Problems with the in laws

[cwashi04]

My brother in laws wife and I do not get along. Long story short, when I started dating my husband 9 years ago she gave off a very insecure vibe as though she wanted to me to feel uncomfortable to make herself feel better. She also told me irrelevant dirt about my husband that happened long before I even knew him. She almost treated me as though she was threatened, like I was trying to take her man and I was trying to take her spot in the family. She treated me this way for years and then all of a sudden started being nice to me when they had to stay with us for 2 weeks. She is a very inconsistent person, hot and cold. I am a very nice person, so I overlooked most of it but I never forget. I wanted to like her so bad, I tried to like her but I felt as if she saw me as being weak because I never said anything to her about it. One day I told her how I felt. She flipped the script and stopped talking to me and tried to make it seem like I was starting mess. I even apologized to her if I came off hostile, but she wouldnt let it go. One day last year at my husbands jobs picnic, she was there doing her usual bs. She got up and sat next to my husband and mentioned that they went to the strip club for a friends bday and she wanted to show him a picture. My husband looked uncomfortable at the this time too. Then she says, in her little flirty voice, " Let me scoot over some because I dont want to give you the wrong idea.." She would also make reference to get togethers that my husbands best friend would have but my husband wouldnt invite me because I didnt get along with my sister in law. She did it as though she was trying to hurt my feelings because she knows that is a sensitive thing for me. I was also 3 mos preggo at that time and very hormonal. I walked away to keep from making a scene but I was so upset because she does that type of stuff to try to make me uncomfortable and I was over it. I sent her a nasty text and told her that next time she will be addressed and that she need not bring her insecurities to my doorstep. My brother in law then emails me to say that she was showing him a picture of a haircut. Her approach to that was all wrong considering the fact that we dont get along. I have had several talks with my mother in law. She has told me that my SIL has had run ins with almost everyone in the family. Either no one likes her or has at one point not liked her. She can be sweet when she is not acting insecure but I refuse to continue to be her scapegoat and target. My MIL thinks that I should ignore it but I have for years but she has crossed the line several times and Im tired of it. My husband has a major issue with communication and completely shuts down when there is conflict. He stopped inviting me out because HE didn't want to feel uncomfortable but everyone is expecting ME to be uncomfortable around her and deal with her bs. I sometimes feel like its me against everyone else because they will agree that she is that way but no one says anything. I have kept my distance for a while but there are family reunions and other things coming up and I will have to see her. I have thought about not going but then she wins if I stop coming around. I honestly cannot deal with the drama but I am not sure how to handle it anymore....Sorry for the long story!

[d0nnivain]

Because everybody knows what she is like, all you can do is take the high road. Ignore her as best you can. Only deal with her when you have no other choice at family functions. Keep your side to a minimum. I'd say little more than hello, Merry Christmas, or pass the salt, please.

[LydiaLong]

I agree with the other poster. Take the high road. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know she gets under your skin. Kill her with kindness and laugh off her insults.

[salparadise]

My husband has a major issue with communication and completely shuts down when there is conflict. He stopped inviting me out because HE didn't want to feel uncomfortable but everyone is expecting ME to be uncomfortable around her and deal with her bs. I sometimes feel like its me against everyone else because they will agree that she is that way but no one says anything.

 

I think you need to adopt the attitude that nothing she says or does can affect you. You know how she is, but it doesn't define who you are... if you just expect her to behave inappropriately but don't take her seriously, understand that no one else does either, and that nothing she might do is any reflection on you, then perhaps you can become desensitized to her.

 

Think of it like this... if there are a bunch of kids playing nearby and one of them has some behavioral issues, it won't affect you in the least because they're just kids and we all know there's one in every crowd. Think of her as the child with behavioral issues and don't allow her to trigger you. That's how you beat her. That's what the rest of the adults in the group/family are doing. She is separate from them, therefore no need to take any of it personally.

 

If she targets you directly, ignore as much as possible and use "I" statements in a very calm and understated manner to set the boundary, but only if she crosses it in a personal way. Don't think, how dare you aim your crap at me again... just say, "oh, I don't feel that way at all." Everyone else around you will respect you for deflecting with grace and calm, well-measured responses only when absolutely necessary.

[BetheButterfly]

Because everybody knows what she is like, all you can do is take the high road. Ignore her as best you can. Only deal with her when you have no other choice at family functions. Keep your side to a minimum. I'd say little more than hello, Merry Christmas, or pass the salt, please.

 

Agreed. Not everybody gets along.

 

OP, the best thing is to do is to be polite.

 

People are diverse, and you're going to have people who rub you the wrong way and who you rub the wrong way, including in families.

 

While it can be hard to do, sometimes the best thing to do is to simply ignore what irks you and concentrate on something else. So, don't give up but rather choose to deliberately not let her get under your skin.

[Assil]

If you don't stand up for yourself, you'll be doing exactly what everyone else in the family is doing - allowing her to get away with bad behavior. It's good that you've been upfront about things to show her and yourself that you have boundaries and standards on how you should be treated.

 

However, I'm not sure if she's likely to change anytime soon. So keep things civil, but just do what you need to do to protect yourself, stay firm, and avoid her whenever possible. Sometimes we just have toxic people in our lives that we have to keep at bay with boundaries and minimal contact. I guarantee that if you try to kill her with kindness, you'll just end up feeling like a doormat.

[stillafool]

Go to family functions, ignore her, be polite if it's called for. Also since the family recognizes that "that's how she is" don't be shy in letting your SIL know "just how you are" and put her in her place, smile and walk away.

[Readandwrite]

Sorry. I think everyone has someone in the family like this. I think her husband also needs to reel hger in.

 

I'd say snide things jokinglky and be as nice and short as possible. I'd just walk away when she starts and get hubby to do the same.

[Robert]

The threadstarter has gone MIA, so we will close this up and if they wish for more feedback or have any updates they would like to share, they can request that from moderation via the 'Alert Us' button on this post.

 

Thanks,

~6