Embarrassing performance issues with wife.

[Olly78]

This is difficult to talk about but the anonymity of a forum allows me the freedom to express myself without fear of ridicule.

 

I have been with my wife for 18 years, married 11 years ago. I adore her, and everything since day one has been perfect, we are very much kindred spirits.

 

Now if I could fast forward to just a few months ago it was my wife’s birthday. I decided to leave work early and surprise her at home before the kids got home from school. When I got home she was home with 3 of her friends having a lunch. I don’t even know why I decided this but I decided to go in the back way and stay upstairs until they were finished. It was the conversation that I overheard during that time that has left me with some “issues”.

 

My wife and I have enjoyed a very healthy and sometimes adventurous love life. We have certainly not been backward in trying new things and we have been so aligned in our thoughts that it has always worked for us. What I overheard has me questioning whether this alignment was indeed true or not. What my wife confided in her friends (during a bigger conversation about the general subject) was that she absolutely hates the taste of semen and hates it when I ejaculate on her face. That shook me pretty bad. I would never ask her to do anything I didn’t think she was comfortable with. She has never raised this with me before. In fact it is often her that asked for it rather than me asking her.

 

Not one to let things like this simmer I spoke to her about it the next day (I wasn’t going to bring it up on her actual birthday). She assures me that while it’s true what she said that what is also true is that she wants me to do this. She feels it’s an important part of our sex life.

 

Now I guess I should be happy about that but I’m not sure it sits well with me. At the end of the day she is still doing something that she is not entirely comfortable with.

 

But now to the biggest issue. It’s been a few months now and I am simply unable to do that act anymore. I get severe performance anxiety when/if we are going to be doing it and a totally lose my erection. Now my wife is getting upset that I wont do it. It’s not that I wont, it’s simply that I can’t. Something in my subconscious is telling me that my wife doesn’t really want this. It doesn’t matter how much I reassure myself that it is ok or how much my wife reassures the same I just can’t perform the deed now.

 

I’m not sure where to go from here. Consciously I know I’m allowed to do it, I know my wife wants it. Subconsciously some little voice is telling my penis that “you just aint doing that no more”. All other aspects of our sex life are fine and I don’t have any issues finishing.

 

Any ideas, comments, suggestions ?

[elaine567]

Many women find the act of ejaculating on the face degrading and humiliating, but some will put up with it to please their partner, it sounds like she is one of those. She doesn't like it but knows that you like it, so has accommodated you.

If all other aspects of your sex life are fine then just concentrate on those.

[Olly78]

Many women find the act of ejaculating on the face degrading and humiliating, but some will put up with it to please their partner, it sounds like she is one of those. She doesn't like it but knows that you like it, so has accommodated you.

If all other aspects of your sex life are fine then just concentrate on those.

 

I am fine with that. I am happy to never do it again. I would have never wanted to do it in the first place had I have known that she wasn't entirely comfortable with it.

 

But I now have her wanting it and assuring me it's ok. I can't deliver. So now she is upset with me because of my lack of ability to perform.

 

At this point, it is her much more than I that wants this to continue. I don't want her to tolerate it just for me. But now we're stuck, she wants it, I just can't do it. I just can't turn my subconscious off, now I know that she doesn't like it it is there forever. But I can't force her to not want it or not keep asking for it.

 

Pretty messed up hey?

[OpenBook]

No no, not messed up. You're just missing a key piece of information: if she doesn't like it, why does she want to do it? There's some kind of payoff for HER in it (other than pleasing you). Find out what that payoff is... it may even open up new doors behind which are more delightful areas and experiences to explore with her.

 

And my hat's off to you and your W on the way you treat each other and keep your M healthy. Refreshing to see. Well done.

[Satu]

Too much porn?

[Lois_Griffin]

I am fine with that. I am happy to never do it again. I would have never wanted to do it in the first place had I have known that she wasn't entirely comfortable with it.

