BF gets off on hearing about my past sexual relationships

[marissa828]

My boyfriend wants me to tell him in detail about my past sexual relationships. It bugs me that he is so persistant. Then he wants to tell me about his. I'm not interested in doing this although I have played along in the past. He crossed the line when last week he asked me if imagine him ****ing our waitress. This waitress is very attentive to him when we come in, which is several times a week. She Latin and he is 1/2 but says he will never date Latin women again. I have tried to get him to go to another place, but he like the same old thing.....doesn't do well with change. Actually said I don't have to go!

What do you think?

[SexKitten]

maybe he has a fetish. or maybe he's not looking for a real relationship right now after all.

 

good luck. don't put up with anything you're not willing to put with.

[d'Arthez]

I agree with SexKitten. And it might be or become a way of either tormenting himself or you.

[ratzxvital]

Seems like a fetish to me. I've heard of couples that like watching their partner have sex with someone else. I wouldnt say it is harmful on its own to have the fetish and act it out in monogomous ways if that is how your relationship is. However him asking about the waitress seems suspicous to me that he is likely to cheat. Ask him about it more and tell you that you are worried and how it makes you uncomfortable.

[Fun2BMe]

I think he wants your permission to have sex with the waitress and if instead he sees it bothers you that he talks sexually about her, he will cheat with her on you. sounds like he does that with other women too and is not bf material.

[crazy_grl]

It could also be that making you tell him about your sexual experiences and making you listen to his is his way of gaining power over you. It's probably no use asking him if that's what he's doing though, because even if he realizes it, I doubt he'd admit it to you.

 

You just have to decide for yourself if that's something you're comfortable with. Don't just excuse this kind of behavior if you're not. And it doesn't sound like you are.

[marissa828]

I think you might be right about the fetish thing. When we make love he's said several times..."After I'm done, I'm going to have my buddies do you. Your "my" slut, etc....He likes to play act. I'm going to find out more about having a fetish. Do you think I should play along with his role-playing to keep him happy?

 

Gosh, I hope he's not going to cheat with the waitress. When I'm there he doesn't even look at her, he focuses all his attention on me. We laugh and have a good time and I'm sure it ticks her off....

[ollydolly]

Originally posted by marissa828

I think you might be right about the fetish thing. When we make love he's said several times..."After I'm done, I'm going to have my buddies do you. Your "my" slut, etc....He likes to play act. I'm going to find out more about having a fetish. Do you think I should play along with his role-playing to keep him happy?

 

If you value monogamy - don't even let him talk this way! Going along with it will send him a message that you're ok with it.

 

Have my buddies do you? Please. When a man loves a woman - I mean really loves a woman - the mere thought of this would drive him crazy with jealousy! And rightly so.

 

You can't expect monogamy from a relationship but within the relationship constantly talk about the desire to **** other people.

Sounds to me like he would bang the waitress if he got half a chance - especially if she is someone else's slut.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by marissa828

I think you might be right about the fetish thing. When we make love he's said several times..."After I'm done, I'm going to have my buddies do you. Your "my" slut, etc....He likes to play act. I'm going to find out more about having a fetish. Do you think I should play along with his role-playing to keep him happy?

 

Gosh, I hope he's not going to cheat with the waitress. When I'm there he doesn't even look at her, he focuses all his attention on me. We laugh and have a good time and I'm sure it ticks her off....

 

What reason do you want to be with this guy? Do you like being called his little slut? Would you enjoy having his friends bang you? Do you like the idea that he's picturing them doing it? If you do, then you two are probably made for each other. If not, you shouldn't be going along with things that are off-putting to you just to make him happy. If you go along with him saying these things now, are you going to go along with f***ing his buds later or watching him f***ing that waitress. By not standing up to him, you're telling him that, yes, you are

 

If you don't like the thought of those things, have respect for yourself, stand up to him, and say that you don't like when he says them. He might not like it, and he might even break up with you, but you're better off being single than going through the trama of him manipulating and forcing you into a gang bang with his buddies.

 

I would personally find those kinds of things disgusting and offensive. But if they do it for you, then more power to ya.

