I Was The Other Woman

[Girlfromcali]

I'd say this isn't the norm for an MM .... all those conversations about how great his wife is to you...was the start of a slippery slope and an EA. Maybe that was how he reeled you in.... so you would have your guard down..... who knows.

 

A lack of boundaries led to the A.

 

I have no need to tell other men how great my H is... why would that be their concern.

 

That is true. Why say that someone is great or horrible, aren't we all just people with strengths and weaknesses? If a man says how bad his wife is and they've been married for a long time, wouldn't one wonder WHY she is so bad? Is she depressed, has the H treated her badly? Why would anyone need to be awful if their spouse treats them well?

 

Also, the "perfect family" that everyone wants to portray in Fakebook makes me wanna barf. Like, I understand that maybe if you're a newlywed you want the whole world to know but why do people have to let everyone know how perfect and happy they are? Those are probably the families with biggest skeletons in their closets.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

A suggestion for thought. If MM is a serial cheater (as you say very likely) and a real pro at cheating (see for example habitual automatic message deletion) and he treats this A as over and done, it seems unlikely that BW is going to find out about you. If he's caught down the road someday, he will have to fess up to the then-current A. But a pro cheater isn't likely to list all his affairs in a timeline complete with last names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses to give to BW.

 

First hell only admit to what she knows. Second in keeping with his messaging habits he'll probably have deleted all contact information.

 

And, while this may seem cynical, you weren't married to her and broke no vows to her. Telling her is really his problem, not yours.

 

That my two cents worth offered a little late in this thread.

A very fresh view on this topic!

 

She may eventually find it! He will confess only what she may find out! And, it should be his problem, not mine!

 

And moreover, I think he will always be this busy trying to hide his current A.

[Grapesofwrath]

Fuuuu...this hurts me SO much because my xMM told me also I was his soulmate, and he called me his wife. When we were out in public, he called me his wife to other people. I couldn't continue reading your story after that. It triggered me too badly

 

Cali: Wow. Your MM was a masterful compartmentalizer, and exquisitely insensitive. I'm sure he never thought of how those words would effect you.

 

When I ended it with xMM (or at least one of the previous attempts to end it) he referred to our relationship as "the shortest marriage in history.) I think he thought that would soften my heart, without thinking of how that would feel on the receiving end.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Each passing day, I am not keen on ever contacting his wife. However, I really need advise and guidance on how to cope with the stress.

 

I believe it's addiction that's difficult getting rid off. Having talked a lot each day, and suddenly a lot of time to just focus on yourself plus the mind keeps talking like a devil all the time, reminding all that sh**.

 

How to really move on? How to really grow as an individual? How to really learn the lesson? Each day is different, infact I have different emotions in a single day itself!

 

Is it normal? Feeling strong a moment and next completely stressed out?

[MrsBilliethekid]

Each passing day, I am not keen on ever contacting his wife. However, I really need advise and guidance on how to cope with the stress.

 

I believe it's addiction that's difficult getting rid off. Having talked a lot each day, and suddenly a lot of time to just focus on yourself plus the mind keeps talking like a devil all the time, reminding all that sh**.

 

How to really move on? How to really grow as an individual? How to really learn the lesson? Each day is different, infact I have different emotions in a single day itself!

 

Is it normal? Feeling strong a moment and next completely stressed out?

 

This is how I feel and I'm still in the affair. I imagine that for you the balance will start to change with the strong moments starting to outweigh the stressed out moments tiil the day arrives that you realise you haven't actually had a stressed out moment xx

[Girlfromcali]

Cali: Wow. Your MM was a masterful compartmentalizer, and exquisitely insensitive. I'm sure he never thought of how those words would effect you.

 

When I ended it with xMM (or at least one of the previous attempts to end it) he referred to our relationship as "the shortest marriage in history.) I think he thought that would soften my heart, without thinking of how that would feel on the receiving end.

