we don't really TALK

[WIKKID]

I've been in a LDR for almost 2 years. Right from the start, we had an issue with communication. She is extremely quiet and keeps things to herself most times. I am, for the most part, an open book, so it took me a while to get used to not really TALKING. Like, in the beginning, she didn't want to know much about my past, or struggles/problems I've lived through because it was too negative and she practices the law of attraction type of belief system.

 

I've had a REALLY long, and sordid, and abusive past so I accepted her not wanting to know about it because it's hard for ME to know, so I shouldn't expect that everyone I know would want to know about it. It took me a few months (MANY months) to accept that we just won't talk about these things, and she forgets her childhood, so it's quid pro quo I suppose.

 

We live close enough to spend every weekend together, however, during the week, we have almost nothing to say to each other. At first i REALLY wanted her to talk to me during the week, but I've gotten used to it, and have found ways to deal with feeling lonely, starting with going to the gym and then dance lessons and now those two things plus some friends. When we are together on the weekends, we don't really TALK about much. If it doesn't pertain to us, we don't really talk about it. This is still hard for me as we are NOT together more often than we are, so I find not sharing the weeks' happening on the weekends is really rather hard for me, though i've accepted it even if I don't like it.

 

I ended things with her a few months ago because I was tired of being ignored. She started counseling and we decided to give it another go.

 

My dilemma is that so long as I don't WANT those deep, long conversations, so long as I don't NEED a platform for my past to be discussed, then I am happy enough. She doesn't see that we don't talk about stuff, and I accept that we don't, so long as I don't THINK about it.

 

Recently (within the last month) I've made a friend who lives in the same complex as myself, and she and I walk my dog together. We talk easily about anything and everything, including her messy breakup, but NOT really including my unhappy issues. She has hung out with my girlfriend and and noticed right away how silent my girlfriend is, and likely figured out how hard that is for me...

 

I realized yesterday that I have a big crush on this friend. I'm happy to hear from her, we laugh all the time, she hugs like a protective blanket (i have some big struggles with one of my kids... which I seldom if ever discuss with my girlfriend). I don't want to not talk to her, and I know she feels the same, however, as I don't want to be dishonest with my LDR girlfriend, I am torn between ending the friendship to make sure nothing happens and ending the relationship because of the constant reminder of what's MISSING in my current relationship.

 

I don't know if I can break things off with my current gf... I don't know if my issue is just one of those things you learn to accept or not. This g/f is the ONLY person in my life I couldn't just TALK to.... and I'm not sure if I am willing to pay a counselor to teach us to TALK

[ExpatInItaly]

I couldn't be with someone who is such a closed book all the time. It sounds like you've been making concessions but aren't really happy because your need to connect through conversation isn't being met.

 

Your girlfriend is who she is, and you are who you are. It doesn't sound like much of a match, to be honest. Does your girlfriend know you are unhappy?

[WIKKID]

She doesn't feel that we don't connect. I spend so much time WISHING she would see it. I've tried not to let it bother me, and for the most part I can bury it, but every once in a while, I get so tired of it... Tired of the lack of communication, tired of her needing me to SPELL IT OUT all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy, i mean, if she doesn't see it, maybe I'm just asking for too much.

 

She's asked me to live with her, has normally lived with her partners within 6 to 12 months, and I have balked every time we talk about it. I simply can't imagine living with someone I don't TALK with. She has a roommate currently and she can walk in and not talk to said roommate all evening, even if they sit together and watch tv... I'm a constant talker...

 

It started out that she didn't want me to talk to her about things...

 

After 2 years, I don't feel capable of talking to her. She asks questions, but I don't feel like i can talk about these things with her. The time, would have been in the 2 years she wouldn't listen... now I just don't know how to talk about stuff. I just feel like I should shut up...

[GemmaUK]

I've had a REALLY long, and sordid, and abusive past

 

I would suggest you don't date and get some therapy for this.

You can't expect a partner to fix you.

