I'm Following My Youngest Kid Out The Door

[bathtub-row]

I am not worried about "the woman getting her say". I've made it clear. It's not about her. I guess this is one of those things were not going to get each others views on. I've been trying to explain what I mean in lots of different ways.

 

It's wrong to disappear without saying anything.

 

That simple!

 

If we justify bad behavior by others actions all's lost.

 

The OP has now made his intentions clear.

 

All sorted.

 

I think where the disconnect is coming from is that you think it's bad behavior, and others do not.

[66Charger]

I really dont get the attack line and constant "bitter angry men" comments, because one doesnt agree with ones writings. Actually i do and have read enough of the attack on those that stand up against what they feel is bad behaviour. It makes one want to say never mind.

 

Strangely enough, I have read identical advice given to women in a "emotionally abusive relationship" But if a man does it he is a wimp? Angry and bitter? And they should be pitied? The pity should be reserved for the next fool that cuddles up to the X. Walking away from abuse is just that. Life can be a hellof a lot better once you stand up for yourself and say "no thank you, bye". Thats when you become "not bitter"

 

There are no wimps here. The man stayed and raised his children. To ridicule, suggest he is less than a man or deserves pity is apppalling.

[WantingToLeave]

Yes I have been to see a lawyer. He has the petition drafted. All he has to do is file it, but we are waiting until my daughter heads to school. I think I will just give her the petition myself. I don't want her embarrassed by doing it at her work.

 

I also have a divorce agreement drafted. It is very generous to her, almost too generous. She will make out better than I will in many ways.

 

My goal is not to embarrass her. I just want to call and end to it in a civil manner.

[SammySammy]

Again, I never suggested that he leave without saying anything.

 

My only points was he didn't need to tell anyone ahead of time and that he doesn't owe his wife an explanation - meaning he doesn't have to sit her down and talk about it if he doesn't want to. He can just hand her the divorce papers, let her know he's leaving and go. No long, drawn out discussion required.

 

With that said, I'm fine with what he has planned.

[bathtub-row]

Yes I have been to see a lawyer. He has the petition drafted. All he has to do is file it, but we are waiting until my daughter heads to school. I think I will just give her the petition myself. I don't want her embarrassed by doing it at her work.

 

I also have a divorce agreement drafted. It is very generous to her, almost too generous. She will make out better than I will in many ways.

 

My goal is not to embarrass her. I just want to call and end to it in a civil manner.

 

I'm sure whatever you do for her, it will never be enough. That's the way people like her operate. Plan for continued, ongoing ignorant comments from her. Then the happy day will come when you'll never have to listen to her again.

[ShatteredLady]

"SJS has it right. I'm going to be the bad guy. My wife will go crying to her church family telling them what a heartless heathen I am, they will circle the wagons and I will be publicly pilloried.

 

I don't care. Really I don't. I am not particularly close to her family, and we don't share any friends in common. I could care less about her church. I have a handful of buddies that I have had since I was a kid and we are as tight a ticks. They know my situation and have assured me they have my back 100%. So I'm in no danger of losing the most important things in my life."

 

 

Her group will be her group. It doesn't make you "The bad guy". People get divorced everyday. You've stuck it out for your kids, even tried with your marriage. You've done what you believe is the right thing.

 

It's sad that you've suffered for all those years but that could be my bias talking. I'm feeling resentment for the first time in my marriage & it's horrible.

[carhill]

I presume your lawyer has told you that serving her personally is legal in your jurisdiction. Here in Cali it's the sheriff or a process server. I was served by the sheriff and we had a nice chat. I was impressed by the long list of lawsuits he was serving that day. It's not really a big deal.

 

IMO, you're wise to be filing because you get your motions in first and she's under the gun to respond in a timely manner to the court. I didn't mind being served because we had everything organized in advance and the lawsuit was a formality. I'm nearly six years down the road now and things went fine, save for a few legal bobbles that needed repairing. Nothing to do with the settlement though.

 

That said, neither you nor I will die any better or later for taking the divorce high road. We'll just be dead. Hopefully the interim will be worthwhile.

[WantingToLeave]

I would be lying to say she has always been a bad wife. Except for the cheating and the sex part, she has been as textbook a good wife for the last fifteen years as a guy could want. She's a very good mom, good homemaker, and an upstanding citizen. I don't hate her. I did for a long time, but it slowly faded into ambivalence. That is what I feel: ambivalence. I don't wish anything bad on her. I juts have n desire to be with her or a part of her life anymore.

