New here, tried to have an affair and got shot down by my crush

[AlwaysLooking]

Not sure exactly where to post this but since I'm having a hard time with my feelings this seemed like a good place as any. I have been married 33 years. I'm no spring chicken but I'm sure acting like a young foolish person. My husband is not who I want to be married to anymore for many reasons. In the 33 years we've been married I've had some one night stands and one emotional affair that went on for about two years. Because I don't feel appreciated in my marriage. We've been to numerous marriage counselors but nothing ever changes. I stay married because we have a child and I don't want her to come from a broken home and I have low self esteem and am not strong enough to leave. Now the latest drama is me falling for the realtor who just sold us a new house. I hinted around for months as my feelings grew and finally got the courage up to express my feelings to the realtor and he told me he would be my friend and that is all. He's just not attracted to me. I am crushed because these feelings I have are very real. I'm grieving the loss of this realtor. Even as I type this it sounds stupid and I know I have some serious issues. But just how to get through this time right now? We're still dealing with the realtor while he tries to sell our old house. I live for any contact with him but he doesn't want it and made it clear tonight. My husband is clueless. I am considering leaving my husband and renting my own house and continuing on with life. Really mourning the loss of the possibility of having a relationship with the realtor. Pretty depressed tonight. Thanks.

[sorano]

You should have ended it with your husband. but you ended up having affairs and one night stands.........Doesn't sit well with me. Hopefully someone else can help you out.

[AlwaysLooking]

There are lots of "should haves". It's much more complex than my little title and several paragraphs show. But now I'm just trying to cope with my feelings which is why I posted here.

[len51]

My first fiancee of 6 years cheated on me as did the girlfriend after her. I knew that my second girlfriend was cheating but I turned a blind eye to it since she overcompensated for it by giving me a lot of sex anyway I wanted it. However, we never developed an emotional bond due to her cheating. She thought I was clueless but I could sometimes taste a man's semen during oral sex or smell them on her.

 

One thing I have noticed when women cheat is that they shift the blame on the man. They cheated because of him. He drove her to cheat. It was not her fault, it was his. Your current crush reminds me of a married women who was after me but I was not sexually attracted to her. She started to leave roses on my doorstep and call every night to wish me a good night. I would get mail from her with little love notes and she called me at work. I ended up moving out of State the first chance I got. I worked in another State anyway, but this was the push I needed to move closer to my job. Sound familiar?

 

Staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids is not a good thing. They will be children of parents who do not love each other and view their marriage like yours. You are not doing them a favor by no loving their dad and cheating on him. They will learn how to be husbands and wives by watching their parents.

[Rachel39]

My sons dad had an affair it was the worst experience of my life ! It's just wrong.... There are no exscuses.

 

People always blame the other person when I think the issues lie with them.

[elaine567]

Like all "break ups" it is best you have no contact, so stay away from seeing the realtor in person and let your husband deal with him.

 

Seems like you have come to the its now or never place in your life. If you do not love your husband and have even cheated on him multiple times, then you have to seriously consider leaving so at the very least he can find someone who does actually want to be with him. I am sure he would be extremely hurt by your actions here.

Propositioning the realtor? What were you thinking?

As you are 33 years married, how old is the child you are staying married for?

Edited April 23, 2016 by elaine567
removed quote

[Satu]

What happened to your marriage?

[AlwaysLooking]

I'll try to condense here: met my husband right out of high school. He was my very first (and only) boyfriend. Got married right away. He asked and I said yes because I was afraid nobody else would ever ask again. Yes, I was and still am a very trouble insecure person. I had the one night stands after my husband tried to sleep with my sister. Many years went by, he is inconsiderate, rude and mean in a lot of little ways but I put up with it because of my low self esteem. I separated from him twice but went back each time after a year because I was lonely and didn't meet anybody else. Again, I know I'm a nutjob and you all don't need to point that out to me. Got pregnant when we'd been married 20 years. The child is 13. Marriage got really rough with arrival of new baby and the stress that goes along with rearing a child. I just kept putting up with everything, tried marriage counseling. The emotional affair has been a series of emails with a person at work, me just wanting somebody to take an interest in me. My husband is a selfish person who acts like he is single and just shares a house with us - certain rooms are "his", certain things are "his" and he rarely thinks about us before himsef. But did he "drive" me to do this? no, I am making these choices. I know it's on me. Why the realtor? Working closely with a person for months trying to find houses, there is a lot of contact. This person is single, attractive and is a very nice human. He's older than me, I'm not preying on a youngster. Realtor is 58 and I'm 52. He's considerate and kind and all the things my husband isn't. Yes I know the grass is always greener. But it was easy to fall for him. If I was already divorced and able to date, he's the type of man I would date. If I wasn't married he might have been interested. But anyway, the reason I'm posting here is because I have nobody to talk to about this. The rest of you, when something bad happened, when your spouse cheated, you had a support system and could talk openly to friends and family about it. I can't do that. I want to move past this and try to figure out what I'm doing and try to be a better person which would include not having affairs, being honest with myself, and if necessary, separating from my husband for a third and final time. Everybody thinks we are the perfect couple and part of me hasn't left again because it would upset everybody.

