MM supposed to leave and move in this week... I'm anxious and uncertain

[sandylee1]

You've obviously never been in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is about control and abusers are great manipulators, you're right that they don't become abusers overnight, it's a process of control, isolation and phsycological manipulation.

Don't blame the victim for the abuse, that's classic abuser tactic, you cannot 'make' someone abusive, they do so of their own free will.

 

 

My point is that something is at the root cause of her alleged abuse

 

Everyone is in control of their lives and an educated very clever man being abused...especially with his medical knowledge sounds fishy to me.

 

The number of MM who claim their wives are abusive is way too high to be believed IMO. It's like the MW who claim their husbands are violent ....yet they enter affairs at the risk of these violent men going apes**t if they find out.

 

If she was truly that abusive...he could use those recordings as evidence in gaining custody and even record more of her abuse. If he could do it to show the OP ... why not use it where it really matters? He's a respectable doctor....... people would believe him surely.

[SomethingToSay]

I agree with SandyLee. It seems odd to me a successful pediatrician would tolerate an abusive wife. I have no doubt she screamed and yelled and he recorded it, and maybe she is verbally abusive at times. But i just dont see a pediatrician allowing his e children to be exposed to abuse in the home for years and years.

 

Also have you considered that in many states, residing with a girlfriend/boyfriend when not married or engaged can be quick grounds to get custody ripped. Many judges would award at least temporary custody to the wife if her husband moved immediately in with his OW. And the hotel scenario is absurd. His kids are old enough to know whats up.

[S2B]

Isn't the affair this MM is having on his wife - behind her back...a form of abuse? I would say yes - he's just sneaky about abusing her by thinking its a secret being kept from her.

 

Bottom line is - he's selfish and self centered...probably conflict avoidant too.

[Lady Hamilton]

My husband's ex-wife was abusive. Verbally, emotionally, physically, the whole shebang. It's far harder to leave those marriages (with or without an AP) than you'd think.

 

If I were to guess, there could be two reasons for his lack of planning:

 

1. He just wants to get out and figures the rest will sort itself out after the biggest hurdle (leaving) is jumped

 

2. He's not serious about leaving

 

Either way, I'd prepare for quite the battle. If she's abusive and he does leave, he may bounce back-and-forth several times. If he's not serious, her abusive behavior may be the reason he cites he can't leave.

 

I think the best solution here is, if he doesn't leave, sit him down and have a very real discussion about what his plans are and where the relationship is going.

 

If he gets frustrated, call him out on it. At this point, you're engaged so you have a right to be asking questions about things that pertain to a future he's promised in a venue other than your bedroom.

 

One of the biggest problems in these relationships is that everybody feels that they have true love, but it seems the fear of losing the relationship makes people totally non-confrontational. You can't be happy waiting for him to tell you how your life is going to go for fear of saying something to make him leave. Affair or not, that's not a functional relationship.

[Doublegold]

"Isn't the affair this MM is having on his wife - behind her back...a form of abuse? I would say yes - he's just sneaky about abusing her by thinking its a secret being kept from her.

Bottom line is - he's selfish and self centered...probably conflict avoidant too."

Quote:

"My point is that something is at the root cause of her alleged abuse.

Everyone is in control of their lives and an educated very clever man being abused...especially with his medical knowledge sounds fishy to me."

 

 

Women don't get a free pass as far as being abusive. Men can and have been abused. There are women who hit and hurt men. Period.

Edited April 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Duplicate post deleted and off-topic content redacted

[Arieswoman]

Gemlove,

Any update on the situation?

 

Any contact or clarification from MM ?

[sandylee1]

"Isn't the affair this MM is having on his wife - behind her back...a form of abuse? I would say yes - he's just sneaky about abusing her by thinking its a secret being kept from her.

Bottom line is - he's selfish and self centered...probably conflict avoidant too."

Quote:

"My point is that something is at the root cause of her alleged abuse.

Everyone is in control of their lives and an educated very clever man being abused...especially with his medical knowledge sounds fishy to me."

 

 

Women don't get a free pass as far as being abusive. Men can and have been abused. There are women who hit and hurt men. Period.

 

Nobody gets a free pass on being abusive..... that's not what is being said at all.

 

What you have here is financial abuse from him by spending marital assets on his sugar baby and by having an affair..... but people in affairs become myopic as far as their AP is concerned.

[Lady Hamilton]

Eh... Financial abuse is a bit of a leap. Assuming he is spending what would have been marital funds on her, to call it abusive is perhaps not the best way to describe what's going on, especially when comparing it to actual abuse that may be occurring there.

