I'm Following My Youngest Kid Out The Door

[WantingToLeave]

The day my youngest daughter leaves for for college is the day I file for divorce from my wife of 25 years.

 

We married in 1991 right after I returned from the Gulf War. I did not know, but while I was in Iraq she had her first fling with an old boyfriend that lasted about a month, and yet she was calling me and writing me letters saying how much she loved me and couldn't wait for me to get back home.

 

I did not find out about this until three years into the marriage. By that time we had a two year old girl and one on the way. I swallowed my goad and swept it under the rug because I did not want to lose my family.

 

A third daughter came along. Then ten years into the marriage, in July 2001, my wife disappeared for a month. She had taken off with an old HS boyfriend to ride with him to Sturgis. She called and said she was never coming back. My girls and I were of course devastated. I went to a lawyer and had a divorce petition drawn up and filed.

 

Well she did come back after a month, crying and begging me to forgive her. The girls were furious with her, but they wanted their mom back and so I let her sleep on the couch for a few months. She started to keep the house perfect and be the perfect mom and after about six months persuaded me to give it a go at reconciling. We went to counseling and the whole therapy shebang. I went through the motions hoping I could get over her betrayal. I guess I deluded myself into thinking we were going to be okay.

 

She found religion and became a church lady. Of course, when she married Jesus the sex went away. We had sex maybe once a month if I was lucky. I complained, but she said having sex with me made her ashamed because it reminded her of what the bad things she had done when she ran off with her biker boyfriend.

 

Well, our 25th anniversary is coming up. She wants to go on a cruise. I told her I don't, and that I would rather spend the money on getting my daughter a car for college. She does not know that I have been to a lawyer and that I am getting my ducks in a row to divorce her. I have no love for this woman. None. I thought my love for her would come back but it never did. She has not cheated since that last affair, but she has not been the wife I wanted her to be either, despite being very communicative about what I needed, and frankly I'm tired of hoping and waiting. All she does is let me down.

 

I'm 48 but I'm in good shape and I am looking forward to being single again. I have told no one of my intentions. I feel like I'm being sneaky and deceptive, but I don't want my wife to know because she will pull out all the stops to get me to stay, and I don't want to stay.

 

I know my wife will go off the rails when I have her served and when I move out. I'm prepared for that, but I do worry about how my daughters will react. Should I risk telling them beforehand? I know my oldest daughter will not mind it. She and my middle girl have both told me I should have divorced their mom in 2001. They don't like her very much, primarily because they see her as a hypocrite. My youngest and her mom are very close and I fear this will hurt my relationship with her.

 

I don't know what I am looking for here. I guess I want validation? I don't know. I guess I just need to tell someone. Has anyone else just gotten to the point where they no longer love their spouse...whether they were a cheater or not?

[dreamingoftigers]

\

 

Oh probably. I still have doubts about my own marriage.

 

But I know in order to be an adult and decent parent I need to shyte or get off the pot.

 

I think it's pretty damned inconsiderate to have waited 15 years to sort that.

 

ANd you are, of course, blindsiding her. I know, I know, she bindsided you twice. But it isn't a competition.

 

However, I must ask, who do you have your eye on?

 

I haven't seen a long-term guy go out of a long-term marriage without having his eye on someone. Girl at work? Dating site?

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Delete full quote of starting post

[stillafool]

When does your child leave for college and have you started looking for places to live yet?

[SammySammy]

If you're seeking validation, you have it from me.

 

Divorce is not easy. Your youngest daughter will have an adjustment period no matter when she finds out. If anyone deserves to be out of a marriage, it's you.

 

I would do it just as you planned it. Wouldn't tell anyone. Serve papers and be out. To tell your daughters would unnecessarily complicate matters. Just do it. You don't owe anybody any explanations.

[Sparta]

Good for you...!!!

 

 

She deserves it...

