Thinking of entering LDR - thoughts?

[sillychick]

Hello

 

This is all so new to me and I'm just not sure where to start.

 

The story goes like this. We are both in our mid 40's and we have both been divorced about 5-6 years. I have dated quite a bit (a lot actually, just not found the one), he has not dated much at all as his kids are younger and he has them quite a bit.

 

My kids are adults. Still living home but will probably be out on their own within 1-2 years. His kids are younger, about 14 and 17. He has full custody although they see their mother.

 

We went to High School together although we weren't friends. We had some of the same friends but didn't know each other.

 

We came together end of last year to help a mutual friend and met that way. This past weekend we met in real life and spent the weekend with other high school friends in a reunion type setting.

 

Definitely something between us. We only kissed that weekend and nothing more. We have talked about it at length and we're just not sure what we will do about it.

 

We both live in the united states, about 1000 miles away.

 

It will be about 4 years before we can live in the same state. I would say once his youngest graduates from High School.

 

To be honest, I don't want to move from where I am. He hates it where he is and would love to move back here. I live close to where we both grew up and he loves it here. But he's the one who can't move for about 4 years.

 

I'm sure that there are no real 'rules'. But if there were rules about Long Distance Relationships what would they be?

 

I would guess we could only see each other maybe every other month for a weekend and then maybe once or twice a year take 1 week together. Either vacation someplace or at each other's places.

 

Is that enough? We're both older and not looking to get married, start a family, etc.. We're both very settled in our lives.

 

I do think he would move to me but not for years.

 

Do you have rules set up with your relationships regarding contact? Code words when you need to make sure you're o.k?

 

I have never thought about being in this type of relationship so I'm not sure what else to ask.

 

For right now, until we get to see each other again (2 months?) we have decided to just be friends and it's o.k to explore anything else if we were to meet someone else. Live our lives and stay in touch and find time to see each other for a weekend and see where it goes.

 

Any advice? Thank you!!

[hippychick3]

At this point, you are just friends. It will be difficult to maintain a LDR if you're not crazy in love with each other. That would have to be established in person, so you'd have to spend more time together for that to happen.

 

Being in a LDR is basically sacrificing any opportunity to meet and be with someone closer. I can't see that happening with just a friendship or even the beginning stages of a relationship.

 

I would stay friends but keep your options open and don't even consider LDR as an option until or if you have established a wonderful loving relationship with him.

[sillychick]

Very good points thank you.

 

That was a bit of my take too. That for this to work, we would really have to be crazy about each other to have to sacrifice what we would sacrifice to make it work in the long term.

 

So we'll keep it friends and see if it grows from there and then make decisions based on relationships later depending on if it grows.

 

Thank you again!

[BonnieParker]

Hi there! After being in a diststrous ldr myself (see my thread right above yours lol), I think you two are right on point with no expectations to remain exclusive but still having a plan to be together in 4 years. And its key that you will get together once every other month! What's important is you stick to your weekend and vacation plans so too much time doesn't go by. And you two have communicated your visitation goals! My mistake was that I never communicated to him that I wanted to see him more than twice a year. I wanted 4 times- which actually would make a big difference to me! And we also don't have any discussions about the future. AND he gets jealous if I talk to other guys! I ended up just exploding on him lol. So you two have the recipe for success if it's meant to be )) and you've inspired me! Thanks!

[len51]

If you want an honest reply, her it is. The chances of a LDR succeeding is 20%. Those are low odds. One of the main problems is that as humans we need to physically be with those we love. Then there is the matter of no sex or infrequent sex. When we have sex, our brains release a hormone called Oxytocin. The effects of this hormone are well known. It emotionally bonds the couple together. It is sometimes called the Cuddle hormone. It is what brings you closer to your partner. It is designed to make two people want to be together and be intimate.

