Is this happening to anybody else? Looking for thoughts.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I've got a problem that's holding me back, and I'm interested in people's experiences with this, and would appreciate some advice.

 

Long story short:

 

• We saw each other for 6 1/2 years (it was on/off for most of it)
  

 

• She broke up with me very abruptly (and cruelly) in July, 9 months ago.
  

 

• Except for 1 foolish text I initiated to her after 6 1/2 months, I've pretty much done no-contact for all this time, and ignored all her attempts to contact me.
  

It's been 2 months since I heard anything from her.

 

Here's my problem:

 

I've spent the last 9 months doing all the things one is supposed to do in this situation, that is, focus on myself. I've seen a big change in me, my confidence, my elevated mood, the way I look, and interact - so many things in fact. I feel very satisfied with how I've developed, and I shall continue this new love affair with myself. My head now 100% understands this breakup, and there is NO WAY I'd go back into a relationship with my ex. I do not feel physically attracted to her anymore, and the thought of sleeping with her fills me with indifference at best. For the most part I'm over her. I've had some momentary flashes of strong attraction with other women too.

 

BUT...

 

Despite my head being over her, my heart isn't catching up. Just 2 days ago I wept at work (I work on my own). Sunny days like today evoke deep sentiments and I still 'smell her' in the air. I cannot imagine making love with anybody else, and the thought of hanging out in another woman's house, yet alone her bedroom, fills me with sadness. I still miss so many of the sensual things about her, her soft skin, her laugh, seeing candles. her chirpy pet cockatiel... so many things - they're all still so vivid in my mind, as if it was only last week I saw her. I still miss all that stuff as much as, if not more than, 9 months ago. I know dating others would flood me with apathy and probably even feel formulaic.

 

So despite my rational understanding of what this breakup is and why it occurred, my sentiments and my heart are miles behind and I never seem completely apart from them. As it's been 9 months, I'm a little worried this won't pass for a very long time. She doesn't deserve that!

 

I could put this into a nutshell and say: I certainly don't want her, but I miss her especially so, and it's beginning to frustrate me.

 

Any thoughts?

[AT15]

Yes. The heart wants what it wants. She has tried to reconnect with you? Why are you blocking that? I'm unsure of the reasons why the permanent split, but if your heart is aching for her, why not give it what it aches for?

[The_Dork_Lard]

Yes. The heart wants what it wants. She has tried to reconnect with you? Why are you blocking that? I'm unsure of the reasons why the permanent split, but if your heart is aching for her, why not give it what it aches for?

 

The reasons for the permanent split are many, but they can all be pooled together as incompatibility - the main one being her off-the-wall nymphomaniac sex drive. After 6 1/2 years, satisfying it became a chore that I'm getting too old and indifferent for. Because I failed to satisfy it one particular weekend, she ended the relationship abruptly, and not in an amicable way. She did it with serpents breath and kept it up for a few months (unlike me... badum-tssh!). The re-connections were not particularly loving. They were attempts at hurting me further, even though I wasn't engaging with them whatsoever. They were texts about who she was in bed with and stuff like that. Those texts could've been going into a black void for all she knew.

 

The foolish text I sent after 6 1/2 months of no-contact was a severe weak moment in which I reached out to give my heart what it aches for, and it was swiftly rejected. I've been no-contact ever since, and apart from one irrelevant text with news of her neighbour dying (I don't know why she sent that one), I've heard nothing since.

 

So despite knowing there is zero chance of re-connection (which is mutual) I'm at a loss to know what to make of my ongoing outpouring of sentimental longing. I can't seem to abandon the forceful mental images of all I enjoyed about her, the good times, the familiar. I even dreamt of her last night. This is my problem... it's not really faded, and if anything these sentiments are a little stronger now than at any time over the last 9 months, despite my rationality and academic understanding of this breakup, and the reasons for it, and behind it, being stronger too.

 

I'm more rational than ever about this particular breakup, whilst at the same time being more sentimental than ever.That tension seems ironic or contradictory, and I'm a little worried about it.

