I Was The Other Woman

[anyonecandoit]

Haven't posted for some time. I'm also a 30+ unmarried woman. This guy in the office, I think he desperately wanted me physically. But I didn't agree and I didn't even talk to him after I know he is engaged(he is probably married now). I'm glad I didn't do it, or else I think it will be similar to your story.

 

Some advice. I once heard a story some woman has an affair with a coworker and she paid for everything, hotel, etc, etc. Then finally when she couldn't take it any more, they made it to HR. But the man said since she paid for everything, she initiated it. Then she got fired and lost everything -- her job, her family. This is a true story I've heard. I'm not kidding.

 

Right now my suggestion for you is to just to leave and don't think about anything else. Just leave him, no matter how hard it is. Don't talk to him any more and stay in NC. I feel like if you really decided to confront him and his wife, probably you will lose. Just leave and take this as a lesson learned in life.

[anyonecandoit]

Also, my advice is -- Don't think about him or his wife. He or his wife has nothing to do with you. Even if she is the victim, it is the man she has chosen at first. You are not the GOD to save her. And besides, she might not even need you to save her. She might not even believe you.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Truthtobetold,

 

I think a healthy love of the self is good. It's those who lack it who damage others IMO.

 

It's interesting that you said you must have had subconscious doubts which prompted you to save the emails and the rest. I agree- it must feel good to know that all said and done, you can trust your intuition .

 

I'm impressed with your responses to the questions you've been asked. I think you have a strong sense of self, a wonderful supportive circle of family and friends, and a fine head on your shoulders! You also seem empathetic and kind. Heartbreak is inevitable for most who get started on affairs, but recovery is possible. For you I sense healing at the end. I wish the same for the BW. And since wishes are free, I hope the MM grows up and develops some sense of responsibility.

 

That's great that you weren't co-workers for very long.

 

I believe you will find your peace- and it will have been earned.

 

I will defer to others on if, how, and when the BS should be told. Speaking for myself, I will always be very, very grateful to the friend who told me (but she was not the OW as in your case). On the other infidelity forums I read, 99% of betrayed partners/spouses are grateful when they are told, and very few hold on to anger for being told- even when it is the OW who tells them. But I could be biased. I hope OW who did tell the BW will respond to this thread.

 

I hope you will keep posting. Sending you strength and hugs

It both good and bad. I had an inkling so I saved the proofs, and bad because even after having those thoughts I continued.

 

I wish I could listen to myself then! I had so much to say, but, I didn't listen to myself. And, now I am truly unsure how to go about telling her.

 

I may so do in future, but, when I hear about these conflicting opinions, I am in a fix.

 

Thanks so much for your kind support and warm messages! It feels good to know you deserve empathy even after all this.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Haven't posted for some time. I'm also a 30+ unmarried woman. This guy in the office, I think he desperately wanted me physically. But I didn't agree and I didn't even talk to him after I know he is engaged(he is probably married now). I'm glad I didn't do it, or else I think it will be similar to your story.

 

Some advice. I once heard a story some woman has an affair with a coworker and she paid for everything, hotel, etc, etc. Then finally when she couldn't take it any more, they made it to HR. But the man said since she paid for everything, she initiated it. Then she got fired and lost everything -- her job, her family. This is a true story I've heard. I'm not kidding.

 

Right now my suggestion for you is to just to leave and don't think about anything else. Just leave him, no matter how hard it is. Don't talk to him any more and stay in NC. I feel like if you really decided to confront him and his wife, probably you will lose. Just leave and take this as a lesson learned in life.

Thanks for the advice! He has left the workplace already, but, that doesn't dilute the fact that he won't take responsibility of what he did.

 

I understand what you mean, I can not save her. But, I don't want to live like a criminal under the wraps. However, I know I may come out as the only offender and he will deny his part.

 

And, right now I am in no state to talk to her, it will take a while to be normal.

[anyonecandoit]

Actually, I don't mean that you don't tell her. I think it's quite complicated. It depends on the wife, on the BS. Some BS might believe what you say and some might not.

 

In my case, his fiancee and her family got to know that in the end. But he probably told them that it is I that did everything. And they have chosen to believe him and they're married now. So be prepared for everything that might happen, because things might not go as you wish.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Actually, I don't mean that you don't tell her. I think it's quite complicated. It depends on the wife, on the BS. Some BS might believe what you say and some might not.

