It hurts, but it's okay

[Grapesofwrath]

If this comes to pass, a lot of guys will be missing out.

 

Thanks, Charger. And Bufo. And all the rest of my cyber-community for all the support.

 

The potential suitor has turned into a real suitor!! We went out last night and had so much fun!! We have plans to see each other again tomorrow. I had forgotten how great it feels to be out with a man who is fully available and focused on pursuing me.

 

I can't tell you how great it feels to be free from this self-imposed prison of the A.

[stilltrying16]

You go girl!

[Bufo]

Ever see West Side Story? Remember the Jets song "Play it Cool"?

 

You obviously weren't overselling your attributes in your earlier post, but you need to know Mr. Suitor better than you do before you go all in. Was he previously married? What happened? Is he free of the "any relationship is better than none" mentality? Is he solvent? A little public information snooping now might prevent some heartbreak/self flagellation later.

 

Not trying to be a downer for you. You are fully entitled to have some fun.

The most important question is: is he married at this time?

 

I am a man. Smooth talking men know best how to tell those pretty little lies that sound so good. I'm not a smooth talker, but I do know how to give straight talk. Thus this post.

 

I hope that this turns out well for you. You deserve it. And it's one hell of an inspiration to the heartbroken OW who post here!

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, Bufol. I am familiar with that number. I will definitely be taking it nice and slow this time. I am definitely just in the early stages of getting to know him and nobody is going all in on anything for a while.

 

I met him through some mutual friends (he works with them) and I trust them and their opinions. No need to snoop as they were able to fill in some things based on what they know. He is definitely not married, nor has he ever been married. He was engaged once and said he "just couldn't go through with it." (He's 42 years old). Don't know anymore than that at this time, which is fine, and I can find out more at the appropriate time, i.e. later.

 

Yes, he is solvent. He has a very good career and also owns some real estate here in the city from which he derives income. He was born in New Zealand and came to this country in his early 20s. So he possesses that drive and ambition that is commonly seen in immigrants to this country.

 

That's all I know for now, which is fine. We are just going to have fun and enjoy each other's company for a while.

[Bufo]

Memo to self.

 

No need to preach to this choir. She is WAY ahead of you!

 

Sounds like a good prospect.

[Grapesofwrath]

For those interested in an update, I posted a thread in the Dating forum. Put it there, as it is not an OM/OW situation. (Praise the Lord)

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/581722-hmmmm

Edited June 1, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[lilacwine]

For those interested in an update, I posted a thread in the Dating forum. Put it there, as it is not an OM/OW situation. (Praise the Lord)

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/581722-hmmmm

 

So happy to hear that you're dating now Grapes.

 

I just read the thread above. But to be honest, I feel sth is up with this guy. He's not as "finished" with Kathy as he sounds. I feel he's dating both of you at the same time and once he has strong enough of an opinion of you both, he will decide then. he can do what he wants but he shouldn't "lie" to you about not liking Kathy enough. Well, just my gut feeling. Could be wrong. But in any case, you shouldn't disregard your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right, it's better to walk away before getting in deeper and risk hurting your feelings. this guy sounds shady to me. My two cents.

 

"Today he let me know that Kathy invited him to get together this afternoon so they will be spending some time together today". This is completely inconsistent with "I don't feel the same way, so I didn't pursue it and just let it end naturally, which it has".

[Grapesofwrath]

So happy to hear that you're dating now Grapes.

 

I just read the thread above. But to be honest, I feel sth is up with this guy. He's not as "finished" with Kathy as he sounds. I feel he's dating both of you at the same time and once he has strong enough of an opinion of you both, he will decide then. he can do what he wants but he shouldn't "lie" to you about not liking Kathy enough. Well, just my gut feeling. Could be wrong. But in any case, you shouldn't disregard your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right, it's better to walk away before getting in deeper and risk hurting your feelings. this guy sounds shady to me. My two cents.

 

"Today he let me know that Kathy invited him to get together this afternoon so they will be spending some time together today". This is completely inconsistent with "I don't feel the same way, so I didn't pursue it and just let it end naturally, which it has".

 

Thanks, lilac. I agree that I've got to trust my gut. I had this feeling yesterday that more has gone on with the two of them than I have been told. Like maybe they slept together a time or two. They hang out a lot, and she assured me that it's just friends, as did he. Maybe that is the case now, but I have this sense that there is a missing piece.

