Waiting on a text.....

[Storm warning]

Hi all!

 

This is my first post to LS and this will be the first time I've told anyone what's been going on. But I'm in need of support, honest opinions and cold hard truths.

 

I've been an OW on and off since Nov 2015. I'd known MM for a year through work (he's a customer).

In October 2015 I separated from my husband, we have two kids together and he has two from a previous relationship (they all live with us full-time). Over the course of our 8 year relationship (married for 4) I've caught him cheating three times, so yes I've also been a BS. He could feel me withdrawing and shutting down. I tried explaining how I felt to him, he refused to go to MC or IC, refused to admit anything about the cheating and became increasing controlling because he felt he was losing me. I realized I didn't love him anymore, so I initiated the separation. He became even more controlling, took time off work and hung around all day, tried using the kids as a reason to make me stay and was just an ass to put it mildly.

 

At the end of a shift in November after he had continually rung work (to check I was there) and my phone had a hundred "let's make it work", "where are you", "text me when you finish work" texts. I broke down. At this stage only my mother and best friend knew about the separation. No one at work knew what was going on.

 

MM found me in the car park, tears running down my face swearing at my phone and fighting with my car keys. Cue "knight in shining armor". He asked me what was wrong and I blurted out everything. Not once was he inappropriate. Just friendly, nice and supportive. At the end he offered to keep checking up on me so we exchanged numbers.

 

We started texting regularly and things escalated very quickly, much faster then I'm proud of, from EA to PA and I officially became an OW. The chemistry between us seemed unreal. I didn't think about his W at first, cue people to slam me, I was too busy escaping from reality.

 

I told him it was over a few weeks into it. That I couldn't stand the thought of being an "OW", (damn that reality catching up with me). He was good about it and let me go. That lasted about 4 days and I came crawling back. And we were straight back texting daily, meeting up a few times a week. Cute pet names...

 

Then over Christmas he went very hot and cold. And I kept my distance. Focused on my family and friends. It was hard though, one minute he wanted and needed me so bad then silence for a few days. I never asked about his wife an their relationship. I figured he'd lie about what it was like so I decided I didn't want to know. We never future faked.

 

In February I didn't hear from MM for two weeks. During this stage my H and I reconciled, he had gone to IC, he was working on his controlling issues ect. I knew I still didn't love him, still don't. But if he can put the effort in to be less controlling then I can stay for the kids, maybe the love will come back one day. Or maybe it won't. I told my MM I was giving it another go with my husband and he started telling me how much he'd missed me, loved me (we had never used that during our brief A) and didn't the last couple of months mean anything to me? I stood firm I could only be his friend nothing physical. It killed me. I knew I actually felt more for him then I did for my H.

 

A week later I sent a message to MM just asking how he was. Got no response.

 

At the start of March MM rang me and asked to meet up he HAD to see me cause he just needed a friend, so I did (stupidly cause I was worried about him). We talked for a bit (he'd had a fight with his W) then he tried to get physical and I said no I could only be there as a friend for him. We argued. Text MM the next day to apologize for apparently "leading him on". To which he replied "never contact me again".

 

I felt like crap. Started thinking maybe I should of just slept with him instead of refusing. Maybe I wouldn't of lost him as a friend ect. A week later he asked to meet and just talk. I agreed. We talked. He apologized. We ended up having sex. That was the first time I cheated on my husband. I felt crap again. Found this website, read so many stories, acquired the strength to tell him to delete me, he never asked why. Went NC. That was more then a month ago.

 

MM messaged me last week. We talked, joked, he asked to meet and I said I couldn't. I've missed him so much, I want to text him a but I no I shouldn't. I know he's going to text soon. I don't think I can stop myself replying when that happens. I want to feel that high again. Someone slap me and steal my phone.

[SomethingToSay]

Sigh......same ol same ol. You need to get over this immature thinking that you guys are soulmates, the world is against you, the only ones who understand each other, blah blah blah

 

Hes treated you awful. Youve both left a path of destruction in your wake. Its not real its all fantasy. Youve never even been a couple in real life nor do i think you successfully ever would.

 

Unless you make serious changes internally with yourself this is basically how your life will be. Wash rinse repeat.

[S2B]

He used you as his prey when you were most vulnerable. That's crappy.

 

Have you noticed he responds to texts when he expects sex? Seems like that's his ploy.

 

Have you tried being on your own? Finding the strength and courage to become a strong woman on your own?

