Will my ex-girlfriend come back?

[samuel501]

I met my ex almost three years ago while going through a divorce, and she had recently gone through a divorce in the past year. We met through a mutual friend who is very intelligent, and who stated we were great for each other. Both of us have two young kids, each close in age and they love each other! She and I immediately hit it off, tons in common, we felt we loved and hated the same things, had the same goals and desires in partners. She wanted a man who would be a good leader, kind, caring, sensitive, someone who didn't visit bars and clubs, someone she could trust, I wanted the exact same.

We begin dating within a couple of weeks and quickly became intimate which we both did not want, but it happened. We all met, kids and all soon after, the kids loved each other and got along great. Quickly we became wrapped up in each others lives, and expressing that through touch, talk, social media such as Facebook, etc. Again, I was going through a bitter divorce upon which I was hurt deeply, and it soon began to affect me and my new relationship.

Without warning,I began to experience insecurity, fear, a desire to control everything in my life so that I would feel secure, and I began to let this permeate into my new relationship and it began to affect her life and emotions. She told me many times in the almost 3-years of dating, to get a grip, to get help, and to GIVE HER SPACE! I refused, and lied to myself saying "I'm fine."

Well, her ex husbands new wifes ex husband started flirting with my girlfriend about a year ago, I saw it right off but had no worries as we discussed it. Of course, I became crazy about this and afraid due to insecurities. I continued my downward spiral, fighting with the ex wife, the court case, still going on by the way over custody now, and also I allowed my career and my self confidence, and my focus to fall apart, the end was approaching and I had no idea.

My girlfriend kept telling me, "I need space!" I did not give it to her. In the 3-years we dated we broke up so many times, she would say "I can't deal with you or this anymore and I'm done," of course she came back each time.

Her kids, which include a daughter and a son love me! I read them bed time stories, tucked them into bed, made them all dinner and breakfast, and even had lunch with them at School. We discussed marriage, we discussed life, we seemed to be very serious and in love but also drained from all the baggage and drama I was allowing.

Two months ago I finally began therapy with a lady who knows my ex girlfriend very well, and has known her for years. I've made leaps and bounds! However my inability to allow my girlfriend space caused her to dump me and its been that way for 7-weeks. She has been speaking with her ex husbands wifes ex-husband, which I think is crazy, and so do her friends. He lives out of state thank God, but he has a great job and seems to have a handle on things although his marriage ended because his wife cheated, married the guy and now this guy is raising his kids! During the previous 7-weeks, my now ex-girlfriend did call, email, text several times, and two weeks ago she called asking how I was doing, if I was still in therapy, and what my plans were for the future. I told her the truth, yes I'm doing great and my life is back on track. I told her I realize what I did to drive her away and I'm correcting those things now. She was ecstatic about that but still asking for space, for me not to contact her at all, I still did not respect that. Just a week ago I showed up at her house unexpected and she became furious. Apparently she was supposed to work a late shift that night and offered her house to this other guy in Texas to stay in with his kids, I did verify through a friend we share she indeed had put in to work that same night but no shift became available. She told this same mutual friend we share she was done, that I don't know what respect is, and I say a lot but do not do what I say. Earlier this week my ex girlfriend called me and said the following; "I want to give you closure. I don't want to see or speak to you anymore. You continue to come by my house, you refuse to allow me the space I need. I don't like who I am with you, I don't like all the drama with you're ex wife, I don't see myself marrying you." She was very angry, bringing up a few things I had done, very angry. Over the past week I have left her alone 100%, and I am trying to move on.

I have begun the process of getting my old job back, I am focused, I am motivated, and I have begun making amends with my ex wife to create peace. My ex girlfriend told our mutual friend she wants someone who will respect her, lead her, and provide for her, all of which I've failed to show I can do.

I love her, she knows this, and I believe she loved me as well. I know because she told me, she became exhausted with the relationship but she wanted it to work. I am still seeing her friend the therapist, who tells me she doesn't know what she wants except for me to leave her alone and better myself, which I am determined to do regardless of whether or not I get my ex-girlfriend back.

