Getting closure.

[2016forme]

OP, as everyone says, it is true that closure only comes from within; but you should also keep in mind that HOW you reach that closure depends on you.

If "getting some steam off your chest" helps you, then that's your way to find closure.

If you feel that by not emailing him, you only hold onto the anger inside of you, then emailing was a helpful outlet--you did the right thing for yourself.

 

 

 

Whether the man gets the upper hand or lower hand is irrelevant. If OP is deciding on what to do based on how the man would react, then that by default is giving power to the man.

 

OP has decided to have her say; now that it's off her mind, how the man deals with it is unimportant.

Now OP can close that door and move on as she choses.

 

When you have been hurt, it's not just helpful, but necessary to be able to say out loud "I have been hurt and you caused it"--there's power in being able to say that. It's not about seeking vengeance or an apology; it's about reclaiming that lost part of you.

 

A person can express their hurt and pain in more ways than one. I'm not saying that she was wrong in expressing the deception and betrayal. But as someone just mentioned, the guy is married. He's living the life he wants to live. Sure, it's not fair that he was a dog and choose to deceive the person he was living with. Nobody, and I do mean, nobody deserves that treatment!

 

But, are you going to let someone who is way off in another country who is married to someone else, dictate your feelings and emotions? Who cares if that guy " let himself go....his wife is not good looking, etc" That's not even the point I am trying to make.

 

What I'm trying to say is its not really necessary for the young lady to have any contact with the former guy! Period! She is finished already! We already know that peeps like him could care less about the damage he has done. Do you think that what this person says over here is going to influence and make a huge difference in that guy's life?! Absolutely not! I know tons of people who have been in that person's shoes.People handle situations like this in their own special way. Change doesn't happen overnight. But moving forward is what counts! Peace!

[Hazyhead]

I agree, he isn't going to tell you anything that will help you be over the mess once and for all, you have to find this for yourself and the best way is never contacting him again. He's not worth it. Put it in a box, tell yourself you're better off, and move forward counting yourself lucky. Make lots of distractions, surround yourself with those who love you and your closure is a better life without him.

[burnt]

A person can express their hurt and pain in more ways than one. I'm not saying that she was wrong in expressing the deception and betrayal. But as someone just mentioned, the guy is married. He's living the life he wants to live. Sure, it's not fair that he was a dog and choose to deceive the person he was living with. Nobody, and I do mean, nobody deserves that treatment!

 

I absolutely agree with the bolded above. But so ironically, I am trying to make the same exact point--there is NO prescribed right or wrong way we gain closure. It depends on the particular individual.

Therefore, while *you* may not feel that contacting a married man is the best way to achieve closure,

IF OP feels that she gains peace by contacting him, then that's the 'right' method for her--not everybody, just her.

 

But, are you going to let someone who is way off in another country who is married to someone else, dictate your feelings and emotions? Who cares if that guy " let himself go....his wife is not good looking, etc" That's not even the point I am trying to make.

Whether the guy is married or not, whether he lives happily in another country or not--all is irrelevant.

 

OP felt she was wronged.

She needed to speak up.

 

What I'm trying to say is its not really necessary for the young lady to have any contact with the former guy! Period! She is finished already! We already know that peeps like him could care less about the damage he has done. Do you think that what this person says over here is going to influence and make a huge difference in that guy's life?! Absolutely not! I know tons of people who have been in that person's shoes.People handle situations like this in their own special way. Change doesn't happen overnight. But moving forward is what counts! Peace!

 

Ever heard of those stories where a child was abused or molested and years later, all they want is to be able to look at the abuser and speak up? For some people, that chance to speak up is *necessary* to close the door behind to finally move on.

 

OP feels she was betrayed--she is clearly not trying to start a relationship with the guy or to ruin his marriage or even ask for any response back.

 

2016forme , you say, "people handle things in their own special way". Well guess what, OP is handling this in HER own special way.

 

Nowhere has she indicated that she's expecting change overnight.

I get the feeling reading her post that she is moving forward. She just needed to get this one last splinter off her mind.

[jen1447]

But so ironically, I am trying to make the same exact point--there is NO prescribed right or wrong way we gain closure. It depends on the particular individual.

Therefore, while *you* may not feel that contacting a married man is the best way to achieve closure,

IF OP feels that she gains peace by contacting him, then that's the 'right' method for her--not everybody, just her.

 

That's pretty much it right there. Saying you don't need closure is fine, but mainly just for you and ppl like you since you can't be inside everyone's head to see what they really need.

[2016forme]

I absolutely agree with the bolded above. But so ironically, I am trying to make the same exact point--there is NO prescribed right or wrong way we gain closure. It depends on the particular individual.

Therefore, while *you* may not feel that contacting a married man is the best way to achieve closure,

IF OP feels that she gains peace by contacting him, then that's the 'right' method for her--not everybody, just her.

 

 

Whether the guy is married or not, whether he lives happily in another country or not--all is irrelevant.

