Entitled married man

[Ana-Iva]

Does a married person have a right to complain about his affair partner sharing bed with another men (no sex, no physical contact, no emotions, just someone crashing in the same bed for the night... )??

That same night he bailed and left to be with his wife. Was I supposed to stay alone and sad, or respond to a suggestion from a friend to come over for a glass of wine and a movie, during which we both fell asleep fully dressed up?

[bathtub-row]

They want you to sit at home and put your life on hold until they honor you with their presence once again.

[basil67]

He has the right to complain about whatever he likes. However, you don't have to listen to those complaints if you think they are ridiculous.

 

Tell him that you have no intention of sitting around solo while he's still with his wife. For that matter, as he's still sharing a bed with his wife, you have the right to share your bed with anyone you like. If he doesn't accept this, then he can leave.

Edited April 24, 2016 by basil67

[notthechosen1]

I don't think it's right for either party to do that but I will admit I did this to my MM.... only bc I was under the impression he was not sleeping with her and when I found I got so upset. I have no right too, but I do.

before my husband left my MM would always ask me if I was sleeping with him or doing anything with him. he would get so jealous if I would tell him that yes we had slept together.

and then come to find out he was sleeping with his wife the whole time!

I think its normal to feel jealous about that.

[whichwayisup]

Does a married person have a right to complain about his affair partner sharing bed with another men (no sex, no physical contact, no emotions, just someone crashing in the same bed for the night... )??

That same night he bailed and left to be with his wife. Was I supposed to stay alone and sad, or respond to a suggestion from a friend to come over for a glass of wine and a movie, during which we both fell asleep fully dressed up?

 

You can end it and walk away at any time. You're not married nor obligated to your MM. He has a wife whom he shares a bed with, lives 'life' with on a daily basis so he gets no say in what you do in YOUR spare time when you're not with him.

 

It's of course hypocritical of him to put that on you and get upset. Have you pointed that out to him?

[carhill]

Does a married person have a right to complain about his affair partner sharing bed with another men (no sex, no physical contact, no emotions, just someone crashing in the same bed for the night... )??

 

He can complain about anything he wants. Nothing short of a muzzle or a bullet in the brain will stop him. However, no one has to listen to or act on his complaints. Any attention or respect or consideration he receives from anyone is purely voluntary.

That same night he bailed and left to be with his wife. Was I supposed to stay alone and sad, or respond to a suggestion from a friend to come over for a glass of wine and a movie, during which we both fell asleep fully dressed up?

 

You can do anything you want, like cuddling with a friend, dating another married man, having sex with a FWB, entering a lesbian affair or remaining celibate for life, in addition to, well, millions of other options. Do what you want. Feel what you want. If you end up in a squad car, maybe you took it a bit too far.

 

Human contact can be a powerful force. Don't deny yourself on account of some married guy and the carbon dioxide he's spewing. It's your life.

[len51]

Get used to it. The wife always comes first. You are just his sex toy no matter what story he tells you to get at your goodies. No man wants to pay alimony, child support and give his wife half of his stuff so that he can spend the night with his mistress.

[Ophelia25]

Get used to it. The wife always comes first. You are just his sex toy no matter what story he tells you to get at your goodies. No man wants to pay alimony, child support and give his wife half of his stuff so that he can spend the night with his mistress.

 

This just occurred to me as I read this thread. While generalizations are tough, this seems so true for so many of these situations. Why is it that with MM the wife "always comes first" even if they profess to be miserable and clearly don't care enough about them not to cheat? And why do women seem much more willing to place higher priority on the MM? Is it just because it's more emotional for women, or is more involved?

[carhill]

Men compartmentalize.

[AlwaysGrowing]

This just occurred to me as I read this thread. While generalizations are tough, this seems so true for so many of these situations. Why is it that with MM the wife "always comes first" even if they profess to be miserable and clearly don't care enough about them not to cheat? And why do women seem much more willing to place higher priority on the MM? Is it just because it's more emotional for women, or is more involved?

 

 

As long as one party is still married....the married one will have divided "loyalty" on all/certain aspects of traditional/normal relationship issue/s and expectation/s.

[2016forme]

Does a married person have a right to complain about his affair partner sharing bed with another men (no sex, no physical contact, no emotions, just someone crashing in the same bed for the night... )??

