My friend has a lying problem

[Mx12345]

We've been friends for two years and I consider her one of my very good friends. But she has a horrible lying problem. She lies about the littlest things but also some big things.

 

 

Example 1) my little sisters birthday a year ago. we all went to dinner then the plan was to have drinks at a few different bars. She insisted on taking her own car rather than an uber with the rest of us to the restaurant. At the restaurant she was wearing sandals. When we got to the first bar she had changed into cowboy boots. After one drink she took a call outside, then came back and said her roommates car had broke down and she had to go pick her up from work. The next morning im scrolling through facebook and she had been tagged (with her roommate) at a local country dance hall. The next time I saw her, she said after picking up her roommate they got invited by another friend to go to the dance hall. I wanted to tell her I noticed she changed her shoes after the restaurant, but I hate confrontation so I just shrugged it off. I mean I thought it was shady behavior, but I let it slide.

 

 

Example 2) my birthday this past summer. The plan was to go to a concert about an hour away. Our group would all meet at my place and ride together to the concert. Everyone was supposed to be to my place by 7pm because the concert started at 830pm. I knew beforehand she had her company's annual picnic that day. At 710 everyone was there except her. So I text her. At 720, I call her. Is she ok? Is she coming? What's going on? After multiple calls/texts at 745 I finally call and leave a voicemail that Im sorry, we couldn't wait any longer. I hope she was ok, and please call me as soon as she got the message. I had her ticket for the show, so I told her if she wanted to drive herself I would meet her at the front with her ticket. At 750 we are loading into the car and she calls. Shes so sorry, she got stuck cleaning up after the company picnic and she didn't have cell service out there. She told her coworkers she had to be somewhere but she lost track of time, blah blah. She was on her way and would be to my place in 15 min, could we wait. So we waited. She got there at 815, 25 min later. Her hair was wet and slicked back in a braid which I thought was strange. But she kept going over the same story with the other girls about being one of the few people to clean up after the picnic.

 

 

A few months later her and I went out and got pretty drunk. She admitted she had a lying problem and she didn't know why. I asked her about my birthday and she confessed she got home from the picnic in plenty of time, but was tired so she fell asleep. She set her alarm but when it went off she was so sleepy she just turned it off. That's what made her late.

 

 

Again, I was pissy about the situation, and at this point I had caught her lying in other smaller situations, but she was a good friend in other ways, so I shrugged it off.

 

 

Example 3) New years eve. Her and I had planned to go to a roof top party. The day before she said she hadn't been feeling well that week and also her parents had been giving her crap about celebrating with them. I was bummed but luckily I was able to tag along with other friends to a house party. The next week I saw her, she confirmed she went to her parents early, popped fireworks, then went home and was in bed before midnight because she didn't feel well. She even laughed about having such a lame new years eve.

 

 

A few weeks ago she introduced me to a good friend of hers, and me and this girl became Instagram friends. I started looking through her photos and she had posted one on new years eve with the caption, "thanks to everyone for coming out to me new years eve party, what a blast." and wouldn't you know it, my lying friend was in many of the pictures she posted. Meaning she didn't go to her parents and wasn't in bed before midnight.

 

 

 

 

She has also lied about other super small things that don't hold as much significance but I do notice them. I feel like its an insult that she thinks Im stupid enough to believe her lies sometimes. Like my sisters birthday. Did she really think I didn't notice her change shoes? Or her obvious wet-just-showered- hair when she supposedly came straight from the picnic?

 

 

I guess Im questioning the friendship because of other traits about her that bother me. She also is the person who when we all go out for drinks she lets everyone "get the first round" then NEVER buys anyone a drink back. It go so bad that one time we went out with a friend of mine she had never met. I told the friend, "hey, lets just all buy our own drinks tonight." because I didn't want my friend to buy her a drink, never get one in return, then think back of the lying friend. I realized this a year into our friendship when I noticed while I had paid for her drinks tons of times, she never once had ever bought me a drink back. Also, I helped her move one Saturday. It was just me and her and it took all day. She lived on the third floor and was moving to another complex on the second floor. I helped carry a damn couch! Well that evening when the moving was over we went to grab a quick bite at chickfila. I wasn't expecting her to pay for my meal, but it would have been nice. If the roles were reversed I would have paid for hers. But no, nothing.

 

 

Im questioning if this friendship is worth it anymore?

[SammySammy]

"The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth."

This is blatant disrespect. You know that. You know this woman doesn't respect you, your time or your friendship.

 

The only question is what are you going to do about it?

[whichwayisup]

Just distance yourself from this girl and don't make an effort. Obviously you two have some mutual friends so just keep things light and keep the peace. Last thing you want is drama.

