I Was The Other Woman

[Miss Clavel]

That sounds so horrible, almost like he has a personality disorder. He's saying all those things to you, yet bashing his wife?

I have to say that my xMM never said anything bad about his wife to me, nor would I tolerate it at all. Even the little things he would say sometimes, I would get angry at him, like I'm not here so you can complain about your wife when I know you live with her, and when you're done being mad at her and forget about the things you told me, I will still remember!

 

It's just so weird to me. Even if the wife was horrible, I don't think it's fair to go saying bad things about her to other people when she's not there to defend herself. I see a lot of MM's here do that, complain about their wives.

 

My H would never say anything bad about me to anyone, I know that for a fact, even when I act horribly. He always defends me even when I don't deserve it. I guess I take it for granted that that's how men are supposed to be.

 

 

amen. i told mr clavel that even tho i suspected his "soul mate" didn't have a heart or feelings for that matter, she would be very hurt to hear the dirt he'd dish on her, to me, of all people.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

That sounds so horrible, almost like he has a personality disorder. He's saying all those things to you, yet bashing his wife?

I have to say that my xMM never said anything bad about his wife to me, nor would I tolerate it at all. Even the little things he would say sometimes, I would get angry at him, like I'm not here so you can complain about your wife when I know you live with her, and when you're done being mad at her and forget about the things you told me, I will still remember!

 

It's just so weird to me. Even if the wife was horrible, I don't think it's fair to go saying bad things about her to other people when she's not there to defend herself. I see a lot of MM's here do that, complain about their wives.

 

My H would never say anything bad about me to anyone, I know that for a fact, even when I act horribly. He always defends me even when I don't deserve it. I guess I take it for granted that that's how men are supposed to be.

Yes, it is very strange. Initially he said their relationship is at a stage where they are just parents to their kid. No love. After a month, they had a horrible fight, and then he started saying all this.

 

He used to confuse me a lot, at times he would say he loves her, at times he would say they are just parents to their kid, at times he would say he made a lot of mistakes and took everything on himself, and she did nothing. Still he said she is a good mother, so I used to fight a lot on these ever changing statements.

 

It appeared like he used to talk about her based on his mood. The only thing he maintained throughout is she is a good mother, on all other aspects he said a lot. And later just forget all that and say something else.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

there's an old saying in AA. once you put your donation in the basket, it ain't your money anymore.

 

she can put it out there, that he's a cheater and that's the end of it. she can not control what anyone does after that.

 

i haven't been in this situation, well, lately, but i don't think she's got anything to prove. if the wife's got any sense at all, she will believe her. and if she hasn't, she'll believe the next OW that comes along, and another one will.

 

o.p., stay strong, you've got guts, which is why you took the leap. look first next time tho, save yourself the pain.

Yes, he can't stop, and even if I don't mention it to the BS, someone else will.

 

I have to stay strong or else this guilt will crush me. I just know what is that I need to be careful about going forward. Many a times we only fought because he used to talk about her (that how helpless he is). I wish I stopped him there!

[Miss Clavel]

Yes, it is very strange. Initially he said their relationship is at a stage where they are just parents to their kid. No love. After a month, they had a horrible fight, and then he started saying all this.

 

He used to confuse me a lot, at times he would say he loves her, at times he would say they are just parents to their kid, at times he would say he made a lot of mistakes and took everything on himself, and she did nothing. Still he said she is a good mother, so I used to fight a lot on these ever changing statements.

 

It appeared like he used to talk about her based on his mood. The only thing he maintained throughout is she is a good mother, on all other aspects he said a lot. And later just forget all that and say something else.

 

do not tolerate this. at the least, it's none of your business. he already has someone on his side, unconditionally, over at his house.

 

believe me, you don't want to get an earful, from her. when she gets done describing him and his behavior to you, you won't believe your ears.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

do not tolerate this. at the least, it's none of your business. he already has someone on his side, unconditionally, over at his house.

 

believe me, you don't want to get an earful, from her. when she gets done describing him and his behavior to you, you won't believe your ears.

Yes, it was quite foolish to even be THAT punching bag!

 

He could rant his frustration on me, and, I don't even know what were his faults in the marriage. And, you are right, that I might not even believe my ears if I get to hear that.

[stilltrying16]

What the wife needs to know is how her husband portrayed her during the affair. SO if you tell her make sure she understands that. I know it takes two but he pursued you, didn't he?

