My best friend's husband felt me up

[whichwayisup]

Let it go. Don't bring it up to him. The next time you all get together make sure you set boundaries and don't let him touch or hug you.

[Jersey born raised]

What if(s) in cases like this will drive people insane. Since she asked you about it I would accept her "reality" of what occurred. So, agree it did catch you off guard, and that your personal space was a bit more defined than her's. Then laugh it off and move on.

 

Having said that, don't forget it. Once might be innocent, twice no.

[porta77]

Feeling you up IS a big deal and you can't blame alcohol.

Tell him to keep his hands off you and keep your distance. Never be alone with him. He sounds like a creep.

[preraph]

What if(s) in cases like this will drive people insane. Since she asked you about it I would accept her "reality" of what occurred. So, agree it did catch you off guard, and that your personal space was a bit more defined than her's. Then laugh it off and move on.

 

Having said that, don't forget it. Once might be innocent, twice no.

 

I see it the opposite. Since she thought it was something is the only reason she brought it up. She knows but is making excuses for him and choosing to wear blinders.

[elaine567]

I see it the opposite. Since she thought it was something is the only reason she brought it up. She knows but is making excuses for him and choosing to wear blinders.

 

Yes, maybe not the first "friend" he has inappropriately "groped".

[TheBathWater]

This happened on Friday night, I've tried to forget that it happened but it keeps bothering me..I'm hoping people can give advice that will put this in perspective.

I rarely see her because she lives a few hours away and has a two year old son, but we've been best friends for about 20 years. She's been married for almost four years to the nicest guy in the entire world. None of us ever go out drinking often, but she and I were excited to see each other and probably overdid it. We went to a baseball game, had a really fun night. His whole family was there, I've now known them for years, we all get along really well.

 

Fast forward to the end of the night, it was cold, we were waiting for an uber home. She and I probably complained about being cold, and he squeezes both of us in a bear hug, and rubs our backs to warm us up- this isn't weird at all, until his hand travels down south and is basically all over my behind. Like I said, we all were pretty tipsy, and I'm pretty sure I reacted by stepping away. It's not until the next morning that I realized I walked away, because she then wanted to talk to me about it. Except she didn't realize why I did that, she said- oh hey I hope you don't think it was weird that (his name) was trying to keep us warm by rubbing our backs last night, but it was so freezing! He has two sisters and is just in his nature to be friendly and yada yada. Of course I say- oh yeah, it was no big deal.

 

Obviously in the future I will keep my distance from him, not be so friendly or physical or whatever. And I don't have any intention of telling her- I just think it will cause way more problems than necessary. Although I've never kept a secret from her in 20 years and part of me feels bad that the first thing I'm deciding not to tell her involves her husband. And it doesn't really mean anything, right? Just a dumb mistake he made because he drank too much? I'm still a little bit shocked he even did that- it's just way out of character for him.

 

Do you think that either he or both of them might have been trying to proposition you for a threesome type of situation? What was her reaction to the whole thing when she talked to you about it later? If it was intentional on his part, I almost wonder if she was in on it.

[AMJ]

Do you think that either he or both of them might have been trying to proposition you for a threesome type of situation? What was her reaction to the whole thing when she talked to you about it later? If it was intentional on his part, I almost wonder if she was in on it.

 

haha...no never. She's pretty conservative about sex. There's no way she even knew what he did let alone her be "in" on it. Her reaction when she asked me about it later was trying to see if I was bothered by something. She felt it was entirely innocent and I guess my walking away from both of them stuck with her, like I felt wrong about it, so that was her way of asking me why I pulled away so suddenly.

[AMJ]

And by pretending you were ok with it ---> supporting a lie.

 

Omitting the truth about what happened is still lying. He did that - even while drunk it's not ok - why act like it is ok?

 

I definitely don't think it's okay. Consider for a minute that how I react to that situation could potentially ruin someone's entire marriage, and not just someone, but my best friend, a person I really care about since she's been my best friend for 20 years. When she asked me about it I hadn't completely processed it yet.

 

If it was a one time honest mistake that will never happen again- and with me it definitely won't happen again- then why would I cause my best friend so much pain?

 

If I knew he was cheating on her, if he had done that to me while sober, if he ever does it or anything like it again- that is another story.

[AMJ]

So as long as she doesn't know it's all good?

 

I know it's hard but really - he did it = he is capable of being a douche. Don't you think she deserves to know your truth? If not from you - then from who?

 

What is the "truth" though? He did something he may not even remember doing.

It takes a certain amount of maturity and perspective to make a decision like this.

[AMJ]

The truth you know is yours. You know what happened. You can't make it unhappen.

 

And whether "he remembers" is irrelevant.

 

Now you know - you know YOUR truth. You can keep your truth from your friend but don't expect the friendship to be the same when you know for certain you are with holding info from her.

 

It's a game changer - things will never be the same.

 

Do you have a friendship that has lasted for over 20 years? Lots of things have happened between her and I in that time that have changed our relationship. I know her very well. She is actually the sort of person who believes that ignorance is bliss. She actually would rather not know about something like this.

 

And it is relevant whether or not he remembers what he did. He may not have realized that he did it. Like I said, this would be a totally different issue if he'd been sober. As in, it never would have even happened.

 

My point in asking what is the truth is not about "MY" truth it's about the truth of the situation. He's the one whose "truth" actually matters. So say he does remember what he did, and he did do it on purpose...what does that mean exactly? That's the part I'd need to understand before I go blabbing about any of this to her. Which means, like someone else suggested, the best person to talk to is him.

[preraph]

The only people who may not remember what they did are people too drunk to remember, but just because a guy is drunk doesn't mean he didn't do it on purpose, whether her remembers it or not. He can't say he doesn't remember, can he, since didn't he already give her the "cover story"?

 

But what you said about her believing ignorance is bliss is exactly what I already said. She has chosen to excuse it and accept his lame excuses for it. That certainly doesn't make it alright she feels it's okay on your end. She did ask you about it, but she seemed to be doing damage control, just as he did. I'd yell loud and hard if he touches you again and make sure everyone in the room hears it so he won't keep doing it. This was no accident or he wouldn't have covered himself for it with her.

[jen1447]

I tend to be a 'truther' but there's just no way around the fact that it needs to be tempered by other considerations. (Vulnerability of the receiver, significance of the subject, big picture things like are you wrongly considering yourself some sort of social justice bringer, etc.) If you just used it as a blunt instrument you'd have to tell your dad on his deathbed that you just found out mom cheated on him in 1962 and so on.

[S_A]

I'm with Losangelena.

 

In my culture, it is common for men to kiss each other on the cheek when they greet each other or say goodbye. My brother had his Samoan friend over and I went up to the friend to greet him. When I greeted him we did the typical go in with a handshake with the right hand and then lean in with the shoulder/chest and do a side-fist-bump on the person's back with the left hand. The thing is, when we leaned in, I laid a kiss on him. The thing is, men kissing as a greeting is not customary for Samoans.

 

The moment I realized I was not supposed to kiss him (which was almost instantly) I tried to smoothly transition out of it to the best of my ability. He's a no-nonsense dude so we never talked about it and I did not feel he needed (or even wanted) an explanation. Of all the people this mistake could have happened with, my bro's Samoan friend is probably one of the guys I'd least want it to happen with. Luckily, I get over things that are supposed to be embarrassing super quickly and I did not feel awkward hanging out with him during the day the kiss happened or any time thereafter.

 

Also, I did NOT have alcohol in my system. So if your friend's husband had drinks, I can see where he might accidentally do something like you described.

Edited May 2, 2016 by S_A