 

She and I have been good co-parents. We actually rarely ever fight over the mundane issues of life. Our fights have always been over lack of intimacy. But there is no deep marital relationship. She lives her life and I live mine. I have been so lonely over the past ten years. Lonely in my own marriage. It sucks. And she seems to be in this self-deluded state of mind where we have this great marriage and will be together forever. I cannot understand why she won't be honest with herself.

 

I pity her actually, because since her affair she has made one bad decision after another. Every time she was given an opportunity to do the best thing for us, she would turn around and choose the opposite. I tried desperately to get us back the way we were before her affair. Before that affair our sex life was awesome. She and I rocked each other's worlds. Then after a short surge of heavy sex after her return from the affair, and then her finding Jesus, it was as if I had in one day contracted leprosy or something. She is repelled by me. And I am not a repellent guy.

[oldshirt]

Again, I never suggested that he leave without saying anything.

 

My only points was he didn't need to tell anyone ahead of time and that he doesn't owe his wife an explanation - meaning he doesn't have to sit her down and talk about it if he doesn't want to. He can just hand her the divorce papers, let her know he's leaving and go. No long, drawn out discussion required.

 

With that said, I'm fine with what he has planned.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

Ditto.

[oldshirt]

I would be lying to say she has always been a bad wife. Except for the cheating and the sex part, she has been as textbook a good wife for the last fifteen years as a guy could want. She's a very good mom, good homemaker, and an upstanding citizen. I don't hate her. I did for a long time, but it slowly faded into ambivalence. That is what I feel: ambivalence. I don't wish anything bad on her. I juts have n desire to be with her or a part of her life anymore.

 

She and I have been good co-parents. We actually rarely ever fight over the mundane issues of life. Our fights have always been over lack of intimacy. But there is no deep marital relationship. She lives her life and I live mine. I have been so lonely over the past ten years. Lonely in my own marriage. It sucks. And she seems to be in this self-deluded state of mind where we have this great marriage and will be together forever. I cannot understand why she won't be honest with herself.

 

I pity her actually, because since her affair she has made one bad decision after another. Every time she was given an opportunity to do the best thing for us, she would turn around and choose the opposite. I tried desperately to get us back the way we were before her affair. Before that affair our sex life was awesome. She and I rocked each other's worlds. Then after a short surge of heavy sex after her return from the affair, and then her finding Jesus, it was as if I had in one day contracted leprosy or something. She is repelled by me. And I am not a repellent guy.

 

 

 

The opposite of love is not hate. love and hate are actually fairly closely related in that they are both passionate and powerful emotions. The real opposite of love in apathy or in your case ambivalence.

 

 

As you have had many years of passionless marriage with effective cooperation and coparenting, there is no reason to believe that you won't have a passionless divorce and continue to have a cooperative and effective coparenting relationship while leading separate lives from separate homes.

 

 

I think a year from now you will be the happiest you have been in a long time. She has broken you and made you feel undesirable and unworthy. You describe yourself as not handsome and look forward to a life of solitude in a woodshop.

 

 

As fit, healthy, hung, firefighter you will soon find that other women do find you attractive and desirable. Once you pull the ejection handle you won't look back.

[WantingToLeave]

Well oldshirt, one never knows. All I can say is that women never approach me or flirt with me or show any interest. It has always been that way. I think that is why maybe I stayed with my wife, because I convinced myself I would never land another woman.

[ChickiePops]

It sounds like you have a good and fair plan in place. I hope you meet someone you feel passionate about once your divorce is final and you're feeling better.

 

Best of luck to you. I mean that.

[oldshirt]

Well oldshirt, one never knows. All I can say is that women never approach me or flirt with me or show any interest. It has always been that way. I think that is why maybe I stayed with my wife, because I convinced myself I would never land another woman.

 

 

 

that is a fallacy and an insecurity that you have held. It was a false belief that kept you yoked to a toxic relationship that poisoned your self esteem.

 

 

Now that you have reached a point you would rather be alone than married to her, now you can set yourself free. Once you have freed yourself from her and are pursuing your own interests and passions, you will soon start noticing that women are noticing you.

 

 

Once you actually put yourself out there and actually start asking people out, you will find that some are responding favorably.

 

 

You have been lacking confidence because of her and her abuse and maltreatment of you. Once she's gone, things will start changing.

[sandylee1]

My wife is not an inherently bad person. She looks back on what she did fifteen years ago as an aberration of character. She claims she got swept up in the excitement of being with this guy. She got in over her head. Within a couple of weeks he was getting into some wild sexual stuff with him and the group of people they were hanging out with. Then he just disappeared one day and left her out in the middle of nowhere basically. She called me to come get her and I would not. Her brother drove out to get her.