 

Thank you for saying this. For me, this became an excruciating obsession- what he said about me to her, and which of my secrets, fears and vulnerabilities he shared with her for her and others to mock. I was young then and my sense of self was far more fragile than it is now. It was truly painful.

 

I want to say that to me this violation of the BS's privacy, exposure of her vulnerabilities, is completely and forever unforgivable. It's unforgiveable in the same way that it's unforgiveable if the friendship ends for a close friend to run around telling outsiders what you shared with her in confidence. In these instances where the MM bitches up his BS, he seems really weak and unprincipled to me.

 

Yes agree. Along with what we did she needed to know what all he said about her. He portrayed her as a very arrogant, selfish, mean, greedy woman who was the reason that he had to cut his ties with his whole family.

 

I don't know if any of it is true, but, she must have known.

 

There are some MM for whom I don't lose all respect. A couple who post here always clarify that they never badmouthed their wives to the OW (and vice-versa, I hope, if there is a Dday). And that is something I respect. It seems your MM isn't one of them- not after this. I'm sorry he treats you and his BS so badly, TTBTTY

Edited April 27, 2016 by stilltrying16

[stilltrying16]

TTBTTY, on another note, I've been meaning to ask you if you are in therapy? If so have you run this question- to tell or not to tell- by your therapist?

[Girlfromcali]

I want to say that to me this violation of the BS's privacy, exposure of her vulnerabilities, is completely and forever unforgivable. It's unforgiveable in the same way that it's unforgiveable if the friendship ends for a close friend to run around telling outsiders what you shared with her in confidence. In these instances where the MM bitches up his BS, he seems really weak and unprincipled to me.

 

My A was very short lived because I got myself out of it as soon as I came to my senses, and this place helps a lot, but I remember getting really angry to the point of rage almost any time he'd say anything bad about his wife.

 

I would lash out and not talk to him for two weeks. I don't know what caused this reaction in me but I was always defending her and he didn't like it. I guess it was hard for him to accept that he was betraying someone who was good and perfect in every way.

[stilltrying16]

My A was very short lived because I got myself out of it as soon as I came to my senses, and this place helps a lot, but I remember getting really angry to the point of rage almost any time he'd say anything bad about his wife.

 

I would lash out and not talk to him for two weeks. I don't know what caused this reaction in me but I was always defending her and he didn't like it. I guess it was hard for him to accept that he was betraying someone who was good and perfect in every way.

 

GirlfromCali, I gathered that about you when I was catching up with this thread. And now I'm reading yours and seeing even more examples of your empathy. Your posts are so heartening. I posted on another thread that it's empathy rather than morality on which I rest my hopes! Shared moral codes are a thing of the past (and that's actually a good thing IMO). What can and should take their place is empathy....it can get us through so much heartbreak.

[Onlywhenitrains]

This is true. One of the things I did appreciate about my exMM is that he never said anything bad about his wife. The only thing he always said is that they just drifted away, and stopped caring about each other. He also said that the only thing that keeps them together living as roommates is their son. It did seem as something I could believe.

 

One thing I know - I could never tolerate him saying anything bad about her.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

TTBTTY, on another note, I've been meaning to ask you if you are in therapy? If so have you run this question- to tell or not to tell- by your therapist?

No, I am not taking therapy, and only thinking if I should or shouldn't.

 

Still fighting with myself! There are many, “I-shouldn't-have-thoughts” in my mind, and I really need get this guilt out of me.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

All these replies seems so compassionate, I, in first place, shouldn't have heard anything about BS!

 

I was too immature to think he actually was suffering this much, and, she really treated him like that, and the only reasons was that he was such a good father that he took it all.

 

I will utter foolish to have heard and believed all that.

[sandylee1]

That sounds so horrible, almost like he has a personality disorder. He's saying all those things to you, yet bashing his wife?

I have to say that my xMM never said anything bad about his wife to me, nor would I tolerate it at all. Even the little things he would say sometimes, I would get angry at him, like I'm not here so you can complain about your wife when I know you live with her, and when you're done being mad at her and forget about the things you told me, I will still remember!

 

It's just so weird to me. Even if the wife was horrible, I don't think it's fair to go saying bad things about her to other people when she's not there to defend herself. I see a lot of MM's here do that, complain about their wives.

