I'm Following My Youngest Kid Out The Door

[66Charger]

While some may see your response as bitter and angry, some may also understand when the enough button has been pushed. When you have heard the excuses many many times, it is not wrong to act decisively. Put yourself in the best position you feel is right for YOU. Your children will be there forever.

 

Personally, I wouldnt waste my time being bitter and angry. Life is what you make it. Make yours better than the last 25 years

[oldshirt]

Even just straight-up saying "I'm not going to discuss my decision with every Tom, Dick and Pastor. I'm.out of here, consider this it."

 

 

 

If it comes to that, I think that is a sound plan and an appropriate response.

 

 

I just don't think he should feel obligated to show his cards until he is ready.

[oldshirt]

If you treat your dog badly, your dog will do 1 of 3 things.

 

1. Turn around and bite you

2. Roll over and die

3. Leave

 

Whatever your dog does, why should you be surprised?

 

 

 

If you treat someone badly for years, you deserve nothing. And you shouldnt be surprised when you receive it.

 

 

 

Good analogy.

 

 

I will also add that when someone mistreats a dog or a child, no one has any qualms with that dog or child being taken away. I don't understand why people think it should be different with bad spouses.

[bathtub-row]

She deserves to be blindsided after what she did to you. Who cares if she goes off the rail or not? Your best move is the one you're doing right now.

 

Once you find out she has been served, call your daughters and tell them the news. No matter what kind of fuss the younger one puts up, don't back down in what you're doing. This woman you've been married to for 25 yrs is nothing but a liar and a cheater. Time to cut out the cancer and move on.

Edited April 25, 2016 by bathtub-row

[oldshirt]

)

 

 

Back to the main issue....

 

"After 25 years of marriage my Mum came home & my Dad had moved out leaving divorce papers on the table! He never even told her why or where he had gone!" (She was completely blindsided. Had been planning their anniversary..."

 

If you can look deep inside & tell me you're ok with that being the story of your family....ok.

 

Some angry, bitter people (I'm one of those by the way! My fantasies are truly evil at times!) on the Internet may understand & support you. Do you think your children will? Can you truly tell me that YOU are ok with that?

 

"After 25 years of marriage my Mum came home. My Dad sat her down & clearly explained why he couldn't stay in the marriage any longer. Gave her the divorce papers." (She was blindsided but he explained...)

 

Which sounds better to YOU?

 

 

Maybe some of us are interpreting his posts differently.

 

 

I guess I have not came away thinking that he was just going to disappear without a word and with no forwarding address never to be seen or heard from again.

 

 

I am taking his posts as that he is going to develop and carry out a plan to leave without discussing the details with her or her family beforehand.

 

 

To my knowledge he has never said that he is just going to do a disappearing act never to be heard from again.

 

 

I think people are jumping to conclusions that he will disappear like a fart in the wind without a word.

 

 

That is a far cry different than working on getting your ducks in a row and having your plans in place before paper are filed.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe some of us are interpreting his posts differently.

 

 

I guess I have not came away thinking that he was just going to disappear without a word and with no forwarding address never to be seen or heard from again.

 

 

I am taking his posts as that he is going to develop and carry out a plan to leave without discussing the details with her or her family beforehand.

 

 

To my knowledge he has never said that he is just going to do a disappearing act never to be heard from again.

 

 

I think people are jumping to conclusions that he will disappear like a fart in the wind without a word.

 

 

That is a far cry different than working on getting your ducks in a row and having your plans in place before paper are filed.

 

Just the whole "when shes at work then she can find an empty place" thing.

 

Sounds pretty "fart in the wind."

 

I think we are probably more on the same page than not.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to rush him into a big "try to work it out and cuddle more with her" path.

[SammySammy]

Maybe some of us are interpreting his posts differently.

 

 

I guess I have not came away thinking that he was just going to disappear without a word and with no forwarding address never to be seen or heard from again.

 

 

I am taking his posts as that he is going to develop and carry out a plan to leave without discussing the details with her or her family beforehand.

 

 

To my knowledge he has never said that he is just going to do a disappearing act never to be heard from again.

 

 

I think people are jumping to conclusions that he will disappear like a fart in the wind without a word.

