MM supposed to leave and move in this week... I'm anxious and uncertain

[ShatteredLady]

It's Sunday now. Has he left? Where is he living? What has he said?

 

This is the testing time really. Listen very closely, VERY closely to what he says & what he does....

[Gemlove]

Hi whichwayisup! Yes, this has been discussed and we agreed to at least one year separation before I am introduced and I am totally on board with that. They are hid children as much as they are hers - he is going to get a burner apartment for the children's sake.

 

It's Sunday now. Has he left? Where is he living? What has he said?

 

This is the testing time really. Listen very closely, VERY closely to what he says & what he does....

 

Hey Shatteredlady!

I was just about to respond to your earlier posts in this thread. Thank you for the condolences and understanding. I know you've been in this position and understand how hard it is.

 

He did move in Friday - so we are Day 3 at this time. He worked all day today and took his children to their sports games yesterday, all went well with the hand off of the children yesterday. She has been doing the text war thing, but nothing too concerning at this time. If it gets to that, he will call the police to intervene.

[Gemlove]

How old are his twins?

Do you expect his wife to allow their children to be around you? I hope you don't expect that because it's going to be a long long time before that happens.

 

It's your life and time will tell if this works out or not but ending a marriage and leaving, then moving in with you and starting a new life RIGHT AWAY is not going to be easy. He still has to grieve the loss of the life he built with his wife, the family unit as one, let alone deal with his children's pain and all the changes and adjustments that will happen in the upcoming year.

 

Are you sure for everybody's sake him finding a place on his own would be better and healthier? He'll still have to see and deal with his (ex) wife, their finances and again their kids. Are you prepared for the many months of a bumpy ride?

 

Hi whichwayisup! Yes, this has been discussed and we agreed to at least one year separation before I am introduced and I am totally on board with that. They are his children as much as they are hers - he is going to get a burner apartment for the children's sake.

 

I am not sure which side you come from - but as for his feelings, it is that the children can no longer see his marriage as something normal and need to realize they deserve better. not saying I am better - I am fully aware we may not make it all the way, but at least he can be free of that. And if anything, I'm glad I could show him love without pain.

[lemondrop21]

Does she rage at, or otherwise abuse, the children as well? Just curious. A child in that situation could perceive the father leaving as serious abandonment. Has he thought about pursuing full custody?

[Gemlove]

Does she rage at, or otherwise abuse, the children as well? Just curious. A child in that situation could perceive the father leaving as serious abandonment. Has he thought about pursuing full custody?

 

 

 

Hey lemondrop -

 

He says she is a great mother - a tiger mom for sure, but not abusive. I trust his judgement with this and wouldn't want to push either way.

[Gemlove]

Have you considered telling them the truth? I know sometimes our first instincts is to lie, lie, lie. But once you are reeling from the pain of this relationship, because I like others here, do not think he is leaving, it is only deep soul searching and changes within that will result in turning your life around. What is so awful about the truth? Don't be cowardly. Face your action! Become a personal of integrity as you remove infidelity from your life.

 

 

Included in that "becoming a person of integrity" would include: returning to this man's wife 50% of the money he gave you, which you apparently have in a savings account? Half of that is legally hers. She could sue you for it. Personally Id return it with a letter advising in brief terms you have been in a affair with her husband for x years.

 

 

Lets say the red sea parts and this guy moves in with you in 4 days (having made no concrete plans or given any heads up to his wife or kids) Have you thought about the ramifications of being the other woman in what will surely be a contentious divorce? You will be deposed, she likely will out you to all your friends and family, his children may never speak to you, and she may sue you for the return of her money.

 

 

What Im getting at -- this is not going to end well for you I'm afraid. Most likely scenario is he will string you on as long as possible...until you get fed up and end it, or until he has a D-Day and he ends it with you. Best case scenario, though highly unlikely, he does leave and you face the difficulties set forth in the above paragraph. The romance will loose its luster, instead of being a fantasy world of sex, flattery and fun vacations, it will be strife with conflict over the divorce, finances, his children, his pediatrician practice (which surely will take a hit when he is found to have left for a woman from sugardaddy.com). Things will get tough and maybe he will return to his go-to coping mechanism and cheat again. How could you ever trust him?

