Its Happening To Me, Fallling In Love With My Fiance's Best Friend!

[leahjay92]

So before anyway hits me with "You dont love or care for your fiance" I assure you, very deeply in my heart, i do care for him and I love him very dearly.

 

But there is more to this story than some attention seeking cow commiting the ultimate betrayal.

No trolls please, I just want some honest advice, laying everything out honestly on the table. For the sake of our identities I will call my partner Scott and his best friend Chris.

 

So me and Scott went to school together, we never really spoke,

A few years and a few disaster relationships later I was in a bar with some close friends and he came over to me and apologised for being an idiot and told me i looked amazing since school, I knew he had a reputation for getting round the ladies so stayed clear for a few months then we started chatting on social media, cut a long story short 3 years later were in a rental property together and getting married in 13 months.

 

Our relationship was a tricky one to start with, constantly commenting on other women making crude comments making me feel utter crap really, the excitement was there and love life was amazing, I knew he was lazy by how much his mother had to do for him, but we moved in together as soon as we became engaged.

 

This is where the doubts started, he was lazy and sluggish. He did the same job he had done whilst living with his parents but became quickly reliant on his playstation, typical. Doesnt cook, clean, want to move after his fairly easy day job. I work the same hours in a fast paced environment and must find the time to find time to do all the housework cooking laundry etc. Which after over a year is getting me quite down by this point, not only is he lazy but barely notices i exist unless its to ask me whats for dinner? "Too tired" for any physical contact or any form of emotion towards myself, which is hard to belive as he has an easy job and does naff all once he arrived home. So this has niggled at me for some time. Cons aside, he is a very generous thoughtfull man and worships the ground i work on without a doubt but i cant seem to shake this huge weight off everytime im in the kitchen cleaning his clothes and cooking his dinner, "Is this going to be MY LIFE?"

 

Id known his best friend Chris for the whole 2 years wed been together so far, their personalities are extremely identical which is almost scary and i often have to double check who i am talking to, but they differ in one MASSIVE way. Chris, basically has his **** together. Cooks, cleans, practices self hygiene on a regular basis (Scott barely "has the time", apparently), has a good job but still lives with parents etc, understandable.

 

The 'Fling' started last september, I was heading out with my girls and Scott invited Chris round, half way through the night I had a strange message from Chris saying "He is crazy, youd have my all". Which gave me an immense knot in my throat. We started chatting over text for months and grew a connection fast, one thing that always niggled me as silly as it may seem is he never asked me how my day had been or if i was okay etc, strange but still to this day hardly ever does.

 

On a night out together once he brushed past me and kissed me on the cheek and i was just overwhelmed, since then we have met a few times, ive no idea what is going on really but the thought of not having time alone with him sickens me to be honest.

 

 

Whenever we all get together, Scott , Chris, a few of his other friends and mine. Its like theres a huge connection and we cant help but exchange glances and the odd touch. He knows me and Scott are having problems and kind of sticks up for him but then he's all over me, and well I like it, I like the attention, But i also like him, ive grown very very fond of him. He gives me butterflies like no one ever else has, Scott has never really made me feel sexually wanted or desired, hes just a fully grown toddler who makes me feel like his fkat made rather than a desireable woman, and I dont need anyone to tell me this isnt fogging my vision hugely because im aware it will be. Chris is so attentive and caring and i just love everything about him. Its a very tricky situation. I know he has feelings for me, but partly I know hes excited the whole forbidden fruit situation but he has told me he wishes we could grow (whatever that means). I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me, big or small, has this happened to you or happening to you?

Edited April 26, 2016 by leahjay92

[Adoraxx]

It's very simple really, thankfully you're not married to Scott yet!

 

Step 1: End the engagement with Scott!

Step 2: Just be on your own for your while and see what/ who comes on your path.

 

I really don't understand why you're still with Scott!!

[renaissancewoman]

You need to break off your engagement immediately. You are in no place to be getting married and making a life commitment if you are disrespecting your relationship in such a way. To choose to marry someone means you forsake all others. You aren't capable of that right now. and you need to come clean to your fiancé about your affair. Chris doesn't sound like a man of high character to be pursuing his supposed best friend's fiancée. I would have a hard time trusting him in any sort of relationship.