 

She's a compulsive liar, at least to you she is. Does she lie to others too?

[anika99]

Lying is only one part of the problem you have with this friend. The other parts are that she is selfish, self absorbed, unreliable, and doesn't prioritize you in any way. It seems like she will make plans with you but will dump you the minute she thinks she has a better offer. It's like you're her fallback friend, the one she will hang out with as long as she doesn't have anything better to do. How important is this friendship to you? I think you should regard her as no more than a casual friend and start putting your time and attention into the people who value you more than she does.

[Mx12345]

I've thought a lot about it, and ever since I found out two weeks ago that she lied about New Years eve I've been very anxious around her. Is what she's telling me at any given moment a complete lie? I shouldn't feel like that around someone I consider a really good friend. I also find myself resenting her. We're both on a coed sports league that plays once a week, and last night I almost couldn't even be around her. We all decided at next weeks game we would cookout and all I could think was how she would show up, not bring anything, then make some lame excuse/lie as to why she showed up empty handed. I don't want to throw away a friendship so easily but I feel like she's left me no choice.

[startinganew777]

She is all about the BBD. The bigger, better deal. I think she is a crappy friend. I had a friend like that and I just stopped talking to her. Did she care? No. Did she ask what was wrong or why I just stopped being her friend? No. We just never spoke again. I obviously made the right choice. I think you know what you need to do to. Just keep it civil. Be friendly but don't be friends. Don't do anything for her anymore and don't make any plans with her. You deserve better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Pathological lying is a really unfortunate trait in my family.

 

I had to confront it in myself during my late teens / early twenties. I had a friend in high school who was (probably still is) a pathological liar. Come to think of it, I had another one too. The first one stands out in my mind more because as time went on, the lying got bigger and worse. She even faked cancer in University. Seriously. Any time you questioned anything, totally innocently, she would get so damn adamant and angry.

 

The thing is, she was also very smart. So I assume she thought she was smarter than other people, so that would make her a "good liar." And she did have people fooled - for awhile. But overall being book smart etc. Does not make you a skilled liar.

 

But that stuff catches up with you. Like, for instance, getting an achievement award for maintaining a good average while "battling cancer" then not being able to invite any family members, and only two friends who have been "very warned" not to talk about it with family because they are so "unsupportive."

 

When your friends start putting together that " something's really up here."

 

When you can't seem to get any contracts renewed at your field of study. But mysteriously, for years, your friends hear about how it is clearly everyone else's fault or incompetence.

 

Being unable to keep intimate relationships going because you can't manipulate your partners against their own family.

 

One of the weird ones I remember was her insistence that my husband had dreads when she met him. He's never had dreads the whole time I've known him. Or even close. I wasn't going to argue it. But my husband said 'nah, you must be confusing me with someone else.' So she went in the kitchen and asked her bf at the time he we could HEAR them talking her her bf is just like "I don't know. I don't think so...." And she comes back out and says "Dave says for sure you did." Like, why? Why even bother LMAO?

 

So, anyway, I realized pretty reasonably what path one goes down when one becomes a pathological liar. I didn't want to be seen as someone who just embarrassingly lies and "everyone knows" but generally won't confront it, thinks you're an idiot and eventually drops you as a friend/spouse/worker/whatever.

 

My father is a total pathological liar too. (And honestly my mother is too, she lies a lot to my Dad, then complains about him.) I'm sure I don't know everything about them etc. but I do know that my father generally has a set of people "cooled" for a bit before he turns on them, or they catch that " something's up " and they get out of there. Usually he says something really negative about them if they do leave. "They didn't like to work, they were trying to get my business, they think they're going to get rich by working for someone else" or whatever. Mostly I see the decent workers just run for the hills in a hurry, knowing they can be in a less-toxic work environment. Both of my parents have difficulty maintaining friendships as well.

 

So, on my personal journey of being exposed to this behaviour (and participating when I was younger) I've come to the conclusion that it is pretty much a VERY POOR coping skill.

 

But that it is a common mechanism for those that aren't good about saying what they want or holding up reciprocal relationships. I mean, if your friend wanted to go to a different party, or made other plans, why not just say so? It would cause less resent than stringing people along. Or if she overslept her alarm, why not just say so? Instead she makes it about "someone else's moral fault." She lies where the truth would do go try to make herself look "better." And it only makes it worse. It's pretty sad when you think about it.