 

It's up to you to do that.

 

Rule of thumb is to look after yourself, your partner also looks after themselves so that you are both healthy enough to be the best you can be for each other.

 

Don't weigh a partner/relationship down with a pile of troubles which ou haven't sorted out in your own mind. It's not fair on them.

[Satu]

Try listening instead of talking.

 

The world is full of talkers, but listeners are in short supply.

[WIKKID]

I would suggest you don't date and get some therapy for this.

You can't expect a partner to fix you.

 

It's up to you to do that.

 

Rule of thumb is to look after yourself, your partner also looks after themselves so that you are both healthy enough to be the best you can be for each other.

 

Don't weigh a partner/relationship down with a pile of troubles which ou haven't sorted out in your own mind. It's not fair on them.

 

That was a huge assumption there. I don't weigh down my partner with my troubles. My past is my own, I've lived it and gotten much help and dealt with my stuff thank you very much. That said, i don't believe there is something unusual with wanting your partner to know more about you than what she can glean from Facebook.

 

If you only want to know the surface of someone, why bother being in an intimate relationship. Why not just keep them at arms length if you don't care to know anything that isn't peaches and cream happiness.? When I think of a partner, I'm looking for partnership...

 

A partnership with someone who can handle me in good and bad times. Someone I can tell everything too without judgement being passed. Someone who can be my best friend, lover, everything in between and would want to grow old with me.

 

You can't have that if your partner doesn't want to know anything about you prior to the relationship beginning.

[WIKKID]

Try listening instead of talking.

 

The world is full of talkers, but listeners are in short supply.

 

The whole point of this is that she DOESN'T talk to me. I listen to her nothing all the time. I am acutely aware that she has nothing to say. Not even in response to things I say... I'm not a book, I'm a person. I talk... And like to communicate... Verbally... In a 2 way conversation... She doesn't... Is quite content if we sit on our phones in front of the television and not talking

 

 

I try to listen... After a while it's downtrighy lonely

[Tayla]

People "talk" in different ways...communication can be in actions (behaviors) , in words, or even in deeds . I doubt she is comatose.

 

I sense though you value words.

 

I garden and have learned never to force a flower to bloom, even when its past its "suggested" season....

 

we tend to open up sometimes when the environment is ripe.

 

People can "suppose" til doomsday. The reality is, She is quiet and disengaged to the level that is not accommodating your level of interaction.

 

I didn't read what you love about her ....

[WIKKID]

 

I didn't read what you love about her ....

 

Sometimes the lack of communication makes it so that i can't read what i love about her.

 

she loves me very much. I wouldn't say I don't love her... I just feel that our connection is weak enough that more often than not, i'm trying to figure out how to love her... how to accept that i will just never have this thing that i need... and if I can live with it.

 

Not comatose no, but definitely disengaged.

 

*sigh* perhaps what i seek is impossible.

[grays]

I would go crazy in a relationship like that. She should *want* to know all about your past no matter how unpleasant the details. I want to know all about my partner and I hope they'd like to know all about me. I would feel lonely if it wasn't that way.

[GemmaUK]

I've had a REALLY long, and sordid, and abusive past

 

 

My dilemma is that so long as I don't WANT those deep, long conversations, so long as I don't NEED a platform for my past to be discussed, then I am happy enough. She doesn't see that we don't talk about stuff, and I accept that we don't, so long as I don't THINK about it.

 

Apologies for any offence caused OP, but based upon your post and particularly the above two quotes from your first post I could only assume that what you want/need to talk about is your long, sordid and abusive past.

We all have histories but in depth and in detail is probably better left to a professional if it's as bad as you say.

[justwhoiam]

in the beginning, she didn't want to know much about my past, or struggles/problems I've lived through because it was too negative

I guess one's upbringing may play a part in this, not just personality. And maybe something bad happened to her too, so that might be particularly difficult for her to hear.

 

she practices the law of attraction type of belief system

Like what? What do you mean?