 

But I now have her wanting it and assuring me it's ok. I can't deliver. So now she is upset with me because of my lack of ability to perform.

 

At this point, it is her much more than I that wants this to continue. I don't want her to tolerate it just for me. But now we're stuck, she wants it, I just can't do it. I just can't turn my subconscious off, now I know that she doesn't like it it is there forever. But I can't force her to not want it or not keep asking for it.

 

Pretty messed up hey?

She doesn't 'want' it.

 

What she doesn't want is to be the one to deprive you of it, so that's why she keeps claiming she wants you to do it.

 

Most women DO find it horribly degrading. She just didn't want to tell you that because she wanted to keep you happy at home.

 

Now that you can't do it anymore, she feels responsible for being the one to ruin your good time.

[Methodical]

You can't un-hear what your heard. You were under the impression that both of you were on the same page and mutually enjoyed the sexual activities you engage in. Not only did you learn that she isn't keen on the taste of semen, you are hurt bc she shared this information with her friends instead of you.

 

I don't like the taste of semen and the thought of little tadpole swimming in my tummy isn't appealing either . Hubs and I have never discussed this. For whatever reason, he has always given me an indication before blowing his load and I've withdrawn. He ejaculates, just not in my mouth (or anywhere else I'm not into at the moment ). Neither of us have ever been offended at the way oral goes down. But, none of that means I'm averse to giving oral.

 

Obviously your wife knows there's a psychological component taking place due to what she told her friends. That said, is it possible to sit down and have a heart to heart? Ask her to work with you where you give her an indication before ejaculating and then it's her decision whether or not to withdraw, which releases you from guilt? It's going to take some "thinking out of the box" for ways to reprogram your sub-conscious mind and rebuild your confidence and willingness in this particular area of your sex life.

[loveboid]

Porn teaches the absolutely opposite things of what women like.

 

She might be upset that she put in all of that effort into pleasing you for nothing, whether it was for nothing or not she might feel that it was.

 

I would just tell her and show her that you appreciate her and find something new that you both like to show love to each other. This is so that something good can happen out of this and she will feel like it was all worth it, if that is how she feels.

[dichotomy]

There are things - a few minor sexual - mostly not sexual - that I do for my wife that I know she enjoys that kinda I really don't - but I do it for her.

 

One minor example - I don't like rubbing her feet, to be honest she has kinda ugly guy feet (big, rough, calluses) - but she moans and sighs and smiles - it is such a release for her. So I often say "put those feet in my face woman !" and she does - and I rub them out like I am digging for gold.

 

Another example she likes being bitten on the nipples and biting me on the nipples. I really am not in to biting her, and I really dislike being bitten on the nipples it hurts me and I feel weird - but I put up with it because its important part of her sexual expression - so I say "mmm baby" and move on to other things I do like a bit later. Does not always happen - but I do with it when she is in the mood for some nibbling.

 

Also I will be honest there are times when I have gone down on her where the smell and taste was awful. It was rare that it was bad - but it happened occasionally - and I was fine to continue on to please her. I get off on her getting off - and that over took the smell at the time.

 

My point is sometimes out of love and pleasing we do things that are not really our thing - but pleasing our partner is a reward and makes us feel great - ya know?

 

An unrelated example - Ever had a kid and watched their favorite kid show over and over again - until you wanted to barf ? You sing the song in your head at work and want to scream But you still sing along with them every morning and discuss that show, memorize all the characters - and do it with a smile - because - their joy. Would you tell your kid you hate the show ?

 

You sound like you have an amazing loving wife, who likes to get you off and make you happy - let her.

