Let Go, or Fight For Her?

[entitydriven]

Sometimes we look in the mirror, and we wonder who is staring back at us. We wonder what we are doing, where we are, or who we are. We can get advice, vent or talk to people, but its never enough. We're lost, and floundering in what is a reflective illusion of our self.

In this optical abyss, there are others involved. People that we love, care for and sincerely want in our lives. Then reality sets in and we start to see the harm that we are causing. No matter the situation, break up, hook up, we see an underlying issue. We wrestle with this for so long because its hard to fight a battle when we really want something or love someone. We are back and forth with it because inside we want, love or need someone so bad, and keep telling ourselves that it will work out or it will be fine. Too bad life is not the movies, love almost never conquers all, and the good or what we see as our side never wins.

In my case, there is this woman, whom is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. I love her more than words can say, was lucky enough to marry this woman almost 5 years ago, and was blessed when we had an amazing little boy 2 years later. She is so beautiful, I could honestly go the rest of my life knowing that I have seen Gods most beautiful creation in front of me and knowing that I have been in Gods most beautiful creation's presence. God broke the mold when he created this beautiful woman.

We separated in January due me letting something take over my life. And now, once again, I find myself putting my wants first. Wanting to just take time and fix things, no matter how long it takes, when I dont know that I have even asked her once what she wants. Her happiness comes first to me next to God. I would say that my son comes first but, I have not seen him in 3 months and am almost sure that when I do finally see him again, he wont know or want anything to do with his dad. Which hurts like hell, but I deserve it.

I dont know what I would do if I had to let it sink in that she had moved on or found someone else. I have already lost everything except living and breathing, and I dont know what I would do if that were to happen. When we met, or started dating, or very short there after, we knew we were soul mates and were meant for each other. Then almost a decade later, I shattered everything.

We still see each other maybe once every week or two, and we sometimes spend the night together. We either meet up or she comes and gets me and we have dinner, watch a movie, sometimes cuddle, most of the time sex is involved. There is still a strong connection, or at least I feel that there is. Before we leave the house, we hug each other, hold each other, kiss like its our first kiss holding each other tight when we do that, and then its back to life outside of that.

I know that her parents hate me, and she does not want to deal with that if she were to say we are getting back together, so I keep my distance. I am trying to give her space.

She tells me she loves me, and I love her. But maybe I am just naive, a hopeless romantic still in love, or just an idiot. I know that most men would say sack up, or that I am a wuss. But I'm far from that. Played football and baseball in college, competed in mma for 6 years, still teach kempo at a dojo nearby. I just love this woman.

Why do I do this? I feel like i know what I need to do, But knowing and doing are different. God, Please help me with this.

[Satu]

What did you do that so alienated her family?

 

Your post is heavy with sentimentality, but light on content.

 

Whenever I hear someone talking about "fighting" for someone, it always makes me wonder what they mean...

 

Who do you fight, and with which weapons?

 

Very often, it seems to be case that this "fighting for" just means an attempt to persuade someone who doesn't want to be with them, to want to be with them.

 

I see that is a big problem.

 

Our wants are mostly determined by internal processes, often below the level of conscious thought.

 

We have no easy access to the internal processes of others, and thats probably a good thing...

 

But those processes do involve perception.

 

The person you speak about sees you, hears you, but doesn't want to be with you.

 

Why is that, exactly?

 

What did you do?

[entitydriven]

Sorry Satu,

 

I just sat down and started writing and didnt want to write a 3 page post. Just felt less would be compelled to read and advise. I had tommy john surgery twice over the last two years and was in a car accident that led to me being prescribed prescription pain killers. I was addicted to them, and over the course of a few months, lied to her about spending a lot of money on them. I am no longer taking them, have gotten help since and I guess would be considered a recovering addict. But, when she and I sat down and talked about it one night, I told her the truth, and that was it. First time I had ever lied or hidden anything from her. She moved in with her parents. I wrote them a letter telling them about my problem, and she then told them about it. And it was an automatic scarlet letter.

I became very vocal about it within our community and have actually headed a few programs speaking out to those who are currently addicted to them. Which does not justify what happened or what I did, just letting you know where I am currently.

I understand the point that you make by the word fight. It is just the word that I know to use. Because I would go through anything for this woman, I say fight. That is the only way i can describe what I meant.

And she has told me that she wants to be with me. Her words, "Baby, I want to be with you so bad, but I cant."

 

I hope that I did not add more confusion. And thank you so much for your response, and for any future response. They are greatly appreciated.

[Satu]

Sorry Satu,

 

I just sat down and started writing and didnt want to write a 3 page post. Just felt less would be compelled to read and advise. I had tommy john surgery twice over the last two years and was in a car accident that led to me being prescribed prescription pain killers. I was addicted to them, and over the course of a few months, lied to her about spending a lot of money on them. I am no longer taking them, have gotten help since and I guess would be considered a recovering addict. But, when she and I sat down and talked about it one night, I told her the truth, and that was it. First time I had ever lied or hidden anything from her. She moved in with her parents. I wrote them a letter telling them about my problem, and she then told them about it. And it was an automatic scarlet letter.

I became very vocal about it within our community and have actually headed a few programs speaking out to those who are currently addicted to them. Which does not justify what happened or what I did, just letting you know where I am currently.

I understand the point that you make by the word fight. It is just the word that I know to use. Because I would go through anything for this woman, I say fight. That is the only way i can describe what I meant.

And she has told me that she wants to be with me. Her words, "Baby, I want to be with you so bad, but I cant."

 

I hope that I did not add more confusion. And thank you so much for your response, and for any future response. They are greatly appreciated.

Thanks for the explanation.

 

I don't really see why you telling her the truth, means that you and she can't be together; especially since you're no longer using. Giving up an addiction is a big thing.

 

I commend you for it.

 

All you can do is carry on living life, with good intentions and goodwill.

 

That's all any of us can do.

 

Who knows what comes next...

 

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.