I Was The Other Woman

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I am a 30+ unmarried woman, there was a married man in my office, however, he initiated conversation only after few months of being in the same office. The initial conversations were nothing but friendly and harmless. Soon after we had to travel together on a business trip, he started taking more and more interest in me. I was lonely and maybe needed some sort of reassurance that I am wanted, I didn’t reject his advances. In the trip itself we started off with a full-fledged relationship, however, I didn’t expect anything from him then to leave his wife and give our relationship a name.

 

And, he maintained the status that he is the happiest man because he has two women in his life that he absolutely love (plus he has a kid too). It all didn’t bug me initially because I had no strong feelings, and simply jumped into a relationship with a married man without thinking about the consequences. He confessed his love for me on that business trip itself (even when he confessed it for the first time, I found it absurd how can anyone fall in love in few days), he kept persuading me to confess my love as well, and go the complete way for the physical part (up until then we were not completely physical). After a month or so, he pushed me enough to give him what he wanted, and I being an emotionally immature girl who was totally vulnerable by then did whatever he asked. After that he wanted to get physical every week, the thing which started bothering me how frequently he wanted it and second whenever we were alone the only thing he wanted was to get physical. He couldn’t hold himself even for an hour, and I started getting worried by this that maybe I am just there for satisfying his physical needs, and there’s nothing else for which he would ever want me.

 

We again went on a trip together, and it appeared to me, it was only for his physical pleasures, because he was so conscious being with me at the airport and hotel ( I paid for the trip because he said his wife keeps track of his accounts, and I paid mostly otherwise too) that if someone known might see us, he would be caught, however, the moment we landed in the room he showed his love, and it concerned me big time. And after having been his toy for 2 months, and being totally addicted to him I couldn’t stand him talking to his wife in a loving tone right in front of me and we had huge fights on that trip itself, and he found me irrational to be upset because for him it was normal and he expected me to understand that he will talk to his wife like that.

 

And even before that trip he confessed his relationship with his wife wasn’t as smooth and he wanted to end it a couple of times, but couldn’t because of his kid. And he said, hadn’t his kid been there, he would have left her, because she was dominating, and he was treated badly by her. After coming back from that trip, we use to have more fights, even more than what we had in initial days.

 

However, he always got me back by saying, I was his soul mate, me leaving him reminds him of the stage when his mother passed away, and that he considers me his wife. I can’t even explain what all bull** he said to me, however, he also acted completely indifferent at times, he used to say in case I want to leave I can, still he would always love and respect me and even if everyone know about us, he won’t leave it.

 

Soon after I started realizing that whatever he said was all lie, and he only cared about what his wife and kid wanted, everyone else, including his father sister etc. meant nothing to him. He left everybody for his wife and I started realizing that a man like him won’t even respect me. After 3 months being in the relationship we had our worst fight, and he said he will tell it to his wife, as I couldnt stand this sneaking around anymore, I was loosing all self-esteen and dignity, I wanted to be seen in public without any fear, I wanted a named relationship, although I realized soon he had no guts to tell her, and he was too cowardice to even mention about me. I realized everything he said was all bull**, still I didn’t leave him, but he promised he will take care of me always.

 

And post this, we had many fights, many breakups, many patch-ups, however it started getting worse, and I forced him many times to tell what’s our future and then it occurred to me that I meant nothing to him, it was always just about him, his selfish needs, he was dominated by his wife, he wanted some spice in his boring married life and he got me, however when he realized I am a threat to his married life, he started saying he won’t leave his wife (although he said many a times, he would if his son wasn’t there, and he even asked me once if I would be ok staying with his son and him). We continued being together for another few months, and one day since morning he started avoiding me for no reasons (although a night before he said he loves me), I called him countless times, messaged him, begged him to talk. HE DIDN’T.

 

Then I dropped him messages saying it’s over, and in the mean time I wrote an email to his wife about us, later he dropped me messages in a tone, as if there never was a relationship and I knowing he was married was after him. I called him and thrashed him bad, and told him I sent an email to his wife, he deleted that email even before his wife could read it. Post that I called him, he rejected my calls a number of times, and later took it and said there was never a relationship, and I wrote all lies in the email, and he will ruin my name that I was after him.