 

I guess if you are OK with no physical intimacy it might work but I have never seen it work with anyone I know. I had the same girlfriend throughout high school and we got engaged after we graduated. I joined the Army and went to Vietnam. Six months later my best friend told me that she was cheating on me. That was 45 years ago and only 7 years ago did she move close to me and told me that she was lonely and needed physical intimacy. She thought it could just be sex but she fell in love with the guy after having sex with him a few times. That was it for me as far as LDR go. Perhaps you can beat the odds but I would not waste my precious time trying to do so when there are so many people around that you can have the all important physical intimacy with.

[sillychick]

Thank you all for your replies!

 

I'll definitely give it a lot of thought before we officially enter into anything. For right now we are just living our lives and talking about spending another weekend together to see how things are between us and get to know each other better. I just have so many questions as I don't know what to look for.

 

The oxytocin argument is a good one. I agree with that for sure.

 

At least we're older and who knows maybe 4 years from now we'll both still be single and can explore this when it will be easier to move.

 

Thanks again!!

[unexpected]

First of all, let me say "kudos" to you for trying! I'm in a very similar situation as yours, right down to the ages and distance. I've never done this before, and neither has she, so we're learning as we go.

 

Let me start with the bad, but honest, news. This is WAY harder than I ever thought it would be....even being in our 40's (which I think increases the chances of an LDR working).

 

Let me share what I've learned. In order for an LDR to work you need many 'things' to work with you. Some you control, some you don't. For instance, it helps to have finances! This allows more travel opportunities and can increase the recurrence of physical time you can spend together. So, you have two things to contend with when trying to succeed in an LDR. One is logistics (finances and time). The other is the heart (desire to communicate, share, be honest, be vulnerable, etc). The hard truth is that you need BOTH of these things to work in order for an LDR to have any chance. All of the desire to communicate and be together does no good if you do not have the time or the finances to make it happen. Vice-versa, all of the time and money does nothing if one of the people in the LDR no longer wants to put forth the effort.

 

So, you may be wondering how my LDR is going? Well, it's been 7 months and, to be honest, we're in trouble! Why? Logistics! We both have the finances but the time no longer exists. Why? Because life often changes people's circumstances. My SO in the LDR has a 19 year old son. He has slipped into a very low time dealing with Major Depressive Disorder. This has caused my SO a tremendous amount of unexpected stress and has eaten up any time she has had for this LDR up to this point. For instance, in his current condition, her son's doctor is recommending he does not drive himself back and forth to treatment everyday. He is 19 and refused to do impatient care. So, my SO is stuck driving him back and forth (4 hours a day for outpatient care). He doesn't know about me and since part of his lapse into depression surrounds my SO's divorce from his father (2 years ago), I can't just come stay with her and she can't come see me. I suspect some of this might be him 'pretending' because he was fine until recently, about the same time she mentioned he was aware she was seeing somebody. Whether the major depression episode is a result of him knowing or whether he is acting up now that he knows.....I don't know. But, I would never ask a mother to choose me over her child. And, if he really is having a serious medical break down - I'd hate for him to off himself when she is with me and not watching him. We don't know how long it will be before he can drive himself to treatment and she can get away. We have talked about me going down to see her and staying in a hotel down the street. At least during the day we could hang out together and at night she would have to pick him up and take him home and sit with him.

 

As you can see, some unexpected things can come up, and likely will in an LDR. If they impact the core pieces (logistics and heart) they can be very hard to overcome. I chose early on to go with it and see what happens, knowing that it might end poorly. Our goal is to remain friends, regardless, and maybe we pick it up again later if we can't make it work now. Always leave the door open but don't close all other doors, either. We both waited for 20 years in bad marriages hoping we might have a chance again, and we got one. This time around, might not make it past the current dilemma. If not, maybe we catch up in 4 - 6 months and it makes sense again.

 

Just be prepared to take what is given and be satisfied, even if you were hoping for more. At least that way you enjoy the time you DO get!

 

Good luck!

[justwhoiam]

if there were rules about Long Distance Relationships what would they be?

Thinking about your situation, I'd say:

- see what your feelings really are

- then see if his feelings match yours

- if he's the lazy type, a LDR won't survive

- to make a LDR it takes commitment, love and lots of patience: do you both have those qualities?

