Coldma Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 About 8 months ago my oldest son moved from our home state on the east coast to California. He works in the music industry and he moved with his boss. After two months, he called and said he'd been offered "the opportunity of a lifetime" to work for someone else in that business. My husband, our other son, a girl who was sort of seeing him and I all got to go out there three weeks ago to spend a week with him. When we got to him his hair was dyed bright pink. He wasn't wearing any clothes I'd ever seen and he said they were his boss son's clothes. We stayed at their large home which was very nice of them, because we wouldn't have been able to go if they hadn't offered us a place to stay. They are from the same area as my husband is too and their son and daughter are the same age as our boys so we had those things in common. He was nice enough to give our son the week off to spend time with us. The thing I didn't like is they kept calling our son their "other son" and the wife called him things like honey, baby, and sweetheart and that just rubbed me wrong. They barely know him I feel. He was also really touchy with their daughter who is in her early 20s and it was strange. Ever other word he said was a cuss word, which isn't like him, but this whole family swore a lot. He was rude to his brother, and seemed like he would rather talk to his bosses wife than to me. He was also distant from the girl who came with us. He would barely hug her. I know one night they disappeared together and didn't show up until the next morning. Which is fine, I know he's not a virgin or anything but it was so secretive. When he took us back to the airport I didn't want to let him go. I miss him. The girl wouldn't sit by us going home and cried almost the whole flight. It made me so sad because I really enjoy her. Why would he change so much? It hurts me. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I think I understand the emotions you're going through right now. He's forming a whole other life for himself in another state, with other people and by doing that he is distancing himself from his life with you. And as a parent I can imagine that that is hurtful to see. However, I feel like we all need to accept that our children are not "ours" in a possesive way. They are also not extensions of ourselves. They are a completely different person who will sometimes have more in common with other people than us. Sometimes they will look the way we never would or make choices that we never would, but as long as they carry those basic foundations that we provided them with anywhere they go, we should be happy with the job we did. The hair, the clothes, the girl he dates, those are just superficial things. He can still be the same person you raised, but in a different setting. Try and accept that he is growing up, finding himself and changing and enjoy being his support and a friend, instead of judging and parenting him on what you feel is best for his life. It can only be damaging to your relationship with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Oh my... I can understand how you feel. It's like the family have changed him. Were you close to him before he left? Is there any way you could contact his old boss and ask if he knows this family? Maybe your son is trying to fit in and is behaving like they do. Just let him be assured that he can call home whenever he wants and try keeping in regular contact with him. If you all have smart phones...use whatsapp to set up a family group chat.. so you can all check in with each other. Having said that if you weren't a close family before..this may seem weird ...but as he's out of town. ..it's a way to keep close. You'll find the hair is just a phase and it will be another color when you next see him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Your son is becoming his own person, which is normal and healthy. My mom was worried about me too when I got into the record business, but she had some time to get used to it before I moved states. You should be glad for your son that he has spread his wings and left the nest. That only means that you did your job. You can't expect him to maintain a relationship with a high school girlfriend for long. People change and go in different directions in their early to mid-twenties especially. He's lucky he's gotten someone there helping him out. I never had that. He no longer lives in your house, so he no longer lives by your rules, which is also normal. He is simply growing up. He can cuss if he wants to and see whatever women he wants to see, and no, of course he is not a virgin. Just stop trying to manage him now and take a break to enjoy life. Sounds like he's doing fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted June 6, 2016 Author Share Posted June 6, 2016 It was his birthday so I called him, no answer so I left a message. No call back, but I can see on Facebook that they threw him a party at their house, and he has responded to some comments on there. Their family all left him posts about him "changing their lives" and how fate brought him to them and took him to dinner and gave him gifts... the wife said something to the effect of he's the other son she didn't know they needed. I know I should be happy that they're this nice to him, but it hurts my feelings. I am hurt by the fact he is practically becoming a member of their family, but I don't feel like he even knows them. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 I have a feeling that this "love affair" with this family won't last. It's happening too fast and furious when none of them really know each other. Things like this tend to end with a bang, and there's often a big falling out. I agree with the others that he's just finding himself and finding a new life. Just maintain sporadic contact with him even if he doesn't reciprocate. At some point, he's going to miss his real family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted June 6, 2016 Author Share Posted June 6, 2016 I am so upset he hasn't called me. We were close before he left. I showed my other son the pictures and he said "looks like he's on drugs" and walked away. It broke my heart. I hope he's not... He seems close to their kids.the son was calling him brother on Facebook. I just wish he would slow down with these people. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 There's not a lot you can do except be there for him. He is making odd choices right now. Just keep tabs on him as much as you can. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It would break my heart, too, if my son were doing this. I personally have a big problem with the parents of this other family. They showed a lot of disrespect toward you. My son has a close friend who calls me mom, and my son calls his mom the same thing. I refer to the friend as my other son, or jokingly I call him my favorite son to make my son laugh. But I would never dream of doing anything in front of this friend's parents to make them uncomfortable, and vice versa. There's definitely something strange going on. I think your son is going to find out that these people aren't all they're cracked up to be and will be sorry he ever treated his family this way. No one who had good intentions would encourage someone to disengage from their family. That's the main reason I don't trust these people. Just a thought but if you have the money to do so, you might want to hire a PI to see what's really going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I take it he's between 18 and 30? He's finding himself. You can't control that. What you CAN do is continue to imprint yourself (and the family) on him by not giving up on him. This won't last; it may end up badly, but that is HIS journey. If you stay consistent throughout it, he'll remember. He'll know he has a mom and dad to fall back on. And eventually, he will. Unless he is on drugs. But even if he is, that is again HIS journey. Nothing you can do about that. Remember that the more strained you make your relationship with him, the more you judge him, the more likely he won't come to you when he's hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 He finally called me!!! We Skyped for a few hours, and it made me so happy. He said he hasn't been hanging around that family as much because he's been busy. I hope he was being honest. He told me a little about the party they threw him, and he said that they surprised him. He also said he is planning on visiting in a little while. It would feel so good to have him home. I asked if he'd talked to the girl who flew out with us. He said he hadn't spoken to her since we left and hopes she "moved on to someone else." That made me sad. I know it is none of my business, but I was hopeful she'd be my daughter in law. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I'm so glad. What I'm thinking is that too much cotton candy eventually makes you sick. In other words, they were too good to be true, and eventually they 'wonderfulness' started getting to him. He started to see the cracks behind the veneer. No more rose-colored glasses. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Excellent news! I know you're feeling relieved. Btw, I'd suggest that you stop bringing up the girl. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with her. He doesn't need you making subtle suggestions about her, or even asking if he has contacted her. My son dated a girl I really liked but they broke up. I liked her family, too. But my son and his gf had issues that I wasn't aware of and once he told me about some things, I understood. I still like the girl but realized they weren't compatible. Now he's with someone else that I love just as much. And my son is very happy. We can't decide who our kids should be with. As you are well aware, there are dynamics to all relationships that we know nothing of. Just drop it. He's not interested in her. Anyway, great news about him calling and coming to visit. Keep us posted when you get a chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 He's home!!! He just surprised us this afternoon, right after my husband got home from work he just walked in. I cried when I saw him I was so excited! We made him his favorite dinner and got to talk. He's asleep now, but I can't stop going in his room to look at him :love: I'm so happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 He's home!!! He just surprised us this afternoon, right after my husband got home from work he just walked in. I cried when I saw him I was so excited! We made him his favorite dinner and got to talk. He's asleep now, but I can't stop going in his room to look at him :love: I'm so happy. So glad to hear this! Did he say anything about the family in CA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 So glad to hear this! Did he say anything about the family in CA? Yes, the daughter took him to the airport. He still just thinks they're the greatest... he was just raving about them. his boss gave him a promotion. Because he is the most reliable of the boys working there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 Things are okay. He talks to that family on the phone every day, especially the daughter. We went to dinner last night and the first place we went to the girl that went with us to California was there. He wanted to leave immediately and walked out. So, we went somewhere else. Then she called and text him all night. I haven't asked if he answered or anything but I overheard my sons talking later and he was saying she's crazy and obsessed with him. That made me sad to hear. I really like her. Link to post Share on other sites
dannygreen Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Maybe its just a phase. You need to get closer and support him, tell him you understand him and the situation. Dont let him alone and go. Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Is your family very religious? If so, he may be enjoying different perspectives and worldviews that he didn't feel he could freely explore at home. Just a possibility.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coldma Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 Is your family very religious? If so, he may be enjoying different perspectives and worldviews that he didn't feel he could freely explore at home. Just a possibility.... No, we always let our kids express themselves freely. I think we had an understanding of what was appropriate and what wasn't, but it wasn't ever really because it wasn't allowed. He told me he is in love with the daughter. I tried to be supportive because it's his life , but inside I was crushed when he told me. Link to post Share on other sites
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