Acceptable or Abuse?

[Polar965]

I've been dating a man for a month. We have had a sexual relationship since two weeks in and have spent a lot of time together. He can be quite dominant and has playfully slapped my butt during passion, and thought nothing of it.

 

We had a bad argument the other day. I went to leave and when he passed me to get to the door he slapped my butt, not really painful, but this time definitely out of anger and not "play".

 

Is this a forgivable thing? We haven't spoken since the fight and I've never dealt with anything like this.

[Zahara]

Slapping you on the butt in anger after a month. I can't imagine what he'll do after a year.

[Larryville]

Is this a forgivable thing? We haven't spoken since the fight and I've never dealt with anything like this.

 

Are you seriously asking this? ABSOLUTELY NOT forgivable...

[Gaeta]

'in anger' no, not acceptable. Next time might be across your face.

 

See abusive men just don't become full blown abusive in one instant. They test you little by little with gestures hard to interpret like slapping your butt, squeezing your arm, pushing you or immobilizing you. Then if you let it go and stay they will slowly escalate the violence, then he'll push you a little harder, hit your shoulder instead of your butt, etc.

 

Drop this loser, fast.

[Polar965]

'in anger' no, not acceptable. Next time might be across your face.

 

See abusive men just don't become full blown abusive in one instant. They test you little by little with gestures hard to interpret like slapping your butt, squeezing your arm, pushing you or immobilizing you. Then if you let it go and stay they will slowly escalate the violence, then he'll push you a little harder, hit your shoulder instead of your butt, etc.

 

Drop this loser, fast.

 

This is what I was wondering. Thank you.

[tayriley]

omg, LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE....any guy that can't keep his hands to himself when he is angry is a DANGER to you. do NOT stay to find out just how violent he can get. if you know any of his exes, I bet they'd confirm that he has done this sort of thing before, and probably worse.

[SammySammy]

Don't let him blur the lines. Play is one thing, but hitting in anger is unacceptable.

 

You should have addressed it when it happened, but definitely do so before seeing him again. I understand some people are hesitant to end relationships without first talking about and seeking to resolve a problem.

 

However, any indication that he even considers hitting you in anger again should mean the relationship is over. Immediately.

[RecentChange]

RED FLAG I can honestly say a man has never laid a hand on me in any way out of anger. The fact that he slapped your butt out of anger is very worrisome.

 

I am all for "talking things out" - except when we are talking about possible physical abuse. How would that work? "Hey, next time you are mad - don't hit me okay?"

[Shanex]

Defending yourself (as a man if a fight happens) is the only exception and the best thing to do in this case is to use restraint.

 

Anyone who would arbitrarily beat on a woman is a sc*mbag, and not only unworthy of keeping as a boyfriend but should be reported to the authorities. Plain an simple.

[joseb]

It sounds dodgy. Unless this was after you two had agreed to make up and it was done playfully, then it's a red flag for sure.

[bathtub-row]

Another favorite move for abusers is to block you as you try to leave. This guy is bad news. Get out of this and don't listen to any of his reflective, self-effacing comments about how he knows what he did was wrong and he won't do it again. Or, worse, he'll tell you how you're being overly sensitive and blowing things out of proportion.

 

Just simply tell him that you didn't care for his behavior the other night and it's too much of a red flag to ignore. End of story. Consider it a bullet dodged.

[GemmaUK]

It's unacceptable.

 

If you have still had no contact since the fight just leave it that way.

 

Just walk/run from this one, there's no point trying to reason with a man like this.

[Protec]

Try talking with him. If you really like the man, solve the issues together.

[Lois_Griffin]

Try talking with him. If you really like the man, solve the issues together.

With all due respect to this poster, this is horrible advice.

 

OP, stay away from this guy and don't waste another minute with him. Very early in the game, he showed you EXACTLY who he is.

 

You need to believe him.

[Protec]

With all due respect to this poster, this is horrible advice.

 

OP, stay away from this guy and don't waste another minute with him. Very early in the game, he showed you EXACTLY who he is.

 

You need to believe him.

 

What's wrong about trying to solve things? If she thinks he is nice guy (even because of arguing and buttslap) then why not give it a shot? People do stupid things when they are angry...

 

Of course I am not saying she should stay if the guy is always agressive and violent.

[Polar965]

What's wrong about trying to solve things? If she thinks he is nice guy (even because of arguing and buttslap) then why not give it a shot? People do stupid things when they are angry...

 

Of course I am not saying she should stay if the guy is always agressive and violent.

 

 

That is why I posed the question. Where there was "butt smacking" in another context in our relationship that didn't feel abusive, you know? This was done during an argument so not sexual. But with the other stuff it got confusing to me.

[Arieswoman]

Polar965,

 

Please, please for your own safety dump this guy.

This sounds nasty.