 

If we've learned one thing in this world, it is to trust the gut, right? Looking for the opinions of like-minded people, as I know it's possible that I could be unduly cynical after the A experience. Thanks for the reality check.

[Bufo]

George Clooney clone? If not then he is probably finding himself in uncharted waters. Two women interested in him at once. Unfortunately, real life is not pop songs so nobody will take him aside and tell him better go home son and make up your mind (probably too old of a tune for you to know it).

 

If you enjoy his company and the things you do together, just keep doing it. Don't be too goal oriented. If you ask too much about a relationship with Kathy he'll hear it that you are looking for a commitment. Even though that wasn't your intent.

 

Play it cool and don't break up your group.

 

Re Kathy: I'm going back 30+'years but nothing made a girl more attentive to me than learning some other girl was interested in me. Miss Indifferent changed into Miss Attentive without any effort on my part. That's my guess in your situation.

[lemondrop21]

Grapes I'm so glad you are dating! Even if this one doesn't work out, if he decides to pursue Kathy or whatever... it's fine. Every dating experience takes you one step further away from xMM and on towards your bright future.

 

I'm thinking back to how you were when you were posting last fall, when xMM was blathering on about how he was going to leave, and then backtracked. You have COME so far. I'm so proud of you!

[Grapesofwrath]

George Clooney clone? If not then he is probably finding himself in uncharted waters. Two women interested in him at once. Unfortunately, real life is not pop songs so nobody will take him aside and tell him better go home son and make up your mind (probably too old of a tune for you to know it).

 

If you enjoy his company and the things you do together, just keep doing it. Don't be too goal oriented. If you ask too much about a relationship with Kathy he'll hear it that you are looking for a commitment. Even though that wasn't your intent.

 

Play it cool and don't break up your group.

 

Re Kathy: I'm going back 30+'years but nothing made a girl more attentive to me than learning some other girl was interested in me. Miss Indifferent changed into Miss Attentive without any effort on my part. That's my guess in your situation.

 

Thanks, Bufo. For clarification: I would be totally fine with it if he was interested in Kathy. She is a wonderful person, great friend, and deserving of happiness. I don't feel in competition with her. It breaks down like this:

 

1) Grapes checks with Kathy to be sure it's all clear to date Mike.

2) Grapes gets the greenlight. Multiple times.

3) Mike tells Grapes that Kathy was sending "signals" that she was interested a few months ago, but he didn't feel similarly so he ignored it and it went away. He asks her to promise not to tell anyone else in the group.

4) Grapes dates Mike. This goes well.

5) Grapes & Mike hang out with Kathy and the gang. Mike quasi-ignores Grapes in this setting and is his usual chatty self with Kathy and everyone else.

6) Despite this, the gang can tell that something is up so they ask Grapes and Mike (separately) if they are seeing each other. Mike refuses to answer. Grapes is not into keeping secrets (she's had enough of being someone's secret) so she answers honestly.

 

I am definitely not feeling "goal-oriented" re: Mike. Just not into having to keep secrets or not live my truth, KWIM? If he is into Kathy and the feeling is mutual, I would dance at their wedding and raise a glass in toast. In private, he is affectionate and demonstrative. And in public, when the gang isn't around, he's the same. Behavior changes in front of this group, and that's the troubling part. I am just not into hiding parts of myself. Been there, done that.

Edited June 1, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[Grapesofwrath]

Grapes I'm so glad you are dating! Even if this one doesn't work out, if he decides to pursue Kathy or whatever... it's fine. Every dating experience takes you one step further away from xMM and on towards your bright future.

 

I'm thinking back to how you were when you were posting last fall, when xMM was blathering on about how he was going to leave, and then backtracked. You have COME so far. I'm so proud of you!

 

Hi Lemon: Thank you for the words of support. With all these threads, I think you may have confused my story with another, though. xMM never said anything about leaving. That was always crystal clear.

 

I have come a long way, though. And I will take that feeling of you being proud of me!! Proud of me, too!!

 

This regular dating thing is a treat. Simple and straightforward.

