MM supposed to leave and move in this week... I'm anxious and uncertain

[Gemlove]

Hello all -

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. Found this site while searching for answers throughout this relationship.

 

Background:

MM and I have been together for about 2 and a half years now. We met on a "sugar baby" site (I know) - I was 28 at the time and need extra money and he was a doctor in a (cliche) loveless marriage.

 

Keep in mind, I am fairly successful and make a great salary - I did the sugar baby thing as kind of a way to just get a whole bunch of money because I was not at a point of wanting a relationship and the whole thing was fun at The time.

 

 

Since the beginning, MM became very emotionally invested in me. He said I love you within months, but held firm that he was staying with his wife, but he and I were "exclusive". They have three children - and I was OK with him staying with her and he was giving me a monthly allowance which I was able to put into savings as well as giving me authorized user cards for his credit cards.

 

After about a year and a half, I began to really want a future with him, but at the time it was just not in the cards for us - he would not commiT to leave his marriage. I started to date other men and joined a dating website.

 

Throughout our relationship we've taken several vacations together, he has met my family, and everyone in my life knows us as a couple. Nobody in his life knows I exist.

 

In October of last year, I asked him straight out - are we going to be together? And he was not sure. A week later, he said he was leaving her. After this I was so excited! But I told him to wait until after the holidays for the children.

 

November I found out I was pregnant and chose to abort. I knew I couldn't raise a child alone and I just wasn't sure how it would turn out with him.

 

I'm February he proposed and I told everyone. I was so happy but now I just am so scared it won't happen.

 

Fast forward to today. He was supposed to move in beginning of April, but things didn't work out that way. Now his twins birthday is this week so he is doing the birthday party today. He promises he will be moved in by the end of the week.

 

If he doesn't move In this week - I just don't know what I am going to do. I can't imagine having thestrength to leave, but I am about to turn 31 now and I am so lonely and so in love with him, but I can't live like this much longer.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Did he move in and did it work out? Did it end?

 

Sorry just needed to tell someone. No one in my life knows this.

[elaine567]

Fast forward to today. He was supposed to move in beginning of April, but things didn't work out that way. Now his twins birthday is this week so he is doing the birthday party today. He promises he will be moved in by the end of the week.

 

YOU really think he will desert his twins?

[Gemlove]

YOU really think he will desert his twins?

 

He will never desert his twins and I would never ask him to. But yes, he should leave his abusive relationship. Divorcing does not mean you desert your children.

[Ruffian1]

How old is he, how long married and how many kids and what are their ages?

[Gemlove]

How old is he, how long married and how many kids and what are their ages?

 

He is early 40s, children are 16 and 10.

[Gemlove]

He is early 40s, children are 16 and 10.

 

Married 20 years.

 

And when he moves in, I will be paying all of the bills - rent, etc until everything is settled.

Edited April 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

Hi Gemlove,

 

What stood out to me is that you said you're lonely and in love or more or less desperate to be with him. In my experience, those feelings don't ever make a good combination. Being in love makes you crazy and also loneliness makes you crazy and irrational as well. You sound really desperate for things to work out (which is understandable), but I would take some time to breathe and think and not get caught up.

 

What is the worst that can happen? Say MM does not leave his wife and move in? Then what? Play out that scenario for yourself as much as you need if it will help you to realize that, yes it will hurt and suck and be shiittty, but in the grand scheme of life, no relationship is guaranteed, we all go through disappointment and heartbreak and life really eventually moves on.

 

I don't really understand the plan you guys have to be honest. He has proposed while still married and no one knows you exist and he plans to leave his wife and come live with you? How exactly will this work realistically, esp since he has 3 kids? If at this point no one knows you exist....how will he go from "I'm leaving you wife..." to next day "Hi, I am living with my new fiance now, please bring the kids over"..... Do you mind talking through this with us? I'm asking because again, sometimes when you're in love and lonely, you can build castles in the sky. I've been the OW and the declarations of love were amazing, and MANY OW can tell you the same and MM may have ALL THE PLANS, may even propose (while married...) yet it's like they are high and on stupid and then sometimes when reality hits, if they actually try to leave and see the fallout or they get caught, things flip 180.

