Should a bf comment on other women's attractiveness?

[vagabonder]

I've been dating current bf for around 5 months. We're both in our 40s. Almost everything is wonderful about him and our relationship, except for one thing really bothering me. He will often make comments about a woman being pretty, cute or gorgeous. Usually it is in reference to actresses but he has called one of my friends gorgeous and made comments such as the women at a particular restaurant are all attractive.

 

I've dated a lot through my life and never once have had a guy be so upfront and honest. It makes me feel like appearances are a priority to him (he says they are not). I have always appreciated guys that don't comment on women's looks because it makes them seem like they respect their SO more and also less likely to cheat.

 

I know he's going to notice attractive women. I don't appreciate the emphasis on it though. I've talked to him about it and he says all guys look and that he's not focused on it, but I have a heard time believing he's just noticing and isn't gawking if he's making so many comments. Now it has become awkward because I'm wondering when he is restraining from commenting and feeling like I am controlling him, which I don't want either. Not sure how to proceed and could use other perspectives.

[SherryEast]

I feel as if it's disrespectful... I mean, how would HE feel if you were repeatedly commenting on finding other men attractive?

[Amalyn]

On one hand, I would understand that there are attractive women and he is going to notice. But on another hand, I would find it a little disrespectful to be blatantly pointing it out. I've never had a guy I was dating make comments about another woman while in a public place. Maybe an actress/singer on TV or in a movie, which is understandable.

 

I don't think this would sit well with me.

[Shanex]

If it's an actress no worries. However such comments about other women and friends attractivity sounds a bit tacky. Plus it's only been 5 months. I won't assume hell cheat on you but I've been in 5 more months relationship and if you two are great together as you said, something ain't right.

 

I don't think you are insecure either. By 40 you must know a good deal about dating. Normally any single man can enjoy spring and summer women clothes and looks. I'm a bit ambivalent with this thread. Being a man and looking at cuties seems average man behavior, thing is. He's your boyfriend and it's been a few months in.

 

Think long-term with him?

[tayriley]

i feel like it is an american, or maybe western thing that couples pretend they aren't attracted to others when they are in a relationship. i remember being a kid and my mom and dad went to one of those las vegas showgirls shows, and afterward my mom told me she couldn't wait to take me when i was old enough because the women were so beautiful and amazing.

in fact, growing up, i always heard my mom compliment how beautiful some female movie stars are. i think any jealousy you feel is tied to insecurities you have. if you can step back, realize your guy will NEVER have a chance with these women, and just enjoy them for their beauty/talent, you will enjoy your own life a lot more.

 

...all that said, it is TOTALLY inappropriate for him to comment on your friends being attractive. him doing this is either him being REALLY DUMB and clueless, or him gaslighting and trying to make you jealous on purpose. if everything else about him is wonderful, then i tend to think the former- he is just really ****ing clueless. so in that case, just tell him it bothers you when you comment on the attractiveness of people in your lives (waitress, friend, etc). now if YOU say something complimentary first, it opens it up for him to agree with you.

 

a lot of the time, i find that saying the obvious thing really takes the tension out of the situation. like if a waitress serving you has really nice boobs, i'd definitely comment on them, because i know we are both looking at it and thinking it. so what? you share a little secret giggle between the two of you, and it is your own little intimate moment.

[xxoo]

We're in our 40s, but married. We do enjoy joking about actors and actresses we each find attractive, but it's lighthearted and no one feels bad. Fun.

 

If you don't enjoy it, ask him what his purpose is in sharing those thoughts. We don't need to voice every thought in our heads. If it's not mutually enjoyable, why does he continue to share? Ask him that.

[vagabonder]

I do see long term with him other than this. One other incident is I was talking about Celtic music and he commented, "oh, like those pretty fiddle players?" This drives me crazy because I should be able to talk about music without it bringing up beautiful women from 10+ years ago.