 

Put you through all that stuff ... Good for you []

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WantingToLeave]

dreamingoftigers I hear what you are saying. Believe me I don't like this. I don't want to hurt her. As much as she has crapped on me and our marriage, she has reformed herself into a pretty good person over the last fifteen years. But she will never be the wife I need her to be. She is too selfish, too into her own goals and pursuits, and I have always felt like a second choice to her.

 

I'm convinced she would have stayed with her biker boyfriend had he not dumped her after he and his friends got done using her. I don't believe she really loves me either. I was the safe, stable guy. I was the guy who would never leave her...and she was right. I stayed for the girls. I came from a dirt poor single-parent home and I did not want that for my kids.

 

If I stay then I give up what little bit of self worth and self esteem I have left. I have sacrificed my pride and my own value to make a home for her and my kids. Now that my kids are grown I'm tired of sacrificing.

 

There is no other woman. I do not have my eyes on anyone. I am not a handsome man. I am in good shape and healthy for my age but I am a ruddy, redheaded troll. Women are not attracted to me. My wife will find herself a new man before the ink is even dry on the divorce petition, I have no doubt.

 

I plan to move into a small house and build myself a big woodshop that I can can spend the rest of my life tinkering in. I don't need a woman to make me happy. It would be nice to have someone, but I'm in no hurry. Except for my daughters, every woman in my life, from my mom to my wife, has been an utter disappointment to me.

[WantingToLeave]

This is not about payback or revenge. This is about me having only one life to live. I have one chance at happiness and that is with and by myself. I will never find it with her.

[Babs22]

This is not about payback or revenge. This is about me having only one life to live. I have one chance at happiness and that is with and by myself. I will never find it with her.

 

We do only have one life to live. You have sacrificed enough to ensure that your daughters grew up having both parents in the home. I am sorry that you did not have the marriage you wanted. Your youngest will get over this and have a good relationship with both of you. My friend is getting a divorce and it is her youngest who has been the most level headed of all her kids.

 

I am glad you do not feel the need for another woman. You said you are not attractive enough to find another. Don't sell yourself short. When you least expect it you may find someone who is interested in you. I think it is pretty healthy to be happy to live your life on your own though. Good luck.

[Poutrew]

Well, you are certainly justified to divorce her. Also, it might not be as big a shock to her as you think it will be. She found another husband already - his name is Jesus. He will never turn his back on her and frankly, with you out of the picture, she can devote 110% to serving him. Good for her. As for you, the only advice I can give is once you are divorced, don't be in such a hurry to find another woman. What you don't want is to be in your 50's with new kids from a new wife, and facing these same issues once more. Don't think it can't happen. As an older man, there are plenty of sexy young women of child bearing age who would love for me to get them preggars just so they can sink their fangs into my retirement assets. I stay safe by keeping my zipper firmly in the 'up' position...

[CaliGypsy]

I would not share this with your daughters in advance. They aren't your BFF's, they are still your children. You don't need to warn them, they were there. I'm sure even the youngest sensed that there were problems.

 

However you choose to do this, do it in the most upfront and honest way you can. For your own sake, and that of your daughters.

[WantingToLeave]

Thanks Babs. I appreciate that.

 

My wife is at church right now, not knowing what is going to happen a couple of months from now. I feel like a sneak, but I know if I tell her now she will have the pastor, her mom, her brothers and everyone on top of me trying to get me to change my mind.

 

That is what she did when she cheated and came back the last time. She had her family badger and nag me into submission. I don't want that or need the drama of that again. I'd rather just pack up and be gone when she gets home from work one day. It is not the gentlemanly way of doing things, I admit that, and I sometimes wonder if it the cowardly way of doing it. But have spent the last fifteen years trying to get her to acknowledge me, and I'm tired. I'm just so damn tired of all of it.

[oldshirt]

If your mind is made up and there is no chance of a true reconciliation, then there is no point to giving her any for warning or tipping of your cards.

 

If you are definitive in your actions, then it will minimize any false hopes or wasting any time. And each of you can move in with both your lives sooner.

 

As long as you don't do anything to intentionally hurt her, bring her any undo distress or try to cheat her out of anything she is legally entitled to, then you aren't doing anything immoral or unethical.

