurts, to realize that. And then I realized that *I* needed to be my own priority. I put everyone first and now it's time that I cut that out and treat myself the way I treat others. Not sure what that looks like yet but it sure as heck doesn't look like pining over a lying, conflict avoiding, using serial cheater.

 

 

So well said:

 

Maybe I will never have a partner for myself. Maybe I will never be in love again. I have to get comfortable with that possibility. It's okay. Because, for me, nothing is better than being in an A. Literally. Having nothing is better.

 

Thank you for posting this. It helps so much to know there are other people who feel the same way as you.

[Chuff]

But what you DO have now is hope. Hope that you can be in a healthy, loving relationship one day and have a true partner.

 

(((hugs!!)))

[Bufo]

Grapes. I probably don't need to point out the obvious, but in comparison to the too many cases here of suicidal thoughts, bunny boiling, and deep depression you are in a relatively good place. Your self worth does not depend on the approval of others. And you know that to be true. You are a good example of one who has moved on from an A. It seems that your AP is in your emotional rear view mirror now. Keep him there. You have much to offer other posters.

 

I know the feeling you have. It will diminish over time. BTDT.

[Grapesofwrath]

Doing great, over here, and feeling so so so happy to have this A in the past. I get angry still, but I notice less and less. Thought I'd be transparent with all of you, though, as to my transgression.

 

xMM has been trying to contact me consistently, through work means, by sending cheap little emails. I am returning the work phone/laptop next week, and they are severing my work accounts, which is great.

 

On Monday morning I received another email from him, this one saying, "Just wanted to say hi. Hope you are well." I ignored the 3 previous "just wanted to say hi" messages but this time I was just so pissed off and tired of his bull$hit attempts to stay "friends" that I responded. (Let me have it, Privategal!!) Here is what I wrote:

 

"I notice that these emails arrive during the times that you are away from home and it's safe for you. I am still some dirty little secret and that is no longer acceptable to me. I'm worth a lot more than that."

 

Of course, no response and I don't expect to hear from him again. He is conflict-avoidant to the nth degree and a slap on the wrist like this will send him running for the hills. Hooray!

 

We talk a lot about no contact, and I think that is the absolute right choice for many, or even most, of us OW. For me, I think it was becoming more damaging to hold anger inside so I let off this little bit of steam. Felt good to do it and to send a clear message. I have absolutely no desire to see him again or interact with him. Moving on.

[wmacbride]

I don't know where, but I once read that to have a truly happy relationship, one has to be in a place where they don't need to be in a rleationship to be happy.

 

What I take from that is a person should be in a relationship because they wat to be, not because they need to be in order to feel complete or fulfilled.

 

I was in a long term relationship before I met my H. It was pretty bad, but for some reason, I clung to it. One day, it ended , and I was heartbroken. I never thought I'd feel better and then one day, I went to do something I hadn't been able to do while I was in the relationship with him. It was something small and insignificant, but it made me realize how nice it was to be myself again and to not have to worry about what he would think or how he would feel.

[Grapesofwrath]

I could have ignored this email, like all the others. It took me over a day to get to a point of responding. I felt like this time I needed to slam the door harder. I was at the gym, working out, when I just felt like I wanted to make it clear that these emails were unwelcome, instead of just ignoring them until he figured it out.

 

I'm sure some of you will disagree. Let's hear it!

[wmacbride]

I could have ignored this email, like all the others. It took me over a day to get to a point of responding. I felt like this time I needed to slam the door harder. I was at the gym, working out, when I just felt like I wanted to make it clear that these emails were unwelcome, instead of just ignoring them until he figured it out.

 

I'm sure some of you will disagree. Let's hear it!

 

If it worked, it worked.

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't know where, but I once read that to have a truly happy relationship, one has to be in a place where they don't need to be in a rleationship to be happy.

 

What I take from that is a person should be in a relationship because they wat to be, not because they need to be in order to feel complete or fulfilled.

