Coping with break-up while living in a strange city (7 weeks NC) [UPDATE]

[Trinity_84]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, although I've read these forums for years now. I am now in a situation and I could certainly use some fresh set of eyes to help me cope with it, understand it and hopefully move on from it.

 

My partner and were together for 1,5 years, we're both in our 30's. During the time we were together I moved to a different country to be with them. I never felt fully happy in this place, my friends were their friends and I felt like I was living in *their* world, not mine. I am a very independent person, but when I'm in a relationship, I get really attached. I guess you can say my self-esteem isn't super high. This was a recurring problem throughout our time. They also had some issues of their own, but were more mature in a way and knew how to handle them (for the most part). Lately I'd felt like they no longer loved me anymore, they at some point even said they didn't miss me (when I was on a trip for a few days), which was soul-destroying.

 

To make a long story short, I initiated the break up 9 weeks ago. It was very hard, I moved out of our house the next day and had to leave our pet. I had plans to travel around in the near future, and the break up made me want to travel immediately. The day before I left town my partner and I met, cried together and talked it over. They said we'd see each other again. I guess in my mind I felt like we could reconcile if only we could spend some time apart. They were sweet, caring, loving, understanding that night. It was a nice moment.

 

A week after I left town I called my partner, I missed them terribly and wanted to go back, to see them at least. They shut me down immediately and when I asked them if they loved me, they didn't respond. Just dead air. It was awful. They said they didn't want to be my only source of happiness, that I hated it there and asked why I even wanted to go back. They were cold, distant, indifferent and I felt like I didn't know who this person was. Right after that I went NC. It's been almost 7 weeks of that now, and I haven't heard from them.

 

I guess I keep wondering if they even love me anymore. Wondering why the sudden change of heart, why the night before I left they made me think there was hope, but a week later it was all gone. I guess I feel like even though I did the dumping, I ended up being the dumped! I am so confused.

 

I have written him letters in my diary (never sent), I have talked to friends and family, I have been doing everything to move on, I have been trying to understand where I went wrong and what I can learn from this. Some days I feel very good about my progress, some others, like today, I feel in the absolute gutter. Maybe I need them to say "I don't love you anymore, it's over" so I can move on. But at the same time, I don't ever want to talk to them. I want to disappear from their world/life forever, I want them to contact me and apologize, or at least show some sign of care. I want them to think about me and say "I wonder whatever happened to Trinity_84?". I know they're not a bad person, I am finding it hard coping with the fact they might no longer love me, that they might've fallen out of love way before I initiated the break up but they didn't have the guts to pull the plug themselves, that I did their dirty work, they then gave me a glint of hope only to take the rug under me when I was out of town and couldn't see me in the eyes.

 

I know at the end of the day none of that matters, but I need help coping with this.

 

If you read all of that, bless your soul.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

For what it is worth it sounds like you are doing well. It is normal to have good and bad days, as time goes on the bad days will decrease. You just need to hang in there and focus on your own happiness.

 

You are already writing letters that you won't send which can be a helpful way to process your emotions, keep doing things like that as an alternative to contacting your ex, they don't deserve that attention from you.

 

As for the desire for closure, personally I think you are the only one that can give yourself that. When your ex refused to answer your question if they loved you anymore, I would interpret that as "I don't love you anymore, it's over". Their empty promises and lack of contact aren't the actions of someone who loves you. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't take you or your love for granted, and in time you will meet someone better.

 

I know it isn't easy, but in time things will improve.

 

Take care.

[Trinity_84]

Thank you.

I keep reminding myself that the ups and downs are part of the process. I just sometimes wish I could be like those people (like my ex) who leave the past in the past and never look back.

[Trinity_84]

I figured I'd share this with everyone here who's also going through a terrible loss. Whatever the circumstances are, if you are struggling to move on, this could be of help somehow, I hope, to someone out there.