 

I do believe MM can leave their marriages and be with the OW. It clearly happens. But I do think that HOW they do it and when makes the difference and I think the plan of a man who has really thought it through often will seem more sane (and will often include him living ALONE and giving his kids and everyone a time to adjust before adding the OW to the mix publicly or living with her). Whereas the countless failed stories often include MM having elaborate, but nonsensical plans, usually including jumping from marital home to OW's house, some even loving with her shortly before moving back in with their wives. I would, for your own sanity, suggest that he NOT move in with you and live alone and get his family and kids settled and all finalized before moving in with you and making things public....if you want to be married his wife and kids will NEVER go away....she will always be their mom and he will be their dad and you will have to interact with them and maybe her to a lesser extent, so why not start things off on a foot where you're not despised? Slow your roll with the moving in and if MM still leaves and divorces and lives alone and you just date like a couple, then move in, even some months later after the D, I think you'll feel more secure and things have a much better chance of going well than if you're desperate for him to move in and you're engaged before he's even divorced and while he's still married and you're trying to essentially fearfully rush into things because part of you is scared he will leave or it will never work....that's not a secure foundation.

[elaine567]

He will never desert his twins and I would never ask him to. But yes, he should leave his abusive relationship. Divorcing does not mean you desert your children.

 

How do you know he is in an abusive relationship?

Do you have evidence of that abuse?

[ShatteredLady]

You've been through so much. Aborting your baby must of been horrific for you. I'm so sorry.

 

People are very dubious of this relationship because as another poster stated...statistically they don't leave!

 

It's time to set rules in your head. This situation is causing you more damage than I think even you realize at this time. So many women go on wasting years & years of their lives. If you truly want a future with this man HOLD HIM TO HIS PROMISES!! No more excuses. If he's not with you this time next week what are you going to do?

 

PLEASE be aware that you don't know his wife. You don't know the truth. If they do have a d-day he will be shocked & horrified by her reactions. She will fall apart. Very few MM can actually leave when the see the devastation they have caused. Not only will he have to live through that, he will have to sit down with his children & explain why Daddy is leaving.

 

Even if he is in the vast minority of MM who leave the chances of him going back when he realizes how it's effecting his family, his wife & children, are very high. Please don't get your hopes up. It will damage you even more.

 

There have been posters here in the past who have started as this kind of relationship. None, to my knowledge, have had a happily ever after.

 

You only get one life. Don't waste yours waiting & waiting. You're worth more than that.

[Doublegold]

Gem don't try explaining yourself to them. Only betrayed spouses/Martyrs to Marriage who stay for financial reasons (isn't it ironic) get the title of Saint in these here forums lol.

 

The rest of us get name called.

[Gemlove]

Hi Gemlove,

 

What stood out to me is that you said you're lonely and in love or more or less desperate to be with him. In my experience, those feelings don't ever make a good combination. Being in love makes you crazy and also loneliness makes you crazy and irrational as well. You sound really desperate for things to work out (which is understandable), but I would take some time to breathe and think and not get caught up.

 

What is the worst that can happen? Say MM does not leave his wife and move in? Then what? Play out that scenario for yourself as much as you need if it will help you to realize that, yes it will hurt and suck and be shiittty, but in the grand scheme of life, no relationship is guaranteed, we all go through disappointment and heartbreak and life really eventually moves on.

 

I don't really understand the plan you guys have to be honest. He has proposed while still married and no one knows you exist and he plans to leave his wife and come live with you? How exactly will this work realistically, esp since he has 3 kids? If at this point no one knows you exist....how will he go from "I'm leaving you wife..." to next day "Hi, I am living with my new fiance now, please bring the kids over"..... Do you mind talking through this with us? I'm asking because again, sometimes when you're in love and lonely, you can build castles in the sky. I've been the OW and the declarations of love were amazing, and MANY OW can tell you the same and MM may have ALL THE PLANS, may even propose (while married...) yet it's like they are high and on stupid and then sometimes when reality hits, if they actually try to leave and see the fallout or they get caught, things flip 180.

 

Firstly, thank you for your reply.