 

She has never let me live that down by the way. She leaves me for a month and goes on a sex holiday with her boyfriend and has wild group sex parties with a bunch of biker folks, and then had the audacity to complain that I wouldn't come get her!!!!

 

She still, to this day, has the gall to get mad at me about that whenever it comes up. That is just one of the many issues I have with her. Just that kind of hypocrisy is what has killed any love I had left for her. There are so many other things that she does which prove to me that she is not really remorseful for what she did. She thinks she got away with it and that that whole occurrence should be a forgotten blot on our marriage. Jesus and the church forgave her, so then I must. Well, she has not once truly asked me for forgiveness. Not once.

 

So this is why I am debating with myself whether I should tell her I am leaving or just leave.

 

Well she has some nerve to complain about you not coming to get her.

 

The truth is that you became Plan B when the guy left her.... she didn't return because she realised she loved you or that she was so wrong....no ...her boyfriend dumped her and ran off.

 

I would have her served.... and at the same time tell her ALL the reasons you are doing it...

- the lack of sex and her selfishness around it. She's made a decision to give it so rarely

- her statement about you not picking her up

- the disrespect and all your other reasons

 

Don't just let her think you've had a change of heart for no specific reason. She should know that her past choices have an impact on the here and now..... no matter how fantastic she's been over the 15 years ..... and in her case she's NOT been fantastic.

 

You'd be telling her to get it off your chest.

 

Cheating taints a marriage for ever IMO ..... I think this should serve as a thought to other cheaters in reconciliation your spouse may never get over it..... it could be game over anytime.

[Popsicle]

Yes I left after 15 years. Don't let anyone tell you what is right for you, not even your wife or daughters. Do what is right for you. You should be commended for sticking it out that long. You have my validation.

[Cephalopod]

WantToLeave you have my support also. I think you have a good plan. Have very thing moved out the day you tell her to her face you are leaving. It sounds like a good plan.

 

My prediction is that she will be shocked and she will crumble and beg the same way she did 15 years ago when she begged you to take her back after her little one month sex tour. It will be the same old same old. All panic and drama but no real remorse.

 

My ex wife was very similar to yours. Except mine never came back. I did not hesitate to divorce and now I am a single parent to a wonderful daughter. My ex is no longer in the picture. I never remarried, but I have a beautiful lady friend with whom I have a perfect arrangement. We are great friends, enjoy each other's company, have sex when we want, just hang out when we don't, and we also live apart and give each other the space we need. My daughter adores her.

 

There's a life of happiness and fulfillment waiting for you out there without the weight of an unremorseful cheating wife slowing you down. Godspeed.

[Ladyjane14]

Yes I have been to see a lawyer. He has the petition drafted. All he has to do is file it, but we are waiting until my daughter heads to school. I think I will just give her the petition myself. I don't want her embarrassed by doing it at her work.

 

I also have a divorce agreement drafted. It is very generous to her, almost too generous. She will make out better than I will in many ways.

 

My goal is not to embarrass her. I just want to call and end to it in a civil manner.

 

Why are you waiting until your daughter leaves for school? You said in your opening post that you've stayed for 15 years in order to co-parent your children, so your relationship with them must be important to you.

 

By waiting to pull the plug on the family dynamic until they're out of sight, it's going to appear to them that you've not just run out on their mom, but run out on them as well. Clearly that's not your intention, so why are you not preparing them?

 

Blindsiding their mother is also blindsiding your daughters. You're putting them in a really tough position to stay neutral.

 

Frankly, I don't understand all this sneaking around. It's not like there's a snake in the woodpile in this situation. It's a straight-up case of preferring to be alone than to feel alone. So why all the subterfuge?

[dichotomy]

 

Blindsiding their mother is also blindsiding your daughters. You're putting them in a really tough position to stay neutral.

 

 

 

He already said two of his daughters thought he should have left their mom a long time ago. They know the pain their mom inflicted on their dad and them.There will be no blindsiding them. I suspect they will be supportive of their dad and glad he has a chance to finally be happy.

 

The younger one maybe trickier, as she is close to her mom, and I infer was not around or does not remember her mom leaving them to F a biker gang.

 

I think there is no good way to tell the younger one, but when she is out of the home would be good. However if she is really that close to her mom, I suspect she will rush home from school, or have a very hard time her first semester at college. Hopefully her older sisters (who know the scoop on their mom's treatment of their dad) can offer her support and understanding.

[dichotomy]

WantingtoLeave,

 

 

You will need to focus on rebuilding your self esteem and confidence. I understand your feelings you mention about not thinking "you could find another woman" and that being part of the reason you stayed. I had those thoughts after my first marriage ended. Also when a wife cheats and is more sexual with others. It messes with your head. Its devastating. Your wife did a number on you. I understand that to.