 

My H would never say anything bad about me to anyone, I know that for a fact, even when I act horribly. He always defends me even when I don't deserve it. I guess I take it for granted that that's how men are supposed to be.

 

It's not unusual for MM to say nasty things about their wives. It gains sympathy and helps justify the affair. Very few would engage in an affair if MM said his wife was great and wonderful and he loves her to the moon and back. You'd think he was crazy and just out to use you.... which he is...but he can't very well say that to you can he.

 

Usually these lies have the OW hating the wife and dubbing her the wicked witch of the west for touring their MM..... Instead of realising he'd be out of there if it was truly so bad.

 

A few here have told the OW how their wife has let go and is unattractive... only for the OW to see her picture and realise she's a stunner.

 

Cheaters like him are liars...... it's crazy to believe anything a con artist tells you.

[stilltrying16]

All these replies seems so compassionate, I, in first place, shouldn't have heard anything about BS!

 

I was too immature to think he actually was suffering this much, and, she really treated him like that, and the only reasons was that he was such a good father that he took it all.

 

I will utter foolish to have heard and believed all that.

 

People are often compassionate on this site. Not always- in my 4 weeks or so of reading. And I think the compassionate posts on your thread are responding to the fact that you yourself are compassionate.

 

So you did something you are not proud of. You have forewarned yourself for the future. And you won't do it again.

 

And btw I think you scared him sh*tless. It might not stop him altogether, but maybe it'll put some check to his philandering here on out. And I just don't see you falling into an affair with an MM again.

---

 

About the telling/not telling:

 

I asked about the therapist because my sense is you are mired in guilt at the moment, and one has to dig very deep to build from guilt towards responsibility. The problem with guilt is that it is a dead end emotion IMO. We think it'll help us reform whatever we want to reform. But sometimes it has the opposite effect. I'm speaking of the way I and some others I know deal with guilt. Let's say I am very guilty over a wrong I have done to someone named X. I wallow in my guilt (I don't see you wallowing by the way but I know I do- and many people do). I welcome those feelings of guilt because they make me feel at least a little good about myself... that I at least have it in me to recognize and feel bad for my actions. And that feeling good pattern might be satisfying enough so that eventually I lose sight of what I wanted to fix in the first place.

 

Or, alternatively, I keep wallowing in guilt towards X. BIecause I can't kill my self-love, at some point my guilt towards X will make me subconsciously start resenting X for "causing" the guilt (even though X hasn't caused the guilt- our self-protective feelings have!). And eventually I will need to demonize X to get over the guilt. This is the very pattern than explains why some MM start rewriting their marital history and find ingenious ways to blame the very person they've harmed. And then the cycle of wronging that person begins all over again, except we've now managed to justify it to ourselves. So now the damage will be greater and the next cycle a little harder to break and so on and so on.

 

I'm not saying either of these scenarios will happen with your feelings of guilt, and I am certainly not telling you something you don't know. I just wanted to say we play such complicated games with ourselves and sometimes it takes a trained dispassionate eye to show us a way out.

 

That said, I need to have been in therapy myself and am not.So I am in no position to preach! Just wanted to think along with you though because guilt is a huge thing in my life.

Edited April 27, 2016 by stilltrying16

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

People are often compassionate on this site. Not always- in my 4 weeks or so of reading. And I think the compassionate posts on your thread are responding to the fact that you yourself are compassionate.

 

So you did something you are not proud of. You have forewarned yourself for the future. And you won't do it again.

 

And btw I think you scared him sh*tless. It might not stop him altogether, but maybe it'll put some check to his philandering here on out. And I just don't see you falling into an affair with an MM again.

---

 

About the telling/not telling:

 

I asked about the therapist because my sense is you are mired in guilt at the moment, and one has to dig very deep to build from guilt towards responsibility. The problem with guilt is that it is a dead end emotion IMO. We think it'll help us reform whatever we want to reform. But sometimes it has the opposite effect. I'm speaking of the way I and some others I know deal with guilt. Let's say I am very guilty over a wrong I have done to someone named X. I wallow in my guilt (I don't see you wallowing by the way but I know I do- and many people do). I welcome those feelings of guilt because they make me feel at least a little good about myself... that I at least have it in me to recognize and feel bad for my actions. And that feeling good pattern might be satisfying enough so that eventually I lose sight of what I wanted to fix in the first place.