 

If he were spending so much on her that he was losing his house, his car, and people didn't know how they were going to eat, sure, that's abuse. But he's clearly not going broke because he's spending lots of money on her and, when and if he leaves, his finances are out-of-play when it comes to budgeting his life away from his wife as she still has first dibs on his income.

 

I don't think that constitutes abuse by him on his wife.

[Arieswoman]

Has the OP disappeared?

 

Unless we know what the current situation is, it is unfair to expect LSers to make informed comments

[S2B]

Him not wanting to talk about it would be a huge red flag for me. While seeing any man - I would expect that I should be open and allowed to discuss such a big thing - anything really.

 

If he was planning to move in the next 2-3 days I'd be thinking he would let you know. I'd be expecting him to be preparing by packing and getting ready.

 

Expectations are what will always blow up any relationship. When expectations don't match what the other person delivers there is always disappointment.

 

Best case would be he divorces her first. Then talks to you about moving in or marriage - but this guy seems to have things out of order.

 

When he proposed did he give you a ring and set a date? How could he possibly think he could do this when he still very much married? Did you ask him?

[wmacbride]

op,

 

a couple of points jump out about your situation.

 

The first one is that i would be very leery of anything this man says, as some thins in his story just don't add up.

 

For example, his 'proof' of abuse being a recording? One recording, taken completely out of context. Did she yell at him? Call him names? Is this a usual occurrence or did he pick a fight with her and so he can have his "gotcha' moment?

 

It's also fishy that a pediatrician of all people would keep his children in a toxic environment, and continue to look for excuses to do so. Of things are as bad as he says, why is he not jumping at the opportunity to get out?

 

It's even fishier that he plans to come and live with you, yet he will not give you any details about it. That's just so wrong. he will be moving into your space, yet doesn't feel he needs to let you in on his ans for it?

 

I could be way off, but it really sounds as if he , to use a term that is popular here, future faking. It's easy to make plans when there is little to no chance you will ever have to keep them.

 

If you really want to find out what is going on, cal him at home. Call his wife at home. Ask him to meet some of his friends and fmaily. It si your life and you have every right to know the information you need to plan it.

 

Finally, look at where you met him. You met him on a site where he would be the one with the power in an unbalanced relationship. It sounds like he is keeping that dynamic going.

[S2B]

I don't think he plans to move or leave. if he did he'd really, really want to talk about it. He'd be making certain he had his soft landing (for free at that). The fact that he's not means he's not moving.

[Lady Hamilton]

I will have to come up with some grand story to tell my friends and family what happened, because they do not know he is married.

 

"We broke up because he wasn't as ready to commit as I thought he was. I don't really want to get into it."

[SomethingToSay]

Or

 

"I made a tremendous mistake getting involved with a married man. It was not fair to me and I could cause devastating pain to myself and others so I ended it"

 

Integrity and character and change is born from accepting consequences and facing them

[imperfectangel]

Hoping OP comes back with a update soon

[Lady Hamilton]

Or

 

"I made a tremendous mistake getting involved with a married man. It was not fair to me and I could cause devastating pain to myself and others so I ended it"

 

Integrity and character and change is born from accepting consequences and facing them

 

That's up to her.

 

Personally, I don't think making the dark corners of your soul public knowledge does anything to prove, create, or establish integrity, character, and change. People with great character and integrity know when to be quiet and when to invite the public into the laundry room to view what's dirty.

 

She can deal with it privately and on her own (as she has been doing), or she can wail on a wall, confess everything, and hand her friends the rope to whip her with. Just because the latter makes for a more interesting piece of gossip doesn't mean it's necessary, character building, or instills in her some sort of public integrity.

[sandylee1]

Even IF they got married... it's naive to think his marital status would be a secret to those closest to the OP. Ex wives don't disappear like Harry Houdinu. The truth would come out.

[Lady Hamilton]

It may, it may not. You'd be surprised.

 

Either way, it's her choice if she wants to share it, but if she wants to share it she should do it for the right reasons. Clearing her conscious isn't the right reason. Not only will it not help, it just reinforces the need to be in the fray as opposed to simply moving on.

[Gemlove]

Hello all - I'm back. I apologize for the delay I was traveling for work in Vegas this week and trying to distance myself a bit from my real life.

 

First off - thank you to everyone who has replied and was supportive and/or just trying to knock some sense into me.

 

So the update...

 

He moved in Friday evening after work - pretty much at my absolute end date. Due to the state of his marriage, it was best he did it without confrontation - we had done a lot of research into this, and due to past experience he went to work that day and afterwards called her and told her he needs a separation and wouldn't be coming home. He had spent the week slowly moving in all of his clothes and personal gadgets.