 

 

That is a far cry different than working on getting your ducks in a row and having your plans in place before paper are filed.

 

Agreed.

 

Nobody said to disappear into thin air.

 

Just that he didn't have to tell anyone ahead of time and he didn't need to explain himself to his wife.

[ChickiePops]

It sounds like both you and your wife have been extremely unhappy but either too afraid or too complacent to take any action beyond a few very restrained fights.

 

I don't think it's fair to blindside her. She certainly hasn't been a good wife to you, but you've been a bit unfair to her too. It sounds like you've been letting this anger and resentment build up for a very, very long time without doing anything about it. She was very wrong to cheat..but you were wrong to stay mostly silent for all these years.

 

There's no excuse for cheating or icing out your spouse..your wife is certainly in the wrong here..but you should've pushed harder to make something happen sooner than this. You didn't do yourself or your family any favors by living in misery for 15 years.

 

I hope you can begin to let go of your anger..it's not hurting anyone but you..

[bathtub-row]

My wife is not an inherently bad person. She looks back on what she did fifteen years ago as an aberration of character. She claims she got swept up in the excitement of being with this guy. She got in over her head. Within a couple of weeks he was getting into some wild sexual stuff with him and the group of people they were hanging out with. Then he just disappeared one day and left her out in the middle of nowhere basically. She called me to come get her and I would not. Her brother drove out to get her.

 

She has never let me live that down by the way. She leaves me for a month and goes on a sex holiday with her boyfriend and has wild group sex parties with a bunch of biker folks, and then had the audacity to complain that I wouldn't come get her!!!!

 

She still, to this day, has the gall to get mad at me about that whenever it comes up. That is just one of the many issues I have with her. Just that kind of hypocrisy is what has killed any love I had left for her. There are so many other things that she does which prove to me that she is not really remorseful for what she did. She thinks she got away with it and that that whole occurrence should be a forgotten blot on our marriage. Jesus and the church forgave her, so then I must. Well, she has not once truly asked me for forgiveness. Not once.

 

So this is why I am debating with myself whether I should tell her I am leaving or just leave.

 

Did she discuss it with you when she took off for a month? Did she discuss it with her children? Did she discuss it when she was cheating on you while you were serving your country? Did she discuss with you that she decided that she's not into sex anymore, or that she's too much of an idiot not to understand why you didn't rush to rescue her from her group sex buddies?

 

This woman is unbelievably self-serving and ignorant. I don't know how you have dealt with her for as long as you have without accidentally dropping some arsenic in her coffee. Ok that's a joke but seriously there is absolutely no way in hell I'd discuss the divorce with her. She's not worthy of any kind of discussion. Let her come home one day with your things cleaned out and you gone. That should get your point across really well without a single word being spoken. She's lucky that you wound be that civil about it.

[carhill]

IMO, good plan and reasonable settlement offer. Execute.

[ShatteredLady]

It's this....

 

"I'd rather just pack up and be gone when she gets home from work one day."

 

....& the people saying 'yeh!! She deserves it!! Your terms!! She doesn't deserve an explanation or she should know what's coming (when she clearly doesn't! She's planning a cruise for their anniversary!)

 

I don't understand how anyone can think it's acceptable to move out, no word, while his wife is at work.

 

Let's put it another way..... From everything written here the OP is pretty close to being a 'perfect man' in my book (if there is such a thing) but if he disappears without being strong enough to sit her down & explain why he's handing her divorce papers he becomes the kind of wimp I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole!!!

 

It's not really the OP...it's more the comments 'Go for it! She deserves the punishment!' kind of stuff. I hate that women have turned clearly passionate men (& some ladies joining in) into these bitter haters.

 

Yes!! Divorce. No! Don't tell her now & have months of hassle (that's cruel to EVERYONE including her!) great future plan (I'm bias. My hobby was refinishing furniture. I'd love his dream) Just...if he believes so strongly in his decision be principled enough to explain it & be strong enough to see the tears & walk out the door with his head held high.

Edited April 25, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[oldshirt]

Just the whole "when shes at work then she can find an empty place" thing.

 

Sounds pretty "fart in the wind."

.

 

 

 

no one has answered my questions from earlier, how should he do it then?

 

 

 

 

If he tells her on Monday is that going to be better than on Friday?