 

we could only see each other maybe every other month for a weekend and then maybe once or twice a year take 1 week together. Either vacation someplace or at each other's places.

 

Is that enough?

I have endured that for 4 years, he did too. But I can't tell if you two would be able to. That's very subjective. If you want to know if that can be endured, then "yes" is the answer. We met few days ago and we're still in love like in the beginning.

 

Do you have rules set up with your relationships regarding contact?

We talk to each other every day. We can adapt to each other's schedules. We try to share stuff a lot, because just talking is not enough. Sharing is important too. Be it a song, some piece of news, something odd, whatever. And you need to see his behavior in the long run. That will say a lot about the man he is.

 

Code words when you need to make sure you're o.k?

It might be useful to have some one-letter code for emergencies. We used to have one, but we only used it a couple of times in all these years.

 

I guess now it's too early to say anything.

[smackie9]

Once the feelings grow, so does the frustration and loneliness.....the excitement dies down, and the lack of physical presents starts to weigh heavy. Insecurities set in when there is no contact or the contact dies down. There will be other opportunities for them to meet someone else.....and that may leave you out in the cold.

 

People say that won't happen we can trust each other....good luck with that.

 

Simple....no it's not worth it.

[justwhoiam]

the excitement dies down

I suppose I'm an exception then, because in almost 5 years, the excitement hasn't died down. For both.

[sillychick]

Thank you all so much for your responses. Unexpected that was a great read, thank you, thank you for taking that time. And I'm sorry about your present situation. I hope things improve and you get to see each other.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with each having the desire to see each other and make it work is so key.

 

I know there is no one size fits all answer but I appreciate everything you guys chimed in with.

 

For now we are planning a 4 day weekend within the next few months and we will go from there.

 

My job situation may change in the next couple years which may let me travel more often so it's possible we could do this in phases if it works out. Maybe 1-2 years of not as often, then 2 years of monthly and then we'll phase to living in the same place. It's really hard to say as you're right, when kids are involved (even adult kids!) there are things that come up and the kids should come first.

 

Thanks again!

[LittleTiger]

Hi sillychick. I can't speak for anyone else but, in my experience, a long term LDR can definitely work - if you're a good match and the feelings are there. We're 6 1/2 years in, with probably at least another 5 to go, and we're still happy and in love. We were both early/mid-40s when we met, 12,000 miles apart (now reduced to 10,000) and we're only together for two or three months a year. It works for us.

 

I'm not sure where Len51 got his 20% statistic but I'd say that's pretty good odds. Especially when we know that only 50% of marriages survive and who knows what the stats are for all other relationships...probably around 90%+ failure would be my guess.

 

Life is for living. If you really hit it off romantically you'll be wondering why you even bothered to ask this question in the first place!

[Els]

I can't comment on having a LDR with kids, but I can comment on LDRs in general. My partner and I were in a LDR for 2 years - we closed the distance after that and are still together now, several years down the road. So I definitely wouldn't agree with claims that all LDRs are doomed.

 

That being said, I do think that they are much more difficult than the average relationship, and that you need to have something VERY special to be convinced that it will work and that it will be worth it. If you are both deciding to 'see other people and be friends' for the next 2 months, I would question how strong the feelings/connection is. It's possible that in this case it may not be worth it. Only you can decide.

 

Best of luck!

[sillychick]

It's so nice to hear from you who say that it's working for you!

 

When I say that for now we're going to be friends and open to seeing others, it more has to do with the newness of this.

 

I'm a slow mover in general, and we have been on the equivalent of let's say 3 dates. Typically after 3 dates I wouldn't make the decision to be bf/gf and exclusive and not see other people even if we lived in the same town. So I think that's just me and my pace.

 

We kissed just a little bit and nothing else physical. So really just exploring for now. We know it will be difficult and we know that chemistry/emotions would have to be really strong to decide to just dive in, knowing how difficult it could be.

 

I really liked hearing how it works for some of you. I'm a very independent woman and I'm so used to doing everything on my own and never feel like I 'need' someone with me. I've also been pretty much single for 6 years now. When we get together (we're planning a 4 day weekend hoping to confirm which weekend soon) and spend more one on one time together and be intimate with each other, I think we'll know more about our feelings by then.