So, my question to you all, especially ladies, will my ex get curious about me, seek out how I'm doing? If she does and likes what she sees, do I have a chance of having her back?

She told out mutual friend she knows I love her, that she can trust me, that I'm kinds and good, and that I'm a good man and father and good to her kids, its just the instability, the drama, and the lack of respecting her wishes that drove her to the end.

Thanks for taking time to read and respond, Samuel.

[samuel501]

I am moving on, I'm bettering myself and looking for the silver lining. We still share this mutual friend who will let her know how I am doing should she inquire.

[TaraMaiden2]

If you are really intent on moving on (Good idea) Do Not - repeat, NOT - "keep in touch" with her via this 'mutual friend' (Bad idea).

 

Your moving on will be seriously impeded if you insist on remaining in her life this way.

Do NOT ask the mutual friend for updates; in fact, you should advise said friend to keep their mouth firmly closed in all and any matter, issue, incident or event concerning your ex. Same goes for anything in her direction, even if she asks.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature.

It's the only way feasible to get over this, heal, improve and move on.

[samuel501]

No chance she'll be back?

[ExpatInItaly]

Woman here, I'll chime in.

 

Honestly OP, I think this one is done for good. She asked you many times to back off and you didn't, even after assuring her you were changing. Showing up uninvited and unexpected at her house demonstrated that you haven't changed at all. (What the heck were you thinking doing that, by the way? It looks very much like you were trying to keep tabs on her) Getting information about her through your mutual friend also highlights that point.

 

I have been on the receiving end of insecure and controlling behaviour, and I can tell you it is exhausting. It also changed the way I looked at my ex and effectively killed any romantic feelings I had. You get to a point where you just cannot take it anymore. Unfortunately for you, she is probably enjoying the calm and tranquility in her life now that it's over. I know I did. I'm sure she remembers some of your time together fondly and wishes you well, but she is moving on.

 

Follow TaraMaiden's advice and go No Contact. Not in the hopes she will come back, but to allow yourself to heal and move forward.

[springy]

She gave you chance after chance after chance...exactly what I do in my relationships when I'm trying to avoid the breakup/loss of feelings. It is exhausting, and in every case where this has happened I had no desire to return to the scene of the crime. It felt too good to be free from the heavy load of stress associated with the person. It is good that you are getting help. Perhaps that was the purpose of this relationship - to propel you into a deeper healing journey. Continue on your path, without the expectation that she will be back.

[Satu]

Forget your question:

"Will she come back?"

 

Instead work on bringing yourself to your full potential as a Human Being.

 

Do it for yourself.

 

Do that, and your life will be a better life to live.

 

As regards your ex:

 

Do nothing.

 

Take no action.

 

Go NC.

 

It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you'll benefit from it immensely.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Satu

[TaraMaiden2]

No chance she'll be back?

 

You have to hope with every fibre of your being that the answer is 'no'.

 

I figure, reading your post (and taking into account everything everyone here has advised you), that would be the best thing to bank on.

[Blanco]

What were the circumstances of your divorce? Was there infidelity? It sounds like you took a lot of the baggage of your marriage into this new relationship, which isn't shocking, since it sounds like there was no real alone time for you where you were able to do the usually necessary leg work of resolving the issues from the expired relationship.

[samuel501]

Yes, adulterous wife. She left me for my half brother, I lost everything. This generated fear, insecurity, debt, emotional instability, I lost my job, quit School.

Now, I'm back on track, but losing her was a fear and I obsessed over her.

I'm going back to School, got a game plan for the debt, making amends with my ex wife, and I've been in counseling for 6-weeks now. Addressing my issues weekly, and I'm done with fear and being defeated!

[samuel501]

I know my ex girlfriend loved me, she told me so just a few weeks ago, but not "in love." My counselor knows my ex very well and states she has her own issues and she is mad and upset at me. Also she states that my ex girlfriend doesn't know exactly what she wants, just that right now she doesn't want me and states she will most likely seek out how I'm doing sooner or later.