 

But until she's ready to confront those demons on her own, you either get to accept that she's unreliable and will BS as to why, or you can move away from a friendship like that. Either way, it is not about you at all. Or trying to make you feel like "an idiot." In fact, I think a lot of pathological liars stress about "I hope she didn't notice that.......[i put my boots on/my hair was terrible/my friend's Instagram shows where I was]."

 

And yes dealing with pathological liars is a stressful thing. If you are attached to them anyway. With my parents for instance, it annoys me that my father will twist my words, utterly create BS to make himself look good or make me look bad. He even tells people my daughter's last name is the same as his. WTF? So I took my husband's last name and yet our daughter has MY father's last name? How stupid does that look? And my daughter is young, so explaining to her over and over that "no, you have Daddy's last name, not Grandpa's" is just so dysfunctional, it's embarrassing. I often sorry about what people think of ME if they believe the stuff he says, or even worse, they figure "I must be like him" and mirror the same behaviours, because he's my father.

 

It can feel very "on edge" of you haven't dealt with a lot of people like that before. As I have, and have gotten older, you just kind of smell it on some folks (and it isn't usually the ones the average person thinks, it's often those that make the best efforts to appear 'polished.') Generally it's just "oh yeah, uh-huh, wow isn't that great / unfortunate / frustrating" just to get through the interaction.

 

IDK if any of that was helpful.

[Deirdra]

Just distance yourself from this girl and don't make an effort. Obviously you two have some mutual friends so just keep things light and keep the peace. Last thing you want is drama.

 

She's a compulsive liar, at least to you she is. Does she lie to others too?

 

I agree.

 

There is a technique for dealing with unhealthy people in one's life that doesn't involve drama yet keeps them at a healthy distance without a lot of dust-up.

It's called "medium chill."

I recommend looking into it.

 

A recent experience with a friend involved lying about little things, too.

She would say nasty things about people--then interact positively with them.

She would then swear to hate them and never speak to them.

And repeat the behavior.

Those little things ultimately resulted in a big thing that she aimed at me.

 

Don't wait for the same to happen to you. Apply the "chill".

[BettyDraper]

Lying is only one part of the problem you have with this friend. The other parts are that she is selfish, self absorbed, unreliable, and doesn't prioritize you in any way. It seems like she will make plans with you but will dump you the minute she thinks she has a better offer. It's like you're her fallback friend, the one she will hang out with as long as she doesn't have anything better to do. How important is this friendship to you? I think you should regard her as no more than a casual friend and start putting your time and attention into the people who value you more than she does.

 

This. Sometimes downgrading friendships rather than ending them is helpful if you don't want to cut the person off entirely.

 

That said, there's no reason to keep unreliable and selfish people in your life. Getting rid of those types has been a smart choice.

[truthtripper]

Lying is only one part of the problem you have with this friend. The other parts are that she is selfish, self absorbed, unreliable, and doesn't prioritize you in any way. It seems like she will make plans with you but will dump you the minute she thinks she has a better offer. It's like you're her fallback friend, the one she will hang out with as long as she doesn't have anything better to do. How important is this friendship to you? I think you should regard her as no more than a casual friend and start putting your time and attention into the people who value you more than she does.

She's a user, probably a narcissist ie-personality disordered people who use other people like objects to get what they want. It is best to distance oneself from such people. They are not friendship material. Sadly, they simply aren't capable of it.

[preraph]

It's hard to be friends with a compulsive liar, and they usually have some pretty serious problems making them do that too.

[amaysngrace]

I knew someone once who had this bipolar thing going on. Her/his biggest entertainment was pinning people against each other.

 

I swear s/he must've kept a black book with facts on people for future reference to pretend s/he genuinely cared about people.

 

But at a closer look the only people in this person's life are estranged family members who want nothing to do with them, friends IRL that have left the drama behind and a romance with somebody on another continent.

 

I guess that's karma for a psycho liar like this person is.

[truthtripper]

Just distance yourself from this girl and don't make an effort. Obviously you two have some mutual friends so just keep things light and keep the peace. Last thing you want is drama.

 

She's a compulsive liar, at least to you she is. Does she lie to others too?

If she lies and uses one person, then she most likely treats others the same way, depending on their enabler suitability. I come from an abusive narcissistic family and many of my relatives are manipulative(through the use of lies), compulsive liars. This kind of behaviour can be viewed as pathological when a person keeps on repeating it.

[truthtripper]

Im questioning if this friendship is worth it anymore?