 

 

Is having someone tell you on Monday that they are leaving you and then you watch them pack and haul stuff to their new place and have them tell you they are going to the courthouse to file the papers in the morning really better than having them simply do it?

 

 

The only reason to tell your spouse that you are planning on leaving is if your mind isn't made up and you are giving them a shot at reconciliation.

 

 

If there is no question in your mind and no chance at reconciliation, then what is the advantage to either party to disclose the plans before actually taking the actions?

 

 

Is the shock on Friday more than the shock on Monday?

 

 

If you are leaving your spouse, it is always to your tactical advantage to not tip your cards until the handle has been pulled. It's always to your advantage to have your plans in place and have your ducks in a row before the switch is flipped.

 

 

If that is always to the advantage of the person leaving, why should we advise him otherwise??

 

 

What advantage is it to him to tell her now before he has enacted any of his plans.

[Moxie Lady]

It's not really the OP...it's more the comments 'Go for it! She deserves the punishment!' kind of stuff. I hate that women have turned clearly passionate men (& some ladies joining in) into these bitter haters.

 

Agreed. I pity the next woman some of these men get together with because they are going to take the brunt of someone elses bad behavior, and when they cant be perfect themselves (not talking about infidelity) they are going to get thrown to the side.

 

That said, this is different in that this woman has clearly behaved horribly. Disappeared for a month to go to Sturgis? Only came home when they were done using her? Became a religious hypocrite and denied him sex on that basis? Um, no.

 

Still the original poster made the decision to stay with her after all this has happened. I will never understand why anyone would do that. For the kids? And when the youngest daughter realizes that she is the only thing holding a bad marriage togeter (due to divorce being filed the day she leaves for college) how will that make her feel? It would have been better for him to leave decades ago.

[ShatteredLady]

OldShirt. That's not what I'm saying & I don't think it's what DOT (forgive me for talking for you) is saying.

 

He should pack his stuff, be ready to go. She comes home. He sits her down. Tells her he wants a divorce & why. Hands her the divorce papers (or let's her be served) & leaves.

 

Simple, dignified, honest, true & strong.

 

Letting her walk in to a dark house with all his stuff gone is vindictive & (in my eyes) being too weak to face her! You don't leave your partner of 25 years wondering where the hell you are!

 

He's a fireman. A soldier. A man. I'm not advising anything outlandish. I'm expecting him to be the man he's presented himself as.

[bathtub-row]

It's this....

 

"I'd rather just pack up and be gone when she gets home from work one day."

 

....& the people saying 'yeh!! She deserves it!! Your terms!! She doesn't deserve an explanation or she should know what's coming (when she clearly doesn't! She's planning a cruise for their anniversary!)

 

I don't understand how anyone can think it's acceptable to move out, no word, while his wife is at work.

 

Let's put it another way..... From everything written here the OP is pretty close to being a 'perfect man' in my book (if there is such a thing) but if he disappears without being strong enough to sit her down & explain why he's handing her divorce papers he becomes the kind of wimp I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole!!!

 

It's not really the OP...it's more the comments 'Go for it! She deserves the punishment!' kind of stuff. I hate that women have turned clearly passionate men (& some ladies joining in) into these bitter haters.

 

Yes!! Divorce. No! Don't tell her now & have months of hassle (that's cruel to EVERYONE including her!) great future plan (I'm bias. My hobby was refinishing furniture. I'd love his dream) Just...if he believes so strongly in his decision be principled enough to explain it & be strong enough to see the tears & walk out the door with his head held high.

 

It's been my experience that when people have the high level of stupidity that his wife has, conversation is simply a waste of energy and breath. As I pointed out earlier, she never discussed it with him when she left for a month to screw around with a bunch of guys, did she? She didn't discsuss any of the idiotic, self-centered decisions that she made in the past, and that continues to be true all the way into the present. If a man had done something along these lines, people would be out to crucify him.

 

Tell me, what kind of woman does it take to dessert her children and run off to have sex with a bunch of biker guys? What kind of woman is stupid enough to expect the man she cheated on to come rescue her, and when he doesn't, she stays mad about it for years? Then she makes the classic move of becoming religious in order to justify her self-righteous, judgmental attitude.