 

In my case, his fiancee and her family got to know that in the end. But he probably told them that it is I that did everything. And they have chosen to believe him and they're married now. So be prepared for everything that might happen, because things might not go as you wish.

I understand what you mean. I know he won't take any responsibility, and, I will come across as the only offender.

 

Why would she believe me, a complete stranger? And, even if she does, she will pretend otherwise.

 

It will be a long road!

[Moxie Lady]

I can totally understand what you feel when you read a similar story! I am sorry for you and myself. I wish this pain wont last forever. Although I still cant believe how can people (MM) say any s*** just for their own benefit.

 

I guess where I am having trouble is understanding why women buy into this nonsense that the MM says. He called you his wife in public and somehow that didnt lead you to think - hey but Im not his wife, he's already got a wife. Is this just some kind of fantasy or do women truly believe it means something when he is clearly married to someone else?

 

I do not mean to be harsh as I see you are hurting. Yes everyone deserves to be happy but the difference between her and you is that you chose to inflict this pain on yourself. She did not choose any of this. Thus the focus on the BS. I think you should take this as an important learning experience and move on as best you can.

[ShatteredLady]

When I first came to this forum I had no idea that my H was having an affair. All I knew was that something was very, very wrong. I was recovering from surgery & a complete mess. My H had me convinced that it was ALL my fault (you can go back & read my first thread & posts).

 

I nearly lost my mind. I was so broken. I believed that if I was the 'perfect wife' I could save my family. If I made the slightest mistake I would loose everything. It drove me crazy. It hurts so much. I did things I shouldn't of been doing. Not only delayed my recovery but made myself much more damaged. Nothing I did was good enough! He was placating his guilt by kicking me in the gutter. It was agonizing! I just didn't understand.

 

When I finally discovered the truth it was almost a relief! At least I could start to learn the truth of my life. I'd been living a complete lie! It was horrific. I NEEDED the truth so I could start to process & heal.

 

If someone had told me the truth, if I known what was happening on certain dates etc it would of saved my sanity. It would of been a GIFT!!

 

Eventually I found emails & learnt that when we had great nights but the next day he went back to being distant or cruel it was because he was waking to messages from her & writing things like "You're the first thing I think of when I wake & the last thing I think of before I fall asleep" (it didn't seem like that at the time!!)

 

I was MORE broken by all the lies, trickle truth, gaslighting than I was by their actual relationship. I WISH someone had told me that I was being a fool, that I was being just as used as her...difference being that she knew what was going on. She escaped with more of her sanity intact!

 

We were BOTH hurt, BOTH damaged & broken.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I guess where I am having trouble is understanding why women buy into this nonsense that the MM says. He called you his wife in public and somehow that didnt lead you to think - hey but Im not his wife, he's already got a wife. Is this just some kind of fantasy or do women truly believe it means something when he is clearly married to someone else?

 

I do not mean to be harsh as I see you are hurting. Yes everyone deserves to be happy but the difference between her and you is that you chose to inflict this pain on yourself. She did not choose any of this. Thus the focus on the BS. I think you should take this as an important learning experience and move on as best you can.

I understand it sounds nonsense, and it is. You only accept it when you are sane. It is result of your own weaknesses that you get involved with a MM who is so full of lies!

 

He says what you want to hear, and, eventually you start living those lies.

 

It has been a very important experience, and, I wish to move on.

[Girlfromcali]

I guess where I am having trouble is understanding why women buy into this nonsense that the MM says. He called you his wife in public and somehow that didnt lead you to think - hey but Im not his wife, he's already got a wife. Is this just some kind of fantasy or do women truly believe it means something when he is clearly married to someone else?

 

I do not mean to be harsh as I see you are hurting. Yes everyone deserves to be happy but the difference between her and you is that you chose to inflict this pain on yourself. She did not choose any of this. Thus the focus on the BS. I think you should take this as an important learning experience and move on as best you can.

 

For me (although you weren't asking me but my xMM also called me his wife so I'm answering), I had never experienced anything like that before so it took me a minute to figure out how "weird" it was. I broke up w him pretty quickly when I realized how fundamentally messed up the relationship was.

 

However, even after I broke up with him (i knew logically we were done) it took forever to "get over" him because I was still so deeply into him. I'm still struggling somewhat although it's getting better. I honestly never thought anything like that could happen, nor would I have ever anticipated the pain I was going to suffer from it. Now that I'm reading these stories here, I am realizing that it seems to be common.