[Satu]

For the sake of your integrity, you should tell your fiancee, call off the wedding, and move out.

 

It would be a big mistake to marry someone for whom you carry so much resentment.

 

 

Take care.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Satu

[Miss Clavel]

regardless who may or may not be waiting in the wings, it's time to end your engagement and move out. start packing stealthy, go round to your parents and explain that you are no longer willing to take on an over grown baby as a mate.

 

believe me, everyone in your life is gonna be happy you came to your senses.

and it sounds to me like your fiance won't even notice you're gone, well, not right away anyway.

 

once you're free, hopefully your ex's bff will get free as well and you can start to see where this might go. he might just want sex or he might just like getting one over on his mate. time will tell.

 

 

 

good luck

[imperfectangel]

I don't think there's any reason to tell and put him through that pain. End it obviously but he doesn't need to know move on away from BOTH men

[sunburned]

So before anyway hits me with "You dont love or care for your fiance" I assure you, very deeply in my heart, i do care for him and I love him very dearly.

 

But there is more to this story than some attention seeking cow commiting the ultimate betrayal.

 

 

 

 

Our relationship was a tricky one to start with, constantly commenting on other women making crude comments making me feel utter crap really, the excitement was there and love life was amazing, I knew he was lazy by how much his mother had to do for him, but we moved in together as soon as we became engaged.

 

This is where the doubts started, he was lazy and sluggish. He did the same job he had done whilst living with his parents but became quickly reliant on his playstation, typical. Doesnt cook, clean, want to move after his fairly easy day job. I work the same hours in a fast paced environment and must find the time to find time to do all the housework cooking laundry etc. Which after over a year is getting me quite down by this point, not only is he lazy but barely notices i exist unless its to ask me whats for dinner? "Too tired" for any physical contact or any form of emotion towards myself, which is hard to belive as he has an easy job and does naff all once he arrived home. So this has niggled at me for some time. Cons aside, he is a very generous thoughtfull man and worships the ground i work on without a doubt but i cant seem to shake this huge weight off everytime im in the kitchen cleaning his clothes and cooking his dinner, "Is this going to be MY LIFE?"

 

Id known his best friend Chris for the whole 2 years wed been together so far, their personalities are extremely identical which is almost scary and i often have to double check who i am talking to, but they differ in one MASSIVE way. Chris, basically has his **** together. Cooks, cleans, practices self hygiene on a regular basis (Scott barely "has the time", apparently), has a good job but still lives with parents etc, understandable.

 

The 'Fling' started last september, I was heading out with my girls and Scott invited Chris round, half way through the night I had a strange message from Chris saying "He is crazy, youd have my all". Which gave me an immense knot in my throat. We started chatting over text for months and grew a connection fast, one thing that always niggled me as silly as it may seem is he never asked me how my day had been or if i was okay etc, strange but still to this day hardly ever does.

 

On a night out together once he brushed past me and kissed me on the cheek and i was just overwhelmed, since then we have met a few times, ive no idea what is going on really but the thought of not having time alone with him sickens me to be honest.

 

 

Whenever we all get together, Scott , Chris, a few of his other friends and mine. Its like theres a huge connection and we cant help but exchange glances and the odd touch. He knows me and Scott are having problems and kind of sticks up for him but then he's all over me, and well I like it, I like the attention, But i also like him, ive grown very very fond of him. He gives me butterflies like no one ever else has, Scott has never really made me feel sexually wanted or desired, hes just a fully grown toddler who makes me feel like his fkat made rather than a desireable woman, and I dont need anyone to tell me this isnt fogging my vision hugely because im aware it will be. Chris is so attentive and caring and i just love everything about him. Its a very tricky situation. I know he has feelings for me, but partly I know hes excited the whole forbidden fruit situation but he has told me he wishes we could grow (whatever that means). I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me, big or small, has this happened to you or happening to you?

 

When we cheat, there is a tendency to recreate history with our spouse or significant other (in your case, Scott). You raved about your incredible love life early in your post then later say he's always "too tired" for physical contact and that he fails to make you feel like a "desirable woman." You say you like Chris because he is "attentive and caring." Early in your post, you also call Scott "very generous" and "thoughtful." You said he "worships the ground you walk on." Then you later note his sexual comments about other women, his laziness, his treating you like a cooking/cleaning flat mate. That is not worshiping the ground you walk on. He sounds like an @ss to me, but I'm just wondering if we're getting the real picture. As Satu noted, it is clear you resent Scott. You should not marry him and, honestly, you shouldn't even consider a relationship with Chris, a guy perfectly willing to sell out his best friend for "forbidden fruit."