Edited April 23, 2016 by dichotomy

[Dolfin80]

This thread is a complete eye opener for me. She hates the smell and hates it being on her face, yet she has been pretending to like it to you. Just wow, I can't believe it. She must be a good actress as you were oblivious to her not liking it. I don't think it's good for her to do this to you and I completely understand why you can't do it anymore as if you did it would be objectifying your wife as just a sex object/sperm dump. It's not mutual sexual pleasure, the power has shifted to your sexual enjoyment only. The intimacy in the act has now gone. You are a normal decent guy, you know that to enjoy your wife sexually there needs to be sexual pleasure for both of you. I admire you for this, you are very respectful to your wife and you care so much about her enjoyment.

 

To move forward you will both need to find something that is sexually enjoyable. Unfortunately the faked intimacy between the facial act is now gone.

 

I would never allow a guy to do that to my face btw. I've never met anyone who would even ask me or attempt to do it. I would find it extremely degrading. I don't know any female that has had a guy to this during intimacy either. Imo it is not enjoyable for most women.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Dolfin80

[loveboid]

I would look up bukkake on Wikipedia. It originated in Japan as a way to get around their censorship laws in porn. It's completely commercial and has nothing to do with pleasure between a real couple. Your response is normal and healthy. That stuff in porn is fake and a lot of men get misled on what women like by watching it.

Edited April 23, 2016 by loveboid

[lolablue17]

I think that your wife's behavior is way way exaggerated, insensitive and rude.

 

"Come on wife, you are the one who told the whole neighborhood (your friends) that you hate it - now you refuse to take responsibility for that words. So wife, when are you lying? when you're with your friends, or when you're with your husband, because it's clearly that there's 180 degree gap between both".

 

Your wife should do only one of the two options: 1. Stand behind her words and explain to you why was she lying to you for so many years.2. Invite her friends over and tell them in front of you that she was lying to them, and she better find a good explanation why did she lie.

 

If I were you I would have never agree to do this act anymore with her, until i'm convinced that she was lying to her friends.

 

In any case, your wife must know that making complains about husband performance makes it worse, and making pressure causes the opposite reaction. She must show love and compassion, instead of making demands and being upset.

 

I know why she's doing that, because she go caught with lying, and she wants "everything to be like before" to the point were she wasn't considered as a liar. She doesn't care about your feelings, only about her reputation and well being.

[DreamBigg]

There's another way to look at it - what you overheard was your wife and her friends having a conversation. While some women may say otherwise, I don't think it's far fetched to believe that your wife just said "I hate when he does ____ on my face.. Etc" because she's just presenting herself in a way she prefers her friends to see her.

 

If she was having that talk and boasted "omg I love semen all over my face!" Then that's not exactly going to bode well for her and her friends opinions.

 

So she may have just said it bc that's the "normal" thing for a girl to say in order to remain "classy". She could very well love it and you're worried for no reason

[Poutrew]

Just set her down and tell her that you can't do it because you now know she physically hates it, and it's no big deal to you anyway. You physically can NOT do something she finds abhorrent. If she can't understand this, ask her what would be going through her head if she overheard you confiding to your buddies how much you hate going down on her. That you simply hate the taste of her vagina, that it smells like old fish, and it always makes you feel like throwing up. But, you do it because you love her and you know how much she loves it (make sure she knows that this is just an example, not a fact). How would she feel to suddenly know after all these years you are doing something you hate? Just make sure that after you say this, you eat her out real good...

Edited April 24, 2016 by Poutrew

[elaine567]

There's another way to look at it - what you overheard was your wife and her friends having a conversation. While some women may say otherwise, I don't think it's far fetched to believe that your wife just said "I hate when he does ____ on my face.. Etc" because she's just presenting herself in a way she prefers her friends to see her.

 

If she was having that talk and boasted "omg I love semen all over my face!" Then that's not exactly going to bode well for her and her friends opinions.

 

So she may have just said it bc that's the "normal" thing for a girl to say in order to remain "classy". She could very well love it and you're worried for no reason

 

OK, but she told the OP that what she told her friends was TRUE, but qualified it by saying she "wants him to continue doing it".

