Getting over fear of emotional intimacy

[JustGettingBy]

Does anyone have any advice on how to tackle my fear of intimacy. I've recently wanted to try as I've noticed it was getting bad based on my ability to talk in any way about how I feel about anything important. I'm not even sure I would properly benefit from a therapist simply due to the emotional intimacy required to tell a therapist some of the more fine details of my personal situation.

[carhill]

Psychologists are well-trained in navigating issues like fears, in this case of intimacy. Once you task them to work a particular issue, they have the tools to guide you at your own pace through it.

 

How do things go with a good friend of the same gender? Do find it easy or difficult or ?? to form and maintain friendships?

[JustGettingBy]

Psychologists are well-trained in navigating issues like fears, in this case of intimacy. Once you task them to work a particular issue, they have the tools to guide you at your own pace through it.

 

How do things go with a good friend of the same gender? Do find it easy or difficult or ?? to form and maintain friendships?

 

I find it difficult to make friends, but can easily maintain friends with people of both genders. However, I find it difficult to talk about almost anything I find at all emotional or personal.

[carhill]

Say a friend suffers a loss, like a loved one dies. Is it hard for you to empathize and give them a hug and offer a few words of condolence? I'm trying to get a feel for what you struggle with.

 

My problem was the reverse, in that I was never taught proper male boundaries growing up and ended up too 'emo' so women loved me, a lot, as someone they could be very intimate with but didn't find me attractive because of it casting a feminine pall on my maleness. I had to learn to emo less and become more distant and unemotional and less empathetic. That was a real problem in my marriage and something we addressed in MC.

 

Conversely, my exW had your issue, where it was difficult to talk about intimate stuff with the psychologist, so we had to work that slowly. That aspect was probably part of her attraction to me initially but it didn't flip the sexual desire switch long-term.

 

IMO, the only way to deal with this is to plug forward and just work through it. It's like any challenge. The only failure is in not trying.

[JustGettingBy]

Say a friend suffers a loss, like a loved one dies. Is it hard for you to empathize and give them a hug and offer a few words of condolence? I'm trying to get a feel for what you struggle with.

 

My problem was the reverse, in that I was never taught proper male boundaries growing up and ended up too 'emo' so women loved me, a lot, as someone they could be very intimate with but didn't find me attractive because of it casting a feminine pall on my maleness. I had to learn to emo less and become more distant and unemotional and less empathetic. That was a real problem in my marriage and something we addressed in MC.

 

Conversely, my exW had your issue, where it was difficult to talk about intimate stuff with the psychologist, so we had to work that slowly. That aspect was probably part of her attraction to me initially but it didn't flip the sexual desire switch long-term.

 

IMO, the only way to deal with this is to plug forward and just work through it. It's like any challenge. The only failure is in not trying.

 

I'm able to say something like "that's too bad" or "my condolences", but that's it. If someone is having trouble after the first few minutes, I can't figure out anything to say or do. If the person wants to talk about how close they were with the person who died, I immediately get uncomfortable, and I think it shows on my face, as they usually switch the topic when talking to me, but will talk to other friends for long periods of time about it. If one of my loved ones dies, I can't even get into those details unless someone really pushes it.

[carhill]

You just posted up your opener with a competent psychologist. They love this kind of clarity. Try it out. Often, you can interview one for free or for a reduced rate. I think I paid ours 99 bucks per session and we had 50-some of them so do the math. Worth every dollar spent. Only way to know is to go. An online forum like this is great for support and discussion but IMO a professional is your healthiest solution to this.

[JustGettingBy]

You just posted up your opener with a competent psychologist. They love this kind of clarity. Try it out. Often, you can interview one for free or for a reduced rate. I think I paid ours 99 bucks per session and we had 50-some of them so do the math. Worth every dollar spent. Only way to know is to go. An online forum like this is great for support and discussion but IMO a professional is your healthiest solution to this.

 

 

Thanks, I'll look into one.

[Souldier1234]

Dear one

 

I know this thread is about Getting over fear of emotional intimacy, but I have only a few questions for you, regarding whats going on in your head.

 

Do you find yourself always thinking about your life situations. Do you see yourself as a person who is always thinking and sometimes not always present?

 

And are you really willing to let go of everything and become a better version of you or have you decided that you gonna stay the person you have identified in your mind, good or bad because it is all you know?

 

And please remember, I ask all these with no judgements.

[JustGettingBy]

Dear one

 

I know this thread is about Getting over fear of emotional intimacy, but I have only a few questions for you, regarding whats going on in your head.

 

Do you find yourself always thinking about your life situations. Do you see yourself as a person who is always thinking and sometimes not always present?

 

And are you really willing to let go of everything and become a better version of you or have you decided that you gonna stay the person you have identified in your mind, good or bad because it is all you know?