 

I've had a REALLY long, and sordid, and abusive past so I accepted her not wanting to know about it because it's hard for ME to know, so I shouldn't expect that everyone I know would want to know about it.

I'm not the average person maybe, but I'd want to know everything about it. I'd make sure you let it all out. And not just hearing the facts, but I would make sure to understand how you felt about those facts when they happened, afterwards and now. My man had some kind of [let's call it] incident and he was not comfortable talking about that. It was still hard for him to even go about the topic. But he knew I really wanted to know everything about him, so he wrote it down for me to read. I like to think we can really talk about anything. And you can't be left thinking that this would be out of the ordinary. That's what's love's made of!

 

We live close enough to spend every weekend together

What do you talk about in person? During the weekend? Or the only questions she askes are like "what would you like to eat for lunch?"

 

I need to ask you: do you feel in love with her? Or it's just affection that grew just spending time with her like old buddies? And how's the sex? Do you get carried away with it? Would you define it amazing? Do you have an excellent connection when you kiss her or are intimate with her?

 

I realized yesterday that I have a big crush on this friend

Did you let her understand that somehow? Anyway, I doubt you can get a big crush on anyone while being in love with someone else. So that makes me think that your feelings for your current gf are not even there anymore.

[smackie9]

You can theorize about it all you want, but most likely the relationship has run it's course and it's time to move on.

[WIKKID]

I guess one's upbringing may play a part in this, not just personality. And maybe something bad happened to her too, so that might be particularly difficult for her to hear.

 

I'm sure that something happened, but that is something we don't discuss. She forgets her childhood, only remembers her romantic relationships prior to me, and doesn't even recall much about any of them, except that they ended when she found someone/thing newer and more exciting.

 

Like what? What do you mean?

Particularly Abraham Hicks. it's really quite broken down as we don't really discuss that either. From what I understand about it, she redirects her thoughts from negative things to avoid attracting negative into her life. What happened in the past is in the past and it has no bearing on your today, and basically, nothing happens by chance, or by accident (except falling in love apparently) as it's all a result of your energy being directed in a direction (so negative begets negative, positive begets positive. Theres more to it, from what I have read, however, due to my disagreement on these theories (though I don't argue the validity for HER) we don't discuss it, as questions or disagreements on the way she looks at things cause anxiety, tears and withdrawal. We seldom if ever discuss anything DEEP.

 

I'm not the average person maybe, but I'd want to know everything about it. I'd make sure you let it all out. And not just hearing the facts, but I would make sure to understand how you felt about those facts when they happened, afterwards and now. My man had some kind of [let's call it] incident and he was not comfortable talking about that. It was still hard for him to even go about the topic. But he knew I really wanted to know everything about him, so he wrote it down for me to read. I like to think we can really talk about anything. And you can't be left thinking that this would be out of the ordinary. That's what's love's made of!

 

I'm more like this than I thought. I suppose it's why I was put out by the statements from GemmaUK saying not to weigh down a partner with a pile of troubles. To me, it's natural to learn all about one's partner. Somethings, yea, I can see keeping to yourself, because some things, may be, like your bf, too painful to discuss. However, without preamble, it is too painful for her to know anything about MY LIFE prior to us meeting. I'm 41... that's a LOT of stuff that we can't talk about b/c it is too hard for her.

 

What do you talk about in person? During the weekend? Or the only questions she askes are like "what would you like to eat for lunch?"

we don't really TALK. That's the thing. with so many things off limits, met with anxiety attacks and/or tears and/or refusal to talk, I don't ask her stuff, as she had said "if you want to share something, you'll tell me"... and since she forgets everything in her life for the 36 years prior to me (except relationships, she recalls those) there's a lot that we don't talk about.