Edited April 26, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[keiji]

Is it possible that you tried to deal with the breakup in a more rational way in the beginning or even downplayed it a bit? It's what I've apparently done in the past, according to my therapist, and then, months later, completely out of the blue, all those feelings of sadness, anger and despair start pouring.

[salparadise]

Is it possible that you tried to deal with the breakup in a more rational way in the beginning or even downplayed it a bit? It's what I've apparently done in the past, according to my therapist, and then, months later, completely out of the blue, all those feelings of sadness, anger and despair start pouring.

 

I was wondering about this too. Breakups are a loss that have to be grieved. If you try to skip the grieving you can stay stuck.

 

The other thing is that 9 months is not necessarily enough time. It varies greatly from person to person, and one situation to another. I've had a couple that took longer, however, the intensity had faded considerably by 9 months.

 

After you've grieved sufficiently (i can't tell you how much that is) work on becoming indifferent. Anger and resentment will keep you stuck too. You have to let that go somehow.

 

Use logic to reconcile it in your mind––make sure the narrative is authentic, and wait for your heart to follow. It will but it takes time.

 

When you're ready, put yourself out there and find one even better.

 

If she was seriously hyper-sexual (nymphomaniac) she might have had a personality that you became addicted to. If that's the case then you may need be in therapy awhile and work on the reason you were the yen for her yang.

 

That's all I have. Good luck!

[The_Dork_Lard]

Thanks both.

 

Yes, I think I was in denial for 6 months or so, hence why I broke no-contact after that time. It wasn't until after that, when the reality hit me that I began grieving, and feeling really sorrowful. And though a lot of the sorrow has passed, and those later waves of anger which make you feel invincible have also, there is still much romantic and sentimental malaise. But I'm just repeating myself now.

 

Use logic to reconcile it in your mind––make sure the narrative is authentic, and wait for your heart to follow. It will but it takes time.

This is the crux of my problem, I think. I'm worried my sentimental yearnings won't fade, because they've not begun fading yet. It feels as if I could still pick up the phone and carry on from where we left off, doing the things we used to do together. But when I think of exactly how long 9 months is, and all that's happened within it, it's actually a thousand miles from how we were, and she's probably with somebody else now anyway, and that thought causes me little to no pain. I've grown considerably in that time, and in a direction away from her and who she was... yet I yearn...

[keiji]

Thanks both.

 

Yes, I think I was in denial for 6 months or so, hence why I broke no-contact after that time. It wasn't until after that, when the reality hit me that I began grieving, and feeling really sorrowful. And though a lot of the sorrow has passed, and those later waves of anger which make you feel invincible have also, there is still much romantic and sentimental malaise. But I'm just repeating myself now.

 

This is the crux of my problem, I think. I'm worried my sentimental yearnings won't fade, because they've not begun fading yet. It feels as if I could still pick up the phone and carry on from where we left off, doing the things we used to do together. But when I think of exactly how long 9 months is, and all that's happened within it, it's actually a thousand miles from how we were, and she's probably with somebody else now anyway, and that thought causes me little to no pain. I've grown considerably in that time, and in a direction away from her and who she was... yet I yearn...

 

I guess it's quite normal that you're yearning then. You've actually mourned the relationship "for three months" only. I know it doesn't exactly work like that, but I've been in denial so many times for so long and suddenly awoken to the fact that the breakup was serious that I perfectly understand what you're going through (Funny thing is then we reappear in our ex's life six, eight, ten months later and they're probably bewildered, to say the least). As said above, 9 months is not that long either. If you were really close, it's the least you could expect I guess.

 

However, reading your posts you seem to be doing quite fine. I also ache every once in a while (5 months post-BU, 3 post-NC), but the bulk of the storm seems to have passed already, and that seems to be the case for you too. Just a few more lingering clouds and we'll be done!

 

Cheer up!