 

We understand that it will not be an immediate introduction and he will likely get an extended stay hotel for awhile when/if the children visit.

 

But this is the most frustrating thing to me - I try to speak realistically with him and plan everything out - but he just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I do believe MM can leave their marriages and be with the OW. It clearly happens. But I do think that HOW they do it and when makes the difference and I think the plan of a man who has really thought it through often will seem more sane (and will often include him living ALONE and giving his kids and everyone a time to adjust before adding the OW to the mix publicly or living with her). Whereas the countless failed stories often include MM having elaborate, but nonsensical plans, usually including jumping from marital home to OW's house, some even loving with her shortly before moving back in with their wives. I would, for your own sanity, suggest that he NOT move in with you and live alone and get his family and kids settled and all finalized before moving in with you and making things public....if you want to be married his wife and kids will NEVER go away....she will always be their mom and he will be their dad and you will have to interact with them and maybe her to a lesser extent, so why not start things off on a foot where you're not despised? Slow your roll with the moving in and if MM still leaves and divorces and lives alone and you just date like a couple, then move in, even some months later after the D, I think you'll feel more secure and things have a much better chance of going well than if you're desperate for him to move in and you're engaged before he's even divorced and while he's still married and you're trying to essentially fearfully rush into things because part of you is scared he will leave or it will never work....that's not a secure foundation.

 

I do know that I'm lonely - I had so many relationships in my life but kept chasing my career and never let myself love anyone.

 

I did the site I met him on right after my father passed and now I look back now that I am a bit more distanced from those emotions and realize that I did it because I was looking for a man who could take care of me in some way. I didn't even need money - I just needed to know someone was there just in case. Just in case of what, I'm not sure.

 

I'm sure I'll update this thread in a week or so heartbroken and hating myself.

[Gemlove]

How do you know he is in an abusive relationship?

Do you have evidence of that abuse?

 

Yes, because after an unbelievable story from him - I asked him to record it for me to prove it. And he did. And it was bad. But I'm not there in their relationship so who knows.

[Gemlove]

Gem don't try explaining yourself to them. Only betrayed spouses/Martyrs to Marriage who stay for financial reasons (isn't it ironic) get the title of Saint in these here forums lol.

 

The rest of us get name called.

 

thank you for this, you said it much more perfectly than I could

[ShatteredLady]

Do you want children of your own? Does he? Ugh! It's not very promising that he's planning on leaving in a weeks time but he won't discuss & make firm plans with you.

[MissBee]

I just saw that you will be paying all the bills when he moves in with you....I mean...I really don't think that is wise IMO. Like I said, MM do leave, maybe you can read around, but it usually seems to work out better for all when some secure plan is in place and usually when MM maintains some independence after leaving and allows things to settle and not where he rushes from one home to the ready-made home of another. I definitely understand that because you love him, you probably want to be a soft landing place for him, and I also think part of it is fear, so you feel like if you make it as easy as possible (he doesn't have to pay for anything, just bring his empty hands) that it will seem more enticing and he will then want to leave and it won't be any stress so he's more likely to do what you want. I get it. A lot of OW end up unfairly being in that position. Instead of realizing we are human beings and relationships are work and we are not required to be soft landing places of no stress, no demands, no nothing besides making MM not scared and happy and not stressed.....it's a very unfair position.

 

But, the irony is even after you do all that, it doesn't guarantee anything so it's better off. Anyway, in my experience on these boards and the stories of success rare are the successful cases where he leaves, immediately starts living with OW, she pays for everything, and what of the kids and the wife and how will this all be explained? In the stories here, off the top of my head, when that happens, usually the OW still feels like an OW even though "he left" because he lives with her then lies about it and pretends he doesn't, still tells NO ONE they are together and because they cannot bring their kids to their place of abode with OW, they go home and sleep at their marital house when it's time to be with their kids, and then OW drives herself crazy wondering if he and the wife are gonna reconcile. In one scenario here MM lived with OW but told his kids and wife that he lived in another town and was there for work or something like that....no one knew the OW existed even though he'd left for a while and basically when he wanted to see his kids he would go home and stay at the family home (because he cannot bring kids to OW's house where he lives, since remember, OW doesn't exit) and the OW would come here driving herself crazy posting about her fears of him and his wife, still feeling like an OW, and wondering if things would progress....