 

Yes she will be upset, but she will still need to get a lawyer, prepare her case and work through the divorce process regardless of when she is given notice.

[WantingToLeave]

Poutrew thank you. You are spot on. I'm going to be very careful.

 

I'm going to give more consideration as to how I break the news to her. I might have everything packed up and in storage and then sit her down and tellher.

[dichotomy]

She cheated while you served your country.

 

She cheated - and left you and your daughters for a while.

 

She basically abandoned sex with you.

 

 

1.2.3.... strikes.

 

 

Your own daughters (well two) understand you should have left along time ago. You stayed and raised your kids you honored your roll as a father and provided a home for them. Your youngest will eventually understand - either form you or from her older sisters.

 

 

It IS your time - for you and your happiness. I wish you many good decades in the rest your life.

 

 

Oh - and as an American, thank you for your service.

Edited April 24, 2016 by dichotomy

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Good for you man! Do what you want and live for yourself for a change. You have spent a good portion of your life serving others. There isn't anything wrong with following your own heart and doing whatever it is you want to do for a change.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is not about payback or revenge. This is about me having only one life to live. I have one chance at happiness and that is with and by myself. I will never find it with her.

 

Lay on MacDuff.....

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks Babs. I appreciate that.

 

My wife is at church right now, not knowing what is going to happen a couple of months from now. I feel like a sneak, but I know if I tell her now she will have the pastor, her mom, her brothers and everyone on top of me trying to get me to change my mind.

 

That is what she did when she cheated and came back the last time. She had her family badger and nag me into submission. I don't want that or need the drama of that again. I'd rather just pack up and be gone when she gets home from work one day. It is not the gentlemanly way of doing things, I admit that, and I sometimes wonder if it the cowardly way of doing it. But have spent the last fifteen years trying to get her to acknowledge me, and I'm tired. I'm just so damn tired of all of it.

 

Still be upfront and face the onslaught.

 

Don't sneak out the back door into a new life. That's just conflict-avoidance.

[sandylee1]

I wish you good luck because you certainly deserve it. What a hopeless excuse for a wife running off like that abandoning you and the kids.

 

I agree you should have divorced her when she ran off despite what the kids wanted at the time..... but it's never too late to get away from an unhappy marriage. She cheats ....and now the sex is at a minimum.. yeah right... you're better off without her.

 

Tough if she is blindsided ..... no need to tell your daughters..just do it. If I'd made my mind up....like you have...I wouldn't be worried about anything she said that would persuade me otherwise... but you seem to know she could change your mind.... why would you not be strong enough to follow through no matter what she says?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Still be upfront and face the onslaught.

 

Don't sneak out the back door into a new life. That's just conflict-avoidance.

 

I disagree. You don't owe her anything. In fact, you have given her more than she deserves. Avoiding unnecessary drama isn't conflict avoidance. I would call that insanity avoidance. Keep your sanity, walk away. She will know why.

[ShatteredLady]

I find it sad that you've spent 15 years of your life with this resentment but I do understand. It sounds like you've lived your life with integrity, don't stop now! I'm not saying give everyone a heads-up, there's clearly nothing left to debate but stand strong & hand her the papers yourself & tell her your feelings.

 

Please don't turn yourself into the bad guy now by slinking away as if you've got something to be ashamed of. After 25 years your 'LIFE' deserves some closure. Spelling it out to her could help you move on. It's the decent thing to do. What people put us through is no reason to sacrifice our own principles.

[WantingToLeave]

I guess my biggest disappointment is in myself. When she came back after leaving me, I gave her the cold shoulder for months while she slept on the couch, but secretly I still loved her and I was relieved that my girls had their mom back. Part of me felt that we could rebuild, but there was also this bitter angry part that I kept hidden.