That same night he bailed and left to be with his wife. Was I supposed to stay alone and sad, or respond to a suggestion from a friend to come over for a glass of wine and a movie, during which we both fell asleep fully dressed up?

 

A married man truthfully has no right or obligation to say anything about his affair partner. First of all, ask yourself do you feel comfortable sleeping and having an illicit affair with someone else's husband? How does that make you feel at the end?

 

Why are you having an affair with someone else husband in the first place?

 

Why is your MM sneaking around and tipping behind his wife's back, living a double life, lying, cheating and deceiving his wife?

 

Are you concerned about the heartache and pain that is headed your way once the wife finds out what is going on?

 

Are you going to be prepared to deal with what is ahead of you?

 

You have to look out for yourself and put you first. In reality, I am against the OW having affairs with MM cause those type of affairs will really make your head spin around and around. You will find yourself in a place you will regret in the future. This MM will blow your mind, totally trip you out and turn your life upside-down!

 

So ask yourself if the risk is really worth it.

 

When you are fed up with being an affair partner with the MM, then you can take steps to move forward.

 

For the time being, you are hurting yourself and holding yourself back from freedom.

 

You are cheating yourself by setting for less.

 

Your MM goes home and sleeps in the bed with his wife and does things that married folk do.So why should your MM care about who you spend your intimacy with in the first place? !

 

You need love just like he does. But you are not going to find what you're looking for with MM.

 

Please stop cheating and depriving yourself of what you truly deserve. Once you get away from the MM, then you can forgive yourself and let love find you.

 

And to answer your question, no you don't have to sit around and wait for any MM. That's the toxic part of being in an affair with a MM. It becomes addictive and fatal.

 

Kick your MM to the curb, then proceed forward.

 

"Free your mind, the rest will follow. .." Envogue

Edited April 24, 2016 by 2016forme

[Poppy47]

He's probably afraid of transferring and STD to his wife.

 

You don't owe him any loyalty or obligation whatsoever. Let it be known to him that you will do whatever you like and you will not tell him.

 

If he doesn't like that, tell him to go away or you can use stronger language if you please.

Poppy

 

ps Tell him to go away anyway. How dare he make demands on you.

[sandylee1]

This just occurred to me as I read this thread. While generalizations are tough, this seems so true for so many of these situations. Why is it that with MM the wife "always comes first" even if they profess to be miserable and clearly don't care enough about them not to cheat? And why do women seem much more willing to place higher priority on the MM? Is it just because it's more emotional for women, or is more involved?

 

Those that are truly miserable will leave whether they have a mistress or not. These MM just want a bit more than they get at home.

 

If they divorced ... they'd actually have to do stuff with their little kids ...like bath ... dress... prepare meals (although many would just go to McDonald's).... they don't want you... they want the wife to give what you do in addition to everything she does at home ... While he barely takes part in chores or child rearing duties.

 

It boils down to immaturity.

 

You must have better options than being with another woman's husband...... go out and get yourself a man who won't bail and go back to his wife. As long as you're with him ...you'll come after the wife /kids /dog /cat /parents /leaking roof ..... you get my drift right

[ashley1992]

he seems possessive of u.. So he can have an affair and be unfaithful to his wife and u can't do the same? I guess his emotionally attached to u and now he sensed a small portion of what his wife would feel if she found out?

[sandylee1]

This just occurred to me as I read this thread. While generalizations are tough, this seems so true for so many of these situations. Why is it that with MM the wife "always comes first" even if they profess to be miserable and clearly don't care enough about them not to cheat? And why do women seem much more willing to place higher priority on the MM? Is it just because it's more emotional for women, or is more involved?

 

Women can be fools in love because of their emotions. They also have a higher tolerance for taking abuse of any kind and are more gullible/naive. Even in bad times they hold out hope that things will get better... when it's clear that isn't happening to everyone else around them.

 

Women make excuses for men so often:..

 

- he only does it when he's drunk

- It's because his dad left when he was young

- He's not had a loving home

- He's got low self esteem and needs validation

- He has trouble expressing himself

- his mom was mean to him

 

Now some of these things may well be the case .....but that doesn't stop them knowing right from wrong.

 

One male friend once talking about a woman he knew said "she behaves like a man" ..she slept around and didn't have any attachment to the guys some of whom became besotted with them. He also said she was tight fisted. Women tend to be more generous and giving.....

 

Too many women accept that they are the weaker sex and go into victim mode and happliy accept being the secondary woman.