[Gemlove]

You've been through so much. Aborting your baby must of been horrific for you. I'm so sorry.

 

People are very dubious of this relationship because as another poster stated...statistically they don't leave!

 

It's time to set rules in your head. This situation is causing you more damage than I think even you realize at this time. So many women go on wasting years & years of their lives. If you truly want a future with this man HOLD HIM TO HIS PROMISES!! No more excuses. If he's not with you this time next week what are you going to do?

 

PLEASE be aware that you don't know his wife. You don't know the truth. If they do have a d-day he will be shocked & horrified by her reactions. She will fall apart. Very few MM can actually leave when the see the devastation they have caused. Not only will he have to live through that, he will have to sit down with his children & explain why Daddy is leaving.

 

Even if he is in the vast minority of MM who leave the chances of him going back when he realizes how it's effecting his family, his wife & children, are very high. Please don't get your hopes up. It will damage you even more.

 

There have been posters here in the past who have started as this kind of relationship. None, to my knowledge, have had a happily ever after.

 

You only get one life. Don't waste yours waiting & waiting. You're worth more than that.

Thank you for your reply.

 

It was and still is a bit devastating for me - I don't think he realizes how much so. But I just know it was the right decision for me at this time, as well as him and his family.

 

And I understand the chances it won't work out.

 

It kills me because I am really a smart woman!! I have my degrees, I have my career, great family and great life. But I do love him. i am hopeful it works out - but if not, my worst fear is that I will go nuts and try to tell his wife or something which is never what id want to do. But I do think about it.

 

I just pray my brain overcomes my heart if that happens.

[Gemlove]

I just saw that you will be paying all the bills when he moves in with you....I mean...I really don't think that is wise IMO. Like I said, MM do leave, maybe you can read around, but it usually seems to work out better for all when some secure plan is in place and usually when MM maintains some independence after leaving and allows things to settle and not where he rushes from one home to the ready-made home of another. I definitely understand that because you love him, you probably want to be a soft landing place for him, and I also think part of it is fear, so you feel like if you make it as easy as possible (he doesn't have to pay for anything, just bring his empty hands) that it will seem more enticing and he will then want to leave and it won't be any stress so he's more likely to do what you want. I get it. A lot of OW end up unfairly being in that position. Instead of realizing we are human beings and relationships are work and we are not required to be soft landing places of no stress, no demands, no nothing besides making MM not scared and happy and not stressed.....it's a very unfair position.

 

But, the irony is even after you do all that, it doesn't guarantee anything so it's better off. Anyway, in my experience on these boards and the stories of success rare are the successful cases where he leaves, immediately starts living with OW, she pays for everything, and what of the kids and the wife and how will this all be explained? In the stories here, off the top of my head, when that happens, usually the OW still feels like an OW even though "he left" because he lives with her then lies about it and pretends he doesn't, still tells NO ONE they are together and because they cannot bring their kids to their place of abode with OW, they go home and sleep at their marital house when it's time to be with their kids, and then OW drives herself crazy wondering if he and the wife are gonna reconcile. In one scenario here MM lived with OW but told his kids and wife that he lived in another town and was there for work or something like that....no one knew the OW existed even though he'd left for a while and basically when he wanted to see his kids he would go home and stay at the family home (because he cannot bring kids to OW's house where he lives, since remember, OW doesn't exit) and the OW would come here driving herself crazy posting about her fears of him and his wife, still feeling like an OW, and wondering if things would progress....

 

Well I already pay my rent and everything, I've been on my own for 13 years. that's all I mean. I won't be paying all of his personal bills. But I do understand what you're saying and it's true - I want to be that safe landing zone for him, make it easier for him.

 

Everything you're saying makes so much sense. And I've thought that through - I'll still be the other woman long after he leaves. I guess I came here hoping for a fairytale ending to give me hope.

[elaine567]

But this is the most frustrating thing to me - I try to speak realistically with him and plan everything out - but he just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

 

This is worrying, he is a doctor, so he is used to thinking things through logically and making plans.