 

However - you know you got somethings to offer other women. Former military man, fire fighter, in shape, well endowed...your going to find your value soon in the dating market - believe in yourself. Get familiar with the online dating sites, and get involved in activities you enjoy. You might also consider a short time with a therapist, just to work out any issues you might have.

 

I can't believe your being so generous with your legal settlement up front, but then again you have always tried to do whats right for others... but you need to focus on you now.

Edited April 25, 2016 by dichotomy

[Ladyjane14]

He already said two of his daughters thought he should have left their mom a long time ago. They know the pain their mom inflicted on their dad and them.There will be no blindsiding them. I suspect they will be supportive of their dad and glad he has a chance to finally be happy.

 

The younger one maybe trickier, as she is close to her mom, and I infer was not around or does not remember her mom leaving them to F a biker gang.

 

I think there is no good way to tell the younger one, but when she is out of the home would be good. However if she is really that close to her mom, I suspect she will rush home from school, or have a very hard time her first semester at college. Hopefully her older sisters (who know the scoop on their mom's treatment of their dad) can offer her support and understanding.

 

Even the ones who are in agreement are likely to be wondering why he didn't share his feelings or give them a heads-up. And you're right, the youngest one is probably going to have a rough time. First year college students are often quite homesick as it is.

 

I just don't see enough gains here to warrant the element of surprise. The family dynamic is coming to a close, it is what it is. Everybody is going to have to deal with it. Why not deal with it head-on?

 

He might not be feeling animosity, but it's going to look that way. It's going to look vindictive and sneaky.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure where and why people are getting the idea that his daughters are going to think he is abandoning them or blindsiding them.

 

 

They are adults that surely realize the sacrifices he has made to give them a two parent home all these years.

 

 

Also, abandon is as abandon does. if he is in their lives and fulfilling a role in their lives the day after the ax comes down, then he obviously has not abandoned them and there is no reason for them to think that he will have any less relationship with them at all.

 

 

If they feel any kind of distress towards this situation at all, it will be that they may have some weird kind of survivor guilt that he stayed in such a dissatisfying marriage for so long for them.

 

 

There is no abandonment or shirking of responsibility here. He is not even abandoning the wife. He is legally dissolving the marriage in accordance to laws and procedures of the land and is providing her with a more than generous portion of the marital assets and properties.

 

 

All he is doing is making the preparations before disclosing the details of the divorce plan in order to avoid unnecessary interference, pressure and drama. He is not operating like a thief in the night like some here believe.

[William]

Folks, I'll state this once. Cease and desist from berating or labeling, overtly or covertly, the topic starter personally or, conversely, lose your privileges to post on our forum. There's been enough of that in this thread and it ends with this directive. You got your shots in; hope you feel proud and move on.

[Popsicle]

Well oldshirt, one never knows. All I can say is that women never approach me or flirt with me or show any interest. It has always been that way. I think that is why maybe I stayed with my wife, because I convinced myself I would never land another woman.

 

I'll go out with you.

[dichotomy]

. It's going to look vindictive and sneaky.

 

 

I think perhaps we have seen real vindictive or high emotional responses in some stories here on LS. Moving all the stuff (not just his) out of the home, burning the furniture on the lawn (sorry Betrayed H ), changing the locks on the doors, posting on the internet of all the WS's affair details, legal filings to take the whole home and kids, and so much more.

 

OP's plan seems mild in comparison.

 

I might suggest he call his older daughters about an hour before mom finds out, and suggest they go spend the weekend with their youngest at college.

[oldshirt]

I think perhaps we have seen real vindictive or high emotional responses in some stories here on LS. Moving all the stuff (not just his) out of the home, burning the furniture on the lawn (sorry Betrayed H ), changing the locks on the doors, posting on the internet of all the WS's affair details, legal filings to take the whole home and kids, and so much more.

 

OP's plan seems mild in comparison.

 

I might suggest he call his older daughters about an hour before mom finds out, and suggest they go spend the weekend with their youngest at college.

 

Agreed.

 

There is nothing nafarious or underhanded taking place here at all. This is probably how most divorced should be once the decision to divorce is definitively made.

 

People are assuming that she will be blindsided and devastated and shocked etc etc. for all we know she may be relieved and excited to live a new life and not be under the yoke of a marriage to a man she doesn't love or respect.

 

By the OP's own account, she will be with a new man/men before the ink is dry.

 

He is assuming she will create interference and drama so it is in his best interest to keeps his plans to himself until they are enacted. But for all we know, she may welcome this change.