 

 

So what I'm suggesting is 1) HONEST therapy; 2) HONESTY with your close friends/family about your choices; 3) END IT with the MM and walk away; 4) Return the money to his wife, or if you just cannot do that, donate it to charity

 

 

I truly feel taking some actual steps, and ensuring yourself some actual consequences, will help make you become a happier person who isnt making toxic choices and leaving a trial in your of pain and destruction in your wake, but instead leaving an emotionally healthy and satisfying life.

 

Hey somethingtosay!

 

Your post really resonated with me - because I truly believe in "the truth will set you free" philosophy. But I've found myself in a situation that I'm both ashamed of, yet feel like he is my answer to everything in life. I love him so much.

 

As for the money, it will be deducted from his portion of any marital funds division in divorce. It is extremely traceable (PayPal, credit cards, rarely cash) so she will receive her portion of the money he gave me.

 

He did leave on Friday, so we are three days in now. We are taking it one day at a time - he has made his promises, but I remain on defense.

 

I definitely agree in your thinking, if it does not work out to my fairytale ending, I will be graceful in moving on and may have to face the truth with those I painted the perfect picture too. It will be hard, but I may have to do that.

[whichwayisup]

Hi whichwayisup! Yes, this has been discussed and we agreed to at least one year separation before I am introduced and I am totally on board with that. They are his children as much as they are hers - he is going to get a burner apartment for the children's sake.

 

I am not sure which side you come from - but as for his feelings, it is that the children can no longer see his marriage as something normal and need to realize they deserve better. not saying I am better - I am fully aware we may not make it all the way, but at least he can be free of that. And if anything, I'm glad I could show him love without pain.

 

As long as you know your roll as step mom and don't try to replace their mom or discredit her abilities as their mom. No matter what they love her and sure they may accept you as dad's gf in time.

[Gemlove]

As long as you know your roll as step mom and don't try to replace their mom or discredit her abilities as their mom. No matter what they love her and sure they may accept you as dad's gf in time.

 

Oh absolutely - I completely respect her as their one and only mother. I come from a family of many step parents and OW/OM being part of the family, so I do fear my expectations of exceptance may be out of bounds.

 

For example, my father's mistress was a part of our family, and all of our holidays, while my parents stayed "happily married". My mothers lover didn't come to be known until his blackmail became too much 3 years after my pops passed - he ended up serving 3 years for that.

[sandylee1]

Just a generic reply to all of those who questioned why he would not just leave an abusivr relationship.

 

Would you question a woman the same way?

 

It is hard to leave any relationship, especially those you have fear of the impending retaliation you are bound to face.

 

He is not lying about his situation - he has shown me secret recordings of 17 rages from things ranging from a missing sock to him not cleaning the house (she is a SAHM, he works about 85 hours a week on average). At one point she took away his car keys for two weeks and drove him to and from work.

 

He found me because he was seeking love and validation and thought the only way he could get that was through paying for it. And yes, I accepted his money but we are no longer in that type of arrangement - I really love this man

 

Yes ... I would question a woman as well ...abuse isn't gender biased .... but I know many woman feel financially they can't leave.. that's not the case for him though.

 

I've known women get puched about and still stay .... because they are not financially independent....which is why I strongly recommend women do not depend on men for money.

 

Anyway ... He's with you now and you can proceed with the wedding plans in preparation for when the divorce comes through.

 

Just be prepared for her to contest it.. which could drag everything out and delay your plans with him.

 

I hate to say this but also be aware many MM yoyo between the OW and wife for a while.

[getsmartie]

Oh absolutely - I completely respect her as their one and only mother. I come from a family of many step parents and OW/OM being part of the family, so I do fear my expectations of exceptance may be out of bounds.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm totally offended as a former BS.