[lemondrop21]

Hi Lemon: Thank you for the words of support. With all these threads, I think you may have confused my story with another, though. xMM never said anything about leaving. That was always crystal clear.

 

I have come a long way, though. And I will take that feeling of you being proud of me!! Proud of me, too!!

 

This regular dating thing is a treat. Simple and straightforward.

 

Aaa, sorry Grapes, you must be right. I must be recalling another poster from around the time that you were posting frequently. I will go back and read your story at some stage to remind myself - but right now I'm running off to a sports activity with girlfriends and being busy living my single gal life Hugs to you!

[rainbowsandkittens]

I, too, am so glad you're out there and dating! I think Mike just sounds super awkward. In order not to show that he prefers you he goes to the other extreme and ignores you. It's what kids did in middle school, right? I would maybe talk to him the next time you go out and tell him how that made you feel and see how he reacts.

 

It doesn't seem to me that he has a thing with Kathy though the whole her asking him to do something and you seeing him later that day seems a bit weird.

[Bufo]

Grapes

 

Just trying to give a male point of view. I know from long ago personal experience and was trying to describe that to you. I know nothing about Kathy beyond what you posted so I meant no attack on her either.

 

But she heard from you that you were interested in seeing this guy she knew. I don't know if she is sending him signals or not. I just know what happened in my life 30+ years ago. Back when I was single and not committed to any one lady friend. Kathy may not be doing anything. But he is certainly paying some attention to her. Maybe that's the way it always was between them.

 

I am most definitely not suggesting that your life will be the basis of the next Leslie Gore hit following up Its My Party and Now it's Judy's Turn to Cry.

 

BTW have you ever heard of the Lovin' Spoonful? Big hit circa 1966 Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind. Quoted without attributes union in my first post here today. So what! A little plagerism never hurt anybody

[Grapesofwrath]

I, too, am so glad you're out there and dating! I think Mike just sounds super awkward. In order not to show that he prefers you he goes to the other extreme and ignores you. It's what kids did in middle school, right? I would maybe talk to him the next time you go out and tell him how that made you feel and see how he reacts.

 

It doesn't seem to me that he has a thing with Kathy though the whole her asking him to do something and you seeing him later that day seems a bit weird.

 

Thanks, Rainbows. This makes some sense, too. He did ask her, explicitly, if she would be okay with us dating, and she gave her full support. (he showed me the texts). So I don't think there is any cheating going on. Maybe just some over-compensating, as you mention. I'll bring it up at a comfortable moment and we can talk about it.

[Chuff]

Grapes!

 

We're the same age, both done with being the OW, and dating truly single guys.

 

Like you, I'm having reservations with mine and am listening to my gut.

 

But, on the flip side, it's kind of a relief to have reservations of this nature. Meaning, we can freely go to friends and/or family and solicit their advice without having to omit certain facts (like, oh by the way, he's married...) if we want or need to.

 

I can only speak for myself, but the dating angst I'm feeling right now with my single guy actually makes me happy because it means I'm not in an A anymore. lol

 

However, the danger now, at least with me, is staying with a potentially incompatible bf because it's so much better than being "in love" with a truly unavailable man. Does that make any sense? It's like the fact that I'm dating an available man trumps everything and I'll work harder to make it work, despite the fact that we come from 2 totally different places.

 

Anyway, I'm so freakin' happy for you!!! And...for me.

 

Cheers!

[Grapesofwrath]

Chuff!! Amen to that! I love having this "problem!" I hear what you're saying about maybe "working harder" to make it work with a single guy, but maybe this isn't a bad thing. Maybe....just maybe....we picked those unavailable men because we have some intimacy/availabilty issues ourselves. Like we are afraid of it and make choices to avoid it. One choice being that we elected to get involved with men who would never really be available for true intimacy, hence avoiding the problem altogether.

 

Just a theory.

 

I think we are seeing some of the hidden problems with being the OW, even after the A is over. It has a ripple effect on subsequent relationships: suspiciousness of otherwise normal behavior, looking for problems where none exist, hanging in too long because it's better than the A. And many others. But it's so much better, isn't it? For starters, there is the reason you mentioned: I can be open and honest about this situation. Can talk to all my friends about it, if I want. No secrets. No lies. Total and full integrity in whatever I decide to do. That feels so good.