 

So far, it is what to be expected, and I'm still not 100% confident this is forever. We are basically in a one day at a time situation.

 

A lot of the BPD behaviors we expected have happened - the threats, etc. To those who question this type of abuse , we've found great resources from Dr Tara at shrink4men . Com - the site and it's forums are truly eye opening and helped him get out of his fog.

 

I'm going to spend some time going through all of these replies and responding individually - it really is appreciated thank you so much.

[Gemlove]

You got some growing up to do.

You're on site looking for a sugar daddy but tell us your doing OK financially. What's wrong with Match or Tinder?

 

I work closely with the MD field, and trust me for a Peeds MD, after alamony and child support his wallet is not going to look pretty. I'm betting, he sat Down crunched the numbers.

 

OP take a step back. Focus on you. You just went through a dramatic experience. Counseling might help. So will Fam and friends.

 

Hey Buddy - thanks for your reply.

 

At the time, Tinder wasn't really a thing and I was tired of looking for actual love on dating sites.

 

I wasn't ready for love - I was a bit of a mess. So listening to Janis Joplin one night (get it while you can, to be specific) and I had just read an article on this website. I said eff it - why not. I felt young and beautiful.

 

In a way I was looking to have a man who just wanted to take care of me, and when I did your typical dating sites - for whatever reason I wasn't enjoying it or I was meeting men who weren't actually serious about a relationship. I figured at that point in my life , I could find someone who could at least provide a tangible reward. Looking back? Of course it's stupid - but I did it, and now here I am.

 

As for the alimony and child support, I am not interested in his wallet (funny, right?) - I'm able to support myself and with him coming in with 50% of my menial bills, it's perfect for me. He will only spend less than 10% of his income on 50% of our rent and bills here.

[whichwayisup]

How old are his twins?

Do you expect his wife to allow their children to be around you? I hope you don't expect that because it's going to be a long long time before that happens.

 

It's your life and time will tell if this works out or not but ending a marriage and leaving, then moving in with you and starting a new life RIGHT AWAY is not going to be easy. He still has to grieve the loss of the life he built with his wife, the family unit as one, let alone deal with his children's pain and all the changes and adjustments that will happen in the upcoming year.

 

Are you sure for everybody's sake him finding a place on his own would be better and healthier? He'll still have to see and deal with his (ex) wife, their finances and again their kids. Are you prepared for the many months of a bumpy ride?

[Gemlove]

Just a generic reply to all of those who questioned why he would not just leave an abusivr relationship.

 

Would you question a woman the same way?

 

It is hard to leave any relationship, especially those you have fear of the impending retaliation you are bound to face.

 

He is not lying about his situation - he has shown me secret recordings of 17 rages from things ranging from a missing sock to him not cleaning the house (she is a SAHM, he works about 85 hours a week on average). At one point she took away his car keys for two weeks and drove him to and from work.

 

He found me because he was seeking love and validation and thought the only way he could get that was through paying for it. And yes, I accepted his money but we are no longer in that type of arrangement - I really love this man

[whichwayisup]

I would suggest a woman leaving an abusive marriage to NOT move in with another man, one that she was having an A with. Good for him for leaving, if he is that abused, then he may need counseling and learn to be on his own BEFORE committing and investing in a new person. He isn't fully there emotionally. And, if she's so abusive does he get custody of their twin kids? Are they moving in with you as well?

 

I hope you see this? It's just so unhealthy, you two have an affair dynamic and now all of a sudden he's moved in.

[imperfectangel]

I do think for his children's sake that he should have his own place or at least somewhere neutral to take them - perhaps his parents? Their mother will be exceptionally hurt by all this and to throw a stranger into a child's life at such a traumatic time might be too much for them.

 

This may also benefit you in the long run so they don't see you as the "enemy"

[Gemlove]

How old are his twins?

Do you expect his wife to allow their children to be around you? I hope you don't expect that because it's going to be a long long time before that happens.

 

It's your life and time will tell if this works out or not but ending a marriage and leaving, then moving in with you and starting a new life RIGHT AWAY is not going to be easy. He still has to grieve the loss of the life he built with his wife, the family unit as one, let alone deal with his children's pain and all the changes and adjustments that will happen in the upcoming year.

 

Are you sure for everybody's sake him finding a place on his own would be better and healthier? He'll still have to see and deal with his (ex) wife, their finances and again their kids. Are you prepared for the many months of a bumpy ride?

 

Hi whichwayisup! Yes, this has been discussed and we agreed to at least one year separation before I am introduced and I am totally on board with that. They are hid children as much as they are hers - he is going to get a burner apartment for the children's sake.