 

And please remember, I ask all these with no judgements.

 

---I don't think I'm either extreme. I try to concentrate on what's happening, but occasionally get lost in thought

 

---Define 'let go of everything'

[Souldier1234]

---Define 'let go of everything'

 

Dear one, let me clarify this matter and bring light towards it.

 

People who do exteme sports all speak of a rush, an adrenaline that is close to an out of body experience that it keeps them coming back for more. What we fail to see in ourselves is that we are no different from these extreme sports beings. It is not a personality thing. You personality is a personal and cultural conditioning you adopted over the years. Something instilled in your mind, not your being. Fear is all in your mind. When extreme sports beings engage in their death defying activities, they are not thinking of fear, they are not their personaties, they have no time to think, they are letting go of everthything and they are just being. They are present, they live in the now. Not the past, not their future, not their minds, but in the moment of life.

 

To let go of fear and everything, is to let go all that is in your mind. Your mind is a powerful tool that is great at solving puzzles, not a place to define yourself.

Please believe me when I say, you are powerful beyond measure, beyond thought, beyond your personal and cultural conditioning. Fear or discomfort of any kind has no place in your body or your being because real power never leaves you. It is always within.

 

Letting go is living in the present, whenever you find yourself faced with unfomfort or pain or fear, realise, where you are and what you doing in your life in that moment, that present moment. Forget your past and its pain, forget your future with its worries. Live in the now. Be free to express your being, your inner light.

 

Intimacy and feeling connected to one another gives life meaning, helps you grow, spread healing and elevates you to become the better version of you. Fear is you mind seperating you from the world, keeping you stuck and never growing, making you believe you are fearful person, keeping you trapped in your pain and your worries.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Souldier1234

[JustGettingBy]

Dear one, let me clarify this matter and bring light towards it.

 

People who do exteme sports all speak of a rush, an adrenaline that is close to an out of body experience that it keeps them coming back for more. What we fail to see in ourselves is that we are no different from these extreme sports beings. It is not a personality thing. You personality is a personal and cultural conditioning you adopted over the years. Something instilled in your mind, not your being. Fear is all in your mind. When extreme sports beings engage in their death defying activities, they are not thinking of fear, they are not their personaties, they have no time to think, they are letting go of everthything and they are just being. They are present, they live in the now. Not the past, not their future, not their minds, but in the moment of life.

 

To let go of fear and everything, is to let go all that is in your mind. Your mind is a powerful tool that is great at solving puzzles, not a place to define yourself.

Please believe me when I say, you are powerful beyond measure, beyond thought, beyond your personal and cultural conditioning. Fear or discomfort of any kind has no place in your body or your being because real power never leaves you. It is always within.

 

Letting go is living in the present, whenever you find yourself faced with unfomfort or pain or fear, realise, where you are and what you doing in your life in that moment, that present moment. Forget your past and its pain, forget your future with its worries. Live in the now. Be free to express your being, your inner light.

 

Intimacy and feeling connected to one another gives life meaning, helps you grow, spread healing and elevates you to become the better version of you. Fear is you mind seperating you from the world, keeping you stuck and never growing, making you believe you are fearful person, keeping you trapped in your pain and your worries.

 

 

I can do my best, but I'm pretty sure most of what I think is due to a conjugative bias due to my past on an unconscious level.

[Souldier1234]

I can do my best, but I'm pretty sure most of what I think is due to a conjugative bias due to my past on an unconscious level.

I am glad you have brought this up. Recognizing that you are dealing with the past on an unconscious level is exactly what you are doing. Some answers we already know what they may be but we choose to deny them. But I am glad you are accepting this truth. Your truth.

 

Being unconscious is living in your mind. The mind is an egoistic state. It feeds and lives of anger, fear, disappointment, neediness, anxiety, depression and only looks for happiness and validation, in people and things, making you look outside of yourself. How many times have you heard a person say that they were so angry that they lost their minds and weren't aware of what they were saying or doing. This is unconsciousness to the highest degree. Please do not identify yourself through the mind. Thinking that you are a fearful person makes you believe you are and keeps feeding your egoistic state, keeping you further away from the truth and keeping you separated from the world.

 

To live consciously is to be aware. To live and experience the world now. Your mind can only keep you in your past and future and cannot survive the now. When you live in the present, you break free from the ego and selfishness, and bring healing to yourself. You bring happiness to your self. You bring evolution to your consciousness and grow to be the better person you know you are, and not the person you think you are.

 

Let go of everything Dear one. Please do not continue living this suffering and pain when freedom, happiness and salvation are right there with you. Within you.

Give your life meaning. Please do not be a prisoner of your past, but be the architect of your future.