 

A master compartmentalizer is what he is. He would like nothing more than have two wives. He still would have me as his side woman. I never let it continue that far where he'd have to make a decision between me and her. She knows about the A, and actually didn't really seem too surprised because they've only had each other and I guess that's why she gives him slack.

 

Of course it would destroy her eventually if I kept being the mistress stubbornly, and I won't do that. I don't want to be fighting over a man like that. I know everyone here says the wife would win the contest, but I can't imagine how he would do it. He would probably find a way to drop me but how he would do it, I would be interested in knowing. I just can't ever find out.

 

There is something weird about the whole thing, though. She didn't want to know anything about it and just continued as nothing had happened. There's something very strange about him because he doesn't lie but can compartmentalize better than anyone. Now I have learned that he actually does lie. Somebody here said that A makes a person a liar. It seems that way.

[Chuff]

I believe it's addiction that's difficult getting rid off. Having talked a lot each day, and suddenly a lot of time to just focus on yourself plus the mind keeps talking like a devil all the time, reminding all that sh**.

 

How to really move on? How to really grow as an individual? How to really learn the lesson? Each day is different, infact I have different emotions in a single day itself!

 

Is it normal? Feeling strong a moment and next completely stressed out?

 

It's like a death, and you need to grieve. My therapist told me to get a book on grieving so I'd understand the stages.

 

YES! It is normal. It's a crappy normal, but it's not a forever normal.

 

I know you've heard this before, and it doesn't feel like it now, but it WILL get better...over time. I guarantee it!!!

 

Just focus on getting through today and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. For me, it was forcing myself to get out of the house, even if it was for just 30 minutes.

[Girlfromcali]

Each passing day, I am not keen on ever contacting his wife. However, I really need advise and guidance on how to cope with the stress.

 

I believe it's addiction that's difficult getting rid off. Having talked a lot each day, and suddenly a lot of time to just focus on yourself plus the mind keeps talking like a devil all the time, reminding all that sh**.

 

How to really move on? How to really grow as an individual? How to really learn the lesson? Each day is different, infact I have different emotions in a single day itself!

 

Is it normal? Feeling strong a moment and next completely stressed out?

 

Yes it's normal. And the stages of grief are not nice, organized, and linear, either. It would be nice, but the stages go up and down and you have different emotions, anger, sadness, you feel you have accepted the loss, and here comes anger again! So, it can be very frustrating because you feel like you're stuck.

 

One day you feel you're moving forward and you feel such accomplishment and think finally this dark cloud is gone, and then something triggers the old feelings again and here we are crying again.

 

But you're moving forward and that's the main thing! If you let yourself grieve properly you can come out of it as a petter person.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

This is how I feel and I'm still in the affair. I imagine that for you the balance will start to change with the strong moments starting to outweigh the stressed out moments tiil the day arrives that you realise you haven't actually had a stressed out moment xx

 

I am just hanging in there and waiting for the days to come when I feel more in control of my emotions. Right now it’s a roller coaster!

 

Classic case in no one around knows what’s happening, and, I always put up a happy-normal face as was before the A.

 

Wish you the strength that you need right now! Hugs!!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

It's like a death, and you need to grieve. My therapist told me to get a book on grieving so I'd understand the stages.

 

YES! It is normal. It's a crappy normal, but it's not a forever normal.

 

I know you've heard this before, and it doesn't feel like it now, but it WILL get better...over time. I guarantee it!!!

 

Just focus on getting through today and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. For me, it was forcing myself to get out of the house, even if it was for just 30 minutes.

 

Funny thing is, I have been reading online the stages of grief, and, I so randomly just enter any of those stages, no pattern, and no sequence!

 

Right now, I don’t even know what stage I am in!

 

I have been trying to focus on my work, family, friends and their issues (:rolleyes: I am helping my friend son their issues)

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

Yes it's normal. And the stages of grief are not nice, organized, and linear, either. It would be nice, but the stages go up and down and you have different emotions, anger, sadness, you feel you have accepted the loss, and here comes anger again! So, it can be very frustrating because you feel like you're stuck.