 

OP felt she was wronged.

She needed to speak up.

 

 

 

Ever heard of those stories where a child was abused or molested and years later, all they want is to be able to look at the abuser and speak up? For some people, that chance to speak up is *necessary* to close the door behind to finally move on.

 

OP feels she was betrayed--she is clearly not trying to start a relationship with the guy or to ruin his marriage or even ask for any response back.

 

2016forme , you say, "people handle things in their own special way". Well guess what, OP is handling this in HER own special way.

 

Nowhere has she indicated that she's expecting change overnight.

I get the feeling reading her post that she is moving forward. She just needed to get this one last splinter off her mind.

 

There is nothing wrong that this person let steam off her chest. But are you going to let something like this dictate your entire life?

 

I have seen people's lives change for the better. Some have changed for the worst.Some people have been so upset till some things can drive a person up the wall. For example, I have seen how people cope and handle some of life's best or worst situations.

 

Some people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Some people have to take anti depressants just to cope or deal with life.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that this situation is not worth "crying over"spilled milk".

 

It all depends upon your approach, your attitude and your disposition. Having a certain outlook towards life really matters.

 

The key is to encourage, uplift and support one another. Nobody cares how this guy had a game going on and how he is married to someone else way on the other side of world.

 

That person is living their life.So should you. And that's keeping it real.

 

Peace to you.

Edited April 23, 2016 by 2016forme

[DatingDirection]

"Ever heard of those stories where a child was abused or molested and years later, all they want is to be able to look at the abuser and speak up? For some people, that chance to speak up is *necessary* to close the door behind to finally move on.

 

OP feels she was betrayed--she is clearly not trying to start a relationship with the guy or to ruin his marriage or even ask for any response back.

 

2016forme , you say, "people handle things in their own special way". Well guess what, OP is handling this in HER own special way.

 

Nowhere has she indicated that she's expecting change overnight.

I get the feeling reading her post that she is moving forward. She just needed to get this one last splinter off her mind"

 

Thank you. That's all that I wanted. I only wanted to confront him, stand up for myself, and move on. After all, he was abusive and manipulative. Quit frankly, that's all i needed to cut the cords with him, that and forgiveness for myself and for him. That's all.

[2016forme]

"Ever heard of those stories where a child was abused or molested and years later, all they want is to be able to look at the abuser and speak up? For some people, that chance to speak up is *necessary* to close the door behind to finally move on.

 

OP feels she was betrayed--she is clearly not trying to start a relationship with the guy or to ruin his marriage or even ask for any response back.

 

2016forme , you say, "people handle things in their own special way". Well guess what, OP is handling this in HER own special way.

 

Nowhere has she indicated that she's expecting change overnight.

I get the feeling reading her post that she is moving forward. She just needed to get this one last splinter off her mind"

 

Thank you. That's all that I wanted. I only wanted to confront him, stand up for myself, and move on. After all, he was abusive and manipulative. Quit frankly, that's all i needed to cut the cords with him, that and forgiveness for myself and for him. That's all.

 

Hello datingdirection,

 

I'm still happy that you are picking up the pieces and finding closure in your life. All I was saying is that you can pick and choose to bring closure to your life however way you want. But what ever you do, just be cautious. Sometimes our actions speak way LOUDER than our words. Sometimes we may let the steam off of our chest.

 

Sometimes our actions and words can dictate who we really are.

 

Never let a situation control you.

 

You don't want something to stay on your heart for SO long till it will send your mind into a tailspin.

 

Even though I have seen worse situations, what you did was harmless.

 

YOU have control over YOUR emotions. Nobody can do that except for you. And thats keeping It real.

 

For example, I have seen many different people hurt by many different situations. People can let the situation win them over or they can defeat the situation in a manner that suits them and everyone else.

 

I have seen how some people live or die with their anger, hurt or betrayal affecting them. Some people walk around" with a chip on their shoulder mad at the world. "

 

I am not saying that this describes you and your situation. I am solely giving you an example of how life really is.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I will tell you that the guy was absolutely wrong in abusing you! He had no right to do that! You didn't deserve that at all. Period!

 

Yes, I will admit that no one quite frankly cares about the life that guy is living. In fact, he feels no remorse about what he did and how bad he treated you.

 

It is like when a human mistreats a dog, pretty soon, it will turn against you.

 

Now is the time to let bygones be bygones.

 

That guy is far away from you and out of your life. You can celebrate and rejoice over that.

 

You can now find peace and happiness within yourself.

 

If you have a positive attitude and a great disposition in life, you will make it.

We are here to encourage, to uplift and support you.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

"Keep your head to the sky....." Earth Wind and Fire.