 

When I told him I have all the chats and emails and proofs that who started it, who was in the relationship, he hid himself like a coward, I even told him this relationship is now over for real, because the least I expected him to be a man at least and accept that he did this, and not just put everything on me saying I pursued him, and he was too naive to just fall for it! It’s been six days, I didn’t call or message him, blocked him everywhere, but it makes me sick, how after saying we are soul mates, he simply said I was after him knowing he is married man and he was trying to end the relationship although up until last week, he was dying to get physical, I didn’t let him touch me for four months, and I guess this is what he thought was wrong. I can’t believe how easily he said I pursued him, when he initiated everything, I can’t believe how easily he said he will ruin my name.

 

I still want to call him and thrash him bad for being such a coward and boneless thing. I still want his wife to know, but I want to hold it until I am mentally agitated, because I want to tell her what her husband and I did, and she must know (I don’t want to tell her now just to vent my anger, I will tell her when I am sober). I was ready to own up to my mistake but he just took the safest way out. I am making every single effort to be my normal self again, I am in touch with all the people I ignored in last 10-11 months because of this relationship, I am meeting my friends frequently, but I guess this dent on my self-respect wont go away just like that. As, I am feeling OK a minute and the next minute I am completely upset. Don’t know how to move from here.

Edited April 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[whichwayisup]

My advice is, stay away from him and stop calling him. You got burned and the two of you created a very toxic affair, a damaging one that has messed you up and probably turned you into someone you don't recognize.

 

Each of you are at fault here, you chose to knowingly get involved with a MM, knowing he had a wife at home, never to divorce her and start a new life with you. An affair IS just an affair yet your expectations and jealously soared over time. He's a liar and a cheater for betraying and cheating on his wife, putting their marriage at risk, all for what. Selfishness.

 

Anyway I hope you can grieve the loss in a healthy way and move past this, never look back.

[stilltrying16]

Truthtobetoldtoyou, Getting into the affair was not good, but since then you have been asking great questions and you have done your best not to be swept away with his bs.

 

It was really smart of you to save the emails and other proof if you should ever need it. It's also so smart of you even now not to act in the heat of the moment but to sit back and let things cool before you tell his wife- if you do.

 

It's good in a way that he was so transparent & therefore easy to get over. He was so stupidly selfish even when it came to sex- when a little bit of pretense would have smoothed his way! Sounds like he stopped pretending to "woo" you at all, and forgot (if he ever knew) what foreplay was! And then his vindictiveness: he's going to "ruin your name"? He doesn't sound like he's all that practised at this. Smooth operators are a little more dangerous. He's behaving like a scared, sulky, snot-nosed little boy.

 

So if I have understood it right, at this point you have decide to tell his wife, but to do it when you are less upset.

 

I personally am all in favor of the wife knowing but is there any chance at all on any fallout on you? Also, is there any reason to worry about physical danger to you- or to anyone in this ex-triangle? If so, I would suggest letting go for now and calling it a life lesson. If there isn't any danger or fear of fallout then consider doing it. Be prepared that she might lash out at you or refuse to believe you.

 

Ideally you will be motivated by concern and empathy for her rather than your anger at him.

 

I might have missed this, but was either of you in a supervisory position over the other at work?

Edited April 24, 2016 by stilltrying16

[stilltrying16]

Oh and I just wanted to commend you for going back into your pre-affair world, and staying happy and socially connected! In one self-help book I read, one of the most draining aspects of affairs is that they can isolate you so completely. This happens to the OW OR BS if she is forced into a position of keeping his secret.

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

"The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings."

 

 

I hope you're glad its over.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

*If you work together, nothing more than basic civil communication about work.

Edited April 24, 2016 by Satu

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

My advice is, stay away from him and stop calling him. You got burned and the two of you created a very toxic affair, a damaging one that has messed you up and probably turned you into someone you don't recognize.

 

Each of you are at fault here, you chose to knowingly get involved with a MM, knowing he had a wife at home, never to divorce her and start a new life with you. An affair IS just an affair yet your expectations and jealously soared over time. He's a liar and a cheater for betraying and cheating on his wife, putting their marriage at risk, all for what. Selfishness.

 

Anyway I hope you can grieve the loss in a healthy way and move past this, never look back.

 

I so know it was my fault as well, and I was weak to just get involved.

 

Thanks for your message, I hope I stay strong and don't contact him. Its been 6 days I didn't.

[loveisanaction]

A married man never enters into an inappropriate relationship with a woman for love…he does it for sex and/or companionship. A married man never enters into an inappropriate relationship with a woman with the intent on leaving his wife for her. There have been occasions where a married will leave his wife for his affair partner but it was never his initial intent, it’s something that unexpectedly happened.