 

I was in a long term relationship before I met my H. It was pretty bad, but for some reason, I clung to it. One day, it ended , and I was heartbroken. I never thought I'd feel better and then one day, I went to do something I hadn't been able to do while I was in the relationship with him. It was something small and insignificant, but it made me realize how nice it was to be myself again and to not have to worry about what he would think or how he would feel.

 

MacBride: I've read this too, and heard it many times. In my gut, I always knew it was true. Yet I was never able to manifest it in my life in the past. I feel, in my core, that I have turned a corner this time. I'm feeling strong, powerful, and complete in myself. (I turn 50 this year...maybe this is why?) I think any man that I involve myself with in the future will be getting my best, and I will expect his best in return. If it's not that way, then I don't need it in my life. Too many other wonderful things going on.

[wmacbride]

MacBride: I've read this too, and heard it many times. In my gut, I always knew it was true. Yet I was never able to manifest it in my life in the past. I feel, in my core, that I have turned a corner this time. I'm feeling strong, powerful, and complete in myself. (I turn 50 this year...maybe this is why?) I think any man that I involve myself with in the future will be getting my best, and I will expect his best in return. If it's not that way, then I don't need it in my life. Too many other wonderful things going on.

 

That's an awesome way to look at it. It sounds like you have put in a lot of hard work to get to where you are, and any man who deserves to be with you should be in a similar place in his own life.

 

You don't need a "man boy" dragging you down.

[Sassy Girl]

I dunno grapes. I would have gone harder if I'd bother responding. Kinda sounds like it's not him, it's the situation, if you now what I mean. You're still feeding the ego, letting him know if he just met x y and z conditions then you'd be up for it. Encourages him. Because he already got you to drop your standard before, even though you were SO adamant it was going to stop.

 

Knowing what I know about married men, he's probably read your response and thought "yeah, so? She knew I was married... It was ok for 17 months... She'll come around"

 

And knowing what I know about affairs - you'll start to feel crap when he doesn't respond. And there's no response which will make you feel better.

 

Ahh well... Back on the horse

[Grapesofwrath]

I dunno grapes. I would have gone harder if I'd bother responding. Kinda sounds like it's not him, it's the situation, if you now what I mean. You're still feeding the ego, letting him know if he just met x y and z conditions then you'd be up for it. Encourages him. Because he already got you to drop your standard before, even though you were SO adamant it was going to stop.

 

Knowing what I know about married men, he's probably read your response and thought "yeah, so? She knew I was married... It was ok for 17 months... She'll come around"

 

And knowing what I know about affairs - you'll start to feel crap when he doesn't respond. And there's no response which will make you feel better.

 

Ahh well... Back on the horse

 

Sassy: You are right. I did allow him to reel me in after I said I would stop. Wish it wasn't true, but it is and I have to own that along with every other degrading thing that I allowed as part of this A.

 

What he thinks is not my concern.

 

I feel pretty good about not hearing from him, in part because you're right: There is nothing he can say that will change what I am doing. Nothing he can say or do will fix it. It was the little "just wanted to say hi" stuff that annoyed me. I felt it was disrespectful of my boundary. I return my work devices tomorrow (phone and laptop) which will eliminate his last avenue of contact.

 

No horse for me. Now I'm looking for my unicorn!

[Ms. Faust]

I could have ignored this email, like all the others. It took me over a day to get to a point of responding. I felt like this time I needed to slam the door harder. I was at the gym, working out, when I just felt like I wanted to make it clear that these emails were unwelcome, instead of just ignoring them until he figured it out.

 

I'm sure some of you will disagree. Let's hear it!

 

I actually disagree with NC across the board at all times. If you have something to say that you absolutely need to get off your chest or to feel vindicated, then do it! People say the problem with that is it gives the person power, it opens a can of worms, it lets them know they still take space in your head, blahblah.

 

Show your empowered, show the same bull****** will no longer work. I think you have the resolve to stick to your guns, Grapes, so you know what is best.

 

Once the work contacts are severed, does he have any other way to reach you?