[whichwayisup]

You mean nothing to him.

He is using you for an ego feed.

He's using your for release and isn't interested in 'friendship', he wants sex.

 

He's not in love with you. You both are addicted to one another and that's unhealthy.

 

Change your cell number or block him. You're sitting waiting for a text from a MM who treats like you crap and knows you're weak, knows how to manipulate you.

 

Get MAD and make a decision to finally end your A and also divorce your husband. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and also your kids is, divorcing and being on your own. Your kids will adjust with help and love, they can be happy in two households with you and their father co parenting together, but apart.

 

You wanted honesty and harshness, reality, you got it.

 

Get counseling so you can see the damage of the choices you're making.

[Storm warning]

Sigh......same ol same ol. You need to get over this immature thinking that you guys are soulmates, the world is against you, the only ones who understand each other, blah blah blah

 

Hes treated you awful. Youve both left a path of destruction in your wake. Its not real its all fantasy. Youve never even been a couple in real life nor do i think you successfully ever would.

 

Unless you make serious changes internally with yourself this is basically how your life will be. Wash rinse repeat.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply STS.

 

No I don't think we are soul mates, I've don't actually believed in the concept.

 

I completely agree with you we wouldn't make it as a couple. I don't love him but I do care for him and enjoy his company. Even though I realise it's an escape from my current reality.

 

The trouble I'm having is I still want him because I guess I still want to escape.

[Storm warning]

He used you as his prey when you were most vulnerable. That's crappy.

 

Have you noticed he responds to texts when he expects sex? Seems like that's his ploy.

 

Have you tried being on your own? Finding the strength and courage to become a strong woman on your own?

 

Hi S2B! Yes I can see the pattern and I hate I kept falling for it. Which is why I'm worried I will again.

 

I wish I was strong enough to leave my H (not for anyone except myself) but he made my life so incredibly hard when we separated it seemed easier to get back together.

[BuddyX]

First things first, figure out what you're going to do with your husband and kids. As of right now, you're dealing with 2 men 4+ kids and a wife who's clueless about your affair.

And please stop crawling back-that's not sexy.

[Storm warning]

You mean nothing to him.

He is using you for an ego feed.

He's using your for release and isn't interested in 'friendship', he wants sex.

 

He's not in love with you. You both are addicted to one another and that's unhealthy.

 

Change your cell number or block him. You're sitting waiting for a text from a MM who treats like you crap and knows you're weak, knows how to manipulate you.

 

Get MAD and make a decision to finally end your A and also divorce your husband. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and also your kids is, divorcing and being on your own. Your kids will adjust with help and love, they can be happy in two households with you and their father co parenting together, but apart.

 

You wanted honesty and harshness, reality, you got it.

 

Get counseling so you can see the damage of the choices you're making.

 

Thank you Whichwayisup, the more perspectives I'm getting the clearer it is to see him for what he really is. Makes it easier to get mad. I'm hoping I have the strength to block him completely.

 

I want to get a divorce. But it's very complicated with four kids. My husband works full time and I work part time. I do all the stuff with the kids schools and housekeeping. I'd be fine financially on my own. But my two step children Would suffer the most. So for now here I am.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Whichwayisup, the more perspectives I'm getting the clearer it is to see him for what he really is. Makes it easier to get mad. I'm hoping I have the strength to block him completely.

 

I want to get a divorce. But it's very complicated with four kids. My husband works full time and I work part time. I do all the stuff with the kids schools and housekeeping. I'd be fine financially on my own. But my two step children Would suffer the most. So for now here I am.

 

You're welcome.

 

Do block him on all social media, no lurking his facebook etc.

 

That's it, find the anger and most of all find your self respect and realize that he IS using you for an escape..Just like on some level you're using him for an escape from your marriage.

 

If your husband finds out about the affair how would he react?

[stilltrying16]

I agree with other posters: cut off contact with MM. And I also agree that you should free yourself from your husband. Dump both. Start fresh, breathe and be free.

 

Can you be without your phone this evening. If you do, block him and consider parking it somewhere where you'll have to make an effort to get it. For example, your car instead of your bedside table. Or if that's too drastic, keep it near you but be doubly sure to block him.

 

What is so ironical about your situation is that if you weren't tied to your husband, you would have gotten rid of the MM. Your husband has you bound and the only outlet seems to be the MM. Freeing yourself from your husband might eventually make it very easy to free yourself from the MM.