[Lady Hamilton]

What dynamic have you laid out? Did you agree to be exclusive and he thinks you're breaking that? Did you not agree to be exclusive and he's angry that you're presenting yourself in a way that implies non-exclusivity?

 

Ultimately, it's what you decide between you (or don't) and what you're both willing to put up with that decides if you "broke the rules" or not.

 

It seems like he's saying you did. Now you can either say "sorry, won't happen again" or "sorry not sorry, you don't tell me what to do" and deal with the consequences.

[Friskyone4u]

Welcome to the world of having a married man as your boyfriend. And it probably will not get better.

 

So if the idea of being controlled like that by some guy who is using you for sex stays appealing, get used to it.

 

You can be free to do what you want, with who you want, and when you want ANYTIME you decide to because you do not have to answer to a husband like he has a wife.

 

And she will come first until she catches him. Then the chances are he will dump you like a hot potato. That is the way most of affairs like yours turn out. If vyou want to believe you will be different, that is your choice.

 

You are in total control here if you want to be, and you will probably be a lot happier in the long run if you make some different choices

[MissBee]

Does a married person have a right to complain about his affair partner sharing bed with another men (no sex, no physical contact, no emotions, just someone crashing in the same bed for the night... )??

That same night he bailed and left to be with his wife. Was I supposed to stay alone and sad, or respond to a suggestion from a friend to come over for a glass of wine and a movie, during which we both fell asleep fully dressed up?

 

Short answer: no.

 

But affairs are complicated in my experience because so many of the normal feelings that occur in relationship often have no "legitimate" place to go in the context of an affair, yet the affair doesn't make you not feel the feelings, so you still feel them and don't know what to do. Sometimes you bottle it up, sometimes you express them, sometimes you're passive aggressive about it and usually it's all complicated and tense because there is the looming reality that so many levels of being ethical, trust, fidelity have become muddled in the scenario, that for some it's hard to draw a clear line between what is and isn't okay. With your regular bf or spouse, what you can or should expect is usually clear and agreed upon by common sense, in an affair often all those conventions are up for grabs.

[Ana-Iva]

What dynamic have you laid out? Did you agree to be exclusive and he thinks you're breaking that? Did you not agree to be exclusive and he's angry that you're presenting yourself in a way that implies non-exclusivity?

 

Ultimately, it's what you decide between you (or don't) and what you're both willing to put up with that decides if you "broke the rules" or not.

 

It seems like he's saying you did. Now you can either say "sorry, won't happen again" or "sorry not sorry, you don't tell me what to do" and deal with the consequences.

 

Hi,

 

No rules existed and no rules were broken. He once told me he had no jealousies about other people with his former affair partners.

We never had any talk or expectation of being exclusive (how could that even be possible under the circumstances) and it was clear we were not - he made it clear at the start that only once he thought of leaving his wife for someone and that was very long time ago and that now it was just too late to change anything.

 

As I knew we could never had it all, I adjusted myself to that reality as much as I could. There were feelings involved and feelings hurt, yes, but I worked through it all so we can spend time together.

When he needed to be a bit tolerant, handle a bit of pain (just a small part of what I have to tolerate every day on a much larger scale) he broke down. He never even thought about how I feel. He never appreciated what I had to do to be with him - I agreed to live with the pain of the circumstances just to be able to spend time with him. And now he cannot get over this "too close for comfort" guy who was there just because he wasn't? I guess I am a much stronger person than him after all.

 

I would completely understand his reaction if he were in the process of divorce or was separated and we were in a relationship that was going somewhere, but this is not the case. So I thought - ok, at least I am aware of what I'm getting into... Apparently I was not because this overreaction is something I never thought could happen.

 

His logic is that I shouldn't have broken something so special between us so soon after we slept together for the first time and after we spent a perfect day together. We did have feelings for each other and I was drawn to him in some very strange and wonderful way. He meant a lot to me for many reasons and he was special in my life for as long as we were together.

He kept saying how he would never do it to me. But he did it to me every night when he would go home and share bed with someone else. He just did not see that as an issue. I pointed out how the fact that I slept next to someone else (both fully dressed) does not affect my feelings for him, just like the fact that he is sleeping in the same bed his wife every night, does not affect his feelings for me... but he ignored the analogy because it did not validate his hurt feelings and ego. He thought that me lying fully dressed next to a guy that was fully dressed was a massive betrayal of everything we had.