Which is NOT the same as saying to him "I know I said it, but I only said it to look good in front of my friends as I doubt they would agree."

[oldshirt]

There's another way to look at it - what you overheard was your wife and her friends having a conversation. While some women may say otherwise, I don't think it's far fetched to believe that your wife just said "I hate when he does ____ on my face.. Etc" because she's just presenting herself in a way she prefers her friends to see her.

 

If she was having that talk and boasted "omg I love semen all over my face!" Then that's not exactly going to bode well for her and her friends opinions.

 

So she may have just said it bc that's the "normal" thing for a girl to say in order to remain "classy". She could very well love it and you're worried for no reason

 

 

 

I also agree with this.

 

 

She was just saying that to fit in with her girlfriends and so she wouldn't look too racey to them.

 

 

Women who truly do not like facials don't ask for them and do not do them for years and years.

 

 

I think she was saying that primarily to present a certain image to her girlfriends.

 

 

 

 

cont.....

[oldshirt]

Now here is another factor to keep in mind, there are a lot of things that do not sound good when you are in a normal, non-aroused state; but when you are very aroused and stimulated you actually want to do it and get off on it when you do.

 

 

Example = analingus. If I was in a normal state mowing the lawn or folding laundry and someone came up and started talking about buttlicking and asked if I wanted to do it, I would probably roll my eyes and let out a disgusted grunt.

 

 

But there have been several times over the years while in the middle of having super hot porno sex I have done that deed with gusto and loved every minute of it while in the moment.

 

 

I think that applies to many women when dealing with things like facials and taste of ejaculate etc.

 

 

If ladies are in a bridge club talking about the community gossip and the irritating things their husbands do, they are going to be prim and proper and recoil in horror and turn their noses up over wide a variety of sex acts that they all know they have all done and liked countless times over the years.

 

 

It's part of chick code to publically speak out in disgust of facials and to say how degrading and gross it is. But when those same women are highly aroused and in a hyperstimulated state, they like all sorts of stuff that they will deny publically in the light of day.

 

 

Always go by a woman's actions. Actions always speak louder than words. If she is aroused and all hot and passionate while in the act of sex and likes to get a face full, that is the reality, not what she says in public with the neighborhood ladies.

[oldshirt]

Now here is another factor to keep in mind, there are a lot of things that do not sound good when you are in a normal, non-aroused state; but when you are very aroused and stimulated you actually want to do it and get off on it when you do.

 

 

 

 

 

Let's flip this concept around and present it from a male perspective. Let's be honest, the taste of vagina isn't exactly a culinary delight either.

 

 

Shall we even go there about what would be said if a group of guys were sitting around talking about the taste and smell of jay-jay?? no, let's not even go there.

 

 

But take those same guys and give them some hot blond and get them pumped up and horny and they going to dig in like it was their last meal on earth and they'll love every moment of it.

 

 

Most guys at one time or another have gone down on their wives/GFs/chicks from the bar etc during that time of the month.

 

 

It's not because they likened the taste to Baskin Robbins ice cream, it's because they were very sexually charged and stimulated and that's what people in a very stimulated state do.

 

 

It's really the same thing. Get a group of guys in a nonstimulated, non aroused state and ask for a show of hands how many would like to go down on some gal during that time of month. Probably not a one will raise their hands.

 

 

But the reality is that probably all of them have done it and in the moment they dug it.

 

 

Facials are very similar. In a non stimulated, non aroused state, they don't sound that enticing. But when people are in a highly stimulated state with someone they are attracted to and horny for, it becomes a whole other ballgame.

[oldshirt]

 

 

She has never raised this with me before. In fact it is often her that asked for it rather than me asking her.

 

 

 

I spoke to her about it the next day (I wasn’t going to bring it up on her actual birthday). She assures me that while it’s true what she said that what is also true is that she wants me to do this. She feels it’s an important part of our sex life.

 

 

 

Now my wife is getting upset that I wont do it.