No, it's not worth it. She's exhibited too many red flags. If you keep associating with her, you won't be her friend, but rather one of her enablers-people she lies to and uses to get what she wants. Pathological liars will also admit occasionally that they lie, but again, that's for their own protection, not for your's, to keep you as their enabler. Or putting it simply, they fake empathy, "oh, I realise how frustrating it must be having to put up with my stupid lies, I don't know why I do it...." And they keep on lying to you, taking advantage of your patience and acceptance of their so-called self-confessed "weakness" and in the process, manipulate you to suit their own needs. They can also be lots of fun to be around, but it's all manipulation to win your affection.

 

Here is a fantastic depiction of a destructive, narcissistic, pathological liar. This is what happens to the enablers-

 

Henry Rollins - Liar Lyrics | MetroLyrics

[RankWebz2016]

No, it's not worth it. She's exhibited too many red flags. If you keep associating with her, you won't be her friend, but rather one of her enablers-people she lies to and uses to get what she wants. Pathological liars will also admit occasionally that they lie, but again, that's for their own protection, not for your's, to keep you as their enabler. Or putting it simply, they fake empathy, "oh, I realise how frustrating it must be having to put up with my stupid lies, I don't know why I do it...." And they keep on lying to you, taking advantage of your patience and acceptance of their so-called self-confessed "weakness" and in the process, manipulate you to suit their own needs. They can also be lots of fun to be around, but it's all manipulation to win your affection.

 

Here is a fantastic depiction of a destructive, narcissistic, pathological liar. This is what happens to the enablers-

 

Henry Rollins - Liar Lyrics | MetroLyrics

It's not a good to cheat some. you must try to talk once with calm and then take any decision that what to do or not.

[bathtub-row]

You say you don't want to throw away this friendship but this really isn't a friendship. She's using you and you're letting that get to you. She's a person you know well, but she's far from being a friend.

 

There have been two people I've known over the years who - for a time - I considered friends but I eventually, and deliberately, lost all contact with. One of them constantly talked about herself and constantly created drama. I distanced myself from the drama queen for many years but one day, she took her drama and self-centered behavior too far. After I hung up the phone with her, I vowed that was the last I'd ever see or talk to her. And it was. The other person was very similar to the previous drama queen. I didn't know her very long but we just simply didn't click. Well from her point of view, we did. From mine, we were way off the mark. I dropped both of these people and never regretted one second of it. Most of the time, I would just let relationships phase out but these two people I wanted out of my sphere completely.

 

Stop letting this girl irritate you and don't do anything that requires depending on her. Stop inviting her places and tolerate her when she's around. In other words, disconnect from her without saying a word. People like this don't know how to maintain friendships. And you don't need to keep someone around who behaves this way. But if you confront her, she'll either deny it, or she'll admit to how she behaves but she'll never change. Learn to not waste your time and energy on people like this.

[Deirdra]

 

Stop letting this girl irritate you and don't do anything that requires depending on her. Stop inviting her places and tolerate her when she's around. In other words, disconnect from her without saying a word. People like this don't know how to maintain friendships. And you don't need to keep someone around who behaves this way. But if you confront her, she'll either deny it, or she'll admit to how she behaves but she'll never change. Learn to not waste your time and energy on people like this.

 

 

Very good advice. I understand, OP, if you're trying to figure out why this happened. Don't bother. And I agree with bathtub that confronting her is pointless. Deny and deflect is what she'll do. She may not even be clear on why she is like this. Don't count on her to admit any wrongdoing anyway. Annoying, but it's simply how it is.

 

When you can avoid her, do. If you run into her, apply medium chill. It won't allow her to get any more info, which she can use. She won't be able to get a foothold in your business to create drama either. Trust me, it works!

[Timshel]

I knew someone once who had this bipolar thing going on. Her/his biggest entertainment was pinning people against each other.

 

I swear s/he must've kept a black book with facts on people for future reference to pretend s/he genuinely cared about people.

 

But at a closer look the only people in this person's life are estranged family members who want nothing to do with them, friends IRL that have left the drama behind and a romance with somebody on another continent.

 

I guess that's karma for a psycho liar like this person is.

 

Right amay? A chick on a forum asked my bf if he was going to marry me. He said yes...but she started texting his cell. I know, how did she get his cell #?

More than a year ago...before we starting dating....he gave it to her. However, this chick didn't start texting him till she knew, because she reads the forum...that he and I were a serious thing. Funny, huh?

 

What's a little more crazy? A few weeks after she starts texting my bf, she announces on the forum that she's moving to the same state as us.

I know, right

 

People, what do you do?

[amaysngrace]

haha seriously? This is what you think about?

 

Trust me I'm not making a play for your BF. If you're his type there is no way possible that I'd be his type.

 

I'm a lot less uptight than you are. :lmao:

 

And didn't you offer to meet me for a drink? While harboring all this pent up hostility?

 

Crazy indeed.