Fedupwife Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Hello all, thanks for reading my post. I appreciate any advice I may get here. I have been married for 25 yrs. For at least 15yrs my husband has had a drug problem and we have gone thru all the things associated with that, including infidelity. We have separated before for a short time. I know I havent mentioned all the details but here's my delima. I am at a point where I am ready to leave the marriage (or maybe its just the grass is greener on the other side). However, my options are limited. I am unemployed and live in an area where it is very hard to find a job. I do have a degree and may be able to get a good job in another state. (In that case we would stay together). If I move, I would be leaving family but not so far that I cant visit at least monthly. So...should I take the job to get back on my feet even though it takes moving away (and I love the area I would be moving to), or stay in the "rut" I am in, or move in with family (living in the same area I currently live) and be dependent on my family for however long that may take. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Hello all, thanks for reading my post. I appreciate any advice I may get here. I have been married for 25 yrs. For at least 15yrs my husband has had a drug problem and we have gone thru all the things associated with that, including infidelity. We have separated before for a short time. I know I havent mentioned all the details but here's my delima. I am at a point where I am ready to leave the marriage (or maybe its just the grass is greener on the other side). However, my options are limited. I am unemployed and live in an area where it is very hard to find a job. I do have a degree and may be able to get a good job in another state. (In that case we would stay together). If I move, I would be leaving family but not so far that I cant visit at least monthly. So...should I take the job to get back on my feet even though it takes moving away (and I love the area I would be moving to), or stay in the "rut" I am in, or move in with family (living in the same area I currently live) and be dependent on my family for however long that may take. Fed up wife: IMO, it's always best to be financially independent. It is difficult depending on the kindness of others and it can destroy your self esteem. So, IMO, moving to an area where your job prospects are better is the better choice. As you noted, you can still visit. I am sorry you feel you are in a rut. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mellywell Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 You don't say whether you have children. If you have no children or if they are out of the house, I would look for the job and take it if you get it. You'll feel much better if you can be independent. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Why would you stay together if you took a job out of state? I would encourage you to be become financial independent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Neil711 Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Only you can decide what is best for you, but I agree with the other poster that seeking financial independence is a good idea. Especially since you have a degree. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Take the job. The key to happiness? Never being dependent on anyone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 How much money does your H spend on drugs? What kind of drugs? Does he work? Has he tried rehab many times over the years? I just wanted to understand a bit better what you're dealing with. I understand loving someone & feeling responsible no matter how flawed they are. I moved from England too the USA & it's incredibly hard living away from family. Much harder than I thought. How much do you lean on them? Would a telephone & occasional visits compensate if you were more independent? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedupwife Posted April 21, 2016 Author Share Posted April 21, 2016 At the moment the drug thing is somewhat under control but it comes and goes and I have pretty much learned to deal with it. As far as moving away without him, I am just not the type to take off on my own like that, and he is a hard worker and will be a help. I guess I hesitate because he was unfaithful and I am not sure I will ever be able to move past that and leave that hurt behind and trust him again. At the same time, moving away from bad memories, gossip and people with opinions we dont ask for could possibly help our marriage. Any thoughts? ? Also, kids are grown and on their own 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 At the moment the drug thing is somewhat under control but it comes and goes and I have pretty much learned to deal with it. As far as moving away without him, I am just not the type to take off on my own like that, and he is a hard worker and will be a help. I guess I hesitate because he was unfaithful and I am not sure I will ever be able to move past that and leave that hurt behind and trust him again. At the same time, moving away from bad memories, gossip and people with opinions we dont ask for could possibly help our marriage. Any thoughts? ? Also, kids are grown and on their own Sounds like plan. IMO, it is good to get away from busybodies who are gossiping, or judgmental people who are offering unsolicited advice. Finding a decent job will help build your confidence and self-esteem, too. IMO, moving will definitely improve your entire life, in general, and it will most likely help your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noluck Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 There is a great book called "too good to leave too bad to stay". Maybe it'll help you out 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Move! No real choice here. Move and make the best of it. New place. New start. Come back to see your family when you can. Seriously consider doing it without him. What's the plus of being with him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Take the job and move. With or without him, its still the best option. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 FedUpWife. We're selling-up & moving back to England to be with my family & friends following my H's betrayal. I really don't care about gossip or any of that. I have only great memories of our relationship in England. I'm moving for family & security. I can't financially support myself & my children alone in the USA. I've tolerated being treated in ways I would NEVER of lived with if I had somewhere to go. My H becomes abusive & cruel when he cheats. No one who knows me would believe that I would ever allow myself to be abused but I did. It's killed part of me. I used to love myself!! How the mighty fall!! I understand the new start, new hope, I truly do. I actually think it's a great idea. Just keep in mind that it's so incredibly hard to live without 'HOME', family & real age-old friends. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedupwife Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 Shattered, I understand what you are saying and that is probably my biggest problem with moving. I keep asking myself how do I move away from my family (we are very close) and stay with a man I don't trust, and am no longer happy with. Like I said, I am not the type to make the move on my own, so if I do this we would go together. I don't want to have regrets but I must decide if I should stay in an unhappy marriage and move away from family for a job. Pros and cons in every direction. Im very confused. How do I decide. I have to make a decision soon. Thanks to all for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedupwife Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 A little info on whar I am living with. He is manipulating, controlling, jealous, and insecure. At this very moment, I am getting text messages from him saying" I wonder what you are doing while you are home alone and I am at work". He is the one who has cheated (several times) and I get accused of it. I have to say however, that he is better now than he has been in years. Thats why I am considering the move to at least be able to get on my feet if I should divorce. I just want to be happy again Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Why on EARTH would you choose this loser over your family? What is wrong with you that you'd even consider it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedupwife Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 Im not chosing him over my family. I just need to get back on my feet and know that I will be able to take care of myself. I don't want my family to have the burden of taking care of me while I try to do that in a place where I cant get a decent job. I would never put anyone over my family. Link to post Share on other sites
EllyH Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) Dear Fedupwife, your post really spoke to me and I feel your pain. I too went through some very difficult times with my husband and in fact we separated for a whole year. We have now been married for 30 years so I really understand how torn you are. It's a difficult place to be in, especially when addiction is involved because it complicates everything. No one can "tell" you what you "should" or "shouldn't" do. There are emotional issues that you are facing and the one thing that is for certain is that you shouldn't face them alone. To make a marriage successful both parties have to want to make it successful, it sounds like you and your husband have made it for a long time, there must be some very strong and positive aspects of the relationship that have kept you together. I know of a place you could contact; Maybe it would help to speak with a counselor.You can discuss your situation with a Focus on the Family counselor at no cost to you, at 855-771-HELP,. It might be worth giving them a call. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers if that's all right. Edited April 25, 2016 by EllyH skipped a word Link to post Share on other sites
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