 

 

 

So to Aolly, here are some of my thoughts and advice in no particular order -

 

 

- women will say things in public with other women and do the complete opposite in the dark. (I know that is a politically incorrect thing to say, but no truer words have ever been spoken)

 

 

- there are a lot of sex acts that sound gross and unappealing in the light of day when not in a stimulated state that people really want and dig when they are turned on.

 

 

- women are not at all sexually attracted to the vast majority of men in the world and are repulsed at the thought of those guys even touching them. But if a woman is very attracted and connected with a particular guy, she often digs things that would be very offensive from the common man on the street.

 

 

- one of women's deepest, darkest fears is to judged as loose and indiscriminate (we aren't supposed to use the word that begins with an "S" and ends in a "T" with an 'L' and a 'U' in the middle) by other women, and so they will publically deny much of what they actually do in bed.

 

 

 

 

- actions speak louder than words. If she has been doing this of her own free will for almost two decades and shows all the signs of digging it, then she digs it regardless of what she says to girlfriends publically.

 

 

- Unless there is some kind of force or coercion on your part, people simply do not do what they do not want to do. If she really had a beef against it, she would not have done it for 18 years.

 

 

- The fact that you have given her an "out" and she has maintained that she wants it to continue, really speaks volumes.

 

 

- she wasn't upset and didn't protest it while it was going on for 18 but she is getting upset at it's absence now..............THERE'S YOUR SIGN!!

 

 

- She said it was an important part of your sexual dynamics. The fact that she has been doing it for decades and has bitched about it's absence leads me to believe that this is true. These words and her actions are congruent so I believe she is being sincere.

 

 

Cont.....

[oldshirt]

.....and finally...

 

 

This is kind of a huge fitness test.

 

 

She is wanting you to step up to the plate and assert your dominance and masculinity. She is wanting you to demonstrate that you are still "The Man" and still the boss in the bedroom by straddling her face and giving her the great white shower of love.

 

 

She is wanting you to show her that you still love and desire her and still have the hots for her by straddling her face and giving her the warm, white shower of love.

 

 

This is a test. It's nice that you are concerned with her comfort and are wanting to be accomidating with her sensibilities and not do something that she doesn't want. But somewhere deep in her psyche, this is a sign of your desire and your acceptance and your "claim" of her.

 

 

She may not think the taste is or the sensation is really all that great, but she obviously likes and wants what it represents.

 

 

And it represents your dominance, your assertiveness, your desire of her, your "claim" of her as your wife and lover and it represents her submission to you.

 

 

Those things are obviously important to her and she sees them as an important part of your sexual dynamics.

[Trishern]

Just tell her you don't want to do it anymore, that you gain no pleasure from it. The pressure of society has women doing things they don't really want out of fear their man will stray.

 

 

I give my H BJ's, but I don't really love it. I do it because he likes it and I like him to be happy I that way, but I don't get any pleasure from it in any way.... except the pleasure he receives.

 

 

If he said to stop it, I'd do so gladly, but I can't EVER see that happening, even if he knew I wasn't keen on it.

 

 

Mrs T

[love4eva]

mate...just think you are lucky to have an adventurous wife

 

 

and try other stuff...

 

 

I've been married 8 years to a very conservative korean wife..

 

 

refuses to kiss me during sex..or let me kiss her.

 

 

only 2 positions ever allowed.....cowgirl i love but she sometimes does it.

 

 

as for bj's, honeypot drinking or 69ers forget it...it's never happened.

 

 

i try all kinds of foreplay/romaticism to warm us both up but she hates it.

 

 

making love to my wife is like walking on eggshells.

 

 

if i use any too much moisture she just hops up and puts her clothes back on...

 

 

three dildos straight in the rubbish and she's never pleased herself.

 

 

..yet for all that..i love her to bits' and unconditional love means exactrly that..as well as loving our two kids..

 

 

just wish she wasn't so "white vanilla".