Being the OW

[snowy1]

Hi all

 

I am new to this forum and could really do with some non-judgmental advice on my situation.

 

I am single and have been romantically involved with a guy for the past month who I believe is my soul mate and have known him for a few years.

 

We have chatted on and off over the years and almost got involved with each other a couple of years ago but I was hesitant because of his situation and decided to cut off contact but we got in touch again a month ago and we have developed a very deep and loving relationship.

 

He is currently living with his partner and has been for the past 15 years, they have no children between them but each have their own who live away from home.

 

He calls me about 8 times a day and we meet about 5 times a week, he says I'm his soul mate and has never loved anyone the way he loves me and does get emotional at times on the phone for missing me.

 

So to cut a long story short, last week I had a bit of a breakdown because of my strong feelings for him and told him that I couldn't continue to see him unless he chose to be with me. (He had already told me he wanted to leave his partner for me but this was not set in stone).

 

So after my breakdown and talking with him he decided he wants to leave her next week and be with me and has made him realise he does not want to lose me.

 

So what I wanted to ask was if he doesn't leave on the day he said he will should I just go my own way and cut off contact ?

 

The thought of losing him is unbearable but at the same time, I do not want to enter into a lengthy affair with him because of the pain I know it will cause me and all the sneaking around which neither me or him enjoy.

 

Thanks in advance

[Lady Hamilton]

What you do if he doesn't leave is really up to you.

 

I will say if you want to avoid a lengthy affair, cutting off contact would be the way to go, despite how much it hurts you and presumably him. But you'd have to be very serious about it, not cut contact then resume it a week later. Then you'd lose all the impact of the action.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but that's the reality of it.

 

What are you prepared to do if he doesn't leave? And if he's said that he was leaving but you're preparing yourself for the possibility he won't, what's going on in your relationship that would make you doubt him?

[snowy1]

What you do if he doesn't leave is really up to you.

 

I will say if you want to avoid a lengthy affair, cutting off contact would be the way to go, despite how much it hurts you and presumably him. But you'd have to be very serious about it, not cut contact then resume it a week later. Then you'd lose all the impact of the action.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but that's the reality of it.

 

What are you prepared to do if he doesn't leave? And if he's said that he was leaving but you're preparing yourself for the possibility he won't, what's going on in your relationship that would make you doubt him?

 

Hi and thanks for your reply

 

The only thing that makes me doubt him leaving is that he is such a sweet guy that he has said doesn't want to hurt her and is bit nervous about her coming after him or coming to his work etc and then he thinks I will resent him if she causes a lot of trouble.

 

I'm 99% certain he is going to leave as he tells me again and again that he has to follow his heart and think of himself and his happiness for once rather than everyone else.

 

I'm pretty much geared up to the fact that if doesn't leave then I will cut all contact until he does and I think that really scared him last week.

Edited April 27, 2016 by snowy1

[sandylee1]

Yes...you should cut contact if he doesn't leave her. If you don't you'll get more sucked in and you will be accepting the role of a mistress/the other/secondary.... and you'll be accepting to be a secret to the outside world.... if that doesn't appeal to you... then don't do it.

 

They have no kids and they aren't married. I assume you want a man who has the guts to follow through with what he says.

 

If he isn't happy with her ..... I expect she already knows this.

[Satu]

Go NC if he doesn't leave.

 

It's the most humane choice, and the least painful in the long term.

 

 

Tale care.

[BuddyX]

Great response in a previous post.

 

"Why do we want someone like that in our lives? They don't love us. They love what they get from us without having to sacrifice anything to get that from us. It's disgusting actually."

[Arieswoman]

Snowy1,

 

So after my breakdown and talking with him he decided he wants to leave her next week and be with me and has made him realise he does not want to lose me.

 

OK, so he says he will leave her next week.

 

What have you discussed about this?

 

Is he going to leave her and move in with you, or will he go and live somewhere else in the meantime?

 

Just what exactly have you arranged?

 

No-one here can advise you unless we have more information.

[snowy1]

Snowy1,

 

 

 

OK, so he says he will leave her next week.

 

What have you discussed about this?

 

Is he going to leave her and move in with you, or will he go and live somewhere else in the meantime?

 

Just what exactly have you arranged?