 

The fact that you "completely respect her as the one and only mother"....why didn't you initially completely respect as the one and only wife?

[ladydesigner]

My point is that something is at the root cause of her alleged abuse

 

Everyone is in control of their lives and an educated very clever man being abused...especially with his medical knowledge sounds fishy to me.

 

The number of MM who claim their wives are abusive is way too high to be believed IMO. It's like the MW who claim their husbands are violent ....yet they enter affairs at the risk of these violent men going apes**t if they find out.

 

If she was truly that abusive...he could use those recordings as evidence in gaining custody and even record more of her abuse. If he could do it to show the OP ... why not use it where it really matters? He's a respectable doctor....... people would believe him surely.

 

Agreed it's like the OW come here saying the same thing over and over again. I can see how this would get them to understand and feel sorry for the MM. But I think these stories of abuse are laughable.

[ladydesigner]

Just a generic reply to all of those who questioned why he would not just leave an abusivr relationship.

 

Would you question a woman the same way?

 

It is hard to leave any relationship, especially those you have fear of the impending retaliation you are bound to face.

 

He is not lying about his situation - he has shown me secret recordings of 17 rages from things ranging from a missing sock to him not cleaning the house (she is a SAHM, he works about 85 hours a week on average). At one point she took away his car keys for two weeks and drove him to and from work.

 

He found me because he was seeking love and validation and thought the only way he could get that was through paying for it. And yes, I accepted his money but we are no longer in that type of arrangement - I really love this man

 

Ok just read this and it does sound like her rages are unwarranted. I do wonder what he has put her through though. I reacted in rage towards my WH's mental abuse.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm totally offended as a former BS.

 

The fact that you "completely respect her as the one and only mother"....why didn't you initially completely respect as the one and only wife?

 

Well, the frank and honest reality there being that the affection that the person has for their AP eclipses the affection/concern for that AP's spouse. In the affair, the role of the AP's spouse is really quite ancillary to the affair relationship. Harsh, but true.

 

However, since their affair dynamic has changed to a non-affair relationship, that puts her to be the children's stepmother and part-time parent to the children. Sooner or later, that means she will have to be dealt with, so taking her into consideration at this point is kind of what has to be done.

[getsmartie]

Well, the frank and honest reality there being that the affection that the person has for their AP eclipses the affection/concern for that AP's spouse. In the affair, the role of the AP's spouse is really quite ancillary to the affair relationship. Harsh, but true.

 

However, since their affair dynamic has changed to a non-affair relationship, that puts her to be the children's stepmother and part-time parent to the children. Sooner or later, that means she will have to be dealt with, so taking her into consideration at this point is kind of what has to be done.

 

Yes of course I am very aware that I didn't quite play the story out till the end, that being said, i still find that sentence offensive.

 

Carry on though...I realize this is about the kids....but just ssy'n!

[sandylee1]

Ok just read this and it does sound like her rages are unwarranted. I do wonder what he has put her through though. I reacted in rage towards my WH's mental abuse.

 

Anyone who rages to that degree must be mental... that is not normal behavior and as a medical professional...he must be well aware of this.

 

Something must have made her turn into this raving lunatic who ONLY rages at her husband.

 

She must spend her whole time raging..I'm suprised the kids haven't become aware of it.... and why would she take car keys away from a grown man? Is it a case of keeping tabs on him after discovering something? Control?

 

Why on earth would he not question EXACTLY WHY she did this? Would he not think she needs to see a psychiatrist by exhibiting this behaviour?

 

Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?

[Lady Hamilton]

Agreed it's like the OW come here saying the same thing over and over again. I can see how this would get them to understand and feel sorry for the MM. But I think these stories of abuse are laughable.

 

While I know you're not saying female-on-male abuse doesn't exist, I think it does exist more than people are comfortable acknowledging.

 

My husband's wife was very abusive to him, though he never really talks about it. I know of a few incidents he told me about, I saw several incidents before my husband and I were even friends, much less APs, but I'm sure I don't know the full scope of it all.