 

The other woman usually starts off on the same page as the married man (just fun, exciting, no pressure sex) but she loses her way when she begins to envision a future with her married man and begins to want for him to leave his wife for her….and this is where the fun of being in the affair begins to end.

 

Women in general are governed by their emotions and are not good at NSA type of relationships; which is why getting involved with a married man is a very bad idea as it is the fastest and easiest way for her to get her heart crushed.

 

OP, It’s time to move on, for your married man, the fun is over; you are now too big of a threat to his marriage.

 

You said you want a relationship that is out in the open, no secrets, no hiding, and no sneaking around. No married man can give that to you; for that you need to find a man who is single.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

If you do plan on telling his wife own your part in the affair and apologize to her for helping him cheat and betray her. If she wants to know details, spill it all with evidence and be honest with her.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Truthtobetoldtoyou, Getting into the affair was not good, but since then you have been asking great questions and you have done your best not to be swept away with his bs.

 

It was really smart of you to save the emails and other proof if you should ever need it. It's also so smart of you even now not to act in the heat of the moment but to sit back and let things cool before you tell his wife- if you do.

 

It's good in a way that he was so transparent & therefore easy to get over. He was so stupidly selfish even when it came to sex- when a little bit of pretense would have smoothed his way! Sounds like he stopped pretending to "woo" you at all, and forgot (if he ever knew) what foreplay was! And then his vindictiveness: he's going to "ruin your name"? He doesn't sound like he's all that practised at this. Smooth operators are a little more dangerous. He's behaving like a scared, sulky, snot-nosed little boy.

 

So if I have understood it right, at this point you have decide to tell his wife, but to do it when you are less upset.

 

I personally am all in favor of the wife knowing but is there any chance at all on any fallout on you? Also, is there any reason to worry about physical danger to you- or to anyone in this ex-triangle? If so, I would suggest letting go for now and calling it a life lesson. If there isn't any danger or fear of fallout then consider doing it. Be prepared that she might lash out at you or refuse to believe you.

 

Ideally you will be motivated by concern and empathy for her rather than your anger at him.

 

I might have missed this, but was either of you in a supervisory position over the other at work?

 

Thank you so much for your message, it is really helpful to have someone at least take time and give some wise advice!

 

1. I think me saving all the proofs was a sign that I couldn't trust him. I didn't believe him when he said I am the only one he got involved outside of his marriage, because he seemed like an expert in getting rid of all the proofs at his end. At once, he even deleted the chat history form my phone.

 

2. Yes, he never pretended. When I got too sick of his needs, and didn't allow him to get physical in last 4 months, he accused me of thinking just about myself!

 

3. I still cant understand why he behaved the way I did. because he saw me as a threat? because he was sure I will one day mention it all to his wife? Since day one of this relationship, I was guilty. I have cried almost daily in this relationship after initial two months, and it's strange that I didn't cry even once in last 6 days!

 

4. It was insulting that after making love, he had to head back home. He had to spend all important events at home, and I had to be OK with just the chats or few minutes on phone.

 

5. I am in favor of telling his wife, but I do know it will come at a cost, and there are chances I will be insulted by his wife (I have heard from him how she is, not to demean her but I know she will go crazy at me). And, considering the possible consequences my bestie has asked me to not tell her anything. But that's exactly my point, I am OK facing whatever she may have for me, and I don't want to tell her because I want him to pay for what he did to me, but, I want to tell her the truth of this man, because now I truly feel bad for her.

 

6. None of us were at the supervisory position, we were acquaintances from different teams working on same project. I forgot to mention, he was asked to resign only two months after our affair, and he left few months later, but we continued with the affair. I had the opportunity even then to go NC, but I didn't, and look where I am now!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Oh and I just wanted to commend you for going back into your pre-affair world, and staying happy and socially connected! In one self-help book I read, one of the most draining aspects of affairs is that they can isolate you so completely. This happens to the OW OR BS if she is forced into a position of keeping his secret.

 

Thank you so much! I have a supportive family and great friends and I am so ashamed of ignoring them because of him. Even now, when I need their support, they have open arms and love! I was so lonely when I was with him! And it was tough being a hideous secret!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Thanks! Agree with everything!

 

He is blocked everywhere and he will remain so!