 

This woman deserves nothing other than being kicked out on her ass. Anything her husband does beyond that is an act of kindness.

[ShatteredLady]

It's NOT about HER!!

 

He's already decided to divorce her. It's not about 'conversation', it's about doing the decent thing for HIM & informing her of what's happening.

[SammySammy]

It's this....

 

"I'd rather just pack up and be gone when she gets home from work one day."

 

....& the people saying 'yeh!! She deserves it!! Your terms!! She doesn't deserve an explanation or she should know what's coming (when she clearly doesn't! She's planning a cruise for their anniversary!)

 

I don't understand how anyone can think it's acceptable to move out, no word, while his wife is at work.

 

Let's put it another way..... From everything written here the OP is pretty close to being a 'perfect man' in my book (if there is such a thing) but if he disappears without being strong enough to sit her down & explain why he's handing her divorce papers he becomes the kind of wimp I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole!!!

 

It's not really the OP...it's more the comments 'Go for it! She deserves the punishment!' kind of stuff. I hate that women have turned clearly passionate men (& some ladies joining in) into these bitter haters.

 

Yes!! Divorce. No! Don't tell her now & have months of hassle (that's cruel to EVERYONE including her!) great future plan (I'm bias. My hobby was refinishing furniture. I'd love his dream) Just...if he believes so strongly in his decision be principled enough to explain it & be strong enough to see the tears & walk out the door with his head held high.

 

The difference is we're concerned about him. You're concerned about a woman getting a chance to have her say.

 

To suggest that he has to subjugate himself to address her needs before you can respect him is the most ridiculous thing in this thread. He doesn't need your respect.

 

He has demonstrated his character for 25 years. His manhood and masculinity are intact. He doesn't need any bonus points at the end to give his girls a "nice story" to tell about how their dad left a crappy marriage. That's utterly ridiculous.

 

He has spent all of this time serving others. Doing what is best for others. It's time he did what is best for himself.

[bathtub-row]

It's NOT about HER!!

 

He's already decided to divorce her. It's not about 'conversation', it's about doing the decent thing for HIM & informing her of what's happening.

 

He will be informing her -- via divorce papers. Over and out.

[SJS]

He has demonstrated his character for 25 years. His manhood and masculinity are intact. He doesn't need any bonus points at the end to give his girls a "nice story" to tell about how their dad left a crappy marriage. That's utterly ridiculous.

One "wrong" action could stick with him for a very long time. You know she will try turning it all on him, that he's the bad guy because he just walked out, didn't have the decency to warn her, yadda yadda. She's not going to throw herself under the bus by telling everyone what a bad wife she is (especially since she thinks she's not), what she did 25 years ago, etc. People will feel sorry for her because of what happens now, and they will think he's the bad guy.

 

 

It's easy for us to say she deserves it, he needs to think of himself, etc, but I think if he were there to explain himself and then walk out (his stuff could all be gone), she will know it's all her.

[WantingToLeave]

OldShirt. That's not what I'm saying & I don't think it's what DOT (forgive me for talking for you) is saying.

 

He should pack his stuff, be ready to go. She comes home. He sits her down. Tells her he wants a divorce & why. Hands her the divorce papers (or let's her be served) & leaves.

 

Simple, dignified, honest, true & strong.

 

Letting her walk in to a dark house with all his stuff gone is vindictive & (in my eyes) being too weak to face her! You don't leave your partner of 25 years wondering where the hell you are!

 

He's a fireman. A soldier. A man. I'm not advising anything outlandish. I'm expecting him to be the man he's presented himself as.

 

This is close to what I plan on doing. I am already in the process of moving a lot of my stuff to storage. I've been doing it a bit at a time. I have also sold a lot of old stuff I do not need on Craigslist. She has not let on that she has noticed, but she never seems to notice anyway.

 

My plan is to have all my stuff moved out and then come home later that evening after she gets home and give her the papers. I will already be moved into an apartment. I have it all worked out. I even have paid a deposit to hold the apartment.

 

Right now I'm just in a holding pattern. I will wait a couple of weeks after my daughter leaves for college to do it.