 

But he was the one that got things rolling that night...

Instead to come over as we planned, especially because his working day was cut short, he went home and went to an event with his wife where he was not even expected to show up as he was scheduled to work till late. If he wanted me to treat our relationship as something special, why didn't he? I was supposed to stay alone to cherish how our relationship was special, while he was within his rights to cancel plans with me to go to some event with his wife, and then go home and spend night with her, and that should be fine? If it were so special to him, why would he not come to see me? Or was I supposed to be the only one that kept that up... I wish he could have shown some emotional strength and maturity, find a way to man up and get over it (even though there is not much to get over). Hurt feelings should be cast aside and worked through. That would have been the only way this could have functioned, because I would not agree to a unilateral exclusivity.

 

He ignored the fact that I did not even touch this other guy and refused to see my texts that can prove that. He accused me of some crazy things like someone sneaking out my backyard door (as if anyone would have to hide and run from him - he is not my partner or bf), me acting jittery when he came over and his theory was that it was because I spent the night with the other guy... No, it was because I did not want to even look at him or hug and kiss him after he bailed on me and left me hanging for two days in a row. But he thought he knew the reasons better than I did. Did not believe me because "he is so good at his job and can see through people who have something to hide". Apparently not as good as he thinks he is. Surprises me often with how badly he reads my behaviour and reactions and most of the time connects it to the wrong emotion.

 

The other guy did try to kiss me when he was leaving in the morning, true, but I turned him down. When I tell him things like these, he just dismisses them in one word. Or just acknowledges in one word before dismissing them: “I understand, BUT…”

 

No way forward that way.

Edited April 24, 2016 by Ana-Iva

[Ana-Iva]

Short answer: no.

 

But affairs are complicated in my experience because so many of the normal feelings that occur in relationship often have no "legitimate" place to go in the context of an affair, yet the affair doesn't make you not feel the feelings, so you still feel them and don't know what to do. Sometimes you bottle it up, sometimes you express them, sometimes you're passive aggressive about it and usually it's all complicated and tense because there is the looming reality that so many levels of being ethical, trust, fidelity have become muddled in the scenario, that for some it's hard to draw a clear line between what is and isn't okay. With your regular bf or spouse, what you can or should expect is usually clear and agreed upon by common sense, in an affair often all those conventions are up for grabs.

 

I like your post. It is true that feelings occur and have no home to go to. You cannot expect not to get hurt in a situation like this, unless it is based purely on sex. It is true that people express feelings differently. But whatever is happening there has to be some reciprocity and fairness, so that one partner is not expected to live with it all, while the other expects to be shielded from everything.

Edited April 24, 2016 by Ana-Iva

[Ana-Iva]

Oh and he thought that if I post this story on a forum that everyone will say I did NOT do the right thing under the circumstances.

The right thing would have been me 1. putting aside my disappointment that he bailed on me Thu and Fri and instead to come to mine he went to an event (where he was not even expected to show up) 2. spending Friday evening alone, again, knowing he is sipping champagne with his wife, that he will go home and share bed with her, 3. blowing off my friend who offered company on Friday so that I do not ruin our "special relationship"

 

Circumstances were that 1. we had feelings for each other 2. that we were intimate for the first time on Wed (two days before my friend stayed over) after three month of knowing each other.

 

No denying that feelings were there and that they were strong and that we had great time together. But he is asking me to be his faithful little girlfriend, while doing whatever he wants and not having any reciprocal obligations towards me, sleeping with other woman(or women) and all that... My feelings did not matter.

[Dancewithme]

Oh and he thought that if I post this story on a forum that everyone will say I did NOT do the right thing under the circumstances.

The right thing would have been me 1. putting aside my disappointment that he bailed on me Thu and Fri and instead to come to mine he went to an event (where he was not even expected to show up) 2. spending Friday evening alone, again, knowing he is sipping champagne with his wife, that he will go home and share bed with her, 3. blowing off my friend who offered company on Friday so that I do not ruin our "special relationship"

 

Circumstances were that 1. we had feelings for each other 2. that we were intimate for the first time on Wed (two days before my friend stayed over) after three month of knowing each other.

 

 

No denying that feelings were there and that they were strong and that we had great time together. But he is asking me to be his faithful little girlfriend, while doing whatever he wants and not having any reciprocal obligations towards me, sleeping with other woman(or women) and all that... My feelings did not matter.