 

I do this once everyday, in the shower or at the sink first thing when I wake up. While washing my hands and face, I memorized these words and say them out loud to myself:

 

I cleanse myself of negative feelings

I wash away my selfishness

I wash away my self-doubting

I wash away my negative thinking of others

I wash away jealousy

I bathe myself in happiness

I allow self-acceptance into myself

I feel gratitude for all that I have

I will practice acceptance of others and will not judge

 

 

Every time I finish the affirmations, I have a smile on my face. I also like to look at myself in the eyes when I say some of these. To remind myself that it is true and I believe in myself, not just mouthing words for the sake of it.

 

Affirmations help, hope these help you.

[Souldier1234]

I love those affirmations Dear one. Never stop them.

[Trinity_84]

More specifically on social media.

 

My question stems from a day of overthinking. I am currently not in touch with my ex, removed them from fb etc. We have like 50+ friends in common so I figure they see some tagged photos of me and our mutual friends and whatnot.

 

I remember when we were together, I noticed that after they split with their previous ex, they'd "liked" photos of this ex and their mutual friends. This was an ex they were engaged to, an ex who broke their heart and left them depressed for months until I came along. But with me, it's dead air. This is someone who will like everything on Fb, they always liked everything their friends were tagged in. Now for me... Nothing. I am not blocked, I can see their profile. If it matters, we kind of dumped each other.

 

I know this doesn't matter, I know this is immature behaviour, I know and I am moving on, but I can't help but wonder why it's as if I didn't even exist, when they originally insisted we be civil to each other.

 

Deep down I know want someone to tell me that they are going through such a tough time without me that they can't even bring themselves to like a stupid photo on Facebook but the negative side of me thinks they have completely removed me from their "people to give 2 s***s about" list.

 

Indifference is such a horrible thing.

[d0nnivain]

I have never had an EX be so much as impolite to me. I also never had an EX on social media, nor would I want that person to have such a window into my life.

 

Delete. Move on. You hold the solution to the problem of your own making, caused by your failure to sever all ties.

[amaysngrace]

I have some exes that are nice and one that I can't stand but that's because he is and too often has been a POS to our kids.

[SammySammy]

Depends on the ex.

 

One "hates" me. "Hates" the fact that I exist. One "loves" me. Should have been together forever. Two are indifferent. One is messy. Loves stirring up drama and meddling in people's business.

 

None of it has any bearing on my life.

 

I ignore all of them and keep it moving.

[BC1980]

You don't need to have an ex on social media if it's causing this kind of overthinking. I am friends with one ex on social media, and I have zero feelings for him. He is not even on my radar, and I barely ever think about him. We don't treat each other any specific way on social media. This is a guy I dated 15 years ago, and I was never in love with him to begin with. I would not have my recent ex on social media because of our history. He caused me a lot of pain, and it took me a long time to move on from him. Luckily, he does not use social media.

[sorano]

Oh man lol. delete that crap. No need to have any ties with them. Especially if they did you wrong.

[todreaminblue]

if something is causing you duress then you remove that duress to move forward......im sorry that you ex seems indifferent...seems being the operative word......i actually feel if he was indifferent he would probably like things on your page....the dead air signifies something if he likes others pages but specifically has never liked anything on yours....there's a reason.,...........theres feelings there..no contact is normally when you dont want to acknowledge feelings...that includes liking pages...or keeping a like to a bare minimum....even when you want to like everything....but i probably differ from others opinions...regardless of how he feels what counts is how you feel...so just be happy ...be of good cheer..really what else si there to be...... you have friends you have support........and leave him be whatever it is he is...........deb

Edited May 10, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Trinity_84]

Oh no I removed my ex from FB and then I noticed they "unliked" my blog FB page (which they oh so vehemently "supported" and shared with everyone when we were together). I unfollowed most of our friends in common (the ones I know are in touch with him), so unless my ex did the same, they'd be the one to be able to see my photos where I tag our mutual friends.

 

I have specifically requested not to be told anything regarding my ex as I do not want to know. It's been almost 3 months of NC.

 

I *want* my ex to see how good I've been doing, to see that they weren't my only source of happiness (as they so arrogantly said the last time we spoke). I want them to see it, and I want them to hit the "like" button so I know they see it.

 

It's incredibly childish, I know, but I can't help it

[Tayla]

Correct, it's incredibly childish

 

And yes you can help it.

 

Modern technology has a delete button, ignore button . Try it!