 

No-one here can advise you unless we have more information.

 

Hi and thanks for replying

 

Yes we have discussed his moving out day every time we speak, he has changed passwords etc on his social media accounts and switched off tracker on phone in preparation and has discussed what he is going to bring with him and what time he will be leaving.

He will be coming to mine, we discussed him getting another place for the interim but decided it was best to come to me.

 

The only thing that could possibly get in the way is if she doesn't go out as planned on the day but then he said if that happens he'll wait until the following day.

 

He said she has noticed a change in him in the last two weeks which has created an atmosphere at home.

[snowy1]

Yes...you should cut contact if he doesn't leave her. If you don't you'll get more sucked in and you will be accepting the role of a mistress/the other/secondary.... and you'll be accepting to be a secret to the outside world.... if that doesn't appeal to you... then don't do it.

 

They have no kids and they aren't married. I assume you want a man who has the guts to follow through with what he says.

 

If he isn't happy with her ..... I expect she already knows this.

 

Hi and thanks

 

I feel strong enough to cut contact although it would be unbelievably painful but I know that it would be the right thing to do.

I don't want him to think I'm an easy catch for him and a walkover and I think he knows from when I told him last week that I would cut contact if he didn't start making plans and as soon as I said that he told me he will leave next week.

 

He told me that this gave him a much needed kick up the backside and can't bear the thought of losing me.

[Arieswoman]

OK Snowy,

 

He will be coming to mine, we discussed him getting another place for the interim but decided it was best to come to me.

 

OK, so he hasn't actually told his wife that he is leaving?

 

So, are you braced for the *****storm that will follow once she realises he has gone?

[Maddieandtae]

Snowy the two of you have only been in a relationship for a month. This man has been with his girlfriend for 15 years, there is no way this is going to be a smooth transition. He is jumping from one relationship straight into another and I feel you will be in for a lot of hurt if this happens. He needs space to decompress the last 15 years of his life with his girlfriend. Moving in with you comes with more baggage than his clothes! Please take a step back and try to realistically see where you really stand in all of this.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Maddieandtae
...

[Arieswoman]

Sorry. my mistake, I thought he was married. Even so, a 15 year relationship isn't going to be jettisoned quietly...

[snowy1]

OK Snowy,

 

 

 

OK, so he hasn't actually told his wife that he is leaving?

 

So, are you braced for the *****storm that will follow once she realises he has gone?

 

No he hasn't told her, he was thinking about it and telling her beforehand face to face but he seems to just want to leave her a letter explaining.

 

He said that for the 8 years we have known each other he knew he always wanted to be with me.

 

She is quite a reserved person but can be very feisty so I think he is scared of what may happen if he told her face to face.

[snowy1]

Snowy the two of you have only been in a relationship for a month. This man has been with his girlfriend for 15 years, there is no way this is going to be a smooth transition. He is jumping from one relationship straight into another and I feel you will be in for a lot of hurt if this happens. He needs space to decompress the last 15 years of his life with his girlfriend. Moving in with you comes with more baggage than his clothes! Please take a step back and try to realistically see where you really stand in all of this.

 

I will and thanks for your input.

[stilltrying16]

Hi and thanks for your reply

 

The only thing that makes me doubt him leaving is that he is such a sweet guy that he has said doesn't want to hurt her and is bit nervous about her coming after him or coming to his work etc and then he thinks I will resent him if she causes a lot of trouble.

I'm 99% certain he is going to leave as he tells me again and again that he has to follow his heart and think of himself and his happiness for once rather than everyone else.

 

I'm pretty much geared up to the fact that if doesn't leave then I will cut all contact until he does and I think that really scared him last week.

 

My advice would be to go NC. I don't think you need to give him reasons or ultimatums- you've done that already. But if you feel absolutely compelled to do a parting speech, tell him to call you if he ever ends his current relationship. If you're free then, and still interested, you both can start a *new* relationship that is untainted from the toxicity of this last set up.

 

Please note that I could be biased: I'm very suspicious of MMs, very empathetic to BS and OW- I want to state this upfront so I don't mislead you with what follows!

 

I see huge red flags in the reasons he's given you for not leaving.

