DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 I was living with someone for 2 years, a while ago. During that time, he was in constant contact with another woman from his country, which both he and she claimed to be just friends. Well...I found out now (5 years later) they're married. I recently asked him for closure. I needed to know and understand, that what i was thinking was incorrect (He wasn't with me on the grounds to get his papers). However, he still said, he wasn't, and that he did love me. Well..then i found out, he's with the girl whom they both claimed to be just friends. I sent him a message, saying that i think he's manipulative liar, and that i will never think of him again. Even though it's been a few years later, it's still disgusting what a liar he is. I just had to tell him what i thought of him, or should I not have done that? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 So you are clearly not over it, if you still harbour resentment about his lies, right? Closure is something you achieve for yourself. It can never be given to you by an ex. Closure is something you are going to have to give yourself by getting over this. Quit carrying the resentment. You were duped. You got off lightly. Luckily, you never had a kid with this guy, bought a house with him, a car, or committed to anything permanent, financial or constructive., Let it go, and move on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 I did let it go! Part of me letting go, was getting the truth, and telling him what i think of him. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 No. If you'd let it go, you would never have felt the need to contact him and tell him what you thought. You think he didn't already know? You think he didn't know what he was doing was wrong? You think he cares? Of course not! He repeatedly lied to you. That shows a total lack of respect, a complete breach of trust and an entire disregard for your happiness or feelings. Telling him what you thought was to give yourself closure, but here's the thing - he didn't give a fiddler's elbow then, and after all this time, he cares even less, now. The truth will never come out for you, because lying is easier. You're still mad at him, and at how much time you wasted with the jerk. Now? NOW - get closure, and move on, for good. Don't give it another thought. Think you can do that..? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 You do indeed get (or can get) closure thru human interaction with the object of your suffering, so I think it was fine DD. Do you feel any better for it? Hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 Now that i told him, what i think of him, and trust me, he does care what i think of him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have explained to me to this day, that he wasn't with me for papers. However, now that i told him how i feel about him. I no longer will think of him again. I just wanted to know if I should tell him what i think of him or keep it to myself, but i already told him, and now, yes NOW, I have peace. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 You do indeed get (or can get) closure thru human interaction with the object of your suffering, so I think it was fine DD. Do you feel any better for it? Hugs. Exactly! Thank you Jen! Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 I did let it go! Part of me letting go, was getting the truth, and telling him what i think of him. And what did he say when you told him what you thought of him? Did it truly make you feel better? Do you expect something from him now? Because closure comes within. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 And what did he say when you told him what you thought of him? Did it truly make you feel better? Do you expect something from him now? Because closure comes within. I sent it this morning, and i am not expecting a reply. It honestly made me feel better yes. I don't care if he does or doesn't reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 P.S I already got the truth, I saw him with the "other woman". She's not as pretty as I am I tell ya, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 "Prettiness" doesn't mean anything. Prince Charles has married his childhood sweetheart, and compared to Princess Diana, she is most certainly not a good-looking woman. But they are much happier together than he and Diana ever were. So sorry, but looks really aren't everything. Just because you think her looks don't come up to yours doesn't mean anything. He's with her, he was with her and was still in touch with her throughout your relationship with him. You were in effect 'the other woman'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) You were in effect 'the other woman'. I was not the other woman, after all I wasn't aware he had another woman, until after the fact, while SHE WAS AWARE he was with me, making HER THE OTHER WOMAN. [] Edited April 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) I was not the other woman, after all I wasn't aware he had another woman, until after the fact, while SHE WAS AWARE he was with me, making HER THE OTHER WOMAN. [] He was with her, before he met you. He knew her before he knew you. He therefore began an affair with you. Whether you were aware of her or not, makes no difference. Plenty of women have begun relationships with guys, believing them single, and only later discovered they were being lied to. That still makes them the other woman whether they were aware of the GF/wife, or not. Edited April 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed quote ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 LOL DD, I think it'd be smart to not worry about 'debating' anybody here about your resolution groove or whatever other particulars. If you're happy with it, that's all that matters. Trying to argue stuff just stresses you out, and that's the last thing you need. Just do your happy dance and get on with your day! