internet romance

[gina73]

Hi,

 

I never thought i would be involved with someone over the internet, but it happened.

 

I answered a personal ad to a guy out in california ( i live in the midwest), he answered back, we exchanged pictures, and have been in regular contact for over a month now, via phone calls and e-mail.

 

I made flight reservations to go out and see him and we would "test the water" so to speak, however my flights aren`t for another six weeks.

 

We spoke on the phone a few days ago and he confessed that he had sex with a gal he had met in the bar on saturday night. Now I`m hurt, but did not let him know how i felt about it. I really have fallen for this guy and think about him all the time, but cant help feeling hurt. he says he loves me and i tell him the same, we feel spiritually connected even though we have never met.

 

On one hand i feel foolish for being jealous about this because we have never met, but then again, i want to tell him how i really feel (then i risk losing him totally, as our "relationship" isnt but through phone contact and email, so there is no solid ground to stand on, know what i mean?).......i didnt email him today, and he emailed me saying he misses talking to me on the phone, and to call him this evening.

 

I`m going crazy!!!!I honestly never thought i could get involved with someone like this. It bothers me that he could go to a bar and just pick up some gal and be intimate like that (he said he wasnt going to see her again). Is this a red flag to tell me to move on, or should i just ignore the fact that he was with someone? what should i do???should i pursue him and see how it goes when i do finally meet him??...HELP!!!!!!

 

sincerely, Gina

[Tammie]

Hi Gina-

 

I am back to dating, and have tried the internet thing, along with many of my friends. I have listened through the happy and horror stories, and am living my own, too.

 

The internet has definately changed the dating scene and relationships in general. It creates these intense feelings and bonds. But you really never know what the other person is thinking, or how they really feel, even if they type it out in words.

 

This is just my opinion, but how can you really be sure he is honest with you about anything? Since you two live so far away, how do you know he is not married or living with someone? How do you know the photos he sent you are recent? Or even of him?

 

There is a lot of dishonesty out there, in person and on the internet, but it's much easier to lie on the net/ on the phone.

 

You need to be really, really careful when you are emailing a guy that lives so far away from you. I would try to keep the distance within 50 miles (remember reading that from Tony (thanks!)), because to really get to know someone, you have to spend 'real time' with them, in person.

 

He could just 'disappear' one day from emailing, change his #, and assume another identity, while you are left wondering what happened to your close friend/ love.

 

Chances are, he is probably emailing other women, which is probably something you might want to do, so that you can feel more comfortable with communicating.

 

Check out this site on internet dating. It was also on A&E: www.wildxangel.com. Lots of things in internet relationships. I learned a LOT.

 

OK, to sort of answer your question, so, IMHO, ...if he really IS telling you the truth, do you really want to get involved with a person who would pull a one night stand?

 

You may be feeling 'honored' (and feeling closer to him?) like he is confessing or being honest with you to tell you such a thing...but I think this could be a horrible heartache for you. You should NOT pursue this guy. This sounds like a HUGE red light.

 

Good luck.

[gina73]

Thanks Tammy for the input!!I dont know, i`m so confused, it creates alot of anxiety, i.e. wondering what that person is doing when you are so far away..it is soooo wierd, like i stated in my letter , i honestly never thought i would get involved with someone over the net, what scares me is that the feelings i have for him are as strong as if we WERE lovers, but just temporarily separated!!!!how can that be with someone you have never met???.......thanks again tammy...any other advice would be great out there!!!!.....Gina

[clia]

I've done the Internet thing too, but only with guys in my area, and I have some stories similar to the one Tammie posted. Guys who sounded great on the phone were seldom great in person.

 

Anyway, I just have a few things to say:

 

I think that HE should be visiting YOU the first time. Sure, maybe California is a little more exciting than the Midwest, but summer's coming up. Any guy who had a deep interest in meeting you wouldn't mind coughing up 300 bucks for a plane ticket to meet wonderful you. You would be on your own turf and could meet him with your friends around. You're the one being inconvenienced here. Did he pay for part of your ticket? Or do you have friends near where he lives who you were planning on visiting anyway? I just wonder why you're going out of your way to come see him and he's out screwing other girls.