 

1. He doesn't want to hurt her. (well, if that's the case, why isn't he ending the relationship with you? Not hurting her is acceptable as a reason to hesitate telling her. But it's not acceptable once an ultimatum has been given by the OW- he now has to decide. If indeed he doesn't want to hurt her, then stay with her. If he wants to pursue his own happiness (because he has sacrificed it for others too long yadda yadda yadda) then break it with her and start up with you.

 

2. He's "a bit nervous" that she will "go after him."

 

What a weasley way to paint her as psychotic without actually appearing to. They are not married. They don't have children together. What could she do to him by "coming after him"? Is she physically violent? If so, he needs to pack in secret and find a couple of big burly guys to escort him out of the house right after he tells her. Ask him if she's ever been charged with abuse? Is there any concrete evidence that she is abusive?

 

3. He's a bit nervous that she could come to his workplace

 

What could she do to him if she came there? if he is all that concerned he could just give them a heads up: my crazy partner of 15 years might come her and start throwing stuff around. Please don't let her in; ignore what she says; defuse.

 

People end relationships and start new relationships all the time. People in his workplace know this. He is not legally tied to her. What harm could she do to him by coming to his workplace?

 

His reasons are so ridiculous that I doubt there's any truth to them. I would say sit back and watch his actions. If he leaves her, whenever he leaves her, and if he contacts you then, then weigh your options. JMO. Good luck with everything.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Does it bother you at all that he would leave a 15 year relationship by writing a note? Can you imagine? Would you expect him to be open with you about issues in your relationship? If so, it's probably not wise to expect it. When things get dull, will you come home to a note and know inside that he found someone else and made his escape? Just seems to me that he is showing you that he's emotionally immature. You'd do well to believe him as he shows you who he is.

[Cymbeline]

He wants to leave a fifteen year relationship by sneaking out of the house while his partner is out? Yuck. What integrity and maturity!

 

I'd be interested to know more about these sacrifices he has been making for other people's happiness while neglecting his own.

 

He sounds like a big snivelling baby.

[snowy1]

My advice would be to go NC. I don't think you need to give him reasons or ultimatums- you've done that already. But if you feel absolutely compelled to do a parting speech, tell him to call you if he ever ends his current relationship. If you're free then, and still interested, you both can start a *new* relationship that is untainted from the toxicity of this last set up.

 

Please note that I could be biased: I'm very suspicious of MMs, very empathetic to BS and OW- I want to state this upfront so I don't mislead you with what follows!

 

I see huge red flags in the reasons he's given you for not leaving.

 

1. He doesn't want to hurt her. (well, if that's the case, why isn't he ending the relationship with you? Not hurting her is acceptable as a reason to hesitate telling her. But it's not acceptable once an ultimatum has been given by the OW- he now has to decide. If indeed he doesn't want to hurt her, then stay with her. If he wants to pursue his own happiness (because he has sacrificed it for others too long yadda yadda yadda) then break it with her and start up with you.

 

2. He's "a bit nervous" that she will "go after him."

 

What a weasley way to paint her as psychotic without actually appearing to. They are not married. They don't have children together. What could she do to him by "coming after him"? Is she physically violent? If so, he needs to pack in secret and find a couple of big burly guys to escort him out of the house right after he tells her. Ask him if she's ever been charged with abuse? Is there any concrete evidence that she is abusive?

 

3. He's a bit nervous that she could come to his workplace

 

What could she do to him if she came there? if he is all that concerned he could just give them a heads up: my crazy partner of 15 years might come her and start throwing stuff around. Please don't let her in; ignore what she says; defuse.

 

People end relationships and start new relationships all the time. People in his workplace know this. He is not legally tied to her. What harm could she do to him by coming to his workplace?

 

His reasons are so ridiculous that I doubt there's any truth to them. I would say sit back and watch his actions. If he leaves her, whenever he leaves her, and if he contacts you then, then weigh your options. JMO. Good luck with everything.

 

Hi and thanks so much for your advice, just what I needed to hear.

 

Yeah he is thinking about telling his work not to give out his address and also not to let her on the premises if she tries.

He said if he gets followed then he will have to just ride around for a bit before coming back to mine.

 

She got into a fight with his ex over some argument and he says he just wants to protect me.

 

He has decided to leave when she heads out for work and leave her a note which I know is a cowards way out but I can't really force him to change that. He's had enough thinking time.