Edited April 24, 2016 by 2016forme

[jen1447]

2016, I know your heart's in the right place and your trying to be helpful, but a lot of the time the rah-rah, "just decide to do x-y-z," "it's all mind over matter" stuff is a bit patronizing bc it assumes a basis of frame-of-mind that not everyone possesses or can even get to, and it assumes that all level of injury is bscly the same and exists in the category of 'easy to get over' or at least doable. Unfortunately those are bad assumptions - heartbreak trauma can vary a lot from person to person based on their vulnerabilities, their mindset, even their biology most likely. It's simply not always just a matter of adopting a workable mindset and taking it head-on. That's why it's important to let ppl find their way and deal using methods that work for them. That can include stuff that not all of us think are good ideas or that we'd use personally, but we have to be tolerant of other points of view on this and accept that ppl are just different and self-help solutions simply aren't practical or applicable for all.

[2016forme]

2016, I know your heart's in the right place and your trying to be helpful, but a lot of the time the rah-rah, "just decide to do x-y-z," "it's all mind over matter" stuff is a bit patronizing bc it assumes a basis of frame-of-mind that not everyone possesses or can even get to, and it assumes that all level of injury is bscly the same and exists in the category of 'easy to get over' or at least doable. Unfortunately those are bad assumptions - heartbreak trauma can vary a lot from person to person based on their vulnerabilities, their mindset, even their biology most likely. It's simply not always just a matter of adopting a workable mindset and taking it head-on. That's why it's important to let ppl find their way and deal using methods that work for them. That can include stuff that not all of us think are good ideas or that we'd use personally, but we have to be tolerant of other points of view on this and accept that ppl are just different and self-help solutions simply aren't practical or applicable

 

You didn't read my post too well. I don't have time to make assumptions. Just know that every one of us thinks things differently.

 

I have a different thought process than you. And the way you handle things is your way.

 

But one thing for sure is that you have to look at reality aside from what is posted on this website.

 

People come here to this forum to share their experiences. That's cool.

 

But aside from that, there is such a thing called real life. And that applies to you, me and everyone else.

 

I was not saying that the person did something wrong. They didn't! How they handlled the situation was they saw what was fit for their needs. That's fine too.

 

On the flip side, that's THEIR life.Not yours. So let it be.

 

I'm not the one to debate and argue over issues that affects just one person. But I am going to speak my piece just like anyone else here.

 

There are a ton of stories and real life experiences that I don't have time to discuss on this website.

 

I'm only going to tell the truth. A person, and it doesn't matter who you are, cannot let all past things/experiences dictate their entire life. For example, stuff will blow your mind and send you in a tailspin. I have seen people's minds get totally messed up over one or more things. Then what can they do? It's all in the way you handle things too that makes a difference.

 

The storm is over now.

 

Trouble don't last always.

 

"Wakeup everybody, no more sleeping in bed...no more backwards thinking time for thinking ahead. ..." Teddy Pendergrass.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I understand the frustration of not being able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you don't own a pair of boots. But don't worry, in time you will get another pair. I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you the best.

 

OL

[LivingWaterPlease]

"Prettiness" doesn't mean anything.

 

Prince Charles has married his childhood sweetheart, and compared to Princess Diana, she is most certainly not a good-looking woman. But they are much happier together than he and Diana ever were.

 

So sorry, but looks really aren't everything. Just because you think her looks don't come up to yours doesn't mean anything.

He's with her, he was with her and was still in touch with her throughout your relationship with him.

You were in effect 'the other woman'.

 

While it is true that beauty of face, form and figure are not the only things that matter in a woman; anyone who thinks beauty or "prettiness" as you put it, doesn't mean anything may want to consider that men (and many women) are visual creatures and beauty of appearance is often one of the first ways a man is attracted to a woman.

 

Beauty is also valued very highly in the society we live in. Witness the expense the media places in models they hire, choosing beautiful ones and photoshopping the models to their idea of perfection; the amount of money spent on cosmetics, plastic surgery, etc.

 

As to Camilla vs. Diana; apples and oranges. Camilla has very nice facial bone structure. Her style is understated and she was older than Diana. Those are two of the reasons the perception of her beauty may be considered by some to be less than that of Diana's.

 

OP has been through a terrible ordeal in which she was lied to and mislead. Although facing reality is important in her recovery, every bit of encouragement and recognition of what she has to offer as a woman and a person is warranted, it seems to me, from folks who want to be supportive of her initiative to move on in her life.

 

So, I encourage OP to continue to be thankful for her beauty!

 

Wishing you wonderful things ahead and sharing your gratitude that you've been gifted with beauty, always an asset!

Edited April 25, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[DatingDirection]

Thank you for all the posts. Since breaking up with him, I have changed my entire life actually. This was just something I needed to do for myself.

 

I've even made connections with people whom I've connected better with. I've even had way better sex then when I was with him.

 

I'm working out each day, which helps me clear my mind, and i've gotten in amazing shape. Still working on that too, but I've always wanted to be lean and muscular to show my inner strength through my outer appearance. So those are the boots I've got, or shall i say running shoes! I am thankful for all that i have.