 

Has your husband done any work on himself, eg IC, reading books, etc, to figure out why he cheated- and to fix whatever's missing in him so he doesn't do it by reflex? It doesn't sound like it. Seriously consider divorcing him.

Edited April 27, 2016 by stilltrying16

[Storm warning]

And please stop crawling back-that's not sexy.

 

Thanks BuddyX! This made me smile. I don't want to appear sexy to MM but I won't be crawling back either.

 

You're welcome.

 

Do block him on all social media, no lurking his facebook etc.

 

That's it, find the anger and most of all find your self respect and realize that he IS using you for an escape..Just like on some level you're using him for an escape from your marriage.

 

If your husband finds out about the affair how would he react?

 

Our only method of contact is via phone so I don't have to worry about the social media aspect.

 

My H knows I was with someone else when we we're separated. I sat him down and told him. At the time I was trying to make the point our marriage was over and judging from his reaction to that he'd be hurt but his controlling would triple. I don't want to hurt him. But I almost wish he would find out and let me go. But on the other hand I'm worried he wouldn't let me go he's just smother me more.

 

I agree with other posters: cut off contact with MM. And I also agree that you should free yourself from your husband. Dump both. Start fresh, breathe and be free.

 

Can you be without your phone this evening. If you do, block him and consider parking it somewhere where you'll have to make an effort to get it. For example, your car instead of your bedside table. Or if that's too drastic, keep it near you but be doubly sure to block him.

 

What is so ironical about your situation is that if you weren't tied to your husband, you would have gotten rid of the MM. Your husband has you bound and the only outlet seems to be the MM. Freeing yourself from your husband might eventually make it very easy to free yourself from the MM.

 

Has your husband done any work on himself, eg IC, reading books, etc, to figure out why he cheated- and to fix whatever's missing in him so he doesn't do it by reflex? It doesn't sound like it. Seriously consider divorcing him.

 

Great advice about the phone. I'm going to try the leaving it in the car tonight. Yes if I didn't need an escape I wouldn't need the break from reality.

 

My H only went to IC briefly when we we're separated and stopped immediately when we got back together. It seemed more of a ploy to get me back. From what he's told me about the sessions he didn't talk about his cheating at all just about how he was feeling about us breaking up. He still can't talk about his cheating, even though I have the evidence, at times he goes as far to say it never happened.

[bathtub-row]

As far as I can tell, both of these men in your life sound like jerks. Your husband is at the very least a control freak, bordering on emotionally abusive. MM is a total ass for getting angry with you because you didn't want to have sex. If anyone ever told me to never contact them again, that's exactly what I'd do.

 

I think you need to stop apologizing for your decisions and realize that you're currently not capable of attracting a healthy partner. I say drop both of these idiots like the bad habits that they are and figure out who you are and what you want before leaping into the arms of some new guy you barely know.

[Gloria_Smellons]

The trouble I'm having is I still want him because I guess I still want to escape.

 

Then why not put all your energies into making a reality you don't want to escape from?

 

Any kind of escape is really only ever temporary - whatever you are escaping from will still be there until you deal with it.

 

I know I'm oversimplifying, but I'm feeling simple today

[Satu]

Sigh......same ol same ol. You need to get over this immature thinking that you guys are soulmates, the world is against you, the only ones who understand each other, blah blah blah

 

Hes treated you awful. Youve both left a path of destruction in your wake. Its not real its all fantasy. Youve never even been a couple in real life nor do i think you successfully ever would.

 

Unless you make serious changes internally with yourself this is basically how your life will be. Wash rinse repeat.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[loveisanaction]

The fact that he had the audacity to be angry at you because he tried to get physical with you and you refused made my blood boil...and you apologized to him; for what? You owed him no apology, he is married!

 

OP, i'm happy you are working things out with your husband and i wish you well.

 

Please stay away from this man who thinks he has the rights to your body.

 

We women should feel offended and angry that a married man (or one in a committed relationship) is coming onto us. It's nothing to be proud of when a committed man is pursing us.

 

Most folks say it's an ego boast, i disagree, it's insulting.

 

When a man who is committed thinks of pursuing me, i'd want him thinking in his head 'I would very much like to sleep with this girl but the way she behaves shows me that getting sex out of her would be like trying to get water out of stone', that's a compliment.

 

I think we've all got it twisted, there's nothing flattering or ego boosting about a committed man pursing us for sex.

 

Once a women understand this, it will become VERY difficult for married men (or men in committed relationships) to be able to sleep with us.