 

If I would be an outsider, I wouldn't be able to understand it. I have never been with a man that's taken. I have never been interested in flirting with guys who are in relationships or married, it would be such a turn off for me if a married guy messed with other women. I wouldn't consider men like that manly, I would think they are weak. The same with women who have affairs. I don't necessarily think they are evil, just weak.

 

So, I could (and I have) analyzed myself a lot but it really comes down to the fact that it happened, it WONT happen again, and I will learn from this and move on.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

When I first came to this forum I had no idea that my H was having an affair. All I knew was that something was very, very wrong. I was recovering from surgery & a complete mess. My H had me convinced that it was ALL my fault (you can go back & read my first thread & posts).

 

I nearly lost my mind. I was so broken. I believed that if I was the 'perfect wife' I could save my family. If I made the slightest mistake I would loose everything. It drove me crazy. It hurts so much. I did things I shouldn't of been doing. Not only delayed my recovery but made myself much more damaged. Nothing I did was good enough! He was placating his guilt by kicking me in the gutter. It was agonizing! I just didn't understand.

 

When I finally discovered the truth it was almost a relief! At least I could start to learn the truth of my life. I'd been living a complete lie! It was horrific. I NEEDED the truth so I could start to process & heal.

 

If someone had told me the truth, if I known what was happening on certain dates etc it would of saved my sanity. It would of been a GIFT!!

 

Eventually I found emails & learnt that when we had great nights but the next day he went back to being distant or cruel it was because he was waking to messages from her & writing things like "You're the first thing I think of when I wake & the last thing I think of before I fall asleep" (it didn't seem like that at the time!!)

 

I was MORE broken by all the lies, trickle truth, gaslighting than I was by their actual relationship. I WISH someone had told me that I was being a fool, that I was being just as used as her...difference being that she knew what was going on. She escaped with more of her sanity intact!

 

We were BOTH hurt, BOTH damaged & broken.

I can't even imagine your pain! But I am so captivated that you could also see the OW was used just as you. Not all BS spouse are able to see things this way.

 

There are different individual, some would prefer knowing, and while there are others who can't even began to hear about the A. As much as I know her (based on what he used to share), she cannot take it this easily.

 

I am sure her world would go upside down, but not knowing is equal to dying from cancer and not even knowing about it.

 

Although, I know for sure that he never gave me priority over her. She was always first, and he even accepted it that she gets the priority as he lives with her, and, she is the mother to the child.

 

But, what I felt was being his bin. He used me. I came in the picture only when all his priorities were taken care off.

 

I was never important!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

For me (although you weren't asking me but my xMM also called me his wife so I'm answering), I had never experienced anything like that before so it took me a minute to figure out how "weird" it was. I broke up w him pretty quickly when I realized how fundamentally messed up the relationship was.

 

However, even after I broke up with him (i knew logically we were done) it took forever to "get over" him because I was still so deeply into him. I'm still struggling somewhat although it's getting better. I honestly never thought anything like that could happen, nor would I have ever anticipated the pain I was going to suffer from it. Now that I'm reading these stories here, I am realizing that it seems to be common.

 

If I would be an outsider, I wouldn't be able to understand it. I have never been with a man that's taken. I have never been interested in flirting with guys who are in relationships or married, it would be such a turn off for me if a married guy messed with other women. I wouldn't consider men like that manly, I would think they are weak. The same with women who have affairs. I don't necessarily think they are evil, just weak.

 

So, I could (and I have) analyzed myself a lot but it really comes down to the fact that it happened, it WONT happen again, and I will learn from this and move on.

It is that case of been there done that!

 

And, only the people who had the firsthand experience will understand. Although, there's no justification to what we did, but, it is for sure, we never anticipated it to go this way.

 

I never anticipated it would be this big of a dent! I never anticipated it will take me such insult to really figure out it’s not worth it, it never was.

 

I wish you a healthy recover, I hope you come out of it fully, and live your life the way you deserve to.

[sandylee1]

I'm usually for the truth being told ... but I feel it may leave you feeling worse.

 

It will be clear you're doing it out of revenge. You knew he was married from day 1.

 

You knew he loved his wife.

 

You paid for everything and that makes you look desperate. His wife could simply laugh in your face about this and unleash some harsh words on you.