 

He has stopped since I mentioned it a few weeks ago, but is now suggesting we work brought whatever my issue with it is. And I'm just left wondering how often is he biting his tongue? So before we dive more into the tooic, I'm trying to better grasp if I'm a prude or he's a jerk?

[len51]

I think most men do look at attractive women. The only difference is that some keep it to themselves and the others speak about. I always spoke about it and I think that is the reason that my three relationships, including my marriage were with bisexual women. Since the age of 14 I have been able to girl watch with my partner. My wife usually spots hot women before I do and then we discuss which one of us has a better chance to end up in bed with her or would we rather share her.

 

Men are hardwired genetically to be attracted to women whom they consider a good mate to combine their genes with. As with love, attraction is a chemical response in the brain and it cannot be thought into or out of existence. All that men can do it be subtle and not say anything. That is why lots of guys wear sunglasses.

[smackie9]

Just tell him to keep his comments to himself because it bugs you.

[urmysong]

my ex husband is like that. ( i will call him ex since he broke up with me a month ago). he is a very good provider, and kind to my family. he is a very good Dad, a good person too. But like You, it also bothers me when he comments sexy girls or pretty ladies so vocal in front of me. ( anyway, he told me I am not sexy cause I have small boobies which maybe make me more insecure to others. and became very sensitive whenever he comments of sexy and pretty gal. Just like when we were walking together, and he saw a girl who wears brown blouse and brown jeans and the hair is like blonde but it is filipina like me just colored her hair and then he stopped and said "wow, she is beautiful". so I frowned from smiling face and when he noticed that my facial expression changed, he said "she is beautiful as a girl but not as a woman, Your my woman". But that girl is looks the same age like me. I may not have big boobs but my friends found me sexy cause I am petite and slender, just flat chested. but my ex husband found me not sexy.

I thought only me is like that, i thought this is filipina trait but me is like You. I am just 28 and my ex husband was my first boyfriend but I am not sexy for him.

[urmysong]

I even get jealous that he has topless pic of Jennifer aniston on his laptop, which makes me crazy (funny but true, drives me crazy), thinking that I am not sexy for him and he has topless of aniston which i get insecure cause i have flat chested.

[carhill]

Should a bf comment on other women's attractiveness?

 

Should *your* BF comment on other women's attractiveness? You set your own boundaries. If minds don't meet, delete.

 

Men, in general, like looking at women and commenting on women's body parts. For those who do it more, and more openly, expect them to do it until they're dead, yep, even long after the equipment for procreating stops cashing the checks their ego and brain are writing. It's what they do.

[vagabonder]

Should *your* BF comment on other women's attractiveness? You set your own boundaries. If minds don't meet, delete.

 

Men, in general, like looking at women and commenting on women's body parts. For those who do it more, and more openly, expect them to do it until they're dead, yep, even long after the equipment for procreating stops cashing the checks their ego and brain are writing. It's what they do.

 

 

Is there a difference between the men that comment vs the ones that keep their thought to themselves? I get all men will find other women attractive. But Is there a difference in their respect level towards women? Their level of gawking vs noticing? Their loyalty towards their SO? I've just never been with a guy so blunt.

[vagabonder]

Urmysong - I'm so sorry your husband treats you that way. It is one thing to comment about other women, but my bf at least tells me I am sexy. It is another to tell you that you are not beautiful. This is not okay behavior. Please stand up for yourself and tell him how it makes you feel. That is extremely demoralizing. I'm so sorry. ?

[xxoo]

Is there a difference between the men that comment vs the ones that keep their thought to themselves? I get all men will find other women attractive. But Is there a difference in their respect level towards women? Their level of gawking vs noticing? Their loyalty towards their SO? I've just never been with a guy so blunt.

 

There is a difference in level of respect and kindness, knowing that your partner doesn't enjoy the comments.

 

Noticing isn't limited to men by any means, and is normally done discreetly. What happens when you comment on a beautiful body on a young man? Which, of course you notice!