Til then, she said to leave her alone and let her find out how well you are doing on her own.

[Blanco]

So without knowing any of you, I'm going to guess a lot of your insecurities and controlling behavior stems from paranoia that what happened with your adulterous ex-wife was going to repeat itself with this girl. Unfortunately, this can be something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not necessarily because they will end up cheating, but because these insecurities and suffocating behaviors often damage the relationship and drives away the other person.

[samuel501]

Right! That's part of what I'm overcoming, and a huge reason as to why she has left, it drove her nuts and the relationship was exhausting for both of us.

Weird thing is just 2-weeks ago she called to ask if I was still in therapy and goal minded, asking what my plans were. She told me we might could go out in the future after I sorted things out for myself.

Then, I showed up at her house but only to take her some birthday cake as I was already going out myself, and she got very angry! She still is upset about it from what I'm told.

[AT15]

OP

You went through something REALLY traumatic. REALLY traumatizing. Give yourself room to f--King react to that. Pretending that you have it all together for the sake of this woman is a hoax. You don't have it all together and quite frankly who would?

It seems to me like this "new gf" is/ was just a healing mechanism. Sometimes we tend to jump into relationships to feel good,and help us cover up the pain that we don't want to fully experience. The wife and the half brother?! Um, yeah. Pain. Pain. Pain.

 

I'm happy for you that you are getting support. Keeping doing that, but, let this girl go. If she really truly loved you, she will be back.

[Steven1]

Take it from my own experience, that if you are moving on, TRULY moving on, you need to cut all form of contact. I recently just seen my ex (was dating for 7 years) with her new boyfriend, and it just reaffirmed that she will never be back in my life, and that I can not have her in mine again, in any way,shape or form. For me to move on as I have, I had to tell her what I wanted to get off my chest, and then not speak any more. The longer you hold any threads of hope or thoughts that you will one day be back together, will always hold you back to her. Maybe one day you two will reunite out of the blue, maybe you won't, but it's best to let that come if it may rather than think about it happening.

 

If you are motivated and focused and better yourself, then stick with that and keep it going, but do what you have to to remove any thought of her, friendship, or getting back together with her, from your mind.

[samuel501]

Yes, she was a rebound for me early on, however I sincerely fell in love with his amazing woman and her kids! She told me, "Ive wasted over two years thinking this would work!" She said that after breaking up with me. Just a little over a month ago I was reading her kids bed time stories and having dinner at the table with them. We each invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship, its a shame for it to not have a second chance after the healing comes.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, she was a rebound for me early on, however I sincerely fell in love with his amazing woman and her kids! She told me, "Ive wasted over two years thinking this would work!" She said that after breaking up with me. Just a little over a month ago I was reading her kids bed time stories and having dinner at the table with them. We each invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship, its a shame for it to not have a second chance after the healing comes.

 

After the healing comes you will have moved past the desire to re-ignite anything. She will have, definitely.

Please try to get it through your head: She feels she's already over-invested in you, and she's not about to fall into that trap again. She got too burnt last time.

Please take her NO as NO.

It really doesn't matter how much time you have invested.

If the horse is dead - quit flogging it.

It's not going to get up any time soon.

[samuel501]

I hear ya, however I still believe there's a chance. Over two years is a lot to throw away and start again with someone, going through the whole dating process when the problems are unintended and being addressed, there's a chance and I have to be ready. However with or without her I'm going to recreate myself for me and my kids!

[Blanco]

You say, "I hear ya," but then you write something that pretty much goes against what that person just said.

 

One thing I've had to learn with several heartbreaks is that some relationships simply run their course. They serve a purpose; hopefully teach us a few things, but they aren't designed to be forever.

 

It sounds like maybe this relationship was a transitional relationship for you after your marriage that reaffirmed that you have value; that a woman will want to be with you and not be unfaithful. Now you have that reaffirmation. It sounds like it's time to move along, as difficult as that might be.