 

Something makes me feel like he or you are from a culture where male infidelity isn't taken so seriously... I might very well be wrong with this though.

 

Why not just maintain some dignity and get on with your life.... learn from this and know that ab affair with a MM always results in someone being hurt.

 

I don't know how so many OW believe the tales about abusive wives..... The bottom line is no matter how naive you were ... you absolutely knew it was wrong to have a relationship with a MM... nothing else really matters.

 

Just move on and act like he's dead.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I'm usually for the truth being told ... but I feel it may leave you feeling worse.

 

It will be clear you're doing it out of revenge. You knew he was married from day 1.

 

You knew he loved his wife.

 

You paid for everything and that makes you look desperate. His wife could simply laugh in your face about this and unleash some harsh words on you.

 

Something makes me feel like he or you are from a culture where male infidelity isn't taken so seriously... I might very well be wrong with this though.

 

Why not just maintain some dignity and get on with your life.... learn from this and know that ab affair with a MM always results in someone being hurt.

 

I don't know how so many OW believe the tales about abusive wives..... The bottom line is no matter how naive you were ... you absolutely knew it was wrong to have a relationship with a MM... nothing else really matters.

 

Just move on and act like he's dead.

I agree that it might leave me feeling worse. On the last day when he stopped taking my calling and didn't respond to my messages, even during those arguments he didn't say he wants to end, he kept making excuses that he had guests at home. However, I know those were lies, and he was home spending time with her,

 

It was me saying IT IS OVER for real, I just want his wife to know about both of us, not just what he did, but my part too. Only after hearing I was so firm on telling his wife that he started saying he will ruin my name, and would say that I pursued him, even after me having all the proofs who initiated it.

 

And, A is quite a big deal in our culture. It will be extremely tough on both of us, if it comes out in open.

 

What I am unsure about is what is termed as dignity, moving on silently and not accepting about my horrible actions or accepting it in front of the BS?

 

Although, I stood firm on my words when I told him that this is the last time he will hear from me, and I meant it. It’s just I wanted her to know!

 

I am not trying to gain anything out of this, just not sure what's the better way to heal!

[sandylee1]

I'm sure your name will be ruined and people always think the worse of women in these situations. We're meant to be the sex with higher morals and to be able to control our sexual urges .... men are deemed to have a lack of control... he'll come out okay and you'll just look awful.

 

Confess to a priest or equivalent... if you're religious. I still feel your motives are because you felt used. If he treated you better you'd still be happily in the affair.

 

Why do you feel bad now and not in the beginning?

 

Have you has a come to Jesus moment? Be honest about your motivation here..it was always wrong so why tell her now?

 

She doesn't know you. Her husband is her problem.

 

Make amends within yourself and make better choices. Ultimately...it's up to you to do as you wish. Lets us know how it goes.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I'm sure your name will be ruined and people always think the worse of women in these situations. We're meant to be the sex with higher morals and to be able to control our sexual urges .... men are deemed to have a lack of control... he'll come out okay and you'll just look awful.

 

Confess to a priest or equivalent... if you're religious. I still feel your motives are because you felt used. If he treated you better you'd still be happily in the affair.

 

Why do you feel bad now and not in the beginning?

 

Have you has a come to Jesus moment? Be honest about your motivation here..it was always wrong so why tell her now?

 

She doesn't know you. Her husband is her problem.

 

Make amends within yourself and make better choices. Ultimately...it's up to you to do as you wish. Lets us know how it goes.

Thank you for your great questions and keeping me in perspective!

 

I realized within first week itself that what I am doing is not what I am proud of. Still, I continued and it is my fault. After the first three months I have been haunting him and telling him how bad I feel. I kept telling myself I am into something I would never wish for any female. I kept pressurizing him that I need to tell his wife or he should do that, but, he didn't do that.

 

He got me scared saying she might harm herself which I realized after months that she might not do anything like that. It's just this man wanted to keep his public image, money and family hence he manipulated me into not telling her anything.

 

But, I completely agree with the other fact as well that eventually I am responsible only for myself, and I must focus on how to make amends with myself.

 

It's the 7th day of NC, my feelings in any day are running in waves. I am feeling OK one moment and satisfied that it is eventually over, and, the other moment I can't handle the fact I allowed myself into all this.

 

I don't know when will these haunting feelings lessen.

