LDR Drama!

[BonnieParker]

Hello, I am inquiring for honest, objective opinions pertaining to a ldr dating situation I'm in- any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

 

I have been in a long distance relationship with a man who lives 8 hours away for going on two years now. It started after he was located here for work. He was here for three months; during that time we fell in love. I am confident our love is mutual and reciprocated- it's nothing like we have either felt before.

 

We decided to continue to communicate through lots of texting and phone convo. We ended up seeing each other twice last year via each of us driving 4 hours one way and 4 back to see each other for a weekend. This was not enough for me but I took what I could get. The distance got hard and as as result we were on-again off-again (we still are :/).

 

This year I saw him once at the end of January; it has now been three months and he is sending me all these sexy pics and I want him physically. During the past three months, he tells me he will see me "soon", but no certain date or plans in sight. He told me he's not seeing anyone else but content being alone and seeing me as he feels like (which isn't as often as I'd like). He has also stated on more than one occasion that women are not a priority in his life. And that this is why he is happy with our situation. I am separated and dealing with my family situation; he's a single work- traveling man.

 

 

This time I have been trying hard to wait for him, but the other day after he sent me all these hot pics I about lost my mind and put him on the spot. I told him I need his love and he needs to see me in two weeks because I'm "starving". He asked me if I was giving him ultimatums. Then I told him another guy I used to see hit me up and wants to see me within the next month or two (this was true). He quickly broke up with me.

 

Was I in the wrong? Is it reasonable to ask him to make the 8 hour round trip visit to see me once every three months? That's what I want. Was I wrong to tell him about the other guy? I knew it would hurt him, but I figured it would be best to be honest with him rather than have him ask and find out down the road as he has done before. .

THANKS!!!

[hippychick3]

No, you're not wrong.

 

This man is completely emotionally unavailable...whether or not he is seeing other women, he is not relationship material. LDR's require continuous regular and PLANNED visits where both people's needs are being met. It requires a deep love that can overcome the distance. Aside from that, 8 hours is a very long distance that is probably too long for him. Even a couple very much in love would have problems maintaining a relationship of that distance.

 

Go out with the local guy and if that doesn't work out, continue to look for men closer to you.

[sillychick]

Hi

 

A few things here.

 

No, you're not wrong for wanting to see him more than you are.

 

I guess my thoughts are that if this guy lived closer and was treating you like this, would it be enough for you? Most likely not.

 

Maybe he does love you and really want to be with you but his priorities are on his work right now. That could be true. BUT it's not enough for you. Your needs are different than his. Sometimes it's as simple as that.

 

I personally wouldn't have told him about the other guy. When you're communicating with someone you have to sometimes ask yourself why you're revealing the information you are revealing. If you're honest with yourself, you know that you told him that in the hopes he would hop in his car and be on his way to you and to ask you not to see that other guy. I'm being dramatic but I'm sure you get my meaning.

 

Those two situations should be separate. If this relationship isn't working for you, then just tell him it's not working for you and that will make you free to explore other options. He doesn't need to know what those options are. He just needs to know that this isn't working for you so you're moving on.

 

Telling him about the other guy is more manipulative, let's say. Since you told him hoping for a certain outcome.

 

I drive all the time, I have relatives 5 hours away that I go to see many times a year. To me, 8 hours is not so much that you can't make plans to see each other say maybe every other month, take a three day weekend. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

And to me, the fact that he's not offering that and you have to ask for it just shows his mind is not in the same place.

 

And again, if he can't do that it doesn't mean that he doesn't like you in the same way you like him, it could just mean that his relationship needs are different. Again, maybe not a good match is all.

 

He's not treating you the way he should treat you. He might have someone else, he might be preoccupied with his work, etc.

 

So you really just have to ask yourself if this is working for you and if it's not, then change it.

 

If you're hoping that you'll get back together, then just wait it out. If he misses you he will come back. Then maybe at that point you can re-evaluate and re-negotiate what your relationship will look like.

 

Good luck to you!!!

[BonnieParker]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. The reason why I threw the other guy out there was because my long distance guy always ends up asking me if I've been with anyone else. So if we got back together, he would have ended up

Finding out and getting mad. But yes maybe there was a little manipulation mixed in with that reason. My confession had two purposes.

You're right about our needs being different. I should have just kept it simple. His mind would have ended up wandering to me with another guy anyway on his own.

[BonnieParker]

Thank

You all for your advice and words of wisdom. It's definitely giving me a clear explanation of how things unfolded and what I could have done differently.

 

I did end up sending him an email apologizing and saying that our needs right now are different. :*