 

Or, alternatively, I keep wallowing in guilt towards X. BIecause I can't kill my self-love, at some point my guilt towards X will make me subconsciously start resenting X for "causing" the guilt (even though X hasn't caused the guilt- our self-protective feelings have!). And eventually I will need to demonize X to get over the guilt. This is the very pattern than explains why some MM start rewriting their marital history and find ingenious ways to blame the very person they've harmed. And then the cycle of wronging that person begins all over again, except we've now managed to justify it to ourselves. So now the damage will be greater and the next cycle a little harder to break and so on and so on.

 

I'm not saying either of these scenarios will happen with your feelings of guilt, and I am certainly not telling you something you don't know. I just wanted to say we play such complicated games with ourselves and sometimes it takes a trained dispassionate eye to show us a way out.

 

That said, I need to have been in therapy myself and am not.So I am in no position to preach! Just wanted to think along with you though because guilt is a huge thing in my life.

First, I must confess that your replies on my post have been quite helpful!

 

You really seem like a mature kind person, who is not out judging every action, but to be a real human, and understand human nature is quite complicated, and at times we don't even know the reason of our deeds, and, even while some-how knowing the consequences we keep doing that.

 

I won't be honest if I say that I am not pleased with the fact that I at least could instill that sense of discomfort in him of having an A again. This takes off a portion of guilt, that he won't be this easy with cheating his spouse again, and, maybe that's the least I could do for HER!

 

And, for the guilt and therapy, I absolutely agree with what you said! I have been bashing myself so badly, and, keep questioning myself with various questions: why did I choose HIM over other single available men? why when I realized the very first moment this is wrong, I didn't end it? Why I initially didn't hear anything about her, but later never stopped him? Why I cried daily when with him still didn't end until it was too late?

 

There are so many questions I have for myself, and I am finding no way of getting the answers!

 

I am not able to gather the strength of narrating it to someone in person, it may sound too foolish, but I am ashamed!

[stilltrying16]

First, I must confess that your replies on my post have been quite helpful!

 

You really seem like a mature kind person, who is not out judging every action, but to be a real human, and understand human nature is quite complicated, and at times we don't even know the reason of our deeds, and, even while some-how knowing the consequences we keep doing that.

 

I won't be honest if I say that I am not pleased with the fact that I at least could instill that sense of discomfort in him of having an A again. This takes off a portion of guilt, that he won't be this easy with cheating his spouse again, and, maybe that's the least I could do for HER!

 

And, for the guilt and therapy, I absolutely agree with what you said! I have been bashing myself so badly, and, keep questioning myself with various questions: why did I choose HIM over other single available men? why when I realized the very first moment this is wrong, I didn't end it? Why I initially didn't hear anything about her, but later never stopped him? Why I cried daily when with him still didn't end until it was too late?

 

There are so many questions I have for myself, and I am finding no way of getting the answers!

 

I am not able to gather the strength of narrating it to someone in person, it may sound too foolish, but I am ashamed!

 

Doesn't sound foolish- if it does, I'm right there with you!

 

Thank you for your kind words, TTBTTY. Right back at you. I've done things that I am not proud of, that I wish I could undo, that make me cringe decades down the line. I've looked for a healthy way to move through and past these emotions. Not always successfully.

 

So here's an exercise- and again you might have done a version of it already, but if not, it's something to consider.

 

Make a list or write a journal entry- or post it here. This list has 4 sections to start with, and you could make it 8 sections if you want.

 

Section 1: The best that could happen for you if you told

 

Section 2. The worst that could happen for you if you told.

 

Section 3: The best that could happen for you if you didn't tell.

 

Section 4: The worst that could happen for you if you didn't tell.

 

--and the other 4 sections if you want to go there.

 

Section 5: Best outcome for BW if you told

 

Section 6. Worst outcome for BW if you told.

 

Section 7: Best outcome for BW if you didn't tell.

 

Section : Worst outcome for BW if you didn't tell.

 

Maybe laying it out like that will provide some structure to thoughts that otherwise keep circling. And once you have responses to each of the 8 categories you want to consider, you'll have a clearer sense of pros and cons? Also, once you have responses to those sections, you could probe the responses further.

-----

 

One other possibility I was wondering about. You mentioned at one point that she would probably find out anyway even if you didn't tell. What are the chances of that? Should that influence your decision? How would you feel if she did find out without you telling her?