[carhill]

Women are the network experts, so expect rhetoric spread far and wide. However, unless they're Larissa Schuster, your life isn't in danger so do what you need to do and let her spew. In the end it really doesn't matter. The court stuff settles out and life goes on and stuff can be acquired and a bonus is you find out who your true friends are. Think of it as a cleansing.

 

One thing, doing a quick read, that won't IMO happen in your case is that which happened to an old friend of mine when he came home from work to an empty house and no kids. I found him sitting out in the pasture with a bottle of Jack Daniels and his 1911, slowly loading and unloading the magazine while his horse stood nearby, watching. Don't worry, that's a guy thing. Your STBX will be fine. In fact, better than fine. She'll be in her element. No worries. Good luck.

[WantingToLeave]

SJS has it right. I'm going to be the bad guy. My wife will go crying to her church family telling them what a heartless heathen I am, they will circle the wagons and I will be publicly pilloried.

 

I don't care. Really I don't. I am not particularly close to her family, and we don't share any friends in common. I could care less about her church. I have a handful of buddies that I have had since I was a kid and we are as tight a ticks. They know my situation and have assured me they have my back 100%. So I'm in no danger of losing the most important things in my life.

[oldshirt]

OldShirt. That's not what I'm saying & I don't think it's what DOT (forgive me for talking for you) is saying.

 

He should pack his stuff, be ready to go. She comes home. He sits her down. Tells her he wants a divorce & why. Hands her the divorce papers (or let's her be served) & leaves.

 

Simple, dignified, honest, true & strong.

 

Letting her walk in to a dark house with all his stuff gone is vindictive & (in my eyes) being too weak to face her! You don't leave your partner of 25 years wondering where the hell you are!

 

He's a fireman. A soldier. A man. I'm not advising anything outlandish. I'm expecting him to be the man he's presented himself as.

 

 

If that is what he chooses to do, I have no criticism of that. That sounds perfectly valid to me.

 

 

My point is on pragmatics and not vindictiveness towards his STBX. It's just simply to his advantage to have his ducks in a row and "T"s crossed and "I"s dotted before he throws the switch.

 

 

If she comes home and his stuff is sitting there in boxes and he and his lawyer have everything all worked out ready to go and he wants to break it to her that the process server will be dropping off some papers for her in the next few days, that works for me.

 

 

If he wants to rehash the last 25 years and wants to break it down in every last detail why he's leaving, that is up to him. I have no dog in that fight.

 

 

But my point is in this instance I see no reason for him to show any of his cards before he plays his hand. He says if he tips his cards that she will try to manipulate him and will involve other people to pressure him and make his life miserable and I see no advantage to him to disclose anything until all his ducks are in a row.

 

 

And there are lots of reasons why he shouldn't. Why give her a chance to empty out all the bank accounts and take off with some dude(s) to the Bahamas if you don't have to?

 

 

She is a lot craftier and a lot more scheming person than he is. If he tips his hand too much, he is at risk of her doing something truly vindictive and crappy.

 

 

This is a case where it is better to keep her content in church until he is truly ready for the $h!t to hit the fan.

[oldshirt]

This is close to what I plan on doing. I am already in the process of moving a lot of my stuff to storage. I've been doing it a bit at a time. I have also sold a lot of old stuff I do not need on Craigslist. She has not let on that she has noticed, but she never seems to notice anyway.

 

My plan is to have all my stuff moved out and then come home later that evening after she gets home and give her the papers. I will already be moved into an apartment. I have it all worked out. I even have paid a deposit to hold the apartment.

 

Right now I'm just in a holding pattern. I will wait a couple of weeks after my daughter leaves for college to do it.

 

 

 

You haven't mentioned if you have a lawyer and have worked out a divorce plan with him/her yet.

 

 

Do you have a lawyer and have you addressed the legal aspects of this and have contingency plans in place for when the unexpected happens or if she throws a curve ball?

[ShatteredLady]

I am not worried about "the woman getting her say". I've made it clear. It's not about her. I guess this is one of those things were not going to get each others views on. I've been trying to explain what I mean in lots of different ways.

 

It's wrong to disappear without saying anything.

 

That simple!

 

If we justify bad behavior by others actions all's lost.

 

The OP has now made his intentions clear.

 

All sorted.

 

 

OldShirt - exactly!

Edited April 25, 2016 by ShatteredLady