help with unclear message

[confusedgirl]

I'd been dating this great guy for nearly four months, and was completely falling in love with him. He had, up to this point, been the man of my dreams. We hit a point, when he said that we had definitely hit some communication problems (each was too timid to really discuss our situation) and he broke up with me. It destroyed me that he would give up on us so quickly, but then got to talking to the boy more. I told him how I had been falling in love with him, and he stopped me right there. He said that he had needed to hear that, that he couldn't respond to me in the way that he felt because he thought I didn't care about him (i have a history of dumping guys pretty quickly, but not this one). Trouble is, he started something with another girl shortly thereafter. He says he still sees a future for us, and wants to eventually be with me, but needs to make sure this girl isn't "it" for him. He tells me he really doesn't see a future with her, but doesn't want to get involved with me until he's sure he can give it his all, and can't do that when he's still unsure with her. Second trouble, she's totally trashing my name, and is manipulating him (we have mutual friends that have told me all of this, and she personally threatened me). He won't believe me, because I have a biased opinion, but I never lie--I'm not lying about this. Third problem is, I am leaving for a semester overseas in three months, and he is graduating from college. He thinks we could catch back up after I get back--I think we need to give it a shot before we go. What should I do? I am in love with him, and know he is in love with me, but he won't take this risk.

[Tony T]

Did you read your own post???

 

If you had an ounce of self esteem you would tell this butthead to take a long walk off a short pier. How in heaven's name could you possibly want to have a future with a guy who is actively dating another girl to see if SHE is the one for him and not you. This is one of the top ten sickest things I've ever read on this forum.

 

The girl he is seeing is trashing your name and has made threats to you and this guy won't believe you. Have you ever thought you might just want to find a guy who does believe and trust you? Now, wouldn't that be special!!!

 

Hey, don't take my word on this. Go out and talk to some females in your town...some you don't know really well and tell them what this guy is doing. See what they say.

 

This guy is the dork of all dorks. He will NEVER have a speck of respect for you if you just sit and wait around while he sees this other girl and keeps you on a string. I mean this is so sick I have to go throw up. It makes me really mad and I thought I had mellowed out.

 

Oh, and you are going out of the country for three months. Wow...another opportunity for him to find other chicks to see if THEY may be the ones for him and not you.

 

Get some self esteem and self respect at your local drug store today and tell this guy to take a hike. You have no idea how good it'll make you feel. There is just NO WAY you can love a guy who craps on you the way this guy is doing...unless you have no love for yourself at all.

[Dragonflys]

Tony

 

You again reminded me of how much you have softened up.

 

It was good to see a speckle of the old Tony there..

 

Bring it on!!!!!!

 

We all need a good wake up call occasionally.

 

Oliver

[jana]

I am in such an identical situation, that it makes me sick, too. However, I am the girl that was chosen to be with. What is with my man? He, too, says he wants to stay with me to figure out what he wants. He is typically a wonderful man, and a wonderful boyfriend, but he has let me know that there is no definite future with us. He really needs time by himself to discover this, but I won't wait around for him, so he is choosing to figure his life out while I am in it. Can he really make that choice while trying to please me? In addition, I know that the other woman in his life really does mean a lot to him. They hang out all of the time, and he talks about how his giving up too quickly on her has made him decide to not give up quite so quickly on me. He has told me that he has definite feelings for her, seems to respect her opinion, want to remain friend, but is with me at the moment. Is it possible that he just wants his cake and wants to eat it too? Before he can really decide what is best for his life (i.e., me or her), he is either going for closure with me, or experiencing our relationship, and if we don't work out, I know he will immediately be with her (as he has already gone back to her three times in the time we've been dating, but just says he doesn't know what he wants). Am I just as stupid as she is? I love the guy, and want him to commit to me. He is with me when he's physically with me, but I know his mind is often with her.

[confusedgirl]

Tony, I have always been such a strong person, but you have given me a wake up call with this one. I directly went over to the guy's house, and told him that while my heart has always been open, I, as a whole, was no longer open to him. I told him that I couldn't even be friends with him. We have gotten back together a few times, and recently decided to try our hand at being friends first. . . with the option of furthering our friendship into a relationship. He's the one who asked me to consider giving him a second chance--I did, and then he gets back together with that b**ch. His response to my going over there was that he had never ever doubted his feelings for me. He always had them, but couldn't give me the commitment he thought I deserved at this moment. (not while he was still having lose ends with this girl, and needed closure if that was in the cards for them) He told me it would hurt him deeply to not be able to speak to me every day (we have the greatest relationship, we do things together all of the time, talk for hours on end, but I told him I wouldn't get involved with him while she was in the picture). He came over to hug me, and I got up, told him that if he never decided to take that risk with me, to have a nice life-then I walked out. Did I do the right thing? I know you must think I'm this huge weakling, but I really believe that our love is lasting--just has a major glitch. He said he still wanted to try "us" eventually, that he thought our love was much stronger, but that if he went into a relationship with me now, it wouldn't be all that it could and should be, and that he wanted us to be solid when we did get together. (right person, wrong time?)

 

I know that he is not one to lie. I know he has all of the feelings for me that he says he does. I also know that he's very confused right now, and that when another girl demands his attention, and I just want him to be with me because he loves me, he is swayed by her demanding tones. I told him I thought he needed to grow a pair, and go for what he wants, but he's just going to go with the flow and not make his own decisions. I'm so lost, but so furious and relieved that I finally gave him a goodbye.

[Tony T]

Good for you. You gave him the opportunity to break it off with this other girl and get back with you and he didn't even bring up the idea.

 

This whole situation stinks...real bad. I am very proud that you did what you did. Love is very nice and very wonderful but if you don't control yourself and stick up for your part of the deal, it can crush you and wipe you all over the pavement.

 

Frankly, I think the guy is full of crap big time. If you were really that special to him, he would have gotten away from her pronto and he would be with you. I don't think he needs to grow a pair as much as he needs to learn honesty and integrity.

 

This guy was just plain not leveling with you. There were no chains keeping him with this other female. He was there because that was where he wanted to be. He's a no good louse but he belongs to somebody else now. It will be no time before you have no feelings for him at all. How could you love a guy who tries to make a fool out of you and defraud you to this extent?

 

He makes me sick!!!

[Miss Mojo]

Is it possible that he just wants his cake and wants to eat it too?

 

bloody oath!!! whilst he might be a great boyfriend and treat you well etc....what he is doing now is SO UNFAIR. i think it is absolutely CRAPPY to hang on to one person while still feeling for another.

 

if i was in this situation i would say, "look buddy, it's either me or her. don't stuff around with me here while you decide what you want" (or words to that effect anyway).

 

this guy needs an almighty jolt, a kick in the pants, his comeuppance.....jeez!! i bet his ego is feeling great right now.

 

stand your ground with this guy and leave him on his own to decide what he wants.

 

Am I just as stupid as she is?

 

honestly, no offence, but i think you're being very naive. this guy has the best of both worlds - 2 chicks that want him, he can't decide who he wants, so he will flit back and forth from each until he can figure it out.

 

I love the guy, and want him to commit to me. He is with me when he's physically with me, but I know his mind is often with her.

 

you know what you deserve? you deserve a guy who can be with you physically, emotionally, spiritually....this guy is only giving you second best. don't accept that from him, because he won't respect you for it...and if he doesn't come back, well think of it this way, he's opened up a whole new window of opportunities for other guys - and you will find one who wants to be with you and ONLY you. i know this hurts you, but don't waste your precious time with him. the longer you stay with him, the more hurt you will end up if he chooses this other girl over you, which, there is a 50/50 chance.