[whichwayisup]

 

5. I am in favor of telling his wife, but I do know it will come at a cost, and there are chances I will be insulted by his wife (I have heard from him how she is, not to demean her but I know she will go crazy at me). And, considering the possible consequences my bestie has asked me to not tell her anything. But that's exactly my point, I am OK facing whatever she may have for me, and I don't want to tell her because I want him to pay for what he did to me, but, I want to tell her the truth of this man, because now I truly feel bad for her.

As she should. She isn't going to pride you or be happy that you've had an A with her husband. DO expect her to possibly insult you. If you show her genuine respect and honesty, sure she will be upset and angry but there's less of a chance of her being nasty if you keep calm, apologize to her and wish that you could take it all back. You show her compassion and answer all that she needs to know maybe she won't freak out at you.

 

The other thing is, it isn't up to you to decide HIS consequences by having an A with you.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

A married man never enters into an inappropriate relationship with a woman for love…he does it for sex and/or companionship. A married man never enters into an inappropriate relationship with a woman with the intent on leaving his wife for her. There have been occasions where a married will leave his wife for his affair partner but it was never his initial intent, it’s something that unexpectedly happened.

 

The other woman usually starts off on the same page as the married man (just fun, exciting, no pressure sex) but she loses her way when she begins to envision a future with her married man and begins to want for him to leave his wife for her….and this is where the fun of being in the affair begins to end.

 

Women in general are governed by their emotions and are not good at NSA type of relationships; which is why getting involved with a married man is a very bad idea as it is the fastest and easiest way for her to get her heart crushed.

 

OP, It’s time to move on, for your married man, the fun is over; you are now too big of a threat to his marriage.

 

You said you want a relationship that is out in the open, no secrets, no hiding, and no sneaking around. No married man can give that to you; for that you need to find a man who is single.

 

I realized it the worst way possible. I agree I got into the relationship knowing he is married, and like I said I didn't expect him to do anything then.

 

But more we got involved, I realized it will be tough sacrificing my respect for his fun! I missed so much in this relationship! I was aware it was a fantasy but I kept thinking its my reality! I always had the choice: the choice to say no, to choice to end, to choice to move on. But I did it only after getting burnt.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

You're welcome.

 

If you do plan on telling his wife own your part in the affair and apologize to her for helping him cheat and betray her. If she wants to know details, spill it all with evidence and be honest with her.

Yes, I will be honest about my part, and will apologize, because I do truly feel bad!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

As she should. She isn't going to pride you or be happy that you've had an A with her husband. DO expect her to possibly insult you. If you show her genuine respect and honesty, sure she will be upset and angry but there's less of a chance of her being nasty if you keep calm, apologize to her and wish that you could take it all back. You show her compassion and answer all that she needs to know maybe she won't freak out at you.

 

The other thing is, it isn't up to you to decide HIS consequences by having an A with you.

Agree! That is what i wanted at the end. I wanted her to know what he and I did.

 

I don't care what happens to him, but, she deserves to know! I won't ever have any closure, but I want to be at peace with myself!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Also, guys don't get me wrong! I don't want this post to be about her, I know what I did. And, maybe I will tell her sometime in future when I have a better grip on myself.

 

However, right now the support that I need is for myself. I need to find a way for myself. I want to heal, and then correct the wrong (If I do so).

 

Knowing everything I got into that, but, now knowing everything it is me only who wants an out.

[BuddyX]

This quotes been used quite often on this site

 

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're still in hell"

[whatatangledweb]

What is it the OW want the wife to know because they feel bad or she should know yet they always wait to do it when the affair ends? As a BS I personally would not want the OW to contact me for any reason. Contacting me after it ended would make me think the OW did it because she was dropped which is exactly what my husband's OW did more than a year afterwards. I already knew which is why the affair ended. The texts amused me more than anything. It came off as revenge and repeative. I changed my number and that was the end of it.

 

I'm glad you are out of the affair. Stay away from his wife. Wives can do some very ugly things when they find out. He will end up telling her your name, where you work, etc. You will be happier just moving on and finding someone who treats you right.

[Jersey born raised]

If you do expose be ready with a lot of hard evidence such as hotel receipts, plane fare and hopefully pixs of the two of you on a trip. He has already showed you his game plan. You are a lonely bitter woman who he treated with just a little kindness and consideration who has created a fantasy world.