[whichwayisup]

I agree that it might leave me feeling worse. On the last day when he stopped taking my calling and didn't respond to my messages, even during those arguments he didn't say he wants to end, he kept making excuses that he had guests at home. However, I know those were lies, and he was home spending time with her,

 

It was me saying IT IS OVER for real, I just want his wife to know about both of us, not just what he did, but my part too. Only after hearing I was so firm on telling his wife that he started saying he will ruin my name, and would say that I pursued him, even after me having all the proofs who initiated it.

 

And, A is quite a big deal in our culture. It will be extremely tough on both of us, if it comes out in open.

 

What I am unsure about is what is termed as dignity, moving on silently and not accepting about my horrible actions or accepting it in front of the BS?

 

Although, I stood firm on my words when I told him that this is the last time he will hear from me, and I meant it. It’s just I wanted her to know!

 

I am not trying to gain anything out of this, just not sure what's the better way to heal!

 

If you tell, be prepared for your own fallout and consequences of your choices. You want to blow up his marriage and for his wife to know, he will blow up your world as well, rightfully so. Own it, accept it and move on.

 

Or you can never see or speak to him again, leave exMM and his wife alone and don't look back, grieve the loss, learn from your mistakes and choices so you don't put yourself in a situation like that ever again.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Yeah! I have been going crazy thinking about it.

 

I am going to move on! I can't undo what I did, but, I need to grieve, learn and heal. Although I am sure, he would be getting into a setup like this soon again, and she may never know.

 

But, I am fed up making it my business. For a change will just focus on myself, my healing.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Truthtobetoldtoyou,

 

I've been reading your story. I understand and can relate to wanting to tell his wife. My 2c - don't.

 

It will not heal you, which is what you need.

 

Stay strong!

[Josmatjes]

What the wife needs to know is how her husband portrayed her during the affair. SO if you tell her make sure she understands that. I know it takes two but he pursued you, didn't he?

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Truthtobetoldtoyou,

 

I've been reading your story. I understand and can relate to wanting to tell his wife. My 2c - don't.

 

It will not heal you, which is what you need.

 

Stay strong!

Thank you for saying you undertsand!

 

I know what I did, and I shouldn't have. And, I did that knowing he was married, so people are right in judging why I want to tell her now, but I always wanted to tell her.

 

However, I am starting to realize more and more that telling her won't take the burden off! And, I just need to focus on my healing.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

What the wife needs to know is how her husband portrayed her during the affair. SO if you tell her make sure she understands that. I know it takes two but he pursued you, didn't he?

Yes agree. Along with what we did she needed to know what all he said about her. He portrayed her as a very arrogant, selfish, mean, greedy woman who was the reason that he had to cut his ties with his whole family.

 

I don't know if any of it is true, but, she must have known.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

What the wife needs to know is how her husband portrayed her during the affair. SO if you tell her make sure she understands that. I know it takes two but he pursued you, didn't he?

And, yes. He initiated. He pursued me not just in the beginning, but also the multiple times when I broke it off.

 

He pursued and pushed for every single thing in this relationship. Right from confessing our love, going intimate, going on trips. I did everything that he wanted and that is what my fault is. I was vulnerable! A weak lonely woman!

[Girlfromcali]

That sounds so horrible, almost like he has a personality disorder. He's saying all those things to you, yet bashing his wife?

I have to say that my xMM never said anything bad about his wife to me, nor would I tolerate it at all. Even the little things he would say sometimes, I would get angry at him, like I'm not here so you can complain about your wife when I know you live with her, and when you're done being mad at her and forget about the things you told me, I will still remember!

 

It's just so weird to me. Even if the wife was horrible, I don't think it's fair to go saying bad things about her to other people when she's not there to defend herself. I see a lot of MM's here do that, complain about their wives.

 

My H would never say anything bad about me to anyone, I know that for a fact, even when I act horribly. He always defends me even when I don't deserve it. I guess I take it for granted that that's how men are supposed to be.

[Miss Clavel]

there's an old saying in AA. once you put your donation in the basket, it ain't your money anymore.

 

she can put it out there, that he's a cheater and that's the end of it. she can not control what anyone does after that.

 

i haven't been in this situation, well, lately, but i don't think she's got anything to prove. if the wife's got any sense at all, she will believe her. and if she hasn't, she'll believe the next OW that comes along, and another one will.

 

o.p., stay strong, you've got guts, which is why you took the leap. look first next time tho, save yourself the pain.