 

I'm asking because there are sneakier ways where you can insure she'll find out. But I feel your approach is generally upfront, so these methods might not appeal to you. For example, you could write to her anonymously with proof. (con: she- and probably he- will guess it's you anyway)- but still, it's an option- with pros and cons.

 

Or you could give him a deadline and say if he doesn't tell her by then, you will. Cons: 1) it's a form of blackmail. 2) he'll be furious and vindictive- even more so than he is now. 3) you will need to break NC with him.

Pros: 1) It's least painful for the BS when the MM confesses of his own volition- or apparently of his own volition. 2) you might not even need to tell him- reading between the lines, he's probably already convinced you will and might decide to preempt you by telling her (thus taking control of the narrative).

 

It helps me so much to read your thread- thank you for your honesty in bringing up these painful issues. I'm sending you lots of strength, clarity, and hugs!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Doesn't sound foolish- if it does, I'm right there with you!

 

Thank you for your kind words, TTBTTY. Right back at you. I've done things that I am not proud of, that I wish I could undo, that make me cringe decades down the line. I've looked for a healthy way to move through and past these emotions. Not always successfully.

 

So here's an exercise- and again you might have done a version of it already, but if not, it's something to consider.

 

Make a list or write a journal entry- or post it here. This list has 4 sections to start with, and you could make it 8 sections if you want.

 

Section 1: The best that could happen for you if you told

 

Section 2. The worst that could happen for you if you told.

 

Section 3: The best that could happen for you if you didn't tell.

 

Section 4: The worst that could happen for you if you didn't tell.

 

--and the other 4 sections if you want to go there.

 

Section 5: Best outcome for BW if you told

 

Section 6. Worst outcome for BW if you told.

 

Section 7: Best outcome for BW if you didn't tell.

 

Section : Worst outcome for BW if you didn't tell.

 

Maybe laying it out like that will provide some structure to thoughts that otherwise keep circling. And once you have responses to each of the 8 categories you want to consider, you'll have a clearer sense of pros and cons? Also, once you have responses to those sections, you could probe the responses further.

-----

 

One other possibility I was wondering about. You mentioned at one point that she would probably find out anyway even if you didn't tell. What are the chances of that? Should that influence your decision? How would you feel if she did find out without you telling her?

 

I'm asking because there are sneakier ways where you can insure she'll find out. But I feel your approach is generally upfront, so these methods might not appeal to you. For example, you could write to her anonymously with proof. (con: she- and probably he- will guess it's you anyway)- but still, it's an option- with pros and cons.

 

Or you could give him a deadline and say if he doesn't tell her by then, you will. Cons: 1) it's a form of blackmail. 2) he'll be furious and vindictive- even more so than he is now. 3) you will need to break NC with him.

Pros: 1) It's least painful for the BS when the MM confesses of his own volition- or apparently of his own volition. 2) you might not even need to tell him- reading between the lines, he's probably already convinced you will and might decide to preempt you by telling her (thus taking control of the narrative).

 

It helps me so much to read your thread- thank you for your honesty in bringing up these painful issues. I'm sending you lots of strength, clarity, and hugs!

Thanks for your awesome support!

 

I will definitely do this exercise, although, in my mind I have been rehashing these questions since the breakup!

 

The reason, I believe someday she will find it out is because I trust that man repeating this once the recent dust settles. The way I saw him in the office, he was rather friendlier with all the “good-looking” females, and, I don’t think he can get away from his old habit of getting involved with more and more women. Even in his current workplace, he has been extra pally with the females folks, and used to brag in front of me.

 

This is not just based on how I saw him in the office, and, how he spoke about the chicks at his current workplace, but, since his teenage he has been a magnet for the girls around (this is how he finds himself). And, frankly I even questioned him at times, if I am the first one, because this way his W use to keep checks on him, it appeared to me that she couldn’t trust him.

 

At times, he would disconnect the call (because she called at the same time, and his number was busy), and then when he got back home, he dropped me a message that if I call back again don’t pick up, because she might call from my number to check who I was talking to. He deleted my messages even when he was out, i.e. it was in his habit to delete my messages the moment they arrive, he never took a risk of keeping them in the phone, same with my emails, and call logs (not to mention, I was named a guy-friend on his phone). She used to call him many times a day to check what he was upto. So I really had the feeling at times that he had a history, and that’s why she cant trust him.

