Should a bf comment on other women's attractiveness?

[carhill]

The OP wrote:

 

We're both in our 40s.

 

Almost everything is wonderful about him and our relationship

 

I've dated a lot through my life and never once have had a guy be so upfront and honest

 

OP, on total, do you feel this 40-something male who you describe as wonderful and is so upfront and honest is someone who 'needs to grow up'? What's your opinion on that?

[abby_tx]

What he's saying is PROBABLY what all guys are thinking, he just doesn't have the empathy(?) to understand why saying it outloud would be hurtful. I have a girl friend who does the same thing. No filter. Just says things not realizing how saying them would affect the person they're with. I don't know if this would be a dealbreaker. I'd find it hurtful though.

[vagabonder]

The OP wrote:

 

OP, on total, do you feel this 40-something male who you describe as wonderful and is so upfront and honest is someone who 'needs to grow up'? What's your opinion on that?

 

In all other aspects he is very mature. On this area, though, it does feel immature and disrespectful. I would feel embarrassed if he made those comments in front of my friends (coed group) because they don't seem to make comments such as these often.

 

Very interesting to read the different perspectives. I think in the conversation he wants to have, he is seeking for a way in which he can continue the comments so he can be his authentic self, with an understanding of why it bothers me. And after all my soul searching, I don't think it is because of insecurities, but just that I find it disrespectful and a focus on appearances. Again, both of us will notice other attractive people, but the need to comment to me feels like it is more of a priority thought and value. But trying to truly understand if my feelings are valid here.

 

Thanks again for all the perspectives.

[carhill]

Since he's apparently agreed to refrain from making such comments moving forward, you'll now get to experience a more completely compatible interaction. Hopefully that will meet with your approval. That said, beware of two things:

 

1. Too much bend in any relationship by any one partner.

 

2. Reigning in too much of the untamed boy, if this behavior is the only or one of the few vestigial signs.

 

A 40-something man has a pretty defined and well-developed psyche. Many, perhaps not all, are pretty set in their ways and don't easily change. Sure, they can bend but things can also leak out elsewhere. Time will tell. Good luck!

[Maxtor]

I love when people complain about stuff like this, and there is ALWAYS someone that replies:

 

"Its because of your insecurities."

 

Really? Is it?

 

Because I know a lot of "secure" guys, that were cheated.

 

Its like burping or farting, it may be fisiologically normal, but keep it to yourself.

Edited April 25, 2016 by Maxtor

[itstoni]

I've been dating current bf for around 5 months. We're both in our 40s. Almost everything is wonderful about him and our relationship, except for one thing really bothering me. He will often make comments about a woman being pretty, cute or gorgeous. Usually it is in reference to actresses but he has called one of my friends gorgeous and made comments such as the women at a particular restaurant are all attractive.

 

I've dated a lot through my life and never once have had a guy be so upfront and honest. It makes me feel like appearances are a priority to him (he says they are not). I have always appreciated guys that don't comment on women's looks because it makes them seem like they respect their SO more and also less likely to cheat.

 

I know he's going to notice attractive women. I don't appreciate the emphasis on it though. I've talked to him about it and he says all guys look and that he's not focused on it, but I have a heard time believing he's just noticing and isn't gawking if he's making so many comments. Now it has become awkward because I'm wondering when he is restraining from commenting and feeling like I am controlling him, which I don't want either. Not sure how to proceed and could use other perspectives.

 

Replying to the title - Yeah, It's perfectly fine. You having an issue with it are your own insecurities.

[Tribble]

It's an interesting one really. And to answer the title, yes. And no. No bf should or shouldn't do anything really. You set your own boundaries in your own relationships. Both you and him. You decide what is acceptable, discuss it and, if they agree, you move forward together. If you don't agree, you move on. Like a few people have said, it's about compromise.

 

 

I think it's really positive that you discussed it and he stopped. But what's more positive is that he wants to talk about it further. You not liking his comments is a symptom of something. Whether that is insecurities, it raises doubts about his maturity, values etc. He wants to understand this. Him biting his tongue isn't going to address the core issue.

 

 

From my point of view, with my ex, I didn't mind at all. He commented on people, celebrities, friends and I was fine with it. And I'm an exceptionally insecure person. But I felt very secure with him. He made me feel beautiful and I knew he would always come home to me. He just appreciated others. I know everyone does and him biting his tongue seemed a bit pointless. The only time I didn't like it was when our relationship was over but we were feeling out to see if we could give it another go. Then it felt like these other people were so different to me and he liked them so much, why would he want to be with me? What was fine before made me an insecure wreck after. Which was a symptom of a failed relationship.