[Papiyon]

Hi The_Dork_Lard

 

First I want to say to you “Good job!”. I know this wasn’t easy but you took the time needed to heal and validate your feelings. I have been there and have done the opposite. I tried to fill that void by reconnecting with my ex. Like you mentioned, bad idea. It was then I realized that it will take time for my heart to catch up. And guess what…that’s okay! Often times when we have shared our lives with others it’s expected that there will be “remnants” of their mannerisms and memories. Continue to give it time, you’re on the right track.

[The_Dork_Lard]

 

Cheer up!

 

Ha ha, heaven knows I'm miserable now!

 

Thanks keiji, for your reply, your perspective as well as other posters are reassuring me. Bizarre considering I've gone through 2 or 3 bad breakups before. The most recent always feels like the worst experience ever, even though I know it's not!

 

I feel a little embarrassed crying at my age over some girl, but grief is universal, transcending time and space.

[keiji]

Ha ha, heaven knows I'm miserable now!

 

Thanks keiji, for your reply, your perspective as well as other posters are reassuring me. Bizarre considering I've gone through 2 or 3 bad breakups before. The most recent always feels like the worst experience ever, even though I know it's not!

 

I feel a little embarrassed crying at my age over some girl, but grief is universal, transcending time and space.

 

 

Yesterday I was telling some friends about my first serious girlfriend and how long my mourning was. I felt I'd never find someone like her (I was 20, go figure). I saw her last week and boy, I did find someone like her and much better. I doubt I've ever suffered like that. We tend to forget these things and just focus on the pain we're suffering now. In fact, I broke up with my latest ex-g in July 2015 and didn't care at all. We were back together for a couple of months, she got fed up and suddenly I'm as miserable as the guy in the Smiths song? Weird, to say the least.

 

I'm 38, btw, and I hope I still cry over a breakup when I'm 64 (and yet more song titles). As a very wise guy I know, a true life-lover, told me recently: "If you ever see her and don't feel anything, it wasn't worth it". Which reminded me of this:

 

Edited April 26, 2016 by keiji

[The_Dork_Lard]

Yesterday I was telling some friends about my first serious girlfriend and how long my mourning was. I felt I'd never find someone like her (I was 20, go figure). I saw her last week and boy, I did find someone like her and much better. I doubt I've ever suffered like that. We tend to forget these things and just focus on the pain we're suffering now. In fact, I broke up with my latest ex-g in July 2015 and didn't care at all. We were back together for a couple of months, she got fed up and suddenly I'm as miserable as the guy in the Smiths song? Weird, to say the least.

 

I'm 38, btw, and I hope I still cry over a breakup when I'm 64 (and yet more song titles). As a very wise guy I know, a true life-lover, told me recently: "If you ever see her and don't feel anything, it wasn't worth it". Which reminded me of this:

 

 

That video is brilliant. Wise, hilarious, and sad all in a couple of minutes, ha ha, thanks for sharing mate.

[Kelsy]

I am also fighting with my mind and heart. Its very comforting to read that so many people here feel the same and have the same thoughts. I really do hope that time will give us peace.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I feel this too. Granted, I'm only six months out, But I've exercised, taken up new hobbies, bought a place, spent time with friends, even realized that I could do a lot better than him and in an honest comparison I'm more of a catch.

 

But whenever I think about who I want to fall asleep with, who I want to call me more than anything, it's still him. And I have taken time to grieve. I've cried for months and still do about once a week.

 

So no, you're not the only one who feels like this. When you get out of it, please share your secret!

[keiji]

That video is brilliant. Wise, hilarious, and sad all in a couple of minutes, ha ha, thanks for sharing mate.

 

Sorry to reply here, but I tried to message you back and it doesn't work. I just messaged the administrators to try to solve it!!

[sorano]

Im in the same club.

[Heatemyheart89]

Totally get this and it is normal. You just need more time to heal, be kind to yourself. Around 6/7 years ago I got dumped, I went n/c and changed my number. I met someone else, but after 6 months I woke up feeling funny, like I had been punched on the guts. For me it was delayed grief I think. I took a long time to get over it. But, I got there, I loved again ( that didn't go so well if you read my story but hey I still believe in love). I still think of that ex a lot , but I don't love him or find him attractive in anyway. Sometimes you can't help these thoughts, don't beat yourself up,let them pass.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Heatemyheart89

[jonesey0]

I know that feeling very well.