 

Your story is not "tricky." It's pretty simple. You are critical of your fiance for not having his shi*t together, but I think it's time you get your sh*t together emotionally. Both of these guys have a lot of growing up to do. And Scott's laziness and reliance on you and his mother for day-to-day living will not improve once you are married. It will get worse because you will be expected to cover whatever it is his mommy is currently handling. I'm guessing your are in your early 20s, you've admitted to enjoying the attention you get from Chris and that's fine, this is the time in your life to do that. But it also suggests you are not ready to marry anyone and certainly not Scott.

[anika99]

First of all this isn't "happening to" you. You are making it happen and you chose for it to happen. One important step to growing up is to realize that you control your life and to take responsibility for your choices and your actions. You chose to start having secret text conversations and secret meetings with this guy, so this fling didn't just happen, you chose for it to happen.

 

Dump Scott. He obviously lacks the maturity and respect to be a good husband and you obviously have lost all respect for him. Marriage to each other at this point would be a huge mistake. Get rid of Chris. He is sorely lacking in the character and integrity department. A good guy doesn't put the moves on his best friends girl. Be on your own for a while so that you also can grow up and become a person who is honest and loyal. When a relationship becomes as lousy as you describe your relationship with Scott then it's time to end the relationship, it's not time to cheat.

[ChickiePops]

Leah, if you read back over your own post, you have absolutely nothing good to say about Scott. Doesn't that tell you something?

 

As Anika said above, Chris is not the great guy you think he is if he's so willing to mess around with his so-called best friends fiancé. If it was your best friend who was sleeping with Scott behind your back, you wouldn't think much of her would you?

[whichwayisup]

He is a sheep in wolf disguise. This guy is NO true friend to your fiancee, sorry but he's secretly making moves on his best bud's future wife. This didn't 'just' happen, you're continually investing in it and allowing feelings to grow instead of distancing yourself from him and telling him to leave you alone - you're inviting him and the feelings into your life.

 

So what if you and your fiancee are having problems. Fix those and focus on him if you love him so much. Otherwise, call off the wedding and go for the other guy...Continuing an A behind your fiancee's back is only making your situation more complicated and innocent people like your fiancee is going to be hurt. or end your engagement and be on your own for a while.

So before anyway hits me with "You dont love or care for your fiance" I assure you, very deeply in my heart, i do care for him and I love him very dearly.

 

Sadly, your actions show otherwise. You may care about him deeply but you certainly aren't head over heels in love with him nor truly respect him. If you did, none of this would be happening. Something in you is broken so please don't blame your relationship issues on why you're looking outside of your R and allowing feelings to grow for his best friend.

 

You're making a huge mistake by going down this road and it won't be long before you two are busted.

Edited April 26, 2016 by whichwayisup

[stillafool]

OP, If you really feel that way why haven't you broken up with your fiance, moved out and with Chris by now? What is stopping you?

[FusionCutter]

You rave about how Chris has his s*** together, but it's time you need to get YOUR emotional s*** together.

[whichwayisup]

I have to point out just so you don't feel like everybody is picking on you, the truth is most of these ladies have been in your shoes and are trying to prevent you from making the biggest mistake of your life. They are harsh but it's a reality check that you need to understand so please don't take anything personally, just try to keep an open mind and take a step back..People are trying to help you genuinely.

 

If your best friend was doing this, what would your advice be to her? Apply that to your situation.

[heartwhole]

Can you explain why you are marrying Scott?

[SomethingToSay]

I know he has feelings for me.

 

 

No he doesn't have feelings for you. Not the kind you are thinking of. I can assure you based on the little you've written, that this is just a thrill thing for him. Like you said, he doesn't ask how your day was or how you are. Lol um....don't ignore that!