 

Actually, some of what he went through is trickling out now... I believe it's called triggering? My husband is seeing behavior that's causing him to I guess trigger and he's sharing more about it than he did previously. There was a lot there that must have been awful for him to deal with.

 

That said, her abuse was a barrier to him having an affair and leaving, not an excuse for it. It was something he kept going back to as a reason why he was struggling with things and not why he did.

 

I'm not saying this is the case for all, but it was for us.

 

At the time, it was certainly in my mind too. There were days I was scared when he didn't text or call if it was because she went around the bend, got out a knife, and went for him.

 

If it weren't for her behavior, our transition from friends to EA to PA would have most likely happened faster. I know his leaving and subsequent divorce would have.

[Lady Hamilton]

Anyone who rages to that degree must be mental... that is not normal behavior and as a medical professional...he must be well aware of this.

 

Something must have made her turn into this raving lunatic who ONLY rages at her husband.

 

She must spend her whole time raging..I'm suprised the kids haven't become aware of it.... and why would she take car keys away from a grown man? Is it a case of keeping tabs on him after discovering something? Control?

 

Why on earth would he not question EXACTLY WHY she did this? Would he not think she needs to see a psychiatrist by exhibiting this behaviour?

 

Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?

 

Strange, yes.

 

Par for the course when it comes to abuse? Sure.

 

One of the most abused women I ever knew was beaten almost to death by her perfect husband who we never saw raise his voice, much less his fist.

 

When we found out she was beaten to a point of brain damage with a watering can by her loving husband, we were stunned.

 

The most dangerous, and prolific, abusers are the ones that nobody would ever believe are as awful as they are.

[ladydesigner]

Anyone who rages to that degree must be mental... that is not normal behavior and as a medical professional...he must be well aware of this.

 

Something must have made her turn into this raving lunatic who ONLY rages at her husband.

 

She must spend her whole time raging..I'm suprised the kids haven't become aware of it.... and why would she take car keys away from a grown man? Is it a case of keeping tabs on him after discovering something? Control?

 

Why on earth would he not question EXACTLY WHY she did this? Would he not think she needs to see a psychiatrist by exhibiting this behaviour?

 

Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?

 

I agree she needs to see a medical professional to help her with her emotions being all over the place. My WH called me abusive too but he was acting in ways that would make any woman want to scream at him. It seems many of the stories here involves an abusive BS. I think those are about as few and far between as the Narcissistic MM. I just don't believe it is happening as often as portrayed on these forums.

[ladydesigner]

While I know you're not saying female-on-male abuse doesn't exist, I think it does exist more than people are comfortable acknowledging.

 

My husband's wife was very abusive to him, though he never really talks about it. I know of a few incidents he told me about, I saw several incidents before my husband and I were even friends, much less APs, but I'm sure I don't know the full scope of it all.

 

Actually, some of what he went through is trickling out now... I believe it's called triggering? My husband is seeing behavior that's causing him to I guess trigger and he's sharing more about it than he did previously. There was a lot there that must have been awful for him to deal with.

 

That said, her abuse was a barrier to him having an affair and leaving, not an excuse for it. It was something he kept going back to as a reason why he was struggling with things and not why he did.

 

I'm not saying this is the case for all, but it was for us.

 

At the time, it was certainly in my mind too. There were days I was scared when he didn't text or call if it was because she went around the bend, got out a knife, and went for him.

 

If it weren't for her behavior, our transition from friends to EA to PA would have most likely happened faster. I know his leaving and subsequent divorce would have.

 

I know it exists I was in a physically abusive relationship before i met my WH. It just seems a lot of stories here involves an abusive BS.

[Lady Hamilton]

I know. I'm sure some throw it out as an excuse, but surely some of it has to be real. I know in our case it was real, but it wasn't the reason.

[minimariah]

He says she is a great mother - a tiger mom for sure, but not abusive.

 

this sounds... odd.