 

I need to ask you: do you feel in love with her? Or it's just affection that grew just spending time with her like old buddies? And how's the sex? Do you get carried away with it? Would you define it amazing? Do you have an excellent connection when you kiss her or are intimate with her?

actually... i don't know what i feel. Sadness. Obligation... unfair... When we have sex, it's usually pretty good, though it was a bone of contention as i "made her feel like a piece of meat" in the first 6 or so months after we became an item to the point where she felt that she was "obligated" to have sex with me. I'm not going to lie... that word looms everytime I want to have sex. I wonder if I'm causing her a problem... Even now, she wants it on a fairly consistent basis... but for me, Sex is deeper than just having sex... if that makes sense.

 

Did you let her understand that somehow? Anyway, I doubt you can get a big crush on anyone while being in love with someone else. So that makes me think that your feelings for your current gf are not even there anymore.

 

I didn't even know that I developed said crush. As a matter of fact, I believe that the crush could simply be because with this friend, all the things that are off limits in my relationship (to TALK ABOUT) are acceptable. I believe it is less of a crush and more of an acceptance... of an open space free of judgement which i've not had since the very beginning with my g/f.

 

I wonder if i'm just theorizing or trying to really understand if as smackie9 says, it's just run it's course.

[LittleTiger]

Remember you cannot change another person. She is how she is. If that frustrates or annoys you then she's not the right person for you.

[basil67]

She doesn't feel that we don't connect. I spend so much time WISHING she would see it. I've tried not to let it bother me, and for the most part I can bury it, but every once in a while, I get so tired of it... Tired of the lack of communication, tired of her needing me to SPELL IT OUT all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy, i mean, if she doesn't see it, maybe I'm just asking for too much.

 

She's asked me to live with her, has normally lived with her partners within 6 to 12 months, and I have balked every time we talk about it. I simply can't imagine living with someone I don't TALK with. She has a roommate currently and she can walk in and not talk to said roommate all evening, even if they sit together and watch tv... I'm a constant talker...

 

It started out that she didn't want me to talk to her about things...

 

After 2 years, I don't feel capable of talking to her. She asks questions, but I don't feel like i can talk about these things with her. The time, would have been in the 2 years she wouldn't listen... now I just don't know how to talk about stuff. I just feel like I should shut up...

 

This is all I need to know to tell you that she's not the right girl for you. If she was the right girl, you'd be wanting to move towards building a life with her.

 

Out of curiosity, why haven't you already broken up with her? You've got ample reason to end it.

[Arieswoman]

WIKKID,

 

And like to communicate... Verbally... In a 2 way conversation... She doesn't... Is quite content if we sit on our phones in front of the television and not talking

 

This doesn't sound like a relationship to me. I don't really know how I would describe it.

 

I think it's time to move on - sorry x

[justwhoiam]

WIKKID,

 

This doesn't sound like a relationship to me. I don't really know how I would describe it.

A 20-year old marriage (gone wrong)?

[justwhoiam]

What happened in the past is in the past and it has no bearing on your today

Maybe you could teach her a lesson. You pick up the phone and tell her something along these lines: I thought about us a lot and I believe things can't go on the way they are, at least for me. I don't feel fulfilled as a man, and I've come to the conclusion that I need something totally different, I guess you'll need to try your theories with someone else, and I guess that we'll be pretty easy for you, because in a few minutes I'll be your past, and duly forgotten. Take care.

 

so many things off limits, met with anxiety attacks and/or tears and/or refusal to talk

I might accept that and work on it, if I were really in love and it were about one topic, but not about everything. Besides past things, you were not able to mention one single topic you can talk about. It could be music, sports, future life together, plans, career goals. But here it's nothing at all, and it looks like a relationship with a starfish.

 

i don't know what i feel. Sadness. Obligation... unfair... When we have sex, it's usually pretty good, though it was a bone of contention as i "made her feel like a piece of meat" in the first 6 or so months after we became an item to the point where she felt that she was "obligated" to have sex with me.

Well, I guess all that is enough to part ways. What do you think?

[Arieswoman]

Justwhoiam18,

 

A 20-year old marriage (gone wrong)?