So much pain...

[AT15]

It's been almost 2 months since he changed on a whim. I can't make sense of it. I think it was just a weird reaction to getting close to me. One day it was: "your heart is my home" and within a week he went ghost.

I'm still struggling with the 180. What was it? He just went totally cold and distant. I was checking his SM, but I stopped. And to be honest, it's the only way I feel like I have some type of control.

 

My right mind says, "honey, you aren't missing a thing. You roughy more to his life than he brought to yours."

But there is another side of me that feels ashamed. Like : "Can you keep a man you fall in love with? Why are you always being left

."

It's a hard pill to swallow. He discarded me after I showed him so much tender care and love. So much support. In so many ways I'm happy he's gone, but in so many ways I feel he was someone I loved so deeply. And his actions just shot on all that love. Why dos he even bother moving on with me?

[sorano]

welcome to the 180 club. I am very sorry this happened to you. It happened to me 3 months ago. same scenario. It hurts.

[sickoflove11]

I'm also in this club. Less than 3 months ago now. It sucks I'm sorry. I'm still trying to deal with it and don't have any good advice. Like you, I know I'm better without him and he is honestly not a nice person but I can not stop thinking about him. He's still seeing this older, married, woman and it drives me crazy.

[AT15]

I'm in no contact. But I want him to contact me. My heart is exploding. I know it's the hope that's hurting me. I'm trying to let go. He's moved on.

[Heatemyheart89]

I feel your pain, but stay strong you can do this.

[Rachel39]

Is this just recent? I honestly know that pain! This site has helped me through.... It's not easy I broke it so many times but I'm in my way now.

[Satu]

Eat something

Drink some water

Go for a walk

Do some stretching

Do some breathing - count your breaths

 

You will be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[AT15]

Thank you, it passed. i think i'm pre-mense (sorry TMI). i didn't look at his social media or text him phew. he treated me like disposable garbage one too many times. im happy he is out of my life. its sad tho. because i did love him. he couldn't love me back tho.

[Satu]

Sometimes you just have to ride out the feelings.

 

When you're in the midst of intensely painful feelings, they seem to blanket everything and it feels like it will go on forever, but you ride it out and get through it.

 

Glad you're feeling better.

 

 

Take care.

[Souldier1234]

Dear one

 

Please remember to focus on you and try not to let the past trap you. Your mind will keep taking you back to him or to your past. Try to not believe those negative thoughts. Stay busy, this helps you to focus in the present and you will gently stop feeling sad.

 

Always remember the strong, intelligent, kind and loving person you were before this person. Put yourself first. That's were healing begins. Once you find happiness, you will find other people who will come in your life and add onto you your love and happiness.

 

Take care Dear one

[AT15]

That's the problem in some ways ... The past. I was in a loveless marriage when I connected with him. So, upon meeting him I fell deep in love. I think back to my past and for years I wasn't happy. He's has emotional ups and downs. And I felt being with him drained my energy. But, my heart still yearns for him. It is in the past. I'm working on being in the present so the past can heal

[Souldier1234]

You are very wise to see the problems in your own life. Sometimes we look for answers outside of ourselves. Like in our exes or people or things, and we forget to look for answers inside ourselves. I feel you have found all your answers.

 

You said:

So, upon meeting him I fell deep in love. I think back to my past and for years I wasn't happy

I do not wish to place judgment but from the above statement, it just explains to me that you never found your own happiness. But Happiness attracts happiness. No one can make you truly happy but yourself. Ever tried to make a depressed person happy. If they are not in a good space, they wont be happy. Happiness begins and ends with you. no one can take that away but you yourself.

 

You said:

And I felt being with him drained my energy.

Meaning that you had so much positive energy and you felt it being drained. Go back and work on finding that energy. That internal peace and soon you will see all your blessings coming towards you. Reaping all you rewards that you sowed in yourself.

 

Any money or financial expert will tell you, that the best investment is in yourself. Take that to love and happiness. The best place is to start with you.

 

You are already working on your journey by what you said:

I'm working on being in the present so the past can heal

I truly believe blessings are on their way, for you.

[AT15]

Before he moved in with me I was taking time for myself and meditating three times a day. I was generally speaking very happy. Even with challenges I was optimistic. Then he began to do things like cheat and seek attention on dating sites that took me off my spiritual path. I would meditate with him. I would talk to him about his need to put other women between us. About 4 months in I began to feel unhappy as my baseline. My positive energy had turned to negative. He was so about himself. So selfish. I wanted him, but I wanted him to go to counseling. So, he could be good to himself. But he refused to go.

 

So in essence, I let him bring me down.

 

Now it's time for me to shut the door to him and pull myself up again.