 

And, because I think, 1) he can’t stay away from the females around and 2) He had ways that had me thinking that he had a history, maybe not this elaborate, so that’s why I think she someday will find it out.

 

It gives me second-thoughts that she has to eventually find out, so me not telling her may not be that big of a deal. And, it is ok with me, as long as she knows, even if it’s his past or future ones who might spill the beans!

 

And, I already sent her the email (on the day of beark-up), although he deleted it, and told me he did. But said to me that he will tell her about us, but I was adamant in knowing what he tells her, because I wanted him to speak the truth and take the responsibility, and not put it on me, like he said I PURSUED him. That was my last message to him: “Did to tell her yet? If not, call me, put me on speaker, and tell her, I want her to know the truth”

 

He never replied and I never contacted again. And, as he already knows I sent an email, I think he might be already worried that I can do it again (even if I do it anonymously). I don’t care what emotions he will have, let him be furious! And contacting him again is something that I would never ever want to do in my life.

 

The only think that bugs me, if he already told her (Although I don’t think he has the guts to), he would have already put it all on me. And she might not even believe me if I contact her. And, secondly, if he didn’t then he never will until I come back again and push him to.

 

My only guess is, he is scared, and, he would act deaf and dumb until I re-appear and then he will act as an innocent kid wooed by the horrible woman.

 

And, I don’t know if this bit would make any difference. He used to mention she is not from a well to do family, and earns quite less. And he somehow thinks she won’t leave him as she can’t make a living on her own (not only because of financial reasons, but because he had given her too much, and she was quite dependent. She had two full time maids for house hold chores and any outside work was taken care off by him. And everything for their kid was done by this guy (from a to z, not just getting him ready, feeding him, taking him to school, getting him to sleep, everything). So as per him, she was this dependent that she had all the luxuries and was a grown up kid, who just looked after what maids and he were doing). I don’t know if any of it is true, I am just giving the background.

 

And, maybe this is why she already knows about the past As and did nothing and still with him!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

:sick: And sorry for this huge monolouge

[stilltrying16]

:sick: And sorry for this huge monolouge

 

Oh no, hardly- I should be the one apologizing for that last novella.

 

Truthtobetoldtoyou,

 

I agree with you. She probably does know he cheats (or she wouldn't be doing that frantic policing, which you've witnessed first hand).

 

Or if she doesn't, she will soon, because he won't stop.

 

Or if he does stop (scared sh*tless by you ), that might be the best outcome anyway: given that she has probably forgiven him his past infidelities in the hope he won't stray again.

 

I would let it go for now. Wait for a long long time; unless an opportunity presents itself, I would say wait till she contacts you.

 

You've tried once and you couldn't get past him. At this point, you've probably got him policing her () so he can stay ahead of you- as frantically as she polices him . Even if you do tell eventually, the longer you wait, the more he'll sweat, and maybe he'll finally get nervous enough to tell her anyway. It's a win-win for you and her if you don't tell her right away.

 

The one thing I'd caution you on: please let go of the notion that you can somehow control the spin he will put on it. it is very unlikely you can influence her on who pursued whom. It's in his interest to persuade her that you were the evil obsessed woman in hot pursuit of his sexy hotness. She seems quite inclined to believe him, seeing as how she's probably known of his past cheating and has found a way to live with it. Fear, disloyalty to everyone but himself, and lying is his pattern and denial is hers. He has her ear 24/7 unless she throws him out.

 

This is unfair, but those are the breaks- unless she reaches out to you one day, I don't think you can correct any bs he puts out. So I would say hang on to the evidence- but don't tell, unless an opportunity drops into your lap. Or at least wait.

 

The one remaining question is why you care so much that she blames the right person. It goes beyond just guilt, right?

 

Anyway- I think you should stop worrying. Things seem to be as much in control as they can be at this point. You've come out of it relatively intact, and that in part is due to how you approached it! You've refused to put up with bs and have tried to look out for her too. You deserve lots of hugs! Take care! -

Edited April 28, 2016 by stilltrying16

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Hi stilltrying16

 

I can only say that your posts have asked the questions that take things in right direction

 

I so agree to just wait and not watch ()! I mean I now want to let things take their own course. However, this I told him as well, “if she ever asks me, trust me I will speak the truth and only truth, not hide my part and just talk about your bit, but the complete truth”. And he always said he knows I will.