 

I certainly hope you are planning to stay in a hotel out in CA and not with him. I mean, what if you get there and he's creepy? Then you're stuck staying with him. (And personally, I think that would be a weird situation anyway. I mean, regardless of how many times you've spoken to him on the phone or e-mailed him, this guy is a stranger to you.) And what if you just don't like him? If you're in a hotel at least you can ditch him and do your own thing for the rest of your vacation.

 

I think it's great that he was honest with you about having sex over the weekend. Sure, you're hurt, but you two really have no commitment at this point in time. He is entitled to do whatever he feels like, no matter how low it is. The fact that he told you is a good sign of his character. I mean, he could've not told you at all.

 

It worries me that you two seem to be saying the love word. The fact is, you cannot be in love with someone you've never met in person. You can like them and think they seem like a cool person, but love is a lot more than a voice on the phone or a few sentences in an e-mail. I'd question any guy who was telling me he loved me after a month, especially if he'd never met me.

 

You also need to think about this realistically. Say you do go out there, the two of you meet and get along splendidly. Then what? You live 2,000 miles apart. You can't date and cannot have a 'normal' relationship. Starting a relationship with that much distance is next to impossible. You'll miss all the daily events in his life, and when you do get together, you'll feel pressured to make everything all hearts and roses. You really could be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. (And if he's out screwing random girls, he may not be ready to settle down and be committed to someone who lives so far away.) Believe me, this is not the only guy out there for you.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT have sex with him when you go out there, no matter how drunk you get, no matter how much you want to. Make him wait. (Imagine this scenario: You go out there, hit it off, sleep together, then you go home and he never calls or e-mails you again. How will you feel then? You really don't know what his agenda is yet, until you've gotten to know him a little better.) If he really is the guy for you, he won't mind waiting a little bit.

 

Anyway, BE CAREFUL when you go out there. Maybe you should take a friend along for back up. (I know I would never do what you're planning to do, but that's just me. And I live in CA, so I know how some of the guys are out here.)

[Dragonflys]

Hi Gina

 

I agree with Tammy and Gina. It is NOT possible to properly fall in love with someone you have never met, and especially after just one month. Travelling all that way to set up some kind of long distance relationship is crazy too, especially given his liking to one night stands.

 

He is doing nothing wrong at all, and neither are you, but you need to question your neediness here based on what I said above. If you really feel a special connection with him you have never felt before you would need to weigh up yourself whether it is worth it. Go with your gut feeling here.

 

I just can't help thinking you would surely want something a little deeper than this...

 

Good luck!

 

Oliver

Hi, I never thought i would be involved with someone over the internet, but it happened. I answered a personal ad to a guy out in california ( i live in the midwest), he answered back, we exchanged pictures, and have been in regular contact for over a month now, via phone calls and e-mail. I made flight reservations to go out and see him and we would "test the water" so to speak, however my flights aren`t for another six weeks. We spoke on the phone a few days ago and he confessed that he had sex with a gal he had met in the bar on saturday night. Now I`m hurt, but did not let him know how i felt about it. I really have fallen for this guy and think about him all the time, but cant help feeling hurt. he says he loves me and i tell him the same, we feel spiritually connected even though we have never met. On one hand i feel foolish for being jealous about this because we have never met, but then again, i want to tell him how i really feel (then i risk losing him totally, as our "relationship" isnt but through phone contact and email, so there is no solid ground to stand on, know what i mean?).......i didnt email him today, and he emailed me saying he misses talking to me on the phone, and to call him this evening. I`m going crazy!!!!I honestly never thought i could get involved with someone like this. It bothers me that he could go to a bar and just pick up some gal and be intimate like that (he said he wasnt going to see her again). Is this a red flag to tell me to move on, or should i just ignore the fact that he was with someone? what should i do???should i pursue him and see how it goes when i do finally meet him??...HELP!!!!!!

 

sincerely, Gina

[WGirl]

This is my feeling on long distance internet relationships. Most of the time, they don't work.

 

I have never been involved in one myself. If someone does not live about an hour away from me or less, I normally would not consider them dating material. It is too hard to see each other and maintain a relationship with that much distance. I have met people on-line that I liked but I know they live too far away and I am not going to be travelling across the country to see someone.