[ShatteredLady]

If you divorce will you loose contact with your step children? Is that what's keeping you with your H? Have you had a consultation with a lawyer to find out exactly where you stand.

 

I understand that it would be devastating to loose 'your kids' & it would be incredibly hard for your biological kids to be separated from their siblings. Would you be in a position to adopt them if your H has sole custody?

 

I don't know. I'm trying to think of a longer term solution to your problems. I agree with the other posters. STOP with the MM. Do you believe that with therapy you could fix your marriage? Yes or no, I'd still talk to a lawyer to learn all of your options.

[Storm warning]

Thanks you all for your replies! Gonna answer a few things directly but also a quick update. Haven't heard from MM and I am still 100% committed to not contacting him. No I haven't blocked his number yet and the thought of doing so makes me anxious. I'm starting to think though when he does text and I don't reply he's going to get pissed off. That'll make blocking him so much easier.

 

No change on my marital status. Even though some have pointed out that's a great step to take. Its bound to happen. But I have to get all my ducks in a row. Or better yet my H could make the decision for me.

 

As far as I can tell, both of these men in your life sound like jerks. Your husband is at the very least a control freak, bordering on emotionally abusive. MM is a total ass for getting angry with you because you didn't want to have sex. If anyone ever told me to never contact them again, that's exactly what I'd do.

 

Seems like an accurate description of both guys.

 

When MM said "don't contact me again" I didn't reply. Didn't initiate contact. But caved a week later when he asked to talk.

 

 

Then why not put all your energies into making a reality you don't want to escape from?

 

Any kind of escape is really only ever temporary - whatever you are escaping from will still be there until you deal with it.

 

I know I'm oversimplifying, but I'm feeling simple today

 

Yes that's defiantly the problem with escaping reality, it's temporary. If anything the reality just seems that much worse after I come down from such a high. When I made the decision to get back with my H, I was fully committed to focusing on us. Throwing all my energy into the marriage. But its been exhausting emotionally. I've tried talking to H how I'm feeling and what actions he's doing that make me feel constantly drained and he smiles and nods and continues to o them anyway.

 

The fact that he had the audacity to be angry at you because he tried to get physical with you and you refused made my blood boil...and you apologized to him; for what? You owed him no apology, he is married!

 

 

Your completely right. It was one of the lowest things someone could do. When I apologized I was only apologizing for causing him to feel I was "leading him on". I still stood by my decision not to sleep with him that night. That's the maddest I've ever been with him. But a few days later when I felt I needed a friend I regretted not sleeping with him. I just didn't tell him that.

 

If you divorce will you loose contact with your step children? Is that what's keeping you with your H? Have you had a consultation with a lawyer to find out exactly where you stand.

 

I understand that it would be devastating to loose 'your kids' & it would be incredibly hard for your biological kids to be separated from their siblings. Would you be in a position to adopt them if your H has sole custody?

 

I don't know. I'm trying to think of a longer term solution to your problems. I agree with the other posters. STOP with the MM. Do you believe that with therapy you could fix your marriage? Yes or no, I'd still talk to a lawyer to learn all of your options.

 

Yes if we get a divorce I won't have access to my step-children. I have no legal claim to them and adoption isn't an option. They were 3 an 4 when I met my H and are both now in junior high. Their mother is hardly in the picture (by her own choice).

 

I don't think therapy could fix it. My H's attitude is there is no problem except for how I'm feeling. Therefore that is my problem. He holds no responsibility for his actions being the cause of the problem. So until he is willing to admit his actions an become willing to make a change there is no hope.

 

I also don't think I could ever love H again. Being with MM just made me realize how much I didn't love H. The only good thing from being with MM is a realized I am still capable of feeling. I want to have a relationship where I can feel.It won't be with either MM or H.

[MuddyFootprints]

Do some reading about limerence.

 

Does your husband really understand what he is up against?

[LovingDelilah]

I'm sorry you fell into the arms of this horrible man. The best thing to do is delete all his details and block his number. He just wants sex and nothing else.

[anyonecandoit]

We women should feel offended and angry that a married man (or one in a committed relationship) is coming onto us. It's nothing to be proud of when a committed man is pursing us.

Most folks say it's an ego boast, i disagree, it's insulting.

 

Once a women understand this, it will become VERY difficult for married men (or men in committed relationships) to be able to sleep with us.

 

So well said! All girls need to read this and memorize it as well!