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 You'll know if you're over him by how you respond to his reply. If you delete without reading it, then you're truly over him. If you take a peak into the email, it means you're still part of a vicious cycle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 He was with her, before he met you. He knew her before he knew you. He therefore began an affair with you. Whether you were aware of her or not, makes no difference. Plenty of women have begun relationships with guys, believing them single, and only later discovered they were being lied to. That still makes them the other woman whether they were aware of the GF/wife, or not. It certainly makes a difference whether someone knows the other person is single or not, at least in that you're not knowingly hurting the wife or trying to get with a married person. It's probably even worse because she had no choice in being the other woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 It certainly makes a difference whether someone knows the other person is single or not, at least in that you're not knowingly hurting the wife or trying to get with a married person. It's probably even worse because she had no choice in being the other woman. Regardless, they were made for each other, and I was made for someone better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) It certainly makes a difference whether someone knows the other person is single or not, at least in that you're not knowingly hurting the wife or trying to get with a married person. It's probably even worse because she had no choice in being the other woman. I completely agree. As I said, many women have been lied to. Many women have been upset, hurt and disrespected by the behaviour of these men, which is frankly, both heinous and unforgivable. My point is that unwittingly, unknowingly and very sadly - she WAS "the other woman". [] Edited April 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clean up ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 I think I mentioned a while ago that you dodged a bullet......? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 (((DatingDirection))) I get why you needed to say something. You wanted him to know that you knew his secret. Like another poster said looks aren't everything. Your ex definitely has acted like a real schmuck. I would say his insides are pretty nasty. It does sound like both you and his now wife have both been duped by the same man. Which is more a reflection of who he is than anyone else in this situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 (((DatingDirection))) It does sound like both you and his now wife have both been duped by the same man. Which is more a reflection of who he is than anyone else in this situation. Exactly, she's such a fool too. If he had feelings for her, while he was with me, why wouldn't he do that to her too?! Also, years ago when i emailed her, asking her if he was sending her flirtatious emails, she said that they were just friends. So, now he's with the woman whom with he duped?? What fools. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 Exactly, she's such a fool too. If he had feelings for her, while he was with me, why wouldn't he do that to her too?! Also, years ago when i emailed her, asking her if he was sending her flirtatious emails, she said that they were just friends. So, now he's with the woman whom with he duped?? What fools. He most likely will. I have a friend who has dated a man for 7 years and around her 6th year with him she discovered he had moved in with someone during their courtship. Now he has left the woman he was living with for her, but is still keeping in contact with the woman he left. It's unreal I just honestly cannot believe the flip flopping that goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
2016forme Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 I was living with someone for 2 years, a while ago. During that time, he was in constant contact with another woman from his country, which both he and she claimed to be just friends. Well...I found out now (5 years later) they're married. I recently asked him for closure. I needed to know and understand, that what i was thinking was incorrect (He wasn't with me on the grounds to get his papers). However, he still said, he wasn't, and that he did love me. Well..then i found out, he's with the girl whom they both claimed to be just friends. I sent him a message, saying that i think he's manipulative liar, and that i will never think of him again. Even though it's been a few years later, it's still disgusting what a liar he is. I just had to tell him what i thought of him, or should I not have done that? We can only go so far on this website to express our deepest sympathy in knowing that you have had a bad experience with someone who lied and manipulated you. This guy was already married to the other lady. It is too bad you had to find out the hard way. You emailing your ex only shows that you are not completely over the bad situation. Does emailing or having any contact with him (just to show your disgust with him) really do you any justice? Even though you want to get some steam off your chest? If that helps you, then good luck. Contacting him just makes him believe that you are still thinking about him. Don't let him get the upper hand on you. Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted April 22, 2016 Share Posted April 22, 2016 You emailing your ex only shows that you are not completely over the bad situation. Does emailing or having any contact with him (just to show your disgust with him) really do you any justice? Even though you want to get some steam off your chest? OP, as everyone says, it is true that closure only comes from within; but you should also keep in mind that HOW you reach that closure depends on you. If "getting some steam off your chest" helps you, then that's your way to find closure. If you feel that by not emailing him, you only hold onto the anger inside of you, then emailing was a helpful outlet--you did the right thing for yourself. If that helps you, then good luck. Contacting him just makes him believe that you are still thinking about him. Don't let him get the upper hand on you. Whether the man gets the upper hand or lower hand is irrelevant. If OP is deciding on what to do based on how the man would react, then that by default is giving power to the man. OP has decided to have her say; now that it's off her mind, how the man deals with it is unimportant. Now OP can close that door and move on as she choses. When you have been hurt, it's not just helpful, but necessary to be able to say out loud "I have been hurt and you caused it"--there's power in being able to say that. It's not about seeking vengeance or an apology; it's about reclaiming that lost part of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DatingDirection Posted April 22, 2016 Author Share Posted April 22, 2016 When you have been hurt, it's not just helpful, but necessary to be able to say out loud "I have been hurt and you caused it"--there's power in being able to say that. It's not about seeking vengeance or an apology; it's about reclaiming that lost part of you. Thank you! If i could give this 100 likes i would! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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