 

I have faith that you can be the mature person.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My ex and I are great friends and we have an enormous amount of respect for one another. However, when it comes to social media, when we broke up, I deleted him as well as most of his family and friends out of sheer survival. It's not healthy to be connected in that way especially through social media when so much can be misinterpreted. It was self preservation in the beginning. Since then, I've added a few of his family back on as well as mutual friends but I keep their content VERY limited and vice versa.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Trinity_84]

How do you guys cope with the realization that you're no longer in your ex's life?

 

When I all of a sudden and drunkenly broke up with my ex (due to lack of experience and some naïvité - I always believe my ex's and I will be friends, we never are-) I guess it didn't dawn on me that they'd be out of my life and I theirs.

 

I know time helps and meeting new people, making new memories etc etc etc. But I don't understand why breaking up means going completely dark and never hearing from them again (either by force or voluntarily). Right now I have been NC for like 3 months, and clearly I can't see the future, but from reading forums and stuff I realize most people are not in touch with their ex's.

 

So what's the point in giving your heart to someone and open up and share your life, if when it's over, it's like it never happened?

[SixxChick]

So what's the point in giving your heart to someone and open up and share your life, if when it's over, it's like it never happened?

 

That is the million dollar question. There are no guarantees when it comes relationships. Or maybe we just ignore the red flags. If you find a better answer to your question, please let me know.

 

Peace.

[Reels]

I think is best if you try evaluating yourself, and try figuring out what else you like in your life, you will have your way.

[topher]

Live and learn.

[privategal]

Oh no I removed my ex from FB and then I noticed they "unliked" my blog FB page (which they oh so vehemently "supported" and shared with everyone when we were together). I unfollowed most of our friends in common (the ones I know are in touch with him), so unless my ex did the same, they'd be the one to be able to see my photos where I tag our mutual friends.

 

I have specifically requested not to be told anything regarding my ex as I do not want to know. It's been almost 3 months of NC.

 

I *want* my ex to see how good I've been doing, to see that they weren't my only source of happiness (as they so arrogantly said the last time we spoke). I want them to see it, and I want them to hit the "like" button so I know they see it.

 

It's incredibly childish, I know, but I can't help it

 

 

I think you might not have figured out yet...the REAL freedom...the deep breathe...it comes from hitting the UNFRIEND button.

Yes, its a hard step...but when they cant know ANYTHING about you...you tend to live more free. You dont post with them in mind. For me my xeap and me were not involved on social media...but even so...I took a few months break and temporarily disabled my account.

Seperate yourself permanently and see the progression!

[Trinity_84]

I wanted to say that every day I think about my ex and the relationship less and less. Today, though, I've been thinking about that moment when I was away for a few days, and when I came back I asked my ex if they had missed me and they said "it was only X days, how could I miss you?"

 

I remember feeling the love drain away at that instant. I think my heart broke and I fell out of love. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THEM RIGHT THEN AND THERE. THEY DID NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE BY THEN.

 

I am angry at myself for staying. I dumped them that day but ended up patching things up because our new apartment came through that very same day and I figured, maybe the change of place can liven things up. I ended up baring it for 1 month, and then I left. I know at least I didn't stay in a loveless relationship, but I should've left the moment they implied they didn't miss me when I was away. My heart was broken then and whatever love I had just faded. *That* was the moment. I can see it clearly now.

[Trinity_84]

I was watching some funny pet videos on YouTube, then I saw one that looked just like our pets, the ones I had to leave.

It all came rushing back to me, how they insisted we get them because we both loved animals. How I didn't get to say goodbye to them because I left so quickly and in so much pain. I wonder if my ex still has them -- last thing I heard they were doing alright, but my ex is flaky, I don't know how long they'd keep them.

 

I wonder what they look like nowadays. I wonder if they're being taken care of, by whom. I wonder if they're still alive, even. I don't know anything because I have been NC for a few months now. I miss my pets so much. I can't contact my ex about the pets, cause they're not mine anymore, I gave them up the same moment I gave up on the relationship.

 

I feel awful right now, I sort of want to cry but what for? I'm never going to see them again.