Friend in a bad relationship

[Cooper04]

Not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum, but here goes.

 

My best friend has been with his girlfriend for about 6 years. I've known him for 3-4 years.

They're both in their early thirties, attractive, succesful, highly educated, resourceful people. However, their relationship seems terrible. About a year ago he tried to end it, living on my couch for few days, but they ended up staying together.

He told me they had sex about once every 3 months at this point.

Though I like them both individually, I can't stand being with them together. There is constant sniping, bitching, arguing, and almost all of it is coming from my friend. I won't mention any details, but he puts her down, ridicules her every thought, everything she says is "nagging" and just overall really mean stuff that clearly upsets her.

I never confront him about it in front of her, but I bring it up when I'm alone with him. His defense is always the same, I don't see what she's like when they're alone, she's always bitching at him, she's putting him down etc, bascially exactly what I'm accusing him of.

And to be fair, I have witnessed behaviour from her as well that I wouldn't put up with from a girlfriend.

 

After they got back together last year(the split lasted 2 days), they decided that the way forward was to have a child.. I thought at the time that was a really bad idea, but held my tongue. She quickly got pregnant.

To compound the misery, the child was born a month premature and with a severe mental handicap. He will require round-the-clock care for the rest of his life.

Needless to say, this has put even more pressure on an already fragile relationship. The child is now 2 months old.

He went out partying for two days in a row this week, and he just called me asking if he could sleep at my place tonight as she's kicked him out of the house because of the drinking.

 

I don't know how to handle the situation.. Should I stay out of it? I've told him in the past he should end it, but he never listened. And she, who in my view is the victim of abuse, has always been the one that kept them together in the past when he wanted out.

With the kid, I don't want to do anything to push them apart, though I deep down do not believe they should be together.

 

Any advice on what I can do here?

[Babs22]

This is a horribly sad story. It sounds like these two people should not be together and then to compound the misery they had a child together and the child is handicapped and will need lots of care. The best thing that can happen to any of them is for them to get divorced. I understand that they have a child with special needs, but the child needs a stress free home. That is never going to happen while they are together. I actually think the best thing that can happen to your friend's wife is for your friend to divorce her. She can then move forward.

 

What do you do? I suppose support your friend the best that you can. I would probably be encouraging him to get a divorce. Let him know everything will be Okay even if he gets a divorce. Most marriages do not survive when there is a child with a disability. It is incredibly stressful. The child is going to need both parents to be at the top of their game. They cannot be there for him if they are too busy tearing each other apart.

[ChickiePops]

Not to sound heartless..but you do nothing. It's not your situation to handle, and if you interfere he might blame you if things go badly and your friendship might not recover. Just be there for your friend. That's all you can and should do.