 

Just be glad he showed you this side of himself early on in the relationship.

 

Good luck x

[Gaeta]

What's wrong about trying to solve things? If she thinks he is nice guy (even because of arguing and buttslap) then why not give it a shot? People do stupid things when they are angry...

 

Of course I am not saying she should stay if the guy is always agressive and violent.

 

You don't 'solve things' with someone that slapped you out of anger.

 

Are there body parts where it's more forgivable? What's the difference between slapping her butt out of anger and slapping her back out of anger? her arm? her head?

 

The important part here is he did it out of 'anger' which makes it unacceptable and abusive on ANY body part he may slap.

[Emilia]

What's wrong about trying to solve things? If she thinks he is nice guy (even because of arguing and buttslap) then why not give it a shot? People do stupid things when they are angry...

 

Of course I am not saying she should stay if the guy is always agressive and violent.

 

That is why I posed the question. Where there was "butt smacking" in another context in our relationship that didn't feel abusive, you know? This was done during an argument so not sexual. But with the other stuff it got confusing to me.

 

Posters such as the one you quoted OP end up in abusive relationships because they blur boundaries. They don't realise or they deny to themselves that absusers are not abusive 100% of the time. As I said in another thread today, I'm sure Hitler and Stalin had their good days too. They probably took their kids to the zoo every now and then.

 

Destroying boundaries is a slow process, abuse doesn't start by beating you senseless straight away. It's the little things, if you spoke to him, he would probably try to tell you that you were being sensitive, a little crazy, perhaps.

 

Then next time it would be trying to stop you leave. Or say something to make you cry or squeeze your arm. It's the gradual demolishing of boundaries and self esteem. I don't know this but I'm assuming not all abusers graduate to full out beating. Maybe this guy would just feel the need to put you in your place every now and then.

 

It works because of the post above that you responded to: he isn't always aggressive. He is otherwise nice.

 

Makes sense?

[dragon_fly_7]

What's wrong about trying to solve things? If she thinks he is nice guy (even because of arguing and buttslap) then why not give it a shot? People do stupid things when they are angry...

 

Of course I am not saying she should stay if the guy is always agressive and violent.

I will never accept a bf that even once lays a hand on me in anger. Once would be enough for me.

 

OP, the fact that he hit your butt in anger during an argument and not in a playful way shows he has poor social skills to solve an argument and that he can't get his points across without becoming physical. End it now.

Edited April 27, 2016 by dragon_fly_7

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Not ok in my book, OP. Did you say anything when he smacked your behind?

 

If that had happened to me, I would have at least said, " What the f*ck what that?"

 

It's only been a month with this guy. Move on.

[truthtripper]

That is why I posed the question. Where there was "butt smacking" in another context in our relationship that didn't feel abusive, you know? This was done during an argument so not sexual. But with the other stuff it got confusing to me.

Abusers confuse. This is one of their behavioural hallmarks. It's how they keep a grip on their victims. He applied on you the previously sexual/playful butt slap in a violent context, which of course confused you. And that's exactly what he wanted to do(subconsciously, through learned behaviour from upbringing). In your confusion, you are less likely to see that there is any good reason to doubt him. If you only knew him for a month and he blatantly hit you outright in unmistaken anger(which in reality would only happen in a long-term abusive relationship or if he had a mental illness/was drunk), his violence is obvious and the need to leave him will be clear-he loses you. See the difference?

 

If you don't take heed of these posters' advice, you are falling for his manipulation, you render yourself an enabler of his abuse ie-you enable, facilitate, encourage, attract his abuse. You are asking for it. That would be bad news. You would stay if your confused feelings are familiar to you. Perhaps there is some comfort in them? Are you used to feeling confused in relationships with certain relatives for example? If you were brought up feeling confused, then you will stay with this man(if you have not had the chance to develop some self-awareness). We naturally gravitate towards the familiar, not towards the unfamiliar, whether it's beneficial for us or not.

[Hopeful714]

Something similar happened to me. I can't even remember what it was that I did or said but my ex grabbed my arm and smacked my butt like you'd see a mother do to her kid. I found it so bizarre. I'm a grown woman!

 

Yes, my ex turned out to be abusive, but I also believe that this behavior occurred out of frustration ...and he enacted something that was done to him. Or, heck maybe he was just trying to punish me. When I brought it up at a later time, he didn't even remember doing it...and laughed it off!

 

Regardless, it is a red flag of some sort.

[Miss Clavel]

i always say that everyone in life should keep their hands to themselves.

 

what makes this the worst, for me, is someone hitting someone that is going by them. that's a huge breach of trust, to me.

 

if you tell your pet or your child to move to another place or to go to another room, you NEVER wack them as they go by you.

 

because, you break the trust. people we trust, people we love, never do things behind our backs.