 

One day you feel you're moving forward and you feel such accomplishment and think finally this dark cloud is gone, and then something triggers the old feelings again and here we are crying again.

 

But you're moving forward and that's the main thing! If you let yourself grieve properly you can come out of it as a petter person.

 

 

Ahh, you just described what's happening right now! No order to the stages! I have different and mixed feelings! That’s exactly how you said it is!

 

I feel OK a day and the next I am so miserable. I am focusing on really making some sense out of it, however, the moment I remind myself how I was treated in the affair I just loose it.

 

From a friends - soul mate- no body. How, I was told I was the best thing to have happened, but that best thing was a hideous secret. I was told I was his best buddy, yet no one had a clue about my existence in his life.

 

How, I always was excluded from the priorities. How easily I was told my messages will be deleted, no call log, no calls after he was home, only fairly flat texts when he was home, how I was out of his life on weekends! I don't even want to remember any of it, but the thoughts just come uninvited!

 

I feel so stupid that I allowed someone to treat me like this!

[Girlfromcali]

I can relate to everything you say..

 

I was just thinking yesterday how people talk about bread crumbs. Well, I got less than bread crumbs. I don't even know what would that be called, but it wasn't much.

[stilltrying16]

I'm sorry it's so hard at present, ttbtty. It might feel like you're tracking the same thoughts over and over, but you are not. Just look at the difference between your first few posts and now. You put an end to the affair. You're not trying to ignore tough questions; instead you are working through them. Sounds like you are also finding the time and the energy somehow to be a good friend to someone who needs you!

 

We're here for you. Stay strong. And keep posting.

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I can relate to everything you say..

 

I was just thinking yesterday how people talk about bread crumbs. Well, I got less than bread crumbs. I don't even know what would that be called, but it wasn't much.

 

I can feel it! I used to pity at myself at times, and even started thinking maybe this is what I deserve.

 

And, the worst was when I used to describe it to him (the way I just did), he used to say I don't understand him and his efforts! What efforts? The ones, he made to keep his life safe from any damage yet destroying my self-esteem?

 

I was told I should understand and should really appreciate his efforts!

 

I can't imagine I accepted when someone literally told me to be OK with nothing. I feel so used and unwanted!

 

I feel your pain about not getting anything, not even the bits of respect!

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I'm sorry it's so hard at present, ttbtty. It might feel like you're tracking the same thoughts over and over, but you are not. Just look at the difference between your first few posts and now. You put an end to the affair. You're not trying to ignore tough questions; instead you are working through them. Sounds like you are also finding the time and the energy somehow to be a good friend to someone who needs you!

 

We're here for you. Stay strong. And keep posting.

 

Thanks for being there

 

The only saving grace, right now, is you people! I am ready to face any hard truth, but, I just want to get over all this!

 

I wish there was a shift+delete button in life

[OneMoreBW]

I'm just another BW. My advice to you:MOVE ON! Forget about the BW. She didn't deserve to hear the sordid details about your A. You had the option to get involved with the MM, she had no say about it. She is the victim, not you.

 

Consider you a "lucky woman". In my case, the A began just like yours (working together, trips, "wife doesn't understand me" speech, soulmates, best friends, bla, bla, bla). They were involved for more than 4 yeas! (I trully don't understand how can someone leave in secrecy for such a long time, losing precious life time to build something worthwhile, getting the crumbs of somebody else, ....). My husband never had the guts to ask for divorce (our kids are grown, I don't depend financially on him, I'm not too old, I'm in good health, I'm not crazy, married for 25 years...), or even tell me about the A. So I believe the OW got feed up with the situation and decided to have a kid with him (to force him to leave his family believing their 'love' was so great and powerful). To make short a long story: 2 years have passed since "cheat hits the fan", the kid just completed 2yo (MM husband had 9 months + 1 month to tell me the true but waited that long). He told me because he was afraid of the OW give me the "news". Everybody at work knows, OW left the job and is raising the kid alone (H paying childcare, kids stay 10hours a day at child care). At the end: Two heartbroken women, a family almost destroyed, two sons very upset with their dad, MM's family very disappointed with him, a kid being raised without a real parental support, ...

