Learn from my failures.....

[Noluck]

I am in the process of a separation divorce. I have been in several long-term relationships prior to my marriage. Unfortunately I have been unlucky in all of them. Maybe if I had a little more guidance or some better advice I could have avoided some of the pitfalls of my relationships. I could have made better choices. We only have one life and it only moves forward. So all we can do is to try and learn now so that we can make better decisions for tomorrow. I listed some of the things I learned through a lot of introspection. Theses are the things I wish someone told me about marriage and relationships. Hopefully this helps someone out there.

 

1. Address issues early on.

Every relationship will run into speed bumps but establish early on a way to talk out and resolve problems. It's the unresolved ones that chip away at your relationship. Don't be afraid to have difficult discussions.

 

2. Sex is important

It should not be used as a tool or a means to punish or reward someone. It's supposed to be a way to express how you feel about someone, your attraction to that person, and a way to give and receive pleasure. You can easily make someone feel small and insecure. I think it may be one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Don't underestimate its importance

 

3. Intimacy is not sex but it's equally as important

Intimacy, affection (whatever you want to call it) is not an orgasm or intercourse. It's holding a person and making them feel emotionally safe and secure. Men need this as much as women. There is an emotional connection that needs to be nourished in every relationship.

 

4. Set specific ideas on what you want in a partner

Determine the things you absolutely need in a relationship. Then do not waiver in your wants, ideas, and ideals. Do not compromise what makes you happy for someone else. Once that occurs all the blame rest solely on yourself.

 

5. Have something the two of you can do together as a couple.

Quality time is important to develop and foster closeness. There should be something you both can do that you can be passionate about. Whether it's a hobby or an activity it should be something that brings you two together.

 

6. Consider professional pre marital counseling before marriage.

Even if you think things are great and fine Sometimes you distort how the relationship really is from what you want to see it as. Sometimes there are issues that a third person could see better than the two people in it.

 

7. "We never argue" is not a good trait in a relationship.

I though it was but it really just means the two of you are not directly addressing issues. The absence of arguing does not mean it is a good relationship. It may just indicate poor communication.

 

8. Have a real conversation about money and spending before marriage.

One of you may have an idea of money once you get married that is different when you were dating.

 

9. Don't over accommodate your life to fit into someone else's.

Ensure that the relationship isn't one sided there should be an equal give and take. Rules and restrictions should work equally for both parties.

 

10. Beware if they don't show some sort of interest in your life, family, or friends.

If they don't they are too self absorbed and self centered.

 

11. Passion is important

Don't underestimate how passion in a relationship can help resolve conflict. A lack of passion can kick start a downward spiral.

 

12. Don't be afraid to Be vulnerable.

Control issues are cancerous!!

 

13. Take time to foster an emotional connection

An emotional connection is as important as a physical one and Helps to establish closeness.

 

14. Ensure a certain degree of emotional stability in your partner.

A person's lack of self esteem and emotional instability will make anything you do for them twice as hard. They tend to forget or not acknowledge your efforts.

 

 

Feel free to add

[dichotomy]

1) I chose poorly did not listen to my gut/true self, compromised.

2) I made assumptions about my partner.

3) Related #2 I should have clearly discussed my beliefs, needs and wants in a relationship and what I would consider a betrayal or abandonment or a deal breaker.

4) Always believe in myself and my value and don't take **** from anyone I give my personal time too.

 

 

 

 

Your Number 6 did not really work fully for me. I guess it did not ask the all the questions it should have.

[BetheButterfly]

I am in the process of a separation divorce.

 

I am so sorry.

 

 

1. Address issues early on.Every relationship will run into speed bumps but establish early on a way to talk out and resolve problems. It's the unresolved ones that chip away at your relationship. Don't be afraid to have difficult discussions.

 

2. Sex is important

It should not be used as a tool or a means to punish or reward someone. It's supposed to be a way to express how you feel about someone, your attraction to that person, and a way to give and receive pleasure. You can easily make someone feel small and insecure. I think it may be one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Don't underestimate its importance

 

3. Intimacy is not sex but it's equally as important

Intimacy, affection (whatever you want to call it) is not an orgasm or intercourse. It's holding a person and making them feel emotionally safe and secure. Men need this as much as women. There is an emotional connection that needs to be nourished in every relationship.

 

4. Set specific ideas on what you want in a partner

Determine the things you absolutely need in a relationship.

Agreed! Nicely stated

 

Then do not waiver in your wants, ideas, and ideals. Do not compromise what makes you happy for someone else. Once that occurs all the blame rest solely on yourself.

Well, I disagree with this. My hubby wants a motorcycle. I would be happier if he decided of his own free will to not get one. He wants one regardless of my issues with motorcycles. I compromise and decide to be happy for him. Compromise is an important part of relationships.

5. Have something the two of you can do together as a couple.

Quality time is important to develop and foster closeness. There should be something you both can do that you can be passionate about. Whether it's a hobby or an activity it should be something that brings you two together.

 

6. Consider professional pre marital counseling before marriage.

Even if you think things are great and fine Sometimes you distort how the relationship really is from what you want to see it as. Sometimes there are issues that a third person could see better than the two people in it.

 

7. "We never argue" is not a good trait in a relationship.

I though it was but it really just means the two of you are not directly addressing issues. The absence of arguing does not mean it is a good relationship. It may just indicate poor communication.

Eloquently stated. Yeah, learning how to argue without hurting each other's feelings is so important. It's also fun! My hubby and I like arguing because it's interesting lol, and we are very different from each other, and that's ok!

8. Have a real conversation about money and spending before marriage.

One of you may have an idea of money once you get married that is different when you were dating.

 

9. Don't over accommodate your life to fit into someone else's.

Ensure that the relationship isn't one sided there should be an equal give and take. Rules and restrictions should work equally for both parties.

 

10. Beware if they don't show some sort of interest in your life, family, or friends.

If they don't they are too self absorbed and self centered.

 

11. Passion is important

Don't underestimate how passion in a relationship can help resolve conflict. A lack of passion can kick start a downward spiral.

 

12. Don't be afraid to Be vulnerable.

Control issues are cancerous!!

 

13. Take time to foster an emotional connection

An emotional connection is as important as a physical one and Helps to establish closeness.

 

Agreed! Eloquently stated!

 

14. Ensure a certain degree of emotional stability in your partner.

A person's lack of self esteem and emotional instability will make anything you do for them twice as hard. They tend to forget or not acknowledge your efforts.

While this is understandable, sometimes life happens. For example, my Mom did not know that my Dad would have bipolar tendencies until they were in their 30s. They got married when they were 18, so they had many years before bipolar (which includes mental instability that affects emotions) tackled them. They have learned to love each other through this trial, though.

 

Thanks so much for sharing! You give awesome advice!

Edited April 22, 2016 by BetheButterfly