 

If she approaches me now, or in 10 months, or in years, I will let her know the truth.

 

It is much more than guilt, I don’t want her to just blame him, and I have my part in it. I want her to know the truth, what his part was and what was mine.

 

Since childhood, I have been that person who was upfront; I never could find any intelligence in being the OW, until I got myself landed into this situation. And because I always valued conscience so much, so after doing THIS, I want her or anyone to blame me only for what I did, and he MUST own his part. I don’t know if this explanation makes sense, but, I want to be my original self again, and believe in my values again!

 

I accept my faults openly, and believes in apologizing, but at the same time, I don’t want to be blamed for something that is not my sh**.

 

Thanks for taking time out and reading through my ranting! It helpful beyond your imagination! You nailed it, and, I really can see how things are between them! And, this is not any of my business now!

 

A big warm hug to you! Thanks for all the attention

[Chuff]

You nailed it, and, I really can see how things are between them! And, this is not any of my business now!

 

 

 

YES!!!!!!!!!

 

Well done!!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

YES!!!!!!!!!

 

Well done!!

Thanks Chuff!

 

Loving this empowerment after months! Loving being myself again!

 

I am too early in the process, and, it gets tough at times, but, I am admant on staying strong!

[Girlfromcali]

It's not unusual for MM to say nasty things about their wives. It gains sympathy and helps justify the affair. Very few would engage in an affair if MM said his wife was great and wonderful and he loves her to the moon and back. You'd think he was crazy and just out to use you.... which he is...but he can't very well say that to you can he.

 

Usually these lies have the OW hating the wife and dubbing her the wicked witch of the west for touring their MM..... Instead of realising he'd be out of there if it was truly so bad.

 

A few here have told the OW how their wife has let go and is unattractive... only for the OW to see her picture and realise she's a stunner.

 

Cheaters like him are liars...... it's crazy to believe anything a con artist tells you.

 

Well, my xMM said all those wonderful things about his wife and I think that's what attracted me to him. Had he said bad things about the wife, it would've been a huge turn off for me. A man who would say bad things about the wife would not be attractive in my eyes at all because it's not "manly" to me.

So, why would I start an A with a man who has a wonderful W? Well, I never expected him to cheat. I never said anything inappropriate to him, I was always respectful and admired his faithfullness.

He went from being a loving husband with a perfect marriage to coming onto me extremely aggressively and quickly. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I did stop the A pretty early on though for a million different reasons but it was a weirdest head trip ever. If he had come on to me complaining about his wife, at least I had known that oh, the typical wife doesn't understand me, case. I can't stand predictability and obviousness.

[Bufo]

A suggestion for thought. If MM is a serial cheater (as you say very likely) and a real pro at cheating (see for example habitual automatic message deletion) and he treats this A as over and done, it seems unlikely that BW is going to find out about you. If he's caught down the road someday, he will have to fess up to the then-current A. But a pro cheater isn't likely to list all his affairs in a timeline complete with last names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses to give to BW.

 

First hell only admit to what she knows. Second in keeping with his messaging habits he'll probably have deleted all contact information.

 

And, while this may seem cynical, you weren't married to her and broke no vows to her. Telling her is really his problem, not yours.

 

That my two cents worth offered a little late in this thread.

[sandylee1]

Well, my xMM said all those wonderful things about his wife and I think that's what attracted me to him. Had he said bad things about the wife, it would've been a huge turn off for me. A man who would say bad things about the wife would not be attractive in my eyes at all because it's not "manly" to me.

So, why would I start an A with a man who has a wonderful W? Well, I never expected him to cheat. I never said anything inappropriate to him, I was always respectful and admired his faithfullness.

He went from being a loving husband with a perfect marriage to coming onto me extremely aggressively and quickly. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I did stop the A pretty early on though for a million different reasons but it was a weirdest head trip ever. If he had come on to me complaining about his wife, at least I had known that oh, the typical wife doesn't understand me, case. I can't stand predictability and obviousness.

 

I'd say this isn't the norm for an MM .... all those conversations about how great his wife is to you...was the start of a slippery slope and an EA. Maybe that was how he reeled you in.... so you would have your guard down..... who knows.

 

A lack of boundaries led to the A.

 

I have no need to tell other men how great my H is... why would that be their concern.