 

Why put up with this if you are not getting what you want/deserve? A partner to whom you are the priority? A partner who has the right to question who else you are sleeping with?

 

He is married. The wife will should always come first. Doesn't matter if he wasn't originally going to that event. He did, and you really don't have any right to grumble about it. Nor do you have the right to grumble about him spending the night with his wife.

 

Yeah, it hurt your feelings. And yeah, he had no right to question you about who else is in your bed. But, maybe your hurt feelings are the start you need to make you question why you are in this relationship with MM.

 

Time to do some serious self-reflection...

[Ana-Iva]

Why put up with this if you are not getting what you want/deserve? A partner to whom you are the priority? A partner who has the right to question who else you are sleeping with?

 

He is married. The wife will should always come first. Doesn't matter if he wasn't originally going to that event. He did, and you really don't have any right to grumble about it. Nor do you have the right to grumble about him spending the night with his wife.

 

Yeah, it hurt your feelings. And yeah, he had no right to question you about who else is in your bed. But, maybe your hurt feelings are the start you need to make you question why you are in this relationship with MM.

 

Time to do some serious self-reflection...

 

Thanks. Totally agree with everything you said.

Especially that neither of us have right to complain about other people. The key message is once again reciprocity. If I cannot complain, neither can he.

This was going to be open relationship and I have no clue what happened all of a sudden. It can be either mutually exclusive (which it wasn't) or mutually open. It cannot (!) be unilaterally faithful.

 

But I figured out he hits many traits of a certain spectrum personality disorder all of us are afraid to meet (and I will let you make your conclusion which disorder):

- Entitlement

- Creates drama when he is not the centre of my universe

- Loved the way I made him feel, not me

- Feelings and needs of others never matter much at all

- Not much empathy for anything

- No understanding for the principle of reciprocity

- Drawn to all things material which can show superiority

- Works very hard on keeping up appearances

- Divides people on those who have a lot of money and high social status and those who don't

- Lacks the ability of introspection and self-criticism

- Real intimacy comes from our willingness to be vulnerable with others and he hasn't got that ability, so he puts up a front of the way he wants to be seen

- Compensatory false self-image and comes off as quite conceded BUT...

- at the root of all this is deep feeling of inadequacy...

He was also emotionally neglected in childhood (told me his parents did not show much love to him and he never had heart to heart with his parents) so the trigger might be there.

 

Sometimes I thought I could sense some sadness in his face and eyes...Makes me want to give him a hug right now but I do steer clear of any codependency-induced relationships as I am very aware of my protective and nurturing nature.

[sandylee1]

Oh and he thought that if I post this story on a forum that everyone will say I did NOT do the right thing under the circumstances.

 

Given the nature of your relationship with him (an Affair), I DO NOT agree with him at all. While he's married he can't expect you to sob at home alone.

 

In fact even if you'd slept with the other guy .... I wouldn't blame you or think you did wrong.

 

But forgetting him for a moment .... married men will ditch their mistresses at the last minute....so if you stay in this relationship.. buckle up and prepare for a lot more hurt

 

Know that he double dips.... because it's the nature of the beast that is an affair. I'm not talking right or wrong of an affair .... but why are sloppy seconds and not being the number 1 woman in your boyfriends life okay with you?

 

Why do you settle for it? What's so great about him that you couldn't get in another man... who wouldn't let you down at the 11th hour?

 

Now don't get me wrong ... you could meet a single guy who's a waste of time... but you'd see through it quicker as he wouldn't have the excuse of wife or kids.

 

Ask yourself ... aren't you worth being more than a dirty secret? I'll bet you can do way better.

[Grapesofwrath]

Would it bother you less if he was perfectly okay with you sleeping with another man? This is one of the conundrums that an affair presents:

 

If he is jealous and possessive, he's a hypocrite. If he is perfectly fine with you dating others, he's a cavalier and uncaring ass. Not sure which is worse.

 

My xMM would say he was okay with it, because he knew that to say otherwise would be hypocritical. But his actions showed something different. For example, if he knew I had a date on the weekend, he would text me late that night to see if I was home and would answer. (He did not usually text on weekends, but would make an exception if he knew I was out with someone else.) He also once made a strange remark about knowing I dated other men and wanting to "shoot himself" when he thought about it. None of these are healthy responses, because there can be no healthy response to this unhealthy situation.

Edited April 25, 2016 by Grapesofwrath