 

abusive spouse is almost always also na abusive parent - maybe in more subtle ways but the abuse is present in almost every close relationship the abuser has. be careful. children are grown, ages 10 & 16. they'll be 11 & 17 when you meet them so extensive coparenting won't really be necessary. you'll most likely develop some kind of friendship with the kids rather than a strict parent - child relationship. be prepared for her to use those kids against YOU. if she deals with the situation in a good way... awesome. but you probably have a really tough period waiting for you in the future, be aware of that. strong support system, don't hesitate to seek some professional help, all of that. you need every possible help you can get right now.

[anika99]

Hey lemondrop -

 

He says she is a great mother - a tiger mom for sure, but not abusive. I trust his judgement with this and wouldn't want to push either way.

 

It sounds like she may really be a personality disordered abuser and frankly there is no way that is not going to damage his children. I hope he is doing everything he can to ensure that he gets at least 50% custody.

 

Also many people who are in abusive relationships are addicted to them. When it's bad they just want it to stop but once they escape they start longing for the drama and the passion again. You should check out Baggage reclaim as there is some good stuff on there at to why it's never a good idea to play rescuer when it comes to romantic relationships.

[sandylee1]

Strange, yes.

 

Par for the course when it comes to abuse? Sure.

 

One of the most abused women I ever knew was beaten almost to death by her perfect husband who we never saw raise his voice, much less his fist.

 

When we found out she was beaten to a point of brain damage with a watering can by her loving husband, we were stunned.

 

The most dangerous, and prolific, abusers are the ones that nobody would ever believe are as awful as they are.

 

Something made her take the keys away.... that sounds more like a wife wanting to make sure her husband doesn't go anywhere else. Why else would she give herself the hassle of dropping and picking him while she has 9/10 year old kids to oversee.

 

Let's take it that she is a raging lunatic... a specific event or incident caused her to take his keys ... but we'll never know what that is.

 

He has the advantage of medical knowledge to realise her behaviour was out of control...... I know abusers can pretend that they are so very sweet but her behaviour only towards him could be very dangerous and have led to violence... I'd have thought he would have spotted this with his background.

 

Having said that... if he has lived with her abuse and she is so awful....then it's great that he's finally away from her and can pursue true happiness. She deserves to be on her own and now she can rage at the invisible man or perhaps finally seek psychiatric help for her unstable behaviour. Maybe she has a mental health condition that she has hidden or maybe she saw her mother treat her dad this way.... and the cycle is repeating. I've heard some women confess to this.

 

I really wish anyone being abused would get away from their abusers ..... abusers should all be on their own.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm sure an incident caused her to take the keys, but that doesn't mean that the incident, or the reaction to it, is a rational one.

 

Even if it was she doesn't trust him and thinks he's having an affair, as it seems like you're implying, the realistic, normal, and constructive response isn't to take the keys and control his comings and goings.

 

And I understand that he's educated and a doctor, therefore he should have seen that she was fruity... People aren't victims of abuse because they're not smart enough to identify an abuser. What one knows, what one acknowledges, what one is willing to put up with, and what resources one has to do something about it is what determines these things.

 

In my husband's case, he identified her abusive behavior fairly early, but he didn't think it would escalate. He thought the incidents were isolated and triggered by something and "he's a man." What men are afraid of the actions of a woman? Even when she got abusive, she couldn't "hurt him."

 

By the time it escalated, he was married, a child was on the way, and he felt if he left, she'd have a mental break. When it escalated beyond control, he wanted out but didn't even begin to know what to do about it.

[Sub]

Gemlove, what was the rationale for him moving in right away after leaving his house and not being on his own for a while? I'd be concerned that he's avoiding dealing with some of his own issues, glazing over them by hopping right into a new dynamic that will have it's own complications. Two people moving in together is a big deal in and of itself. Add all the variables that are in play here, and the climb seems a lot steeper. Not to say that there wasn't abuse, but what kind of adult allows another to take their keys and not let them drive for a week? Seems he has a lot to work out on his own, and I'd be a little worried that it's a lot for you to bring into your home right away.