 

 

he has told me he wishes we could grow (whatever that means)

 

 

the translation for this statement, is that he "wishes" circumstances were different (ie in a fantasy world) but he certainly has no intention of making the circumstances different (ie asking you to leave your fiancé, assuring you that he will be in a relationship with you if you do)

 

 

Like everyone else says, you have no reason being with a fiancé who is lazy and who you don't respect and are already cheating on before marriage. The best thing to do is end the relationship with the fiancé. Don't expect Chris to be waiting in the wings to sweep you off your feet either. After all, why would he want to be in a serious relationship with someone whose proven to him he wouldn't be able to trust!

[Grapesofwrath]

Leah: you are in the fortunate position of being able to make changes without involving children, the courts, or your finances. Use that to your advantage. While we're on that note, be sure your birth control method is solid right now. An unplanned pregnancy will make this situation much more difficult.

 

I would advise you to end things with Scott, first and foremost. Do this right away. Move out, or ask him to move out, whatever is needed. The relationship sounds unfulfilling for you, and it will NOT improve with time or marriage. As others have pointed out, the situation will only get worse. Do this because it is the right thing for you to do for yourself, not because you are drawn to his (disloyal) friend. It is tempting to try to have a soft place to land after a break-up, but it only undermines your integrity and credibility so avoid this path.

 

FWIW, Scott shows some signs of a cheater himself. The note given to you by Chris (that you would have his "all") made me question whether he was implying that Scott gives his attention elsewhere. Just a hunch, but some of the other signs seem to add up.

 

Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like you are all quite young and not ready yet for marriage. There is no need to rush into marriage. Remove yourself from this situation, let time do its magic, and learn from the experience.

[Darren Steez]

Can you explain why you are marrying Scott?

 

Explanation bingo. Words to look for : I love him, I care about him, we work well together...

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, you are really not ready to get married to anyone.

 

Give it a few more years. You'll see things a bit differently.

 

Seriously.

[RecentChange]

Yikes!!!!

 

Even if you take Chris out of this scenario, PLEASE do not get married!

 

Everything you are complaining about now will get worse - often 10 fold. People do not change for the better after marriage, rather, usually get even more "comfortable" and set in their ways.

 

Unless you think you would be happy working long hours, slaving at home for zero thanks, topped with a sexless marriage... (which you wouldn't come on!)

 

Count yourself LUCKY. That you have seen his true colors BEFORE you got married. Your whole life is still ahead of you - right now you have the power to change its course.

 

Don't get married! and don't get pregnant!!

[leahjay92]

Wow!! Did not log on for a few days and did not even expect one reply. I appreciate each and every reply and everyone's opinion. It has really helped. I feel sick at the thought of loosing scott, i feel like ill never be able to geg any better than him. My mother tells me his personality and kindness are worth putting up with his lazines etc but i dont agree. I don't feel like I'm being picked on, I have fairly thick skin lol.

I'm in my late 20s for those who wondered.

Edited April 28, 2016 by leahjay92

[Bufo]

Be very careful here. Do some thorough analysis of this situation.

 

First. Are you using this current fantasy with Chris to act out your doubts about marrying Scott? You have succinctlly stated your doubts about Scott. Are you using thoughts about Chris to reinforce those doubts?

 

Second. Chris may also be using you as a game piece in his game with Scott. It is not unheard of that "bros" can be very competitive. Money, job, car, the whole GQ lifestyle thing. One more victory is attracting his woman. Particularly if she is engaged to the friend/rival.

 

And, finally, what is the state of Chris' love life? Do you even know? If he has a significant other, would it change your view of him? Or are you just honing OW skills you may need someday in the future? Your comments about how he makes you feel mirror the comments of those posting in the WW section trying to answer the ever-present question of "why did I do this". If Chris is unattached, there are many girls in his world he could pursue. Thus my initial point of why a bros' fiancee'?

 

I make no comment on whether you should marry Scott. I think you have arrived at your own conclusion there.

 

One thing is certain. Unless this path is changed, it will run you hard into,that brick wall,you see,out there on the horizon.

[jen1447]

Scott sounds like a dud, and Chris sounds like an opportunist. I'd take the attention from Chris as proof-positive that you can "do better" and move on from both of them.

 

(If you really want you could take Chris for a spin but I wouldn't invest too much in him by the sound - has a rep and sneaks in on his friend's fiancee - not good character traits. But yeah Scott's just an anchor. Do you want to drag an anchor around for the rest of your life?)