[bathtub-row]

I'll be honest with you, while I'm always in favor of leaving a bad marriage, leaving someone after being with them for that long will be very difficult on you and will in some ways be very traumatic. I know people do it. They decide that life is too short and there's not much left of theirs so they take the leap. But you seem to find it difficult to be on your own so, for you, leaving would probably be very hard on you, for years to come. Because you can't assume that you're going to find someone to fill this gap you're looking to fill and you have to consider what your life will be like living in your own. I personally like being on my own but I also understand that it's a lot of people's worst fear. My worst fear is being stuck in a bad relationship. So only you can decide. But you made the choice a long time ago to stay in this rotten marriage and that choice is impacting your life now more than ever.

 

You might want to google something like "I left my marriage after 30 years" and read other people's stories. It might help you. As far as your child is concerned, he already knows what things are like between the two of you so I doubt divorce would be a real shocker for him. He might actually like having a happy mom in his life for a change.

 

As far as the realtor is concerned, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You have to know that a lot of people don't want to get involved with a married person. It's just nothing but a big mistake. So you can't blame him for wanting nothing to do with that. However you also seem to be ignoring what he said to you -- that he's not attracted to you. I know it hurts to hear that but it sounds like to me that he meant it. I think if he were attracted to you, he would've jokingly said something like, "Oh, if you were only single." Sometimes, sweetie, the people we love don't love us back and we have to move on. It hurts a lot. I know. But if you stay away from the guy, you'll heal from this. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

[elaine567]

the reason I'm posting here is because I have nobody to talk to about this. The rest of you, when something bad happened, when your spouse cheated, you had a support system and could talk openly to friends and family about it. I can't do that.

 

That is not true, cheating is something that many find they cannot talk to friends and family about whether they are the OW(other woman)/OM (other man), or the BS(betrayed spouse), the former group wants to keep it all a secret as they are usually ashamed, and the latter group feels she/he has failed in her/his marriage, so also doesn't want to talk about it to their nearest and dearest.

[Satu]

OP:

 

I don't think you'll ever be really happy until you divorce your husband.

 

I don't mean separate, I mean divorce.

 

Neither of you are happy.

 

If you divorce, you'll not have the safety net of the marriage, but you'll be getting the chance of a real new start.

 

That new start is what you need, not an affair, or casual sex encounter.

 

 

Take care.

[TimmyC]

I know you came here to ask for help, so I will do my best to help you.

 

First off, you need to divorce your husband. I don't care what you may "think" your reasoning is for needing to stay with him, but you describe that this isn't the "first" time you've had affairs and one night stands. That in itself is disrespectful not just to your husband but you two's child. I grew up with a father that did that and i'll tell you it made me grow up to "hate" him, so much so that I have no contact with him by choice and couldn't care less if he passed on. So with that being said it's time you face that you don't love your husband and give him the chance to meet someone that will appreciate him like he deserves.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't necessarily feel the child is the main reason you are staying together, I think your doing it because your so used to being together that it's the only thing you know, which is understandable because you guys have been together for 33 years.

 

As for the crush, your just going to have to except that it was nothing more than a fantasy. We all have crushes usually in our younger staves of life, if it doesn't work out then move forward with your life.

 

This is very difficult for me to say, because like a few other replies on here I agree with them it dosent sit well with me that your cheating on your husband. Infact there is no excuse why you should. I know the feeling of being unapretiated, you know what I did when I felt that way? I left, why? Because I wanted to keep MY morals intact.

 

Keep your head up and move forward, but most importantly think about the kid, that child is the real victim and doesn't need to be a pawn in this. Again take it from someone that grew up with similar circumstances, it will not turn out in your favor.