Separated after 16 years ... It's harder than I thought.

[DoryJKS]

You read blogs, articles, notes and what not.

And it's waaaaaaaaaaay harder than I thought.

We split after 16 years together, we have daughter together and we still talk to each other every single day, because we work in the same company (different areas, but we talk about whatever).

I'm trying to hard to get over him because I have to take care of myself and my beautiful daughter but it's very difficult when I still have to deal with him every day.

Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

[S2B]

There isn't any reason to keep communicating every day.

 

I was with my exH for 25 years. When we split my kids were younger - teenagers. I made sure I didn't want any form of communication unless the kids had an emergency.

 

This allowed me to have the space needed to grow and learn how to be on my own! It is essential!

 

Kinda like - how would a baby learn to walk if you carry them around all day long.

 

Have a boundary - stick to it. Be clear with him about what is acceptable and what is not.

 

You can't make room for a new life if you're constantly hanging on to him - or allowing him to hang on to you.

[stillafool]

I absolutely agree with the above. There is no reason to communicate unless it's related to your daughter. You might think about looking for another job so you can really move on.

[DoryJKS]

I believe that looking for another job would be a good thing to do, but I'm too comfortable and to be honest, I don't think that given the current situation, I will find something as good as what I have right now. But it's still good advice, so I'm truly thankful for it.

 

As for the boundaries, we initially discussed them but it seems like it's not clear for any of us; for me I guess that is because I still believe that he'll come around and get back to us since he left saying he didn't know what he wanted anymore; for him, I think it might be the fact that we were very attached to our daily routines and he might be missing that? I don't know, I don't want to analyze him, I'm just trying to find out healthy boundaries set on my end not to make any mistakes that could put me in the wrong path.

 

Thank you both for your kind words. =)

[dreamingoftigers]

I believe that looking for another job would be a good thing to do, but I'm too comfortable and to be honest, I don't think that given the current situation, I will find something as good as what I have right now. But it's still good advice, so I'm truly thankful for it.

 

As for the boundaries, we initially discussed them but it seems like it's not clear for any of us; for me I guess that is because I still believe that he'll come around and get back to us since he left saying he didn't know what he wanted anymore; for him, I think it might be the fact that we were very attached to our daily routines and he might be missing that? I don't know, I don't want to analyze him, I'm just trying to find out healthy boundaries set on my end not to make any mistakes that could put me in the wrong path.

 

Thank you both for your kind words. =)

 

So he did the separating, was it mutual, or did you ask for it?

[DoryJKS]

I pretty much cornered him asking him what did he want to do with his life, he said he didn't know. He went away 3 week and came back saying that he still doesn't know but he knows he doesn't want to be with me anymore ... for now. But it's not a definitive separation. Or maybe it is and he is afraid to say so? I can't ask him anything without getting the usual "I don't know" answer which is very frustrating by the way.

[dreamingoftigers]

I pretty much cornered him asking him what did he want to do with his life, he said he didn't know. He went away 3 week and came back saying that he still doesn't know but he knows he doesn't want to be with me anymore ... for now. But it's not a definitive separation. Or maybe it is and he is afraid to say so? I can't ask him anything without getting the usual "I don't know" answer which is very frustrating by the way.

 

So.... is there another party involved?

 

And if you want to pull forward have you read the DivorceBusters 180?

[DoryJKS]

I don't know about the other parties. Not on my end. He says there is nobody on his end, but ... I'm not sure about him though. And I have not read that DivorceBuster 180. What is it?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know about the other parties. Not on my end. He says there is nobody on his end, but ... I'm not sure about him though. And I have not read that DivorceBuster 180. What is it?

 

Divorce Busters has a way to deal with separations that help pull you through called the 180.

 

I am sure you can google it.

 

It seems counter-intuitive, but I found I has results much quicker than I expected.

 

It's mainly about shifting your focus off of him. And then back to you and restoring your self-esteem etc.

 

Sometimes, once the attention is off of them, they start to click in to the fact that you are slowly disappearing and then they smarten up a bit.

 

But it's mostly about you and your journey.

 

Man my husband sure blasted up my phone when he realized I wasn't up to my usual 2 min respond time. It really surprised me.

 

I even contacted the divorce coaches and had a few sessions. I found Chuck helpful. IDK if he still works there.

 

And no, I don't work for them or market for them or anything.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey DoryJKS, how are you doing today?