Your emails, you wrote them and spoofed his email. Texts ? Did he use a burner phone, if not you spoofed his phone number. The recipients? He was fishing with a friend who will back it up. So who did you go with, perhaps alone. Huh, yea poor woman bought tickets and meals for a non person to feed your fantasy. Yes these are extremes but be prepared. Read up on gas-lighting and trickle truth. You should expose, but be ready for the lies.

 

Watch out for him at work. He may try to push you out. If I recall correctly he is new to your company. Where did he work before?

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

This quotes been used quite often on this site

 

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're still in hell"

Thanks for what you said! I am so confused and low on self esteem already.

 

I know it wasn't fair to her, but it wasn't fair to me either. I am going through this pain and insult. and, I now need to love myself, and be generous to myself.

 

I f***** up badly, but I deserve to be happy!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

What is it the OW want the wife to know because they feel bad or she should know yet they always wait to do it when the affair ends? As a BS I personally would not want the OW to contact me for any reason. Contacting me after it ended would make me think the OW did it because she was dropped which is exactly what my husband's OW did more than a year afterwards. I already knew which is why the affair ended. The texts amused me more than anything. It came off as revenge and repeative. I changed my number and that was the end of it.

 

I'm glad you are out of the affair. Stay away from his wife. Wives can do some very ugly things when they find out. He will end up telling her your name, where you work, etc. You will be happier just moving on and finding someone who treats you right.

Fact is I have been wanting to tell her for many months. He never gave me her number (why would he) He never mentioned her email ID!

 

Fact is I fought many a times saying I want to talk to her and tell her everything, or he should go and tell her. He never did, and always got a way out!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

If you do expose be ready with a lot of hard evidence such as hotel receipts, plane fare and hopefully pixs of the two of you on a trip. He has already showed you his game plan. You are a lonely bitter woman who he treated with just a little kindness and consideration who has created a fantasy world.

Your emails, you wrote them and spoofed his email. Texts ? Did he use a burner phone, if not you spoofed his phone number. The recipients? He was fishing with a friend who will back it up. So who did you go with, perhaps alone. Huh, yea poor woman bought tickets and meals for a non person to feed your fantasy. Yes these are extremes but be prepared. Read up on gas-lighting and trickle truth. You should expose, but be ready for the lies.

 

Watch out for him at work. He may try to push you out. If I recall correctly he is new to your company. Where did he work before?

He was asked to leave from this place, and its been few months that he left already!

[Girlfromcali]

Fuuuu...this hurts me SO much because my xMM told me also I was his soulmate, and he called me his wife. When we were out in public, he called me his wife to other people. I couldn't continue reading your story after that. It triggered me too badly

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Fuuuu...this hurts me SO much because my xMM told me also I was his soulmate, and he called me his wife. When we were out in public, he called me his wife to other people. I couldn't continue reading your story after that. It triggered me too badly

I can totally understand what you feel when you read a similar story! I am sorry for you and myself. I wish this pain wont last forever. Although I still cant believe how can people (MM) say any s*** just for their own benefit.

[stilltrying16]

Thanks for what you said! I am so confused and low on self esteem already.

 

I know it wasn't fair to her, but it wasn't fair to me either. I am going through this pain and insult. and, I now need to love myself, and be generous to myself.

 

I f***** up badly, but I deserve to be happy!

 

Truthtobetold,

 

I think a healthy love of the self is good. It's those who lack it who damage others IMO.

 

It's interesting that you said you must have had subconscious doubts which prompted you to save the emails and the rest. I agree- it must feel good to know that all said and done, you can trust your intuition .

 

I'm impressed with your responses to the questions you've been asked. I think you have a strong sense of self, a wonderful supportive circle of family and friends, and a fine head on your shoulders! You also seem empathetic and kind. Heartbreak is inevitable for most who get started on affairs, but recovery is possible. For you I sense healing at the end. I wish the same for the BW. And since wishes are free, I hope the MM grows up and develops some sense of responsibility.

 

That's great that you weren't co-workers for very long.

 

I believe you will find your peace- and it will have been earned.

 

I will defer to others on if, how, and when the BS should be told. Speaking for myself, I will always be very, very grateful to the friend who told me (but she was not the OW as in your case). On the other infidelity forums I read, 99% of betrayed partners/spouses are grateful when they are told, and very few hold on to anger for being told- even when it is the OW who tells them. But I could be biased. I hope OW who did tell the BW will respond to this thread.

 

I hope you will keep posting. Sending you strength and hugs