 

Thanks!!

[HopeForTomorrow]

Sillychick, I think you are going about this in the right way.

 

I am about your age and in a similar life situation as you. I have a lot of experience in LDRs, and will probably continue to have that experience in the future as (like your potential partner) I have a daughter who is 15 and I don't like where I'm living so I don't want to date men here and get stuck here. In 2 or 3 years I will be out of here so fast there will be skid marks. And like your potential partner, I can move anywhere I want. That remains to be seen, but I will definitely move. I am extremely independent.

 

For purposes of this post I"ll focus on my LDR relationship that was longest (several years). It ended a few years ago. You asked what "rules" there are in LDRs. I think that depends on the particular people, but 3 things are critical: 1) seeing each other as frequently as possible; 2) good communication when not together (phone, email, text, etc); and 3) trust. And you need 2 people who really, really want it to work.

 

My longest LDR was similar to yours in that we were friends first (the friendship was all built through online). We became best friends first, then fell in love. We had constant communication, every day and usually for hours a day. What we didn't do was meet or spend any time together until well after the first year was over. Yes there was frustration, but mostly anticipation, because we knew we had time.

 

Both of us had formed a visual, intellectual, and emotional impression of what the other person was like. I have to admit, when first meeting, I was scared to death that this impression would be wrong. But we talked about it afterward and both agreed that except for small details, it was right on in both cases. We had communicated well enough to really know each other, and when meeting, the things that were not exactly accurate in our mind just got revised automatically to create this new, more accurate version of the person.

 

I think that's why it's so important to see each other as much as you can. It's the only way to put the whole picture together with what you form in your mind. In your case, it will take awhile to get that picture in your mind (and I get that you've already met him) but the more time you spend together, the more time you formulate that accurate picture and complete it and add detail. That's why, based on my experiences, when I read here that people insist that you can't love someone before meeting them or after spending just a little time with them, I don't agree. I think you can, if you have that connection and that communication and that bond. But you have to take it from there, into the real world, and see him as much as you can. That's the tricky part of an LDR. Do you want to spend time on planes? Experience those emotional airport scenes that I never hope to repeat? Those parts do suck. They just do.

 

That LDR ended because of issues not related to the distance, although the opportunity is still there.

 

In my most recent LDR which ended not very long ago, I made the mistake of thinking things would work the same way they did the first time. Big mistake, different person. We waited too long to spend time together (on me). Long sordid story but just reinforces what I said above. Also, I don't think we were able to form 'real' visions of who we both really were. Not enough trust and too much doubt.

 

I wish you the best if you decide to go ahead. I will end by saying that if and when you get to the point with this man where you have that hurricane, you won't ask whether or not to enter into an LDR. It will just be the only choice, because you two will want only each other.

[sillychick]

 

 

 

I wish you the best if you decide to go ahead. I will end by saying that if and when you get to the point with this man where you have that hurricane, you won't ask whether or not to enter into an LDR. It will just be the only choice, because you two will want only each other.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. This is the way I think of it too. Right now, we both know that what we're talking about could be difficult, but we also both don't want to let it go either. Even now it sometimes feels like there is no other choice than to pursue it because we both really like each other and want to see each other again

 

Thanks!!!

[LittleTiger]

A word of caution sillychick...

 

You're obviously old enough to know the difference that physical intimacy can make when it comes to 'falling in love' so do remember that if you're planning to get intimate the next time you meet.

 

In our case, we were both 'hooked' on one another long before we became intimate. From the minute we met we both felt it was a done deal. I live in the UK and he was in New Zealand, but we couldn't have walked away from one another even if we'd wanted to. Six and a half years later, whatever it was that pulled us together is still there.

 

Everyone is different but I think it would be tough, if not impossible, to hold a relationship together long distance if the bond is only apparent after physical intimacy. My advice would be to wait. Either way, I wish you well and I hope it works out for both of you.