 

I will be doing exactly as you have said, sit back and wait, only a few days now and I will give him 48 hours from the said time before I decide to go NC, I think he knows that this would happen anyway so the balls in his court.

 

If he says that she didn't go to work so he couldn't grab his things and he doesn't do it the following day then I will block him and tell him come find me when you have decided what you want.

 

Hopefully it won't come to that, I think sometimes my insecurities take over which is why I am preparing for the worst and not being naive about anything.

[anika99]

No he hasn't told her, he was thinking about it and telling her beforehand face to face but he seems to just want to leave her a letter explaining.

 

He said that for the 8 years we have known each other he knew he always wanted to be with me.

 

She is quite a reserved person but can be very feisty so I think he is scared of what may happen if he told her face to face.

 

Haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say the above is a very cruel heartless and cowardly way to leave someone who has shared 15 yrs of your life. He has been cheating on her and now he's planning to leave her in the most hurtful way imaginable. That say a lot about what kind of man he is.

 

Also if he doesn't want her coming to his work or hounding him then it totally doesn't make sense for him to just sneak away while she is out. She will definitely want a face to face conversation and to hear his explanations. If he isn't man enough to do that beforehand she will come looking for him. He's just a coward who doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions nor face up to the hurt he is going to cause. One day you will be on the receiving end off that kind of avoidance

Edited April 27, 2016 by anika99

[WasOtherWoman]

The thing that I would be evaluating here, were I you, is this... is this man really a suitable partner for me? Do I want someone who cannot have the hard conversations? Is this how he conducts himself in business? At home?

 

I would spend the rest of my days with this person wondering if he really wants to be with me or is just too afraid to tell me he doesn't.

[Jersey born raised]

"she got into a fight with an ex of his"?

 

What is his relationship history and what was the rght about?

[whichwayisup]

Realistically, do you truly believe he's just going to up and leave aka pack his stuff and sneak out/move out and then what? He's going to move in with you? What about the house? Their finances, the kids? Sure they may not have children together but each of them are step parents and they are a family, regardless if the kids aren't living at home. What about the rest of the family, in laws, and life in general?

 

To just up and leave, then start a new life with you seems over the top and unhealthy. How does one just adjust and move on so quickly?

 

I'd tell him that you're willing to wait for a certain amount of time to allow him to make plans and sort out their break up and once he's moved out and ON his own by himself, then you'll 'date' him in a proper way. You don't want him moving in with you, chances are he's going to go back home to his partner. Common law wife actually.

[whichwayisup]

He has decided to leave when she heads out for work and leave her a note which I know is a cowards way out but I can't really force him to change that. He's had enough thinking time.

 

Just keep in mind how he is treating his current partner of 15 years. That could be YOU someday!! Think about it, do you think he's going to treat you better and with more respect than someone he's built a life with for so many years?

 

Careful what you wish for.

[sandylee1]

So his attitude towards her has only changed in the last couple of weeks? Since he's been with you. If they had problems prior to this why haven't they been discussed ?

 

I sense there's something he isn't telling you. It's like he's preparing you for him not leaving her...by saying stuff like "the only reason he won't leave is if..blah blah blah " and that she may cause trouble at work for him. BTW what kind of company divulge their employee's address to callers?

 

He's also telling you about the fight she got in with the ex..so that when he doesn't leave he'll say it was for your protection ... as she threatened to harm you.

 

If he really didn want her to go crazy then he'd move to a place on his own and let things settle.

 

Please come back and update us. ...but I don't think it will go smoothly for the two of them.

 

As others have said..He's ready to sneak out after 15 years with her ...what has she done to deserve that ?

[loveisanaction]

OP, i don't judge you but come on girl, are you that desperate that you're willing to allow this man walk away from his partner of 15 years just so that he can be with you? Love is not selfish hon but this right here is 100% selfish.

 

Look at how he's leaving her, like a thief in the night. This shows that he knows that what he's doing is wrong.

 

If you were truly soulmates (i don't believe that one person was created specially for one person) wouldn't you have met him before he met his current partner? Isn't that what fate is all about? I've never heard of fate bringing a person someone else's partner.

 

If this is what folks are calling love now; i think i'll pass.