[marissa828]

I appreciate all of your thoughts. I have some thinking to do about this. We are not kids anymore (40+) and this just isn't healthy. Maybe he's a little off because of his profession (cop). I don't know and I'm not making excuses for him. But, you're right, it would really turn a guy off if she were "banging his buddies". Relationships are so difficult and decent people are sometimes hard to come by. Anyway, I'm bummed out now and guess I'll have to re-evaluate the relationship. Thanks again

[mutton]

I'm sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. It may be a fetish, but he still needs to learn to have some respect for you and what you LIKE. Some fetishes are better kept in the dark. If you are in any way uncomfortable with his behavior, I think you need to have a talk with him and set some boundaries. Don't be afraid of him dumping you because if he truly cares for you and your feelings, he will listen. Perhaps his purpose in bringing up the waitress is to test whether you share his fetish. He seems to get his jollies by thinking about other men having sex with you. Maybe all he only wanted to know is whether it would turn you on if you imagined him having sex with other women--namely the waitress. Also, is it possible that your boyfriend may be the slightly addicted to pornography? Especially since he seems to want to enact certain fantasies from porn onto you.

[ishouldgiveup]

So you've indicated that he's 40+ years old. I initially thought maybe he was just some young h*rny punk, going through his prime. The fact that he's older, obviously knows what he likes and is into - the fact that he gets off on the disclosure of yours and his past sexual experiences, the fact that he'd sit there with you and tell you he'd like to f*ck the waitress (how bloody disrespectful!) and finally, him telling you that he'd like his friends to f*ck you - I think there's a lot about this guy that you don't know and don't want to know. It shouldn't matter one bit that he's a cop - regardless of what he does for a living, I think this is someone who can't be trusted, doesn't value monogamy or the specialness of sex - what do you even know about his background? How did you even meet him? He sounds like someone who's got secrets and perhaps a secret sex life.

 

Do you have so little respect for yourself that you'd tolerate your guy talking to you this way? - talking about having his friends screw you? Sounds like he's got a fantasy to screw the waitress and for all you know he maybe already has and maybe he was wondering what you'd feel about an open relationship or threesome? Is THIS the kind of "quality" man you want in your life? He surely doesn't sound like someone you could totally trust. These things he's saying are obvioiusly bothering you - with good reason. So please don't be a pushover and tolerate such crap from a partner - stand up for yourself, demand someone with more class and respect for monogamy and sex.

[ishouldgiveup]

something else i just noticed. he made the crude/crass/disrespectful comment about screwing the waitress, you expressed that you didn't want to go there anymore, he couldn't care less how you feel, he's still going....with or WITHOUT you, no big deal to him. Sounds selfish and unwilling to acknowledge or consider your feelings. He's a loser.

[marissa828]

His background is he was adopted and his father was gay. Has a hard time accepting that fact. Makes jokes about it so I'm assuming he's not over it. The whole waitress thing was talked about later, not at the restaurant. You're right he is selfish for not wanting to go someplace else. I do know he's a guy who doesn't like change. In fact he orders the same thing everyday! I don't know, maybe he does have a "secret" life. I know some people like to role play......he did say he was sorry when I didn't like him using the waitress as the fantasy. He's a bodybuilder, is about 5' 6", drives a Mercedes and I guess he might have an image problem. Not that he flaunts what he has. Says he started lifting weights in hs because he got tired of getting beat up. He tells me how beautiful I am and why do I want to be with him? After reading all the posts I'm having doubts. It's sad because he does have good traits. He says basically he's shy, but women are attracted to his body and he has a cute face. He doesn't have a lot of friends, but that could be because he's a cop. He had a close woman friend that he worked out with for 6 years who is married, but now he says he just wants to be alone and work out by himself. It takes too long to change the weights and his workout takes longer. He does joke around with the women at the station. Nothing serious, just teasing. I know I'm rambling on, just trying to include different things. He was married for 10 years, no kids with ex wife.

[Fun2BMe]

I just read that you both are over 40. I swear I thought between 18-21. That is ridiculous and unacceptable how he behaves. You should find a better man as soon as possible before you invest any more feelings into him. He thinks he' a god and can say whatever he wants and you'll put up with it. That is too hurtful for you to put up with. Think about it. You deserve better.

[crazy_grl]

Wow. I really didn't think he was over 40. Like everybody else, I figured about early 20's. I'd be really worried to see it from someone that age.

 

Originally posted by ishouldgiveup

It shouldn't matter one bit that he's a cop - regardless of what he does for a living, I think this is someone who can't be trusted, doesn't value monogamy or the specialness of sex

 

This is true. Cops can be just as bad of people as anybody else. I know of 2 specific instances of cops who were sexual predators. One asked women harassing sexual questions while on duty and eventually killed a woman who stood up to him. Another raped and murdered a couple women in their own homes.

 

Just because he's a cop doesn't make him a good guy or any more trustworthy than anyone else. When you're evaluating his worth as your boyfriend, don't give any more weight to him being a cop than you would to any other job.

[Fun2BMe]

most cops are more corrupt that the people they arrest but can get away with their crimes and behavior. your bf is used to getting away with **** and he thinks he can get away with disrespecting you while he's at it.