 

One issue with dating too soon after divorce is that you might be putting off dealing with the damage and aftermath of the divorce by jumping into another relationship. So when that relationship ends, you now have the fallout of both the relationship and the marriage to deal with.

[TaraMaiden2]

I hear ya, however I still believe there's a chance....

so ya don't hear me. Or your ex, it seems, for that matter...

Over two years is a lot to throw away

She seemed to have no qualms about it., And as she's the one who initiated the dump, you don't really have a say in the matter.

 

and start again with someone, going through the whole dating process when the problems are unintended and being addressed,

She - doesn't - care!! She's done! It's over! FINISHED! DONE WITH!

 

there's a chance and I have to be ready.

Only in your head - not hers!!

However with or without her I'm going to recreate myself for me and my kids!

I'd opt for 'without her' and have done with this...

 

Please - get it through your head - when us ladies end things, they're finished.

 

It's like she says 'no' and you hear 'maybe'. Don't disrespect her decision by being selectively deaf to her wishes.

[samuel501]

Well she was the one calling me a couple of weeks ago and asking how I'm doing and wondering what my plans are for the future. Also she has broken up with me a dozen times and always comes back. I know there's always the time she doesn't.

[LD1990]

Well she was the one calling me a couple of weeks ago and asking how I'm doing and wondering what my plans are for the future. Also she has broken up with me a dozen times and always comes back. I know there's always the time she doesn't.

 

Relationships with frequent breakups don't end in happily ever after, they end when one person gets sick of it and decides on a permanent breakup, which your ex seems to have done. And why would you even want to go back to that? You want to keep getting dumped over and over?

[triple-s]

so ya don't hear me. Or your ex, it seems, for that matter...She seemed to have no qualms about it., And as she's the one who initiated the dump, you don't really have a say in the matter.

 

She - doesn't - care!! She's done! It's over! FINISHED! DONE WITH!

 

Only in your head - not hers!!

I'd opt for 'without her' and have done with this...

 

Please - get it through your head - when us ladies end things, they're finished.

 

It's like she says 'no' and you hear 'maybe'. Don't disrespect her decision by being selectively deaf to her wishes.

 

 

its called being dillusional . OP is not accepting the reality and wants to stay in the fantasy of her ideal mate ...it will be his ultimate demise .

[triple-s]

The op in this thread is dillusional . he's created a fantasy for himself that he refuses to deny

 

Other posts have tried to help him and theyre correct.

 

He's wasting his time ( and quite frankly YOURS too if you try fixing him )

 

hes gotta deal with the choices on his own

[samuel501]

Update...

A couple of weeks ago I wrote her a letter for my closure. I did not beg whine or ask for a response. I simply apologized for my faults in the relationship, thanked her for everything and wished her the best with whomever and whatever.

The next day she calls our mutual friend saying she got the letter and discussed it, even saying she felt I was being smart by saying "good luck" with whomever.

She told the mutual friend she is not dating this guy she sees occasionally and talks to, that their kids are step siblings and love hanging out. She states she likes not having a boyfriend and she's going to the gym a lot and this guy is just someone nice to talk to. She made a point to say all of this according to the mutual friend.

Now, two days ago I was getting some food at a fast food joint and she was there alone ordering. She had just come from the gym, as did I. I acknowledged her by waving and saying hi, she was surprised and did the same. I stayed by a wall near the register waiting on my food while she him back waiting on hers, I did not look at her or say anything. Suddenly she was behind me and said in a cute and sassy voice, "you would be here." I nodded and asked how everyone was doing. She then said they were fine and talked about being stuck in traffic for a long time earlier, I did not respond. I got my food and was feeing very good that day and confident due to good news, I shared the good news briefly and then said ,"we'll take care," and left.

Does her approaching me when we already waived and said hello mean anything at all?

Remember I am the guy she said refuses to leave her alone and give her space, now I am attempting to move on and I feel I surprised her and wondering if she may or may not be curious? My girl friends all say yes and it's a matter of time so long as I continue to do me.