She broke up with me a year ago, she was my first girlfriend, i was her first boyfriend, we were together for 14 years. Im early thirties now, and so is she.

First month, i thought i would die of so much pain, i couldnt believe what was happening. Never begged or tried to change her mind though, kept it all to myself. Months 2 to 6 i was in denial, thinking this was just a phase and she would be running to my arms sooner or later. We had limited contact in that time and everything she said or post on facebook i would dissect it in a thousand ways, always giving myself hope it was somehow related to me.

 

Six months post breakup, we were together for the last time, and after that i was really thinking the nightmare was over, and we would reconcile.

 

But i came home alone, i slept alone on our bed, and i think that was the moment i really came to terms with what happened. She left me, after 14 years she made a conscious decision that she didnt want me, she didnt want me in her life, and that she took the chance of loosing me forever.

 

I never contacted her again, havent answered to her, and acknowledged that it was truly over.

 

That was 8 months ago. From that point onwards, my healing started and nowadays im almost back to my old self (quite improved i might add )

 

Do i still think about her? All the time.

Do i still miss what we had, the future i thought we would share together? All the time.

Will i still think fondly about her in ten years? I have no doubt about that.

Does the breakup still affect to the point that all i do is yearn for her to comeback? No.

Do i spend all my thinking what she is doing, who is she with, etc? No.

Does it affect me to think she may be with someone else? No

 

What i think im trying to say is...its normal and healthy to think of people who meant so much to us, who shared a big part of our lives with us, even though they made a decision that we didnt want, and who brought us a big deal of pain.

 

Take care, and keep moving on.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Thanks all, your stories give me comfort, as twisted as that sounds. I didn't realise delayed grief was so common. It's such a help knowing that when you're grieving, you're in good company.

[sangel07]

 

Thanks so much for sharing this, this is SO good! Also incredibly hilarious since my ex loved that show and tried to make me watch it, but I hated it.

 

The_Dork_Lard, my breakup is fresh so I can't say much about the timing of your grief, but I think we all have our brain and our heart reacting at a completely different pace when we go through this stuff. It sounds like your brain and your actions are in a good place, but unfortunately you can't do much to change the speed of your heart. You can just be patient, and use your brain to stay on the healing track. I don't think you need to be worried though - sure it sucks, but you're not weird, you're not broken. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and you will heal.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Thanks so much for sharing this, this is SO good! Also incredibly hilarious since my ex loved that show and tried to make me watch it, but I hated it.

 

The_Dork_Lard, my breakup is fresh so I can't say much about the timing of your grief, but I think we all have our brain and our heart reacting at a completely different pace when we go through this stuff. It sounds like your brain and your actions are in a good place, but unfortunately you can't do much to change the speed of your heart. You can just be patient, and use your brain to stay on the healing track. I don't think you need to be worried though - sure it sucks, but you're not weird, you're not broken. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and you will heal.

 

Thank you. I hear what you say.

 

I just find it weird that I don't want to share my bed with my ex anymore, and the thought of being that intimate with her does nothing for me - I'm indifferent about it. Yet at the same time I wouldn't want to share it with anybody else at all, because they're not my ex, and to do so would make me sad and sentimental. It's the weird state of limbo I'm finding curious, and it's showing no signs of fading. I'm even sexually frustrated at the moment, it's been 9 months, yet can't do anything about it.

 

I know it will fade in time (being stuck forever is a ridiculous notion), but I desired other people's thoughts on it.

 

Thanks again.

[Nightwriter]

Six and a half years is a long time. You turned into a stranger to a person who was once your best friend, a person who you you became vulnerable to, a person who was vulnerable to you and let you in the deepest parts of her soul. You loved the good parts of her but hated the bad parts. It's why you won't take her back but miss her intensely. Your OP sounds like a contradiction, but it is not. Anyone who has been in a meaningful relationship and lost it can identify with you. I can identify with you.