 

So if you meet this guy and you decide you like him, how often are you going to see each other? Think about that.

 

Is it worth giving up or missing out on other offers you may get to go out?

 

I can see why you were jealous about him being with the other woman because you seem to feel attached to him already. Did you ever make any kind of deal that you would not see other people? was it assumed?

 

I would not get your hopes up too high about this relationship. Leave your options open. Give yourself a chance to meet more available men. After all, you really don't know what he is doing thousands of miles away.

Hi, I never thought i would be involved with someone over the internet, but it happened. I answered a personal ad to a guy out in california ( i live in the midwest), he answered back, we exchanged pictures, and have been in regular contact for over a month now, via phone calls and e-mail. I made flight reservations to go out and see him and we would "test the water" so to speak, however my flights aren`t for another six weeks. We spoke on the phone a few days ago and he confessed that he had sex with a gal he had met in the bar on saturday night. Now I`m hurt, but did not let him know how i felt about it. I really have fallen for this guy and think about him all the time, but cant help feeling hurt. he says he loves me and i tell him the same, we feel spiritually connected even though we have never met. On one hand i feel foolish for being jealous about this because we have never met, but then again, i want to tell him how i really feel (then i risk losing him totally, as our "relationship" isnt but through phone contact and email, so there is no solid ground to stand on, know what i mean?).......i didnt email him today, and he emailed me saying he misses talking to me on the phone, and to call him this evening. I`m going crazy!!!!I honestly never thought i could get involved with someone like this. It bothers me that he could go to a bar and just pick up some gal and be intimate like that (he said he wasnt going to see her again). Is this a red flag to tell me to move on, or should i just ignore the fact that he was with someone? what should i do???should i pursue him and see how it goes when i do finally meet him??...HELP!!!!!!

 

sincerely, Gina

[Tony T]

Dear Gina:

 

YOU WRITE: "Is this a red flag to tell me to move on, or should i just ignore the fact that he was with someone?"

 

Nah!!! Not a red flag at all. After all, he just had sex with a lady. Remember he is ALL YOURS on the computer. I mean he is totally faithful cybersexually speaking, of course.

 

I'm sure you will understand that when you get him all worked up on the computer, he has to go out and find the real thing. It's only natural.

 

As long as it works this way, you don't have to worry about diseases...only computer viruses...unless they come up with some sexually transmitted computer virus and believe me the nerds are working feverishly on that.

 

You will never, ever be able to compete on the computer with an in person relationship. Get away from your computer and go find real love. If you have to find your honey on the Internet, make it a rule that if you don't meet the dude within 30 days of meeting on the net...it's over.

 

Do you have any idea how much heart time is wasted in cyberspace? Do you know just how many hearts are broken there?

 

This guy's a real jerk. And even dumb enough to want to hurt the hell out of you by making you aware of his sexual indiscretion. I mean not only is he a jerk, but he's a really stupid sociopath.

 

Take some time this weekend to contemplate a new strategy for finding love, on or off the Internet. I really don't want you to get hurt like this again.

 

Waste no time pursuing this lowlife scumbag. You're better off spending Saturday night at the movies with your computer mouse.

[gina73]

Thanks to all of you for helping me out!!I am just going to have to call it off, i just feel sick inside........I did phone him this evening and told him i did not approve of him having casual sex like that. he told me that he needed a "release" and that i should hurry up and get out there!!!!!he also stated that "most" of the guys he knows have MUCH more sex than he does....I`m just sickened by it all...also, he is having major trouble with living arrangements right now, had to move out of his place and in with a friend temporarily, and he started crying on the phone because his life is kinda in shambles right now...i am naturally a compassionate person and couldnt help feel sorry for him......after this, i am NEVER going to get involved via internet again!!!!!!I`m stressed out now......thanks everybody again.......love, Gina

 

[Dragonflys]

Don't feel jaded by this.

 

The internet is a wonderful place to meet great people who are just like you and I. I am proof of that and there are so many others who agree.

 

You just need to be more selective.

 

Firstly, don't even contact anyone who is outside say a 25 mile radius.

 

Secondly, choose only those who match your interests

 

Thirdly, don't take anything seriously until you meet and go on a few dates (you will experience people dropping out on you, but by the time you have gone on a few dates, you have a much better idea)

 

Try match.com, it's a great service that worked for me.