 

The first year of our reconciliation was good. The sex was ample and good, we seemed to be getting back to our old rhythms, but it was all too easy. As time went on I felt resentment, and that resentment grew. At the same time she got back into church, got saved and became a pious Christian. Then the sex just stopped because she felt that it was what caused her to sin and fall away, so I only got sex when she wanted to have it. My resentment grew and grew, and no matter how many times I expressed it she always just sort of sloughed it off.

 

Over the last few years I have viewed my wife as a roommate who I occasionally have sex with, while she proudly brags about what a great marriage we have. It pisses me off and makes me dislike her. I don't hate her, but I don't like her either. I a haven't liked her for a long time.

[WantingToLeave]

ShatteredLady thank you. You have given me alot to think about.

[CaliGypsy]

I find it sad that you've spent 15 years of your life with this resentment but I do understand. It sounds like you've lived your life with integrity, don't stop now! I'm not saying give everyone a heads-up, there's clearly nothing left to debate but stand strong & hand her the papers yourself & tell her your feelings.

 

Please don't turn yourself into the bad guy now by slinking away as if you've got something to be ashamed of. After 25 years your 'LIFE' deserves some closure. Spelling it out to her could help you move on. It's the decent thing to do. What people put us through is no reason to sacrifice our own principles.

 

Yes, this, a thousand times !

[oldshirt]

Still be upfront and face the onslaught.

 

Don't sneak out the back door into a new life. That's just conflict-avoidance.

 

 

 

I also disagree.

 

 

I don't think it is sneaking out the backdoor, nor do I think it is conflict-avoidance.

 

 

I think it is just taking care of his own business without the interference and pressure from other people.

 

 

She will be served by the court, she will be given time to seek legal consult and to prepare her case and the divorce proceedings will take place in accordance to the practices and procedures of their jurisdiction.

 

 

As long as he is not trying to screw her out of the marital property and assets she is entitled to and is not intentionally trying to inflict harm or distress onto her, there is no foul here.

 

 

Yes she may be upset, but will she be upset any less if he tells her on Monday vs on Friday????

 

 

I think all that giving her a heads up will do is exactly what he says it will do and that is to cause her and other people to think that they can talk him out of it and will apply pressure and angst upon him and will create greater tension and greater emotional distress and conflict. All it will do is create false hope.

 

 

False hope is dangerous. False hope creates a sense that there is chance. When people think there is a chance, they become more frustrated and angry and vengeful than if they realize it is a forgone conclusion from the get go.

 

 

This particular case is not a case of being cowardly and sneaky and making a crafty escape in the night.

 

 

It is simply taking care of business and doing what he has to do with the least amount of chaos and drama and emotional distress.

 

 

Some times people are unsure of if they should separate/divorce or not. In those instances it can be better to be open and have disclosure so that both parties can weigh all options and all parties can be given an opportunity to address the issues and possibly agree to either a reconciliation or a mutual, amicable divorce.

 

 

However in this instance where one person is dead set against any attempt at reconciliation and would rather be alone in a woodshop than married to the person under any circumstances, it's best to just get it done and over with with the least amount of turmoil and conflict and chaos as possible.

[oldshirt]

I find it sad that you've spent 15 years of your life with this resentment but I do understand. It sounds like you've lived your life with integrity, don't stop now! I'm not saying give everyone a heads-up, there's clearly nothing left to debate but stand strong & hand her the papers yourself & tell her your feelings.

 

Please don't turn yourself into the bad guy now by slinking away as if you've got something to be ashamed of. After 25 years your 'LIFE' deserves some closure. Spelling it out to her could help you move on. It's the decent thing to do. What people put us through is no reason to sacrifice our own principles.

 

How is this turning him into a bad guy????

 

 

How is this slinking away???

 

 

when he files for divorce, she will be legally served and will be given provisions by the court to secure legal counsel and prepare her case.

 

 

This isn't something that is going to occur in a vacuum.

 

 

He's let her live there for 25 years, I don't think anyone is going to suddenly drag her out of the house and give her a cardboard box to live under a bridge.

 

 

I'd say he's been quite generous and accomidating for the past 2 and a half decades.