The fact he doesn't want to discuss plans with you, I guess does not bode well here.

 

I also think that as a doctor, his status, his place in the community, his work will mean a lot to him, it is not impossible, nothing is impossible, but I think coldly walking out of the family home to move in with the OW, is not something he would want to do of his own volition.

Sorry!

[Gemlove]

Do you want children of your own? Does he? Ugh! It's not very promising that he's planning on leaving in a weeks time but he won't discuss & make firm plans with you.

 

No I do not want my own children, but if I change my mind he says he is OK with more. He loves children - he is a pediatrician.

[Girlfromcali]

Gem don't try explaining yourself to them. Only betrayed spouses/Martyrs to Marriage who stay for financial reasons (isn't it ironic) get the title of Saint in these here forums lol.

 

The rest of us get name called.

 

I wasn't name calling. Heck, I could go to sugar-daddy website too if things were different. I am not on any moral high horse here, but I wouldn't be upset to be called what I was nor would I pretend it was a normal relationship. (Btw, I have never been betrayed by H, we would never do that).

[Survivor12]

He is early 40s, children are 16 and 10.

 

I'm confused... You said he has twins.

[elaine567]

I'm confused... You said he has twins.

I am guessing the twins are either 16 or 10.

[MissBee]

Firstly, thank you for your reply.

 

We understand that it will not be an immediate introduction and he will likely get an extended stay hotel for awhile when/if the children visit.

 

But this is the most frustrating thing to me - I try to speak realistically with him and plan everything out - but he just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

 

I do know that I'm lonely - I had so many relationships in my life but kept chasing my career and never let myself love anyone.

 

I did the site I met him on right after my father passed and now I look back now that I am a bit more distanced from those emotions and realize that I did it because I was looking for a man who could take care of me in some way. I didn't even need money - I just needed to know someone was there just in case. Just in case of what, I'm not sure.

 

I'm sure I'll update this thread in a week or so heartbroken and hating myself.

 

I'm really sorry for how you're feeling. I can definitely empathize.

 

To the bold: this isn't a good sign. In my own A, I was the realistic one and he wasn't. He would often literally make these plans like, for example, me coming to live at his house or all kinds of things that made NO SENSE . And when I tried to hit him with reality he got upset and annoyed with me. Now, I realize that the fantasy of our relationship was far more enjoyable than the regular reality of it. Reality was hard and not fun so when I actually tried to concretize his daydreams, instead of him joining me with a real plan, he simply got upset or brushed it off. That's not the sign of a man interested in real plans, that's one who doesn't want his bubble burst. So I'd really be careful of that.

 

Have you tried therapy? For me, I've found having another party to talk to about my feelings, my relationship patterns, loneliness etc helped a lot with shedding light on things and helping me to make sense of things.

 

I totally get just needing someone there. It's not wrong to feel that way, but sometimes feeling that way makes you settle for much less than you deserve. I don't know how you dealt with the abortion and all, how has MM responded to that? In any event, it just looks to me anyway, that there is so much fear, hurt, and uncertainty involved in this relationship and I'd have to ask myself if it is REALLY worth it? No one says you should look for fairytales, but I realize having a man who you can implicitly trust, rely on, be true partners and equals with, who loves you OPENLY and honestly, and will be glad to have a baby with you is not an unrealistic dream...it's perfectly normal and happens daily....it's certainly no less realistic than trying to patch together a life with a MM where you dunno heads from tails and who is actively avoiding reality.

[Gemlove]

I'm confused... You said he has twins.

 

Twins are 10

[elaine567]

To the bold: this isn't a good sign. In my own A, I was the realistic one and he wasn't. He would often literally make these plans like, for example, me coming to live at his house or all kinds of things that made NO SENSE . And when I tried to hit him with reality he got upset and annoyed with me. Now, I realize that the fantasy of our relationship was far more enjoyable than the regular reality of it. Reality was hard and not fun so when I actually tried to concretize his daydreams, instead of him joining me with a real plan, he simply got upset or brushed it off. That's not the sign of a man interested in real plans, that's one who doesn't want his bubble burst. So I'd really be careful of that.

 

 

^^^ this^^^