 

Here's my history

 

First date: Had a great date, but she only emailed me once after that to say that she didn't want to date right now. I feel she was just looking after someone different to me.

 

Second date: Had a good date but she was not my type, so I did basically what the first date did to me.

 

Third date: I met my match.

 

Of the 30 or so women that I emailed after seeing their profile, about 12 responded back once, 6 responded back twice, I dated three, have made three friends and lost the rest.

 

That's how it goes. I cannot expect better.

 

Oliver

[clia]

"he told me that he needed a "release"

 

Has he ever heard of masturbation?

 

"and that i should hurry up and get out there!!!!!"

 

Enough said. This guy is out for some bootie!

 

"he also stated that "most" of the guys he knows have MUCH more sex than he does...."

 

California guys...he must be from L.A. It's really quite strange how different they are than the guys from the Midwest. (I'm originally from the Midwest and trust me, this is a whole new experience. It seems like everyone out here is out to get laid and that's it.)

 

"he is having major trouble with living arrangements right now, had to move out of his place and in with a friend temporarily, and he started crying on the phone because his life is kinda in shambles right now..."

 

Waaa. You didn't say how old you guys are, but jeez, what a baby. I've been in 2 car accidents over the past month (both not my fault and with people with no insurance--nice) and my apartment is falling to pieces, but somehow I manage to keep it together. We all go through some stressful times. He clearly doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

"i am naturally a compassionate person and couldnt help feel sorry for him"

 

Don't do it...for all you know, he's playing you big time.

 

"I`m stressed out now......thanks everybody again.......love, Gina"

 

Gina, don't be stressed. Chalk it up to a learning experience. Let him go and find a guy near you. Don't feel sorry for him for a second! You have better things to do!

[Maximus318]

Hi, I never thought i would be involved with someone over the internet, but it happened. I answered a personal ad to a guy out in california ( i live in the midwest), he answered back, we exchanged pictures, and have been in regular contact for over a month now, via phone calls and e-mail. I made flight reservations to go out and see him and we would "test the water" so to speak, however my flights aren`t for another six weeks. We spoke on the phone a few days ago and he confessed that he had sex with a gal he had met in the bar on saturday night. Now I`m hurt, but did not let him know how i felt about it. I really have fallen for this guy and think about him all the time, but cant help feeling hurt. he says he loves me and i tell him the same, we feel spiritually connected even though we have never met. On one hand i feel foolish for being jealous about this because we have never met, but then again, i want to tell him how i really feel (then i risk losing him totally, as our "relationship" isnt but through phone contact and email, so there is no solid ground to stand on, know what i mean?).......i didnt email him today, and he emailed me saying he misses talking to me on the phone, and to call him this evening. I`m going crazy!!!!I honestly never thought i could get involved with someone like this. It bothers me that he could go to a bar and just pick up some gal and be intimate like that (he said he wasnt going to see her again). Is this a red flag to tell me to move on, or should i just ignore the fact that he was with someone? what should i do???should i pursue him and see how it goes when i do finally meet him??...HELP!!!!!!

 

sincerely, Gina

Hey,

 

I think you should just forget about him.

 

Maximus318

[Tammie]

Hi Clia-

 

I TOTALLY laughed when you said this guy must be from LA.

 

I was thinking the same thing. I'm in CA, too.

 

:-)

[Gina73]

Oh my!!!!!!this guy is from LA!!!!!!!you hit the nail on the head!!!what is it with people out there???oh, i am 28 and he is 30.......Gina

 

[clia]

Be careful with this guy. The boys out here are players with a capital P. L.A. is like another planet. It seems like no one out here is looking for anything remotely serious, just lots of random hook ups and playing around. The thing that's really funny, though, is that most of the people out here that I've met are originally not from L.A. They're either from the East coast or Midwest. I don't know...there must be something in the water here. (Or maybe it's the smog?) Either that or everyone just comes out here and lets loose after a morally correct upbringing. It's so different. You can't even imagine. I've decided that if I ever want to get married I'm going to have to move back to the Midwest to meet a decent guy. Watch out...I've seen this game before...