[Methodical]

It doesn't bother me when hubs makes comments. Many times I'll make comments too. I prefer open, honest communication without pretentiousness or feeling like we need to walk on eggshells around each other. We aren't making comparisons in a way that could be construed as offhanded put-downs, just merely making observations and sharing opinions about beautiful ppl. I find it interesting to know what trips his trigger and, imo, it's healthier and more uplifting than pointing out flaws or making fun of ppl.

 

That said, it bothers you. In order to avoid pretentiousness, you addressed it and he stopped. Clearly he respects your feelings and that's conducive to a healthy relationship .

[Gaeta]

Is there a difference between the men that comment vs the ones that keep their thought to themselves? I get all men will find other women attractive. But Is there a difference in their respect level towards women? Their level of gawking vs noticing? Their loyalty towards their SO? I've just never been with a guy so blunt.

 

Men have a sexual thought every 7 minutes and toward every woman they come across in a day. It is what it is. Your boyfriend needs to censure himself like any respectable boyfriend would do.

 

Relationships are about adapting to each other and compromising. You told him it bothers you and he stopped doing it. Nothing wrong with that. He needs to bite his tongue? So what? I don't want my boyfriend to blur out everything that comes out of his mind, he better censure himself too.

 

If situation was reverse you would bite your tongue for him I am sure.

[PrettyEmily77]

We're in our 40s, but married. We do enjoy joking about actors and actresses we each find attractive, but it's lighthearted and no one feels bad. Fun.

 

If you don't enjoy it, ask him what his purpose is in sharing those thoughts. We don't need to voice every thought in our heads. If it's not mutually enjoyable, why does he continue to share? Ask him that.

 

Agreed.

 

Not married but in a committed LTR of one year and we playfully tease each other all the time about celebrity crushes - totally harmless. My SO compliments me at the most random times and makes it shown that he means it (as do I), which is what matters to me.

 

 

TBH, I wouldn't trust a guy who would tell me I'm the only woman on his radar / he doesn't notice anyone else; one of my exes used to do that all the time (to make me feel appreciated, I guess) but it used to irk me because it felt disingenuous and over-the-top.

 

Another one used to remind me whenever we had an argument that I didn't look like his exes (all Megan Fox-types, total babes) - used to make me feel extremely insecure because it felt like emotional abuse.

 

So I guess it depends on where you draw the line - to me, any comparative mention of exes or excessive, repetitive comments about female friends / colleagues / anyone in our social circle would warrant a talk.

[bathtub-row]

I was watching a movie at my house once with my son (who was about 18 at the time) and with a guy I've been friends with for years (he was in his 50's). The guy is not and never was a bf. Anyway, throughout the movie, the friend kept making comments about the women in the movie, etc, and it started getting on my nerves because it was pretty excessive. After he left, my son brought it up. He told me how ridiculous the guy sounded, how inappropriate his comments were, and basically said he needed to grow up. That made me laugh. My teen son had more sense about appropriateness than my 50+ friend.

 

Having said all that, I don't think there's anything wrong with a guy saying that he thinks someone is beautiful but I think it's the spirit in which it's done that would matter to me. As a straight woman who's a great lover of art, I often notice beautiful things -- and men and women are no exception. I have made comments to bf's before that I think a person is beautiful or whatever. I wouldn't like a guy saying it all the time because it would get monotonous. It's somewhat of a fine line though. I think it's great that your bf is honest but he doesn't seem to know the difference between what's appropriate and what isn't.

 

Also I think it depends on whether he makes you feel like you fit into those "hot" and "beautiful" categories yourself. I was once married to a guy who was crazy about blondes. Since I'm a brunette, his comments made me feel inferior. We were both really young and I now write off his behavior to just being young and dumb. Our marriage didn't last for a variety of reasons but I never forgot how he made me feel like I would never truly measure up to his real dream girl.