 

MOVE ON.

 

Forget about the wife, leave her alone. If she doesn't know, it is not your job to let her know. She will know one day because the MM will attack another OW again and again. Then she will decide what to do. Don't get more involved in this ****. Any contact with her is just your way to revenge him for not leaving her. She doesn't need to know the sordid details of your A (how many thousands of text you two exchanged, trips, who payed what, gifts, poems, music, dates, pictures, ...). All this just add pain to her sorrow (my H OW send me emails with all these). Burn them ALL. Learn your lesson and move on. Don't look behind. Use these beautiful years you have ahead to find a single man and build a life & family with him. Even if a MM leaves his wife & family how can you garante if your are going to be happy with a cheating person, besides the MM knows already you are a person that set for low.

 

Try to be strong and do yourself a favor: NO CONTACT policy.

It's hard but day after day you will forget about him. Get closer to your family and friends. Do some volunteer work. Do something better of your life. Don't be addicted to anything: sex, man, love, attention can be addictions.

Respect yourself and think if your would feel pride on your present actions if you project them to the future.

 

I never contact my H OW. I feel pity for her but she was the one who choose to be where she is right now. We are the only ones responsible for our one actions.

 

Move on

[Truthtobetoldtoyou]

I'm just another BW. My advice to you:MOVE ON! Forget about the BW. She didn't deserve to hear the sordid details about your A. You had the option to get involved with the MM, she had no say about it. She is the victim, not you.

 

Consider you a "lucky woman". In my case, the A began just like yours (working together, trips, "wife doesn't understand me" speech, soulmates, best friends, bla, bla, bla). They were involved for more than 4 yeas! (I trully don't understand how can someone leave in secrecy for such a long time, losing precious life time to build something worthwhile, getting the crumbs of somebody else, ....). My husband never had the guts to ask for divorce (our kids are grown, I don't depend financially on him, I'm not too old, I'm in good health, I'm not crazy, married for 25 years...), or even tell me about the A. So I believe the OW got feed up with the situation and decided to have a kid with him (to force him to leave his family believing their 'love' was so great and powerful). To make short a long story: 2 years have passed since "cheat hits the fan", the kid just completed 2yo (MM husband had 9 months + 1 month to tell me the true but waited that long). He told me because he was afraid of the OW give me the "news". Everybody at work knows, OW left the job and is raising the kid alone (H paying childcare, kids stay 10hours a day at child care). At the end: Two heartbroken women, a family almost destroyed, two sons very upset with their dad, MM's family very disappointed with him, a kid being raised without a real parental support, ...

 

MOVE ON.

 

Forget about the wife, leave her alone. If she doesn't know, it is not your job to let her know. She will know one day because the MM will attack another OW again and again. Then she will decide what to do. Don't get more involved in this ****. Any contact with her is just your way to revenge him for not leaving her. She doesn't need to know the sordid details of your A (how many thousands of text you two exchanged, trips, who payed what, gifts, poems, music, dates, pictures, ...). All this just add pain to her sorrow (my H OW send me emails with all these). Burn them ALL. Learn your lesson and move on. Don't look behind. Use these beautiful years you have ahead to find a single man and build a life & family with him. Even if a MM leaves his wife & family how can you garante if your are going to be happy with a cheating person, besides the MM knows already you are a person that set for low.

 

Try to be strong and do yourself a favor: NO CONTACT policy.

It's hard but day after day you will forget about him. Get closer to your family and friends. Do some volunteer work. Do something better of your life. Don't be addicted to anything: sex, man, love, attention can be addictions.

Respect yourself and think if your would feel pride on your present actions if you project them to the future.

 

I never contact my H OW. I feel pity for her but she was the one who choose to be where she is right now. We are the only ones responsible for our one actions.

 

Move on

 

I will not justify anything here. And no revenge needed. I won't talk about my standards as well.

 

I ended, and, I blocked him everywhere. And I meant when I said NC.

 

That's all!