[Souldier1234]

Wise words again... its amazing how in some relationships we get spiritually stuck and cannot evolve in a relationship. But I am now beginning to see the lesson or two in these kind of relationships. They don't allow for our growth or other experiences. Sometimes in relationships, where someone cheats or cannot see the pain they inflict on the relationship as well as themselves, ensues a struggle, where one partner executes power over the other as a dominating person over a dependent person. And then the dependent person begins to struggle, struggling to regain their independence and get their power back, leaving us with a lot of suffering. Believe I know.

 

But the truth is that being a victim, martyr, persecutor, rescuer or love addict may have a lesson, but in this case a spiritual lesson. And that lesson would be learning how to let go. Because we do have the power to change our outcomes. That power never leaves us. I say let us not loose ourselves in any relationship, and only seek salvation in ourselves & in our Beings.

 

There are many soul mates I believe. Perhaps the next one will be in line with your spirit and help co-create love and support in a healthy manner, and together you can co-create a better life. One without co-dependency but by inter-dependency.

[Souldier1234]

I'm also part of the 180 club. But all I can say is that I am free of my ex. I am free every morning I wake up. Free from hurt, free from pain. And I kinda wish I could thank her for waking me up. I was the problem for letting it effect me. She didn't mirror any of the qualities I have in myself and I knew that but I choose to be dependent on another person to make me happy. Which is super wrong. Once we realize our meaning and value in this earth. We learn that these kind relationship don't break us, but wake us and build us to becoming and staying the Courageous, Kind, Intelligent, Loving beings we have always been, even before or after them.

 

I cant be chain smoking and loosing sleep over someone who cut me out their life, knowing very well that they would be loosing me forever.

[Zahara]

But he was cheating on you back in December 2015. How did he just only change on a whim?

[AT15]

Yes. I see. Letting go has always been a very difficult "thing" for me. I do cling. But, when I am over you. I am over you. There are no "backsies" I do still have feelings for a man I met in 1997. Not the type of feelings where I ache for him, but I miss our 10 year flirtatious friendship we had up until he married and cut me off.

 

I tend to form trusted relationships with people who are the last people I should form trusted relationships with. I invite this into my life. Not just romantically, but friendships as well. Fake friendships. I'm not sure why. And when they stab me in the back, I bitch and moan about it. When I should have seen it coming a mile away.

 

Why? I don't know. Is it I see value in making someone love me enough to change their behavior? It is a reoccurring theme. I see it. I see it happening currently with a woman I work with now. She's gossipy. I don't like gossipy women, but instead of keeping my distance I am tempting fate. Then when she hurts me I will be a "victim" again.

 

What is inside me that has me chasing my tail like this? How do I get out of this awful cycle?

 

It has to be how I see myself. I like inflicting pain on myself.

[AT15]

But he was cheating on you back in December 2015. How did he just only change on a whim?

Good point Zahara. He cheated in January tho. And I had love blinders on. It was a sign of what was to come.

 

I found him on Tinder once too. He has showed me on more than one occasion he was playing games and not serious with me. He was only around for the "Fun". When things got intense and real.

When I started looking for some action to match his words it was only a matter of time.

[Souldier1234]

And there is your answer. If we look within, without thinking into our past or thinking about the future, it becomes easier for us to accept things quicker in the present, instead of pro longing our suffering by allowing ourselves be overcome with every emotion that comes over us.

 

Dear one, blessings are coming your way. Just keeping planting those seeds in yourself. Continue being kind and loving, do note judge yourself, and know that everyone here values and supports you, on your road towards success.

[Souldier1234]

Dear one, what you said is so profound. I like how you express your self introspection.

 

Especially what you said:

It has to be how I see myself. I like inflicting pain on myself.

Without judging yourself, or judging others, how you see yourself and value yourself is very important. Not from an ego perspective, because the ego is part of the mind and it labels and judges constantly, you observe it whenever you think about the past or future. But how your thoughts are somewhat negative and those negatives emotions give your body negative feelings. The only way your ego can keep you living in your mind is by finding a way to keep feeding of pain, pain that you inflict onto yourself first, then others, through anger, blame, guilt, resentment, abuse and violence.

 

It is ok to think that you like inflicting pain on yourself. Because you are. We all do. Whether it is that we like to give pain to others or receive pain on ourselves. The fact that we can observe this bad behavior in ourselves, catch it in the act, see its effects, gives us power in changing it. But only by accepting in the present. We cant control or change people, only ourselves and the situations we put ourselves in. We deal with them day-by-day in the present.

 

I think why we end up with fake friendships or fake relationships is because, we never look for people who mirror the qualities in ourselves. We are always looking to fulfill our ego selves with other peoples qualities. Why can't we fall in love or befriend people who value everything we value, & whom we share qualities with? Wouldn't our lives be happier?

Edited April 26, 2016 by Souldier1234