[Noideanow]

I dont like Those things either and as a woman i make sure nok to comment on or think of any other man as sexy when i love someone, he must feel Secure that hes the only attractive man for me and if he makes me feel otherwise Im out:cool: Dont compare me to Nobody, whatever bodyshape or haircoulor it doesnt matter;) its enough that i myself compare dont need him to do the sick thing too:)

By the Way i think men who do it are insecure themselves and try to make the woman jealous:mad: only one eception i Can think of is when it actually is someone i Can see is extremely beautiful/or i actually think looks like me Then it may be allright:D but only may:confused: confused:cool:

[Madame_Noire]

I can see why it upsets you OP.

 

However, having a topless pic of another woman - celebrity or not is a little over the top, yeah, do that sort of thing if you are single, not when you are in a relationship or married. This is disrespectful to you.

 

Some women are very self-critical and comparing themselves to others all the time, that was evident when you mentioned the topless Jennifer Aniston pic and then made a comparison with yourself.

 

I have a colleague at work whose wife has a picture of 50 Shades actor Jamie Dornan as her cover picture on Facebook. That I found a little strange but each to their own.

 

I often ask my partner which celebrities he thinks are attractive and I will tell him who I think is attractive. However, I do not fancy, lust after or fantasize about them. I just look at them and say "Yeah, that guy is attractive"

 

When I was younger, I was very insecure and jealous and this would be an issue, but mainly because my previous exes were not very attentive, they had low libidos so I thought they didn't find me attractive and we were not very compatible for one another.

 

Do talk to him, express to him that you are not happy or comfortable with him doing this all the time.

[smackie9]

Is there a difference between the men that comment vs the ones that keep their thought to themselves? I get all men will find other women attractive. But Is there a difference in their respect level towards women? Their level of gawking vs noticing? Their loyalty towards their SO? I've just never been with a guy so blunt.

My experience yes. Different men have different levels of respect.

[d0nnivain]

He has stopped since I mentioned it a few weeks ago, but is now suggesting we work brought whatever my issue with it is. And I'm just left wondering how often is he biting his tongue? So before we dive more into the tooic, I'm trying to better grasp if I'm a prude or he's a jerk?

 

 

You mentioned you didn't like it & he stopped. That is a good thing. He cares about your feelings.

 

 

Some people think what he's doing in making conversation. It's really not a huge thing. Just because he thinks some other person is attractive & comments about that fact does not mean he's planning to dump you or that he doesn't find you attractive. Try to remember that & take comfort in the fact that he is dating you not anybody else.

 

 

If he slips once in a while, let it go. That's part of the compromise. He keeps the comments to himself but you don't go ballistic if he slips up.

[carhill]

I do see long term with him other than this. One other incident is I was talking about Celtic music and he commented, "oh, like those pretty fiddle players?" This drives me crazy because I should be able to talk about music without it bringing up beautiful women from 10+ years ago.

People are a mixed bag and absolutely none of us is perfect. Forming a relationship with another mixed bag requires mixing one's own bag a bit too. The same goes for him, with regard to your behaviors.

 

He has stopped since I mentioned it a few weeks ago, but is now suggesting we work brought whatever my issue with it is.

Good, open up a dialogue on both your boundaries and his behaviors. Expect him to have similar commentary on some of your behaviors because, well, you're not perfect either. Couples who care about and love each other work this stuff out and, IME, if feels real positive and bonding when they do. It builds intimacy and truly getting each other's 'stuff'.

And I'm just left wondering how often is he biting his tongue?

No need to wonder. Ask.

So before we dive more into the tooic, I'm trying to better grasp if I'm a prude or he's a jerk?

Try to label less and understand and communicate more. Good luck!

[elaine567]

Noticing isn't limited to men by any means, and is normally done discreetly. What happens when you comment on a beautiful body on a young man? Which, of course you notice!

 

Women notice beautiful men all the time too, but usually have the decency to keep quiet about it so as not to hurt, embarrass or upset their partner.

The "hot" friend, the handsome waiter, the cool guy in the club, the beautiful guy walking on the street are all noticed